divorce and poly

G

gorgeouskitten

New member
So if any of you fair readers recall my earlier posts, my marriage wasn't going well. AS of late I've been on a "break" from both my husband and boyfriend. My husband and I are headed for divorce and one of his big issues right now is my still loving my boyfriend and not him.

My question is this....since we are/were poly I don';t think it should be an issue if I do end up seeing my boyfriend again. I can understand why J would feel hurt, but I am not leaving him "for" Nudge. I had two relationships...only one worked. If we were mono, I'd think it was wrong to carry on with someone else while going through a divorce.....but to me the poly puts a different spin on it.

Anyones take on it? Am I just justify what I want in the situation, or does it hold some water?
 
My opinion?

His issues belong to him. You do not have to do anything about it.

Your feelings belong to you. You tend to your side of the fence.

If you want to date during your divorce process that is your business. I do not see how offering yourself up to a dating partner while you are divorcing is the same as offering yourself up as a post-divroce person, but the impact of divorce process is different for everyone. Some people are very broken up about it and need time to heal from the process first and not dating anyone for a bit. Some are ready to jump into dating because they are not esp broken up about it.

Me? I would not date again til my divorced is filed and hearing had and case closed. That's my preference. I would want time to settle my kids and new home and new life before adding more on board.

Who's business is this to determine? The person. Not their soon-to-be-ex or ex spouse. Not anyone but them. In this case "the person" is YOU. What matters is YOUR preferences, not anyone else's.

If the reality is that your STBX acts out and creates a longer/more difficult process if you are dating at this divorcing time because they cannot do their emotional management without acting out?

You could choose to not tell him who you date.
You could choose to not actively date til the papers are filed or til the hearing happens.

You pick your "benchmark place" for you for when you are "separate enough" where his behaviors do not affect your divorce process or your life all that much.

Then you are more free to do as you please.

Galagirl
 
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Gorgeous Kitten,

If you are divorcing husband, it really makes no difference. You need to do what you want to and not worry about it. Divorced means divorced.

i am sure your husband is hurt already and probably regrets he ever heard the word polyamory, but he agreed to it and what happened just happened.

As long as you are SURE you want this divorce, you can see boyfriend. But if there was any chance of R with husband, this will not help.

The choice is yours.
 
Thanks both of you! :) If I wasn't already very much in love with my BF, I wouldn't date for quite some time. But we';ve been together a year and a half, and my kids know and love him. I suppose it is some up to X if he'[s around kids or not?

BF is going through this too, and taking it much harder than I (his wife was the initiator though the D word hasn't been said yet) so us being together at all right now is up for debate.
 
Could take a dating break so each of you finishes the divorces processes and then come back to dating later.


Galagirl
 
If you can do it I would take Gala Girls advice and skip the dating until the dust settles and emotions are not so raw.
Of course you have to be OK with being by yourself for a little while with no man around
If you are used to two men that might be hard for you
 
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gorgeouskitten said:
I suppose it is some up to X if he'[s around kids or not?
Click to expand...

Of course both parents have some say in who the kids can be around. But "I don't like him" isn't compelling. "He reminds me of stuff that makes me sad" is even less so. If your (soon to be ex-) husband has a good reason for not wanting the kids to be around your BF, then address that. But don't let him decide who you will be with based on his issues unrelated to actual child welfare.
 
friskyone4u said:
If you can do it I would take Gala Girls advice and skip the dating until the dust settles and emotions are not so raw.
Of course you have to be OK with being by yourself for a little while with no man around
If you are used to two men that might be hard for you
Click to expand...

Good advice, but there's a big difference between dating and continuing a relationship that already exists.
 
Pretty much. She's the one who has to decide what to do here. Keep on with the break, ask if he wants to date during the divorce, etc.

Galagirl
 
I can't imagine seeking new possibilities while going through the trauma of a divorce.
However-I wouldn't give up existing relationships while going through a trauma such as a divorce either.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I can't imagine seeking new possibilities while going through the trauma of a divorce.
However-I wouldn't give up existing relationships while going through a trauma such as a divorce either.
Click to expand...

Thanks LR, this is pretty much what im thinking (and thanks to the other responses too). I am certainly not going to look for anyone else, honestly right now I don't want anything else. BF and I decided to keep things easy, but still be romantically involved. it is very hard on both of us to go through our divorces and also give up what we have which is pretty darn nice. We've had a lot of issues coming from our marriages...but I think we are both handling that better and moving forward/.
 
SlowPoly said:
Of course both parents have some say in who the kids can be around. But "I don't like him" isn't compelling. "He reminds me of stuff that makes me sad" is even less so. If your (soon to be ex-) husband has a good reason for not wanting the kids to be around your BF, then address that. But don't let him decide who you will be with based on his issues unrelated to actual child welfare.
Click to expand...

Thanks SP. This was my view too and I am slowly and carefully broaching ti with him. Hubs has always liked BF, they were good friends and BF is wonderful with our kids. Hubs has always trusted him to be part of their lives for the last year. So I think if he were to put up boundries now for his own security, we need to discuss it. Tricky with the kids...the relationship with bf...gonna take it one step at a time.
 
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