LadyLigeia
New member
Hi, everyone! I haven't posted here in a while. I've been encountering a problem and it's actually been getting to me lately.
Background: I have just begun my mid-twenties. I am a relationship anarchist. I have what been dating someone whom everyone would consider to be my "primary" relationship (although I don't believe in hierarchal standings in love) for over nine years. We're happily polyamorous and we've both dated other people. We don't have that problem where one of us gets squeamish at the idea of the other spending a lot of time with another person and engaging in emotional or sexual intimacy with them. We usually wound up meeting each other's darlings (if I'm not already friends with them, that is, because I'm totally cool with that as well) and since we love each other, we don't believe in policing each other's bodies or hearts. I know that our connection is everlasting, honest, and high quality.
However, we don't have a lot of things in common from a recreational standpoint. Obviously, I want to stay with him but I also want to date someone with whom I share my interests with beyond them just willing to give them a try and respecting that I like them. I'd like to share my interests (especially in terms of music and other strange things) with someone whom enjoys them as well. I usually feel very alone in enjoying the things that I do. I'm into Gothic culture, the punk scene (especially locally), going to festivals, and feeding my head if you catch my drift.
I love spending time with him but I often get bored because, well, you can imagine how incessantly hanging out with someone whom isn't into what you're into can get... stale and boring. I love hanging out with him and we have other major common interests (such as feminism, literature, and cats), but... I just wish there someone with whom I was romantically and sexually involved whose interests corresponded to mine. I'm not talking about Manic Pixies or anything. He definitely respects my interests and will tolerate me playing music (although he knows that I would have to break up with him if he were to ever tell me that he didn't like Bauhaus) and such, but I want more than that.
The thing is, most of the polyamorous people I encounter only want sex. That, or they are into that whole couple's privilege thing where dating me comes with a set of stipulations that were clearly formed out of jealousy. My boyfriend and I are DEFINITELY NOT into that don't-ask-don't-tell thing.
Or worse, they associate any kind of emotional intimacy with commitment or the desire to "settle down" in some way. Yeah, I like sex, but that's just the one ingredient of the cake's icing! I want someone with whom I can bond on an emotional AND sexual level, allowed to express the whole of my attraction without being plagued by these fears. A lot of the things I encounter are also "poly n00b" things and I want someone whom truly values our relationship while not getting skittish about it.
(This isn't about me behaving in an unflattering way, nor is it about my failure to interpret people's nonverbal cues. I'm very socially adept so when I fail to notice these things, it makes me question my adequacy and social compass despite everyone telling me that I'm not tripping or whatever, that my assessments were correct but their behavior veered from my last impression.)
Any advice? Reflections? I'd also like to know a list of "red flags" (NOT the same as deal-breakers) that will alert me of someone's misunderstanding of polyamory as well as their intentions. I guess even my social aptitude needs refinement in this particular area of love and life. I'll elaborate more but I gotta go. Thanks! :-D
Background: I have just begun my mid-twenties. I am a relationship anarchist. I have what been dating someone whom everyone would consider to be my "primary" relationship (although I don't believe in hierarchal standings in love) for over nine years. We're happily polyamorous and we've both dated other people. We don't have that problem where one of us gets squeamish at the idea of the other spending a lot of time with another person and engaging in emotional or sexual intimacy with them. We usually wound up meeting each other's darlings (if I'm not already friends with them, that is, because I'm totally cool with that as well) and since we love each other, we don't believe in policing each other's bodies or hearts. I know that our connection is everlasting, honest, and high quality.
However, we don't have a lot of things in common from a recreational standpoint. Obviously, I want to stay with him but I also want to date someone with whom I share my interests with beyond them just willing to give them a try and respecting that I like them. I'd like to share my interests (especially in terms of music and other strange things) with someone whom enjoys them as well. I usually feel very alone in enjoying the things that I do. I'm into Gothic culture, the punk scene (especially locally), going to festivals, and feeding my head if you catch my drift.
I love spending time with him but I often get bored because, well, you can imagine how incessantly hanging out with someone whom isn't into what you're into can get... stale and boring. I love hanging out with him and we have other major common interests (such as feminism, literature, and cats), but... I just wish there someone with whom I was romantically and sexually involved whose interests corresponded to mine. I'm not talking about Manic Pixies or anything. He definitely respects my interests and will tolerate me playing music (although he knows that I would have to break up with him if he were to ever tell me that he didn't like Bauhaus) and such, but I want more than that.
The thing is, most of the polyamorous people I encounter only want sex. That, or they are into that whole couple's privilege thing where dating me comes with a set of stipulations that were clearly formed out of jealousy. My boyfriend and I are DEFINITELY NOT into that don't-ask-don't-tell thing.
Or worse, they associate any kind of emotional intimacy with commitment or the desire to "settle down" in some way. Yeah, I like sex, but that's just the one ingredient of the cake's icing! I want someone with whom I can bond on an emotional AND sexual level, allowed to express the whole of my attraction without being plagued by these fears. A lot of the things I encounter are also "poly n00b" things and I want someone whom truly values our relationship while not getting skittish about it.
(This isn't about me behaving in an unflattering way, nor is it about my failure to interpret people's nonverbal cues. I'm very socially adept so when I fail to notice these things, it makes me question my adequacy and social compass despite everyone telling me that I'm not tripping or whatever, that my assessments were correct but their behavior veered from my last impression.)
Any advice? Reflections? I'd also like to know a list of "red flags" (NOT the same as deal-breakers) that will alert me of someone's misunderstanding of polyamory as well as their intentions. I guess even my social aptitude needs refinement in this particular area of love and life. I'll elaborate more but I gotta go. Thanks! :-D
