Triage (pun intended)

P

Peoplelover

New member
I am in a primary relationship with a poly male. He has recently expanded it from 2 straight monogamous females to 3 straight monogamous females and him, including me as one of the straight monogamous females. We are all supposed to move to the coast and live in close quarters with each other. The other women have a 15 year and 10 year relationship with him, respectively. I've been around 1 year. It's hard to not feel like a secondary and expendable, although he denies this. How usual is a poly relationship of one man who has three straight monogamous women who adore him? It is a polyfidelitous relationship. I was told at the beginning poly means getting all the love you need, but it feels unfair with the restrictions of polyfidelity in this situation which I didn't know about until I signed on board. Opinions, advice, help?
 
If you can't have partners of your own, leave. He is a selfish, insecure little man trying to build a harem of idiots. Move on.
 
How can poly be about getting all the love you need when you are restricted to monogamy?
 
Why are you restricted to monogamy? Personally, I feel like a OPP (one penis policy) is ridiculous. Sure, if you're monogamous and have no desire for another relationship, then it's not a big deal. But he is balancing THREE relationships while you're supposed to be satisfied with one? How much time do you actually get with him?

When did he agree to polyfidelity? You've only been with him for a year. How do you know he isn't going to meet someone in a year (or two or five or ten) and decide the relationships aren't closed after all and that he is going to start dating again?
 
Triage (Pun Intended)

He said we were polyfidelitous after I joined the family. He had good reasons (disease, too complicated with more people, we'd find someone appropriate when we move, etc.) and I'm new to poly so I don't know, but it certainly feels like he gets 3 women and I'm restricted to one third of a man. He says our problem is my long work hours, we'd spend more time together if I worked less but I;m reluctant to let go of a career for something so iffy. And he doesn't change his routine easily to match my time off. I'm worried I'm not looking at this clearly but through the eyes of NRE.
 
Well, the fact that you are asking these questions and can name some concrete concerns shows that you are actually looking at this with some degree of clarity. There are things that are ringing warning bells hard enough for you that they make themselves heard above the roar of NRE - I'd certainly recommend paying attention to these things and discussing them with your partner before making such a big move that's likely to have an impact on so many areas of your life.

Personally, I'd get a pretty icky feeling from this sort of arrangement myself, particularly the lack of freedom for the women involved to explore other relationships.

Good luck!

Amanita
 
You get STDs from people who have untreated infections themselves. If you use safer sex methods such as regular testing and barrier contraception and find partners who agree and comply with your standards , not only do you reduce your chances of getting an Std, any one you do contract will be diagnosed promptly.


It's illogical to think that everyone in a poly network having seperate relationships will lead to more drama than everyone being forced into a close and possibly romantic and/or sexual relationship with people their partner has chosen. Or even had an inordinate amount of input into selecting.

But let's leave out all the bullshit excuses for his crippling insecurity aside for a minute and talk purely about limitations. This is something that would be relevant even if you were having seperate relationships.

You see, you obviously have a demanding job/career. That's your existing commitment. You probably have others too. He, assuming he works or something, has at least his job and two other long term and serious relationships on the go. Part, or even all of your problem might simply be a clash in how much you want to give and receive from each other, and what you actually can give and receive from each other without fucking up the rest of your lives.
 
Peoplelover said:
He said we were polyfidelitous after I joined the family.
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If he told you you needed to be faithful only unto him after you "joined the family" (whatever that means), you were not consenting with the information you needed to make your choice. It is not morally binding.

If you want a man (or 2 or 3) of your own, and want to keep your job, and not have to share living space with his other 2 women, you're allowed to change your mind!
 
This isn't about a OPP; I find it rather offensive, actually, that everyone ASSUMES she must want another penis. I do fine with just one; but my partner certainly doesn't require monogamy with me. I can be with whomever I choose; I just am more interested in women. Took a lot to sell me on being with him!

What is more worrying is the fact that he's clearly collecting a harem of women just for him. And saying that poly is about not getting all the love you need. Ummm, no. It's ABOUT getting all the love you WANT. You don't need two romantic partners; no one does. But why deny yourself love? If everyone is on board with it.

Edit: Hmmmm. Missed the part about being straight. Still, I don't think this is about the OPP. I'm guessing even if one of the women turned out to be bi, he wouldn't let her date another woman. This kind of thing is usually about control.
 
ce;267421]This isn't about a OPP; I find it rather offensive, actually, that everyone ASSUMES she must want another penis. I do fine with just one; but my partner certainly doesn't require monogamy with me. I can be with whomever I choose; I just am more interested in women. Took a lot to sell me on being with him!

What is more worrying is the fact that he's clearly collecting a harem of women just for him. And saying that poly is about not getting all the love you need. Ummm, no. It's ABOUT getting all the love you WANT. You don't need two romantic partners; no one does. But why deny yourself love? If everyone is on board with it.

Edit: Hmmmm. Missed the part about being straight. Still, I don't think this is about the OPP. I'm guessing even if one of the women turned out to be bi, he wouldn't let her date another woman. This kind of thing is usually about control.[/QUOTE]

Isn't a OPP almost always about control?
 
Inyourendo said:
ce;267421]This isn't about a OPP; I find it rather offensive, actually, that everyone ASSUMES she must want another penis. I do fine with just one; but my partner certainly doesn't require monogamy with me. I can be with whomever I choose; I just am more interested in women. Took a lot to sell me on being with him!

What is more worrying is the fact that he's clearly collecting a harem of women just for him. And saying that poly is about not getting all the love you need. Ummm, no. It's ABOUT getting all the love you WANT. You don't need two romantic partners; no one does. But why deny yourself love? If everyone is on board with it.

Edit: Hmmmm. Missed the part about being straight. Still, I don't think this is about the OPP. I'm guessing even if one of the women turned out to be bi, he wouldn't let her date another woman. This kind of thing is usually about control.
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Isn't a OPP almost always about control?[/QUOTE]
Control and misogyny.
 
They are okay with their women dating other women simply because of their belief that females are inherently inferior to men. A lesbian relationship is inferior to a heterosexual relationship and so not a threat. Plus it's kind of hot. So of course hooking up with women is fine. Well, until they realise that a lesbian relationship can absolutely pose every threat a heterosexual relationship can and start to freak out.

You see, their hatred of women is so deeply ingrained that they don't even acknowledge how they disrespect, invalidate and disregard them anymore. It isn't a conscious thing. It's just "women's stuff" so it's probably some momentary shiny object that will lose it's twinkle in five seconds flat.

So yes, it's control and misogyny. Sexism too.
 
Please speak for yourself. It gets really ridiculous around here when the OPP gets brought up. Everybody seems to know precisely what is going on in a man's heart and mind when a man has an OPP. Despite the fact that they don't know the man or the relationship and usually it is often summed up in a couple sentences. I will grant you that an OPP is about control (not necessarily the woman) and has an ick factor to it and yes hot female on female action is always yummy. But what I get really tired of is the accusation that it automatically means the man believes a lesbian relationship is inferior and non-threatening. That is complete and utter bullshit. It might be the case for some men but certainly not all.
 
graviton said:
Please speak for yourself. It gets really ridiculous around here when the OPP gets brought up. Everybody seems to know precisely what is going on in a man's heart and mind when a man has an OPP. Despite the fact that they don't know the man or the relationship and usually it is often summed up in a couple sentences. I will grant you that an OPP is about control (not necessarily the woman) and has an ick factor to it and yes hot female on female action is always yummy. But what I get really tired of is the accusation that it automatically means the man believes a lesbian relationship is inferior and non-threatening. That is complete and utter bullshit. It might be the case for some men but certainly not all.
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My bad for bringing up a OPP. The only reason I label this situation as such is because she specifically says the man in question has relationships with three STRAIGHT women. Therefore, his feelings on them dating a woman isn't really relevant since none of them have the desire to do so.
 
I think I'd advise all three women to run for the hills.
 
So why else would you be okay with your wife having a girlfriend but not a boyfriend? Why wouldn't all the things you fear about her having a boyfriend be relevant for a girlfriend? If a man makes you insecure, why wouldn't a woman?

If you want to believe that a OPP isn't about misogyny and sexism, you go ahead and stay in Neverneverland. It is absolutely about men thinking that lesbian relationships bear no real threat to heterosexuality.
 
london said:
So why else would you be okay with your wife having a girlfriend but not a boyfriend? Why wouldn't all the things you fear about her having a boyfriend be relevant for a girlfriend? If a man makes you insecure, why wouldn't a woman?

If you want to believe that a OPP isn't about misogyny and sexism, you go ahead and stay in Neverneverland. It is absolutely about men thinking that lesbian relationships bear no real threat to heterosexuality.
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I believe it has less to do with believing a lesbian relationship is inferior and more to do with how men are socialized in our society. Men are raised to be very superficial and standoffish with other men and never become too personally close physically or emotionally. We are also raised in a hyper masculine society where even the slightest hint of intimacy between two men is instantly conflated with "being gay". A label that most men fear regardless of their true sexual orientation due to the difficulties and stigma associated with it that have only recently become more acceptable. Also we as a society are raised to believe that our lovers are also our property regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. We hear it all the time on these forums where a person describes poly as sharing their partner. So you already have that hurdle to get over the whole ownership mentality. Combine that with the stand offish nature of man and the rampant homophobia and desire to project ones masculinity it is easy to understand why men are more likely to have a harder time with another man being involved with their partner instead of another woman. The final piece of the puzzle lies in the fact that the be all and end all sexual fantasy of most men is a threesome with two women. The likelihood of that happening is a lot better if your partner is with other women rather than other men. So there you have some selfishness and also the potential to fulfill a lifelong dream. There of course also is the one pussy policy but you rarely read about it compared to the one penis policy. There seems to be an inherent ability that makes it easier for women to accept their man with another woman then men being able to accept their woman being with another man. A lot of that I believe has to do with how women are raised in this country and around the world. I think women are more naturally prone to being the givers in the relationship and are also socialized to be more submissive to the sexual desires of their men. So I really believe its a much more complicated thing then simply believing lesbians aren't real relationships. I have read a lot about this on many forums and have personally done a lot of introspection on it to try and figure out why it is that I personally would prefer my wife to be with another woman than another man. I have absolutely no belief that lesbian relationships are inferior. For me personally there is just an ICK factor that is hard to get over. And I believe that is true for a lot of men. I have been planning on creating a post and a survey regarding the OPP due to my constant irritation of the accusations that often gets thrown around on the topic.
 
Unless you are planning to fuck the guy your wife is dating, none of what you said about the male on male intimacy is relevant.

If you believe your lover is your property, you'd have a problem with them dating anyone. Not just another male.

But I agree that men approve of their female partner dating other women because they believe it will benefit them. Or should benefit them. When they realise that it doesn't necessarily benefit them any more than a male metamour would due to annoying things like their metamour's and/or partner's preferences and boundaries, they are not so happy.

Not all men of course, but those who favour the OPP.
 
graviton said:
Also we as a society are raised to believe that our lovers are also our property regardless of whether you are a man or a woman... So you already have that hurdle to get over the whole ownership mentality. Combine that with the stand offish nature of man and the rampant homophobia and desire to project ones masculinity it is easy to understand why men are more likely to have a harder time with another man being involved with their partner instead of another woman... There of course also is the one pussy policy but you rarely read about it compared to the one penis policy. There seems to be an inherent ability that makes it easier for women to accept their man with another woman then men being able to accept their woman being with another man. A lot of that I believe has to do with how women are raised in this country and around the world. I think women are more naturally prone to being the givers in the relationship and are also socialized to be more submissive to the sexual desires of their men... For me personally there is just an ICK factor that is hard to get over. And I believe that is true for a lot of men.
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This is way off topic to the OP, but, as a woman, I am having a helluva time wrapping my head around my bf having a new gf! ICK factor to the max.

However, I am fine with my gf having a bf or 2.

Maybe it's something like, my bf already has a gf, me, why does he need another? Whereas my gf can have bfs, different gender, different experience than she she has with me. However, also, I think if she found another gf I wouldn't feel particularly weirded out, since I think there would be a sisterhood, we're all in this together, kind of thing.

To be totally honest, before my bf found another gf with lots of longevity potential, I was mad at OPP males. Now, I seem to understand them better, even if I am coming from an entirely different cultural/political perspective, and dealing with none of this male homophobia shit.

It's weird.
 
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