Trying to figure things out...

[Calla]

Hi. I'm new. I've been happily married for ten years. We were young when we got together and were together for a few years before getting married.

Once we got last the first year of dating, I started having feelings for other men. I would have ended things then except that my guy as so wonderful. I was incredibly confused because I knew that I loved him, and I knew that he would make an amazing husband someday. But I was also feeling (somewhat lesser) loving feelings towards other men. I fantasizes a lot, but was unwilling to leave my guy. We're very compatible, especially sexually.

For awhile those feelings went away. We got married. We had kids, and then once they all got last that preschool age, the feelings came back. So for the past couple of years, I find myself wanting to be intimate with more than just my husband.

A few months ago I admitted to him (I had admitted it to him before marriage too, but was less sure of things then; we both thought it was because I had never been with anyone) that I was having those feelings again. He admitted that a couple of years ago he'd had a crush on someone and had talked with her but nothing more. He admits that he fantasizes about other women sometimes, but that he's not comfortable with me being with another man. Mostly he's afraid that I'll fall in love with someone and want to be with that person over him.

I feel no jealousy when he told me about this other woman. I only feel bad for him that it caused him so much guilt. The only time that I have jealous feelings is when I think about him loving someone more than me.

I can tell that he is having a hard time dealing with my feelings. He gets into these moods of anxiety and sadness that last for a few hours to a couple days. He's trying so hard to be open to this all. He's talked about the possibility of us trying swinging, and we're both reading Opening Up.

But I'm feeling like it's just not in his personality to be this way. And I have said to him many times that our relationship is the most important to me. That I will drop all of this (nothing really has happened except that we've both opened up to flirting with others) in a second to keep us together. But he's convinced that I'll become resentful, so he's trying to change himself. He thinks that the reason he's having a hard time is just because of society's expectations. He has hope because of the other women he's been interested in.

I am so in love with him. He's my partner in life and my best friend. But I can't stop feeling like I would also love to have some close intimate friendships with other men. I was reading this thread today: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22633. And definitely felt like I could relate. *except that I do want one serious, committed relationship - the one I have with my husband*. I also want friendships that are romantic and/or sexual with a few other men. Not boyfriends or a progressing relationship; just intimate friends I guess.

So I don't even know if that makes me poly or not, but I don't think I'd be into swinging or one night stands.

Sorry I wrote a novel! I'm just trying to figure things out.

The good thing about all of this is that our sex life has actually been better than ever lately.



ETA: Sorry for all the typos! I typing too fast.

 

[london]

Well, your husband has said that he isn't comfortable with polyamory but he has thought about swinging. He has expressed where his boundaries lie in terms of ethical non monogamy and it's your job to accept that.

What you're looking for is achievable in a swinging capacity because many swingers have close friendships with the people they swing with, but are able to keep the whole "one love" thing going at the same time. I'd say they are able to do this because they believe in monoamory and don't want to develop romantic feelings outside their relationship. However, you've already dismissed swinging and Nsa sexual encounters despite wanting an arrangement that limits emotional entanglement.

There is some discrepancy in you saying you don't want a "boyfriend" but you are open to romance and you don't want a "progressing relationship". So what you're asking is for someone to meet you, develop romantic feelings for you (but not too much) and to be happy with your relationship to be static and just enough to meet the additional romantic and sexual needs you have. What room have you left for meeting their needs? What if they cannot contain their feelings and naturally feel more strongly about you as time goes on and they start to desire more emotional entanglement? Will they be dumped for having quite ordinary feelings for someone they are sexually and romantically involved with?

I think firstly, you need to decide whether this poly/ethical non monogamy is more important to you than your relationship. It's all very well saying "I'll stop as soon as you say so", but in reality, someone who needs to have ethical non monogamy in their life, particularly when they've experienced it, would be resentful. That's if they could actually bring themselves to end the other relationships.

Then, if you decide ethical nonomogamy is going to be a part of your life, you need to be realistic about what you want. If it's truly important to you to have "one love", you need to find a way that will ensure there isn't miscommunication about that and form relationships that are not likely to breach those boundaries. A swinging Nsa environment is what I believe to be the best way of keeping within those boundaries. On top.of sticking to those environments, screen potentials for "polyness". Your ideal person would share your desire for monoamory so would see you as romantically off limits.

 

[friskyone4u]

London has it exactly right. Even if you are not interested in stringing long term this is where you should start considering where your husband is on this. You can alter your status as you go on if you want to but if he cannot get used to and accept the reality of you actually having sex with another man in an environment that he has some control over, it is highly unlikely that he is going to be comfortable when the purpose of developing " loving" relationships is added to the mix.
If you are reading the book "Opening Up", you are aware of some of the issues you may face. A lot of difficulties arise when someone who like you says
"I'll stop if you can't handle it" and the changes that commitment to the reluctant spouse. Then you will be on a downward slope.

Proceed cautiously and keep communicating and realize as the female it will be easy for you to move so fast he decides it is not for him.

 

[Calla]

Thank you for the honest replies.

Maybe swinging could work for us then...

Also, I think I wasn't very good at clarifying where each of us stand.
Me: I want my relationship with my husband to be my top priority. I want him to be my main love. I want to spend a majority of my time with him. I want to be with him forever. And I'd like the same commitment from him. However, I could also see myself loving someone else too, just not in the same way, I guess. I tend to get strong feelings for and a desire be intimate with many of the men in my life. I think I'm just messed up! :-(

Husband: He's having fun flirting a bit and is happy to not feel guilty anymore about having feelings for other women. He feels like a hypocrite because he says that he could see himself enjoying being with other people but he doesn't like the idea of me being alone with another man. He said he could even see himself falling in love with someone else. What he's terrified of is that one of us will fall so in love with someone else that we'll not care about the other anymore or care much less. And that thought is what makes him freak out once in a while.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Calla,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

"Opening Up" is a great book and will give you a lot of ideas about how you'll want to proceed that will work best for you (the two of you, you and your husband). As far as falling in love with someone else so much that you want to leave each other, I don't think that's likely to happen, but keep it in perspective that whenever you first start getting involved with someone new, there is NRE (New Relationship Energy) to deal with -- the honeymoon phase if you will. It is rather drug- or alcohol-like and you do have to be extra careful to not neglect your primary relationship.

I guess my vote is to try a little swinging, take it slow, and communicate with each other along the way. See how you're both feeling, if you're both handling your foray into non-monogamy okay, and if there's anything special you need to do for each other to meet each other's needs.

Hopefully Polyamory.com will serve as a supply of good ideas you can tap into as you go along. I tend to follow the intro threads so please ping me here whenever I can help.

Good luck to both of you!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[LordGreystroke69]

Heartfelt questions

Your story is not unusual. It's hard to determine where your and your husbands boundaries lie without some trial periods. Your boundaries may also not be where you think they are. It's like using training wheels before you ride a bike. The best thing to try is find someone who you want to share into your sphere, and your bed, and see if your husband can handle it.
If you are bi, make it a woman so he's less threatened. If you're straight, make it is a guy you can arrange for your husband to get to know beforehand. If your husband is bi or bi curious, make it a bi or bi curious guy. The more you have in common with the poly you are considering, the better the early experience will be.

 

[IndieSolo]

The best thing to try is find someone who you want to share into your sphere, and your bed, and see if your husband can handle it.
If you are bi, make it a woman so he's less threatened. If you're straight, make it is a guy you can arrange for your husband to get to know beforehand. If your husband is bi or bi curious, make it a bi or bi curious guy.

What the hell? People are not toys to be shared.