Raven's Cleverly Titled Blog

Hmmm, does it ever feel like I've grown up; good question.

Shee-it, it's all relative ain't it? I'm theoretically more "grown up" than I was one minute ago. One more minute of thought and experience, things we all accumulate over time. Definitely some lessons learned; there's mistakes I made in yesteryears that I wouldn't make again today (I don't think). But other than that, I *feel* like I'm the same person I always was. Same kid; same adult.

Anyway, happy 31st. May your career plans proceed superbly. And don't die! Drink tonic water at most of those pubs. ;)
 
Thanks, Kevin. Also, I noticed in some other thread that you were raised Mormon? So was I. How old were you when you became inactive? I was in my early 20's, but didn't really emotionally break away until I was about 25. I stopped believing in God. But I still feel that the Church can be a very good place for many people. The main disappointment I have in the LDS church, maybe the only one, is that Prop 8 stuff. Oh, and the historical racism. Yuck.
 
GUYS guess what: I'm having a great morning and I have to toot my own horn. I can't go bragging to my friends, I already do it too much. I tell people pretty regularly that I'm happy and it makes me feel like a jerk. But you're (mostly) a bunch of strangers, so here comes the bragging!

At work this week I've been spending some time thinking about a long-term academic project I've been whittling away at for years. It's been stagnant since I finished school a year ago, although I have wanted to draft a pamphlet about it for some time. The reason it came up this week is because last week in a work meeting we discussed the possibility of doing lunch and learn presentations. I thought "gee, my project would be a good subject for a lunch and learn. It's interesting and relevant, and could also be useful to the lawyers and advocates in my office". So it came back to the forefront of my mind.

I've been distracting myself by trying to refresh my memory, reading some stuff online. I was exploring my google drive and found my 3rd year project paper and started reading it. I handed it in thinking it was a pile of crap and seriously nervous that I was going to fail. Usually I'm confident when I hand something in but this thing was a lot of nonsense, I thought. It's an "academic" paper that meanders between topics without segues, includes anecdotes, and a lot of criticism of the establishments of academia and law. I got an A on it though and was just shocked.

Anyway, I'm reading it right now and it is So Good! The ideas are completely undeveloped, but they're so interesting! And the writing is really good. I'm a good writer! I didn't really know that before. There are several disjointed parts that could each easily make chapters worth of material. There are ideas that, with more research and development, could mean real change to my practice. It's a solid work and I'm feeling really proud of my past self right now, and so excited to engage with this thing into the future.

To relate the project to poly, I'll describe one theme from my paper. It's about interconnectivity. The way that we're taught to see the world, and maybe the way our brains need us to see the world, is in boxes. Everything's got labels and compartments. The worst instance of this organization process we do is seeing things in black and white. Especially when my being absolutely right means you being absolutely wrong. For example, there might be people who believe in monogamy, and because they view the world in a moralistic black and white, any practice outside monogamy is wrong.

I think that's a terrible way to live, but it's normal and logical given the way we're taught to think, that is, in boxes. Even we here, who are less rigid about social structures, do it all the time. We need to label ourselves and our relationships constantly, to make them real, valuable, tangible, worthy, legitimate.

I think that there is no black and white, nor should we use boxes any more. Instead, we should view the relationships in the world as giving meaning to life. Everything is connected and we should stop separating things out. For example, I stopped trying to figure out what James and Elemental are to me in terms of labels. When people ask, I describe myself as having relationships with them. If they ask what that means, I'll say that my relationship with James is romantic and sexy, meaningful and fun, and non-committed. I don't need a label to define me and my time with James. My relationship with Elemental is loving and open, honest and meaningful, and gives me balance. I don't need a label for it to provide me with good feelings.

Using labels (and other structures like western law) puts us in certain places in relation to other things. It makes us feel comforted because we can know how society as a whole and other people will relate to us. For example, if I say "I'm a woman" I know that you'll know what I mean by that. It's safe to use labels.

But we don't need them, we can feel safe in the grey area where life really happens. We can live in the interconnectivity instead of boxes. I might say "I'm a living being" instead of "woman". I might say I have a relationship with James instead of "he's my boyfriend". I might identify as many things in one instead of "white" or "Native". This is a holistic worldview and I should say that it's not an original idea. Lots of worldviews are holistic. The western worldview is not.

I think my poly ideas are sourced in the idea that no connection is superior to another. Every connection is unique, and just is without needing a name.

What do you think?
 
AlbertaRaven said:
I don't need a label for it to provide me with good feelings. ... Every connection is unique, and just is without needing a name.
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This is important and true. Reading it was a good reminder of something I need to keep in mind as I figure out the places that various people have in my life - especially in the sense of letting those places change as our lives change.
 
Interesting discussion.

I think we are "over-boxed," but I'd still hesitate to swing the pendulum to the opposite extreme. After all, each word in the English language is a box of sorts. It is a category. So we can't necessarily abandon our boxes, but we can recognize that they are fuzzy boxes, not absolute boxes. The exact boundaries of what this or that word does or doesn't mean are always uncertain and debatable -- especially when it comes to poly jargon.

I'm excited about your paper and hope you are able to develop it into something super excellent.

Re (from earlier):
"I noticed in some other thread that you were raised Mormon? So was I. How old were you when you became inactive?"
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Oh, roughly 33. From there, it was about a four-year journey to the moment when I finally convinced the powers-that-be to remove my name from the roles of the church. That moment was late in the year of 2002.

Belief in God didn't die quite so easily. I slid reluctantly down the agnosticism slide, and wasn't completely ready to call myself an atheist until oh, 2007 or 2008.

I agree with you that the church is still a good thing for many of its members. My primary complaint would probably be that the church keeps on insisting that it's a good thing for *everyone.* My secondary complaint: Honesty (as it turns out) is not one of the church's priorities. My tertiary complaint: The church enables a lot of rotten behavior. I have other complaints, and in fact didn't leave due to any of those three main complaints -- not directly anyway. I left because I just finally realized that I wasn't doing myself any favors by sticking with the church.

Re: the church's historical racism ... it's over enough that they finally issued an official denial stating that they've never been racist. Not yet over enough for them to issue an official confession and apology stating that they have been racist and that they're sorry for that. A statement like that would be quite a thing. It's possible but unlikely I'll see it before I pass away.

Re: the church's stance on homosexuality ... oh that's not gonna change for a long, long time. Hundreds of years? Maybe.

But whatev's. I still keep my Scriptures (Quad) handy, and quote from them now and then. After all these years, I still glean some good things from the church. Hafta say, though, it was mighty cretinous of them to buy a freakin' mall. :confused: :eek: :mad:
 
I've been more sensitive or irritable this past week. I can't figure why that happens sometimes, although it most often coincides with lady times. This week there isn't any rational reason I can figure so there's nothing to be done but to try and control the way I talk to James. He's in the line of fire, so to speak.

So I had a moment yesterday when I bossed him, telling him to sit down and eat because his fussing in the kitchen was bothering me. I apologized shortly after and explained that it wasn't him, but I was feeling stressed because of something I need to discuss with Leda. It wasn't his fault and he accepted my apology. I hate losing control of my own behavior like that. It doesn't happen often thank goodness.

We went on a long Sunday drive yesterday. We were out for hours. I'd packed a picnic but it was drizzly all afternoon so eventually we just found a lonely road and chilled in the back of the van. It was really sweet, like all of our day-long dates. We get to spend whole days together now that he's got Sundays off, so these moments will come every other week now. When we spend a whole weekend together like this we get so mushy with one another.

I just remembered that on Friday he came to pick me up from a pub gathering with some old work pals. We were talking about what we'd like to do that evening and I made some suggestion that he liked (probably some joke about just doin' it all night). He goes "Oh, I love you--I mean--I love hanging out with you!" I turned to him with big ol' eyes and was like "what??" and he says "mmm oh I misspoke...". Haha I let it go because the poor fella was flustered. I'll probably bring it up later tonight though, because sometimes he looks at me like he wants to tell me he loves me and I don't want him to think there's some rule against it just because we're not committed.

As for myself, I don't relish telling him that I'm not in love with him, but I could say that I love him a lot and have deepening romantic feelings for him. We'll see if it comes up I guess. I might just be overreacting because of my upcoming visit with Elemental. I was thinking that James has needed more lovey attention lately but now I think I'm reading too much into his behavior. He's the same as ever, asking for lots of touches and constantly doing little things for me. What a sweetie.

Elemental texted this morning to suggest that if James wants a man-to-man chat before our visit, that would be cool. What a stand up fellow, eh? Both of these guys have been slightly squicky (very slightly) about the other but are both so supportive of me doing what makes me happy. I'm a lucky lucky gal.
 
Tons of Stuff Happened

I visited Elemental. We hadn't seen each other for a year and a half. To see him in person, to touch him again after so long...it was so good. My heart is all full of love for him. I love him as hard as I ever did and am loving the zero expectations, anarchy thing that we're doing. It's very sweet, and easy, and makes me feel so good.

An interesting thing that happened while I was out there (besides getting laid like I haven't been in 1.5 years :D) was that while on a walk with Elemental, I saw a woman slightly resembling Cinder. My stomach tanked and without consciously thinking, I started making escape plans. I came to my senses in a couple seconds but boy was my heart beating fast. I have a paranoia of seeing her that was stronger when I was in her town. I sure would hate to see her. Not that I hate her, she's too pitiable a character. But I hate the memories.

As I'm writing this I figure I'd better just let go of any remaining anger and fear I've got of her. She was only in my life briefly and now she's gone. I think allowing the emotional abuse to continue to affect me is to continue to allow her power over me. Do not want.

I debriefed with James last night about my visit with Elemental. Confirmed: James is completely awesome. He seems genuinely cool about my relationship with Elemental. These two guys are being very considerate of one another. James had made an off-hand comment about how he'd be an asshole to feel upset about my visit with Elemental, and I said very strongly that it's okay to feel weird, even if it is irrational. James has known about Elemental from the second date, and has known that we'd be visiting each other eventually. But that doesn't mean he's disallowed from having emotional reactions! He's fine, though.

I also told him I love him. He knew I would after I got back from seeing Elemental, because he's intuitive like that. I told him I'd realized that I'd refrained from saying it because of social expectations that saying 'I love you' somehow advances the relationship into something more serious. Fuck that, I say. I can tell whoever I like that I love them without making unreasonable promises to them. James agrees with me, and he told me he loves me too. We've both been thinking it for a while. We also agreed that what we're doing is working well for both of us, and is awesome.

James brought up that he's been keeping me at arm's length from his family for two reasons: irrational paranoia that somehow his relationship with me would affect his custody battle; and out of consideration for his parents, who would judge our relationship to have happened too quickly after James' separation. His parents know where he spends all his free time, and James is now thinking he's ready to blend his two lives in order to get rid of some stress around having two lives. So I'm looking forward to meeting his parents. He's hung out with lots of my family members--all of my brothers, my parents, my nephew, my Grammy--but that's mainly because I'm close with my family and hang with them often. I tend to just haul James along to whatever I'm doing any given night :)

What we're doing is akin to relationship anarchy, as discussed in another thread over in the General Discussions area. I think it's working very well for all of us. I have had a twinge or two about the strength of my feelings for each dude, considering the fact that I am so adverse to hierarchy. I am nervous...in advance of any problems...jeez I should stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet! But I'll finish my thought: I'm nervous that I'd be prone to giving one fellow more attention based on my different feelings for each. Silly me, I'll just promise myself now not to do that. I'll give them both respect, just like I have been doing.

I am reaalllly looking forward to seeing Elemental again. It's looking likely that these guys will meet! What will that look like, I wonder?

Final note: need to improve my sex life with James. We've dealt with quantity, now to deal with quality! Apparently I am still capable of giant lady-boners and want to have that with James too.
 
Re:
"I can tell whoever I like that I love them without making unreasonable promises to them."
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Amen. Keep on truckin'!
 
Brief update:

I had a girl-style Raven-style meltdown on Friday. I lost control of my emotions (UGH I hate that) and got so anxious and wound up that I had to go to bed. Poor James, I apologized to him a zillion times and told him it wasn't his fault, but that I was paralyzed by my lady-times feelings. It Mega Sucks to be a woman sometimes! I cried for no reason. Luckily, I wasn't so deep in that I couldn't also laugh at myself. I asked James for a break and he went for a walk. When he came back I was feeling lots better. Still spent the whole evening in bed though, like a complete goob.

On Saturday I was perfectly fine again, especially after going for a run. James had a gig in the evening so I spent the day just getting little things done and getting ready for the show. Elemental called while James was over which made me feel guilty but James was cool with me taking the call and Elemental was cool about respecting that James was there. Cool cool cool.

I met James' parents yesterday. It went fine, they're extremely "normal" conservative oil-types. I've got a very normal superficial front (I look white, I look young, I present sane and quiet, I've got two degrees) so parents tend to like me. No exception with these ones although I didn't feel a whole-hearted acceptance. They're right to be hesitant because James is still fragile from all the abuse.

After steak and potatoes James and I played Scrabble with his mom then stopped by a BBQ to say hi to my parents and a couple of my brothers. It was a very family day. Family and shopping, that is. James took me thrift shopping and to the grocery store. His idea, because he's a generous giving person. He bends over backwards to be sweet to me. What a gent.

The last couple steps of dissolving Elemental's marriage are finally happening for him. I'm pretty pleased, myself, because I think it'll help him move on. I hope he's just straight up happy and not all conflicted...then again, conflicted seems to be a normal state of being for this dude.
 
Glad to hear your weekend turned out okay in spite of the shaky start.
 
James has been very lovely this week. The night after meeting his folks he got tipsy and in the mood to talk about feelings stuff. He went on a romantic rampage, telling me what it means to him to be with me. My relationship with James ramped up a notch when I visited Elemental, although he's been careful not to cross our commitment boundary. We reiterated that part of the reason this works so well for us is that we can't take it for granted because we're not committed to some social relationship ideal. This week has been really romantic because of that conversation, and I think also because he feels freer to express his love for me now.

I think I'll be camping three weekends in a row in July! The first trip is Leda's and my first group trip. We usually go twice a year and get about 8-12 people per trip. The second trip I'll be doing is with James. Just he and I, bangin' in the woods. Then the following weekend James' family is going camping and I am invited. I will likely end up going on that because James wants me to, there will be lots of booze, and because James and I will probably be missing a weekend together when Elemental visits.

Sexy sex update: I had decided a couple of weeks ago that I needed to address the quality of my sexy times with James. Well, I don't know if he's been reading this or what but basically as soon as I wrote that, the sexy times became more interesting/fulfilling. It's been mostly vanilla for us (excepting the swinger's club and the voyeuristic kinky streak he's got that comes out as dirty talk), but now we're branching out a little bit. Plus I'm trying to be more responsive and 'present'. That means saying "no" sometimes because if I'm too tired it takes me about 25 minutes to warm up and until then I can't do more than lie there. If I'm too tired I can't be present and active.

Work continues to be great, I'm still getting along with Leda (although she's really hard to read, like, most of the time), family stuff is good, I've been running regularly for months now...everything's good. I've even been drinking less which makes me feel good about myself.

Sometimes when I'm stressed or worried I ask myself "what's the worst thing in my life right now?" The question gives me perspective on how, usually, my problems are relatively insignificant and short-lived. Well this week my worst problem is probably that I'm not getting quite enough alone time. How not terrible of a problem is that?
 
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