Littlebean
New member
Hellooo there! I've been lurking around on the forums for a while, but haven't got the details down or anything - I just enjoy reading other peoples' stories. I'm not even sure this is the right definition for what I'm doing with my life.
I have always been a serial monogamist - since I was in my early teens, I've been in serious relationships. I had a monogamous partner for four years - we started the relationship out very casually, and were both sleeping with multiple partners, clearly preferred the other, but enjoyed the casual and open nature of the relationship for a certain while. After being pressured into defining the relationship by our social group, and I think due to teenage possessive behaviour, we moved very quickly in our relationship and lived together within 8 months. Very quickly after that, we began playing traditional gender roles, and it became stifling. As the relationship went on, we discussed my preference for both men and women - I have never slept with a woman, but have often curiously kissed girls in bars after a few drinks etc. Eventually he confronted me about it, and I stopped this behaviour, but we always entertained the idea of a threesome.
We were both clearly unhappy by the middle of the third year into the relationship - living together so young, the seriousness of the whole thing got to be too much. He felt suffocated, and pulling away from me, I felt unloved, there was an emotional indiscretion that was quite embarrassing for me, and we split up, but continued living together, for now. He will be moved out in several months.
We have continued sleeping together (amazing sex!) during the time that we were living together. I suggested polyamory or some other polyfidelity to sort out his need to experiment sexually with other women, and mine to experiment with both sexes. He said, at the time, that he couldn't deal with the jealousy. I have been away from home, 4000 miles to be exact, for several weeks now, and we have discussed this idea further over the phone. He is much more keen now, and excited about the prospect, he even suggested it to me. We have another month and a half until we'll see each other again - this is the longest we've gone in the entire four years that we've been together (or now, indefinitely not-together)
We have decided for now not to discuss our 'reunion' with our friends - but I can see from what I've read that it's a big 'nono' to not be open about the definition of your relationship. I think that despite our love, deep attraction and respect for one another, neither of us are ready to define it to ourselves, or to others, as 'back together' (implies monogamy) or 'friends with benefits' (eugh) or whatever other term that could be used. For now, we're quite happy not using labels, but I keep reading that it's not okay to not label it, and it's not okay to not have ground rules...
Both of us clearly have a need to sleep with others - we are very young to be in a monogamous relationship, but don't want to lose the love/sexual wonderfulness/ passion that we've spent the last long while building... polyamory or something of the sort seems like a good solution.
I would really appreciate some advice to people starting out with this type of relationship... I think we are both more keen on finding others to sleep with, because we have difficulty focusing emotional contact on more than one person at once (hence the emotional indiscretion)... I'm not even sure where we're going with this, but I'm quite excited about the prospect, I love him a lot, but I need to experiment, and I need him to experiment, so that we can be sure about one another. Who knows, perhaps it will stay this way?
Anyway, thank you! I am VERY new to this, so please, please avoid sending me horrid messages... I see that a lot on forums, but this seems like a very open, welcoming community.
xxLB
I have always been a serial monogamist - since I was in my early teens, I've been in serious relationships. I had a monogamous partner for four years - we started the relationship out very casually, and were both sleeping with multiple partners, clearly preferred the other, but enjoyed the casual and open nature of the relationship for a certain while. After being pressured into defining the relationship by our social group, and I think due to teenage possessive behaviour, we moved very quickly in our relationship and lived together within 8 months. Very quickly after that, we began playing traditional gender roles, and it became stifling. As the relationship went on, we discussed my preference for both men and women - I have never slept with a woman, but have often curiously kissed girls in bars after a few drinks etc. Eventually he confronted me about it, and I stopped this behaviour, but we always entertained the idea of a threesome.
We were both clearly unhappy by the middle of the third year into the relationship - living together so young, the seriousness of the whole thing got to be too much. He felt suffocated, and pulling away from me, I felt unloved, there was an emotional indiscretion that was quite embarrassing for me, and we split up, but continued living together, for now. He will be moved out in several months.
We have continued sleeping together (amazing sex!) during the time that we were living together. I suggested polyamory or some other polyfidelity to sort out his need to experiment sexually with other women, and mine to experiment with both sexes. He said, at the time, that he couldn't deal with the jealousy. I have been away from home, 4000 miles to be exact, for several weeks now, and we have discussed this idea further over the phone. He is much more keen now, and excited about the prospect, he even suggested it to me. We have another month and a half until we'll see each other again - this is the longest we've gone in the entire four years that we've been together (or now, indefinitely not-together)
We have decided for now not to discuss our 'reunion' with our friends - but I can see from what I've read that it's a big 'nono' to not be open about the definition of your relationship. I think that despite our love, deep attraction and respect for one another, neither of us are ready to define it to ourselves, or to others, as 'back together' (implies monogamy) or 'friends with benefits' (eugh) or whatever other term that could be used. For now, we're quite happy not using labels, but I keep reading that it's not okay to not label it, and it's not okay to not have ground rules...
Both of us clearly have a need to sleep with others - we are very young to be in a monogamous relationship, but don't want to lose the love/sexual wonderfulness/ passion that we've spent the last long while building... polyamory or something of the sort seems like a good solution.
I would really appreciate some advice to people starting out with this type of relationship... I think we are both more keen on finding others to sleep with, because we have difficulty focusing emotional contact on more than one person at once (hence the emotional indiscretion)... I'm not even sure where we're going with this, but I'm quite excited about the prospect, I love him a lot, but I need to experiment, and I need him to experiment, so that we can be sure about one another. Who knows, perhaps it will stay this way?
Anyway, thank you! I am VERY new to this, so please, please avoid sending me horrid messages... I see that a lot on forums, but this seems like a very open, welcoming community.
xxLB
I'd also add that it sounds like you are heading towards a path that you both want, so enjoy it!