Living poly in a straight world?

[Belladonna]

Hello,

I am new to the forum and somewhat new to poly; have been poly for as long as I was old enough to love someone; have been married twice; am still married to hubby #2; have never hidden the fact that I am poly (although I have never used that term) and I have been accepted as such.

Okay, here is my problem. I have never had a steady bf other than my hubby. I am always open and honest, but for some reason it ends badly. They say I'm cheating. I never have this problem with girls, but I find that most just want a threesome, and I'm not really into that.

I do think that this could be a part of my problem. I don't like to sleep around. I have only slept with four people in my entire life, two girls and both hubbys.I have to really connect before I sleep with someone. My two gfs were very serious, so I felt comfortable. But with guys it seems different. But I regress.

Right now I am in a new LDR with a guy, and I really hope it goes well. But I guess I'm scared. He is not poly. He is however, seeing two other girls. Hmm... But he asks if I talk to my husband about him (kind of a flag for me). And well, of course I do. I'm often holding hands with hubby and texting bf.

So how do you all navigate this???
Hubby and I have decided to go full poly. No rules except honesty, and if the other person has a problem, to speak up now before it becomes a problem.

Thank you for reading my entire post. I'm so glad to have found this forum.

 

[Marcus]

Right now I am in a new LDR with a guy, and I really hope it goes well. But I guess I'm scared. He is not poly. He is however, seeing two other girls.

So he's dating you and a couple of other girls. No harm in that.

It sounds like you aren't really sure where he is at and what he wants from your association. I suggest you have an explicit conversation about what his plans are and how he sees his relationship with you playing out - and you express the same to him. The fear you are having most likely stems from the fact that you're flying blind and need to have an adult conversation with him to make sure you are on the same page.

But he asks if I talk to my husband about him (kind of a flag for me). Of course I do. I'm often holding hands with hubby and texting bf.

What about this raises a red flag for you?

He may just have a different privacy requirement than you and your husband currently have. Again, I suggest you get a good understanding of what his expectations are and make sure he knows yours. It's better to discuss it than to function under incorrect assumptions. Maybe he's concerned that you are sharing intimate details about your relationship and isn't cool with it? I would definitely want to find out a fundamental issue like that.

On the other hand, since he is monogamous it wouldn't surprise me if he had quite a few questions. I would try to approach them with the understanding that he's trying to get to know your world a bit better. If you have a question about his inquiry, ask it directly.

What I would watch out for as a red flag with a mono partner (or any partner, for that matter) would be possessiveness in any way. That stuff should be addressed immediately and frankly. The last thing you want is to get involved with a cowboy (someone trying to poach you from an existing relationship).

 

[Belladonna]

So he's dating you and a couple of other girls. No harm in that.

It sounds like you aren't really sure where he is at and what he wants from your association. I suggest you have an explicit conversation about what his plans are and how he sees his relationship with you playing out, and you express the same to him. The fear you are having most likely stems from the fact that you're flying blind and need to have an adult conversation with him to make sure you are on the same page.

What about this raises a red flag for you?

He may just have a different privacy requirement than you and your husband currently have. Again, I suggest you get a good understanding of what his expectations are and make sure he knows yours. It's better to discuss it than to function under incorrect assumptions. Maybe he's concerned that you are sharing intimate details about your relationship and isn't cool with it? I would definitely want to find out a fundamental issue like that.

On the other hand, since he is monogamous, it wouldn't surprise me if he had quite a few questions. I would try to approach them with the understanding that he's trying to get to know your world a bit better. If you have a question about his inquiry, ask...

What I would watch out for as a red flag with a mono partner (or any partner, for that matter) would be possessiveness in any way. That stuff should be addressed immediately and frankly. The last thing you want is to get involved with a cowboy (someone trying to poach you from an existing relationship).

Thank you! I love hearing different sides to things. I seem to always think the worst, or be on the defensive, because of past things, and I forget that it's not the same with everyone.

I am very cool with him seeing two other girls. I want him to because I'm not looking to be in a mono relationship with anyone.

He does want to tell about it, him being with them, and I'm not to sure how I feel about hearing it, because we have only been together for a month. I'm worried he is doing it to see my reaction.

I also agree that we need to have a frank talk. I guess I'm more worried about the answer because I really like him, but if he is mono then I can't go further. So I guess that answers itself.

I hadn't thought about him worried that I'm sharing details with my hubby because I don't. Hubby's not into knowing the nitty gritty. Hubby actually dubbed him boyfriend, but doesn't want to get to know him.

Thank you again for the advice!! It's good to hear other's opinions.

 

[Marcus]

... we have only been together for a month.

Oh, I see. You don't know what's going on with him because you've only just met him. Honestly, it can take a long time to get to know what makes people tick, years even.

I also agree that we need to have a frank talk. I guess I'm more worried about the answer because I really like him, but if he is mono, then I can't go further. So I guess that answers itself.

This isn't necessarily true.

The question isn't whether he's mono or poly, the question is whether or not he has expectations that you need to be mono. There are a few folks on these boards who are in mono+poly relationship arrangements and apparently they are doing just fine. The trick is that the mono person embraces the fact that they are dating someone who is not mono, and can be happy with that truth, and the same goes for the poly person embracing their partner's mono outlook.

Personally, I'm skeptical. It would take a particular kind of person to be strictly monogamous, but poly-friendly enough to happily be in a relationship with a poly person. I'm sure it's possible... the odds just aren't good.

 

[Belladonna]

I need more advice. I really like you. Everyone here is so honest, and I need that right now, because there is no one I can talk to about this.

Ok so, hubby has a new love interest. I like her. She seems really nice. She is, however, much much younger than me, and I have to find a way to not feel intimidated by that. You can't choose who you like. I know that.

Ok, next problem. Yesterday hubby told me that he hasn't felt the same way about anyone like he did with me until her. That the way he feels about me is the same feeling he has for her. He wants to "take care of her."

When he and I met, I was in a very bad-ending marriage. He saved me, in a lot of sense. But I have gone back to school, finished a degree and now have a pretty powerful job (state reporting, etc.). So I don't need anyone to "take care of me." So when he told me that, it was more info than I wanted to hear.

But regardless of that, I do want him to be with her. And I have told him, "Hey, I am okay if you want to go see her. Don't feel like I'm holding you back." I really like my alone time and have no problem with him not entertaining me every second.

So today he tells me I'm being pushy and point blank controlling their relationship. I don't want to be controlling. I know I have a problem with this. How do I let him do his thing without being controlling, or being hands off? I told him after I was really sorry, that was not what I wanted, and that I will butt out. Then he got upset and said that's not what he wanted.

I'm so confused. He has a very hard time talking about his emotions. He always has. I am the opposite and can go either way.

Thank you for reading this.

I want to add something, because the more I talk about it more questions I have.

Okay, she comes in to our place of business. (We own a business together, besides my own job.)

I really liked talking to her. Now he doesn't want me to. He wants to see how things go between them before he brings me in. But that goes back to the controlling part. I don't want to control this. I just thought it would be different.

 

[kdt26417]

No offense, but I feel like he's the one being controlling here. You're not allowed to talk to her until -- well, until he says so? Uhhh ...

Re:

"So today he tells me I'm being pushy and point blank controlling their relationship. I don't want to be controlling. I know I have a problem with this. How do I let him do his thing without being controlling, being hands off? I told him after I was really sorry, that was not what I wanted, and that I will butt out. Then he got upset and said that's not what he wanted. So I'm so confused. He has a very hard time talking about his emotions. He always has."

Yeah, well, now might be a good time for him to step up to the plate and develop some communication skills. Plenty of books have been written about communication and he could start there. (NVC is a particularly good topic to start with -- stuff by Marshall Rosenberg.) At the same time he needs to get some actual practice -- learning by doing. If communicating in person is a particular problem for him, maybe he could try communicating with you via letter or email.

Re:

He wants to take care of her.

How come that's a problem? I'm hearing you say that it used to be "your special thing with him" ... but isn't there anything special between you and him now? The two of you have a (unique) history together for one thing. What else do the two of you have together that's special?

You say you're more independent now, and yet he still wants to be with you, does he not? Does he respect/admire your independence? That's something special if he does.

Re:

She is, however, much much younger than me, and I have to find a way to not feel intimidated by that.

And if it wasn't youth, it might be "wealth" or "more experience" or "a better body shape" or "a better hair color" or "a better cook" or "she's so organized" or "she's better in bed" or "she's so sharp and witty" or "she dresses better" or "her face is very fine" or ... the list goes on and on. You can always find *something* "superior" about your metamour, and you always will, if you have any deep-seated fears that he doesn't love you enough to keep you. Think hard: Do you have any (subconscious?) fears that he might (in the present or future) want to break up with you? Do you have any fears that he might be out there looking for something (someone) "better" to replace you?

Polyamory isn't supposed to be a contest. Quite the contrary, it's each partner's differentness and uniqueness that makes each one of them so valuable. No one is replaceable. Everyone brings their own special gifts to the table. So she's much much younger. That's one of her "gifts." What are some of your gifts? Those are the gifts you should dwell on -- not on hers. On yours.

And by the way, youth is overrated. It's something that automatically happens to us all, for awhile, and it never lasts forever. Every single human on this planet is marching inexorably towards their own death. Do you feel old now? Well, your hubby's new love interest will feel just the same in due time. As gifts go, youth is actually one of the least impressive. One's virtues and accomplishments are much more meaningful -- and valuable. At least that's my opinion. It's nice to be "eye candy," but it's even nicer to be a nice person. Hopefully that makes sense ...

I know there's not much advice in this post, but hopefully there's some perspective in it that would help you feel somewhat better or at least better able to see things with more clarity. My perspective is limited but different, and you might be able to combine it with your own knowledge and tackle your situation in a new way.

 

[Marcus]

But regardless of that, I do want him to be with her. And I have told him, "Hey, I am ok if you want to go see her. Don't feel like I'm holding you back." I really like my alone time and have no problem with him not entertaining me every second.
So today he tells me I'm being pushy and point-blank controlling their relationship. I don't want to be controlling. I know I have a problem with this. How do I let him do his thing without being controlling or being hands off? I told him I was really sorry. That was not what I wanted and that I wolud butt out. Then he got upset and said that's not what he wanted. So I'm so confused. He has a very hard time talking about his emotions. He always has.

For me, if someone tells me I'm being pushy about their other relationship, I would need to get some clarification. What action did I take which you perceived as "pushy"? If they expect me to correct my actions, I need to know what those actions were, right? I'm not going to do their work for them and try to read their mind. They need to be a grown-up and use their big-boy words. If they can't express themselves, then that's their problem, not mine. So I'd take whatever action I think would fix the problem, which is butting out, and requesting they keep their relationships to themselves, unless they can tell me what I did to offend them.

It sounds to me like there are some trust issues between you and hubby and that you have some difficulty communicating. All of this control stuff is a sure sign that someone (I suspect it's both of you) has trust and security issues they need to work on.

For me, this kind of breakdown in trust and communication is an indicator that I need to adjust the nature of the arrangement, at least for a temporary period. Not trusting my partner, or having a partner who can't communicate their feelings, is not something I would consider a healthy association.

I really liked talking to her. He doesn't want me to. He wants to see how things go between them before he brings me in.

So you need to ignore her when you see her? He got mad when you said you were going to butt out, but he's telling you not to speak to her? This sounds like more drama than I have the stomach for. I would certainly need to pull away from some of the encumbrance with this person (business, home, etc.).

 

[Belladonna]

Thank you all for the advice.

We talked about all of it (it wasn't pretty at times), but we both decided we don't like being married. Hence why we both are poly. But we are best friends. So we have decided to just be friends and separate everything else.

I love it!!! He loves it!! He just does his thing, I do mine, and we hang out when we both want to. No one questions anything. We are going to try it this way. And well, nothing is for certain, but I really hope this works. We found out through talking we are both super controlling, yet don't want to be controlled. So if you take being married out we can actually get along.

Now the boyfriend is a different story. The minute he found out we were splitting, he asked me to move in with him so he can take care of me. Umm, no. I like taking care of myself. I make good money and don't need anyone to take care of me, emotionally or financially. So I'm looking forward to just being single, no commitments.

 

[Marcus]

We talked about all of it... we both decided we don't like being married. Hence why we both are poly. But we are best friends. So we have decided to just be friends and separate everything else.

I love it!!! He loves it!! He just does his thing, I do mine, and we hang out when we both want to. No one questions anything. We are going to try it this way... I really hope this works. We found out through talking we are both super controlling, yet don't want to be controlled. So if you take being married out, we can actually get along.

Relating to each other according to your interest and personality without artificial outside pressure... magic. That sounds like the perfect recipe to me. I hope it continues to work for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Okay, so you and hubby are still married and are living together? but now more like friends and roommates instead of spouses?

Is your boyfriend willing to accept the new setup?

Glad you have found the right way to do things that works for you. Carry on.

 

[Belladonna]

Okay, so you and hubby are still married and are living togethe, but are now more like friends and roommates, instead of spouses?

Is your boyfriend willing to accept the new setup?

Glad you have found a way to do things that works for you. Carry on.

Currently we are living together. He cannot afford to move out and I don't mind. We have a child together, and I have a 15-year old that he has raised, and he would be crushed to only see them on a limited basis. He is a fantastic dad and co-parenting has never been a problem.

Now if we cannot be roommates, then we will go from there. But we are giving it till after Xmas, when he will be more stable financially, and we can 100% separate our finances.

So yes, friends, roommates, co-parents.

Boyfriend loves it. He said, "Oh, now it's just you and me." He was me to only be with him now. We have only been together for a little over a month. I'm not running from one marriage to another. I don't care to ever be married again. I tried it twice and obviously I don't do marriage well. Plus I'm leaving marriage for being single, because I don't want to be told how to live my life.

Is that selfish? Yes, I know this. I'm okay with that. I have been married for my entire adulthood (18-36). I would like to know what being on my own is all about. I want to take care of my kids, work, and go to SAC State next year.

Sorry, this is way more info than you asked. It's just how I feel.

 

[Marcus]

Boyfriend loves it. He said, "Oh now it's just you and me." He wants me to only be with him now. We have only been together for a little over a month.
I'm not running from one marriage to another. I don't care to ever be married again. I tried it twice and obviously I don't do marriage well. Plus I'm leaving marriage for being single because I don't want to be told how to live my life. Is that selfish? Yes, [and] I'm ok with that. I have been married for my entire adulthood (18-36) I would like to know what being on my own is all about. I want to take care of my kids, work and go to SAC State next year.

I'm glad that you are on a path which allows you to flourish freely. I really am!

My concern is the same as kdt26417. Since your bf seems to want "just you and me," and this is the EXACT thing you have just extricated yourself from, have you informed bf of the fact that you plan to take this approach with him, as well? Do you intend to take this approach with him? I want you to enjoy your success. I hope that you don't launch yourself straight into another situation which competes with your ability to live a genuine life.

 

[Belladonna]

Since your bf seems to want "just you and me" and this is the EXACT thing you have just extricated yourself from, have you informed bf of the fact that you plan to take this approach with him as well? Do you intend to take this approach with him? I want you to enjoy your success, and I hope that you don't launch yourself straight into another situation which competes with your ability to live a genuine life.

From the very beginning, I never wanted monogamy from bf. I told him I just want friendship (yesterday). Granted he lives in Alaska and I'm in Cali. I never thought it would get serious (as in serious I will leave my husband with you).

I know, in the end, I will be the bad guy with bf. He was just told by another girl he was dating that she didn't want a long-term thing. And now me.
I am at the point I don't want to be his gf anymore, because I know it will be a let-down, and I don't want to lead him on.

 

[kdt26417]

That's a bummer. Still, I am glad you are gaining more independence.

Just curious, will you and your husband get legally divorced? (Don't have to answer if that's prying)

 

[Belladonna]

That's a bummer. Still, I am glad you are gaining more independence.

Just curious, will you and your husband get legally divorced? (Don't have to answer if that's prying)

Not right now. I have good insurance and I'm not looking to remarry. My name is my birth name already so no one really knows except us.

 

[kdt26417]

Ah -- I think I see where you're coming from. No particular need to fuss with it.

 

[Belladonna]

Ah -- I think I see where you're coming from. No particular need to fuss with it.

Yep. Exactly. Plus I've been through one divorce already. It was costly and stressful. I would rather wait on the legal part if it's needed later.

 

[IndieSolo]

Boyfriend loves it. He said, "Oh, now it's just you and me." He was me to only be with him now. We have only been together for a little over a month.

Ugh, only a month and that is how he is? Needy, clingy, wants to be in control. Yuck. Maybe eventually you will stop being attracted to such controlling men. That is a pattern you can leave behind in your new independent life.

I am at the point I don't want to be his gf anymore.

Yeah, I would DTMFA if I were you. It's so new, long-distance, and seems more of a headache than you need right now.

 

[Marcus]

Yeah, I would DTMFA if I were you.

Damn you, NYCindie, making me Google your hip-slang!!

 

[IndieSolo]

Damn you, NYCindie, making me Google your hip-slang!!

Yeah, I make no apologies for my hipness. Or my hippiness.