CheeseBiscuit
New member
Hi everyone,
I'll try to keep this short, but also include enough to pre-empt any questions; we'll see if I can do that.
When my wife and I met about 7 years ago, one of the things we talked about as we were dating was open relationships and polyamory and that we'd been both the cheaters and cheatees in prior relationships, and how much more clear it would be to be in a relationship like that. We said that when the time came, we'd talk about it and make it happen.
Fast forward to a few months ago - we've been married 3 years now, and our relationship is great and talk returns to opening it up. Honestly, I knew it would be her that would be the driving force for this, and that's ok - there are some things I need to be led into, and some things I can take the lead on.
She asked if it would be OK to submit a CL ad for a BDSM play partner (in the beginning of our relationship she was solidly bottom, but her desire to top had been growing throughout our relationship). I said, sure, let's do this.
It didn't take long till she had a few coffee dates lined up, and met one guy that was just great - instant chemistry. I was very excited for her, and they soon began having a weekly date. Eventually things began to drift away from a strict BDSM play style, and eventually they had sex. I wasn't really prepared for this, and even though I knew it was bound to happen, it still left me panicked. We talked about it, and confirmed our feelings for each other, and I felt a lot better. So much better, that I suggested they take a long Saturday vacation.
Terrible mistake.
Enter the first panic attack of my life. The morning she was to leave, I freaked out and *almost* said, "Fuck no. Don't go." But I didn't. They went and had a good time, but it was terrible gut wrenching pain for me.
After that we talked and talked, and I read all about my broken refrigerator and we found a great local poly-friendly therapist and things were really looking up. The next few weeks passed without much incident with much love being spread around. I heard more and more about her partner and he sounds like a great guy, and one I'd really like to meet (but she's a little hesitant on that since I've been somewhat of a mess). Our sex life (which hadn't really been suffering in any way) picked up to a fever pitch - I was riding (no pun intended) on her new found excitement - it was great!
Then, this past date night earlier this week, she was running a little late, so I helped her get ready by picking out a nice dress, and got her toys out and kissed her and she left. I was truly riding on a "I can do this!" high. Then, as the hours passed, I started feeling more and more anxious and annoyed and frustrated and all those happy things. I found stuff to do around the house to keep me occupied (we have a kid, so I'm needed at home during her dates), games to play, things to read, but I still couldn't shake it.
When she got home, I vented about how terrible I felt and that suddenly, after all this, I hated the fact she was having sex with someone else. Hated. I've been withdrawn and our normally intimate relationship has turned into roomates sharing a bed (note: this is all my doing). We've talked about it, and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this funk, but I can't do it. I don't feel like snuggling (which, with me, is totally alien), and let's not even think about sex - no fucking way (no pun, again).
I need some help. I go see our therapist tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping for some great insight, but if anyone has some advice or hints, I'd love to hear them. I'm so afraid I'm going to fuck this all up and push her away, and I will if I keep this bullshit up.
Oh, if it matters, I'm male, late 40s, the wife is female, mid 30s and her partner is male, mid 40s.
Thanks.
I'll try to keep this short, but also include enough to pre-empt any questions; we'll see if I can do that.
When my wife and I met about 7 years ago, one of the things we talked about as we were dating was open relationships and polyamory and that we'd been both the cheaters and cheatees in prior relationships, and how much more clear it would be to be in a relationship like that. We said that when the time came, we'd talk about it and make it happen.
Fast forward to a few months ago - we've been married 3 years now, and our relationship is great and talk returns to opening it up. Honestly, I knew it would be her that would be the driving force for this, and that's ok - there are some things I need to be led into, and some things I can take the lead on.
She asked if it would be OK to submit a CL ad for a BDSM play partner (in the beginning of our relationship she was solidly bottom, but her desire to top had been growing throughout our relationship). I said, sure, let's do this.
It didn't take long till she had a few coffee dates lined up, and met one guy that was just great - instant chemistry. I was very excited for her, and they soon began having a weekly date. Eventually things began to drift away from a strict BDSM play style, and eventually they had sex. I wasn't really prepared for this, and even though I knew it was bound to happen, it still left me panicked. We talked about it, and confirmed our feelings for each other, and I felt a lot better. So much better, that I suggested they take a long Saturday vacation.
Terrible mistake.
Enter the first panic attack of my life. The morning she was to leave, I freaked out and *almost* said, "Fuck no. Don't go." But I didn't. They went and had a good time, but it was terrible gut wrenching pain for me.
After that we talked and talked, and I read all about my broken refrigerator and we found a great local poly-friendly therapist and things were really looking up. The next few weeks passed without much incident with much love being spread around. I heard more and more about her partner and he sounds like a great guy, and one I'd really like to meet (but she's a little hesitant on that since I've been somewhat of a mess). Our sex life (which hadn't really been suffering in any way) picked up to a fever pitch - I was riding (no pun intended) on her new found excitement - it was great!
Then, this past date night earlier this week, she was running a little late, so I helped her get ready by picking out a nice dress, and got her toys out and kissed her and she left. I was truly riding on a "I can do this!" high. Then, as the hours passed, I started feeling more and more anxious and annoyed and frustrated and all those happy things. I found stuff to do around the house to keep me occupied (we have a kid, so I'm needed at home during her dates), games to play, things to read, but I still couldn't shake it.
When she got home, I vented about how terrible I felt and that suddenly, after all this, I hated the fact she was having sex with someone else. Hated. I've been withdrawn and our normally intimate relationship has turned into roomates sharing a bed (note: this is all my doing). We've talked about it, and I'm really trying to pull myself out of this funk, but I can't do it. I don't feel like snuggling (which, with me, is totally alien), and let's not even think about sex - no fucking way (no pun, again).
I need some help. I go see our therapist tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping for some great insight, but if anyone has some advice or hints, I'd love to hear them. I'm so afraid I'm going to fuck this all up and push her away, and I will if I keep this bullshit up.
Oh, if it matters, I'm male, late 40s, the wife is female, mid 30s and her partner is male, mid 40s.
Thanks.
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