New, scared, and failed

A

Aleesha

New member
About 3 months ago I told my husband I have been with since I was 14 that I liked women. He was okay with the journey and about a month ago I met a woman who I fell in love with. They couldn't handle each other and with a heavy heart I ended my relationship with her.

My husband is the only person I've had sex with, ever.

I'm so scared I will lose him if I don't just become straight, but I don't know how to. I long to be "normal". But in my heart I want him and a woman, both open and loving in a relationship. Even a relationship all together.

If he never accepts it, do I stay and just pretend I am straight? Do I leave and give up my entire life because I can't be normal?

Does this ever actually work?

I just want someone, anyone to acknowledge me as a person. I'm so tired of feeling alone and wrong.
 
I guess

PolyinPractice said:
I could not compromise myself like that. It depends on you, though. Is remaining in this relationship worth that?
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I suppose? I feel crazy for feeling the way I do. I've developed other issues because of feeling so out of control (a resurrection of a past eating disorder). I'm not sure who to be anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should just smile, live in my suburbs, do the bake sales, and church drives, and feel empty inside because that's what I'm suppose to be.
 
God

And then other times I feel like God made me love her and took her away to punish me for how I feel.

It's been suggested that I get counseling or work with my pastor to pray this away. But I honestly don't think it's going to go away.
 
Aleesha said:
I suppose? I feel crazy for feeling the way I do. I've developed other issues because of feeling so out of control (a resurrection of a past eating disorder). I'm not sure who to be anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should just smile, live in my suburbs, do the bake sales, and church drives, and feel empty inside because that's what I'm suppose to be.
Click to expand...

You can. But it's your choice. Just know that it doesn't matter if you're crazy or not, as long as you're happy.
 
Aleesha said:
They couldn't handle each other and with a heavy heart I ended my relationship with her.
Click to expand...

You make it sound like the woman had a problem accepting your husband's presence, as well as your husband balking at this stage of the journey. Were you explicit with her that you remain committed to your husband, and that his comfort would determine the speed and extent of your relationship with her?

Aleesha said:
My husband is the only person I've had sex with, ever.
Click to expand...
Why is this significant to you? Because you feel you've missed out on something? Or because you tie extra meaning (e.g., your sense of desirability, self-worth; a magical "first love" connection) to the continued relationship with him?

Aleesha said:
If he never accepts it, do I stay and just pretend I am straight? Do I leave and give up my entire life because I can't be normal?
Click to expand...

Leaving him if he isn't willing or able to accommodate your needs would be a big change, but it would not be giving up your entire life.

Staying and trying to mute your desire sounds more like giving up part of your life, IMHO.

Aleesha said:
Does this ever actually work?
Click to expand...
Polyamory? Yes.
Living a lie? I guess we only hear about it when it the lies break. And they tend to.

Aleesha said:
I just want someone, anyone to acknowledge me as a person. I'm so tired of feeling alone and wrong.
Click to expand...
Wow. I hear the hurt in this. You aren't wrong for having feelings and desires. And I hope you feel less alone as you find people to share your feelings with, including people here who've been there, or somewhere near there.

Part of the traditional role of a spouse is to affirm our selves. Your husband may not be willing or able to accept parts of you that seem to threaten the marital relationship as he sees it, or as he idealizes it.

Keep working inside yourself to identify how you feel and what you need. Communicate these to him, and ask about his feelings and needs. Working together to come up with strategies for getting your needs met will help you both determine boundaries and limits, and whether continuing your relationship is going to be compatible with the goal of meeting both of your needs.

Know that you are not wrong to have desires, and you are not less good for having changed in a way that means old contracts have to be re-negotiated.
 
Thanks

Thanks :)

It's so weird because I'm a huge supporter of the gay, lesbian, bi, transgenered, poly community....but I feel so ashamed of my own feelings.

I'm not sure happiness is in the cards for me.
 
Do I leave and give up my entire life because I can't be normal?
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Do YOU accept you being bi? Why call it "not normal" when it is perfectly normal to be whatever it is you are? Do you have a critical inner voice judging you?

Your relationship to yourself and how you talk to yourself in your head is a separate thing from your relationship with others. Intrapersonal vs interpersonal.

I just want someone, anyone to acknowledge me as a person. I'm so tired of feeling alone and wrong.
Click to expand...

Again, you call yourself "wrong" -- what's that all about?

Does your husband provide you with that acknowledgement? That he understands you are bi and loves you as you are? That is a separate thing from whatever current relationship model you practice together.


Galagirl
 
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Truth

SlowPoly said:
You make it sound like the woman had a problem accepting your husband's presence, as well as your husband balking at this stage of the journey. Were you explicit with her that you remain committed to your husband, and that his comfort would determine the speed and extent of your relationship with her?

Yes. This was the downfall. She would say he accepted him, but then say she really only wanted me. My husband would read through our text and blow up reading that she only wanted me.

Why is this significant to you? Because you feel you've missed out on something? Or because you tie extra meaning (e.g., your sense of desirability, self-worth; a magical "first love" connection) to the continued relationship with him?

I think him being my only sexual partner is both. I feel weird sometimes that I've never experienced anything else because I've always done what was expected of me. And in some ways I feel that maybe it makes us "special" like I will never have another first and hen I will be invalidated. He continually says if I have more than one sexual partner it will make me a slut which makes me feel bad.


Leaving him if he isn't willing or able to accommodate your needs would be a big change, but it would not be giving up your entire life.

Staying and trying to mute your desire sounds more like giving up part of your life, IMHO.


Polyamory? Yes.
Living a lie? I guess we only hear about it when it the lies break. And they tend to.


Wow. I hear the hurt in this. You aren't wrong for having feelings and desires. And I hope you feel less alone as you find people to share your feelings with, including people here who've been there, or somewhere near there.

Part of the traditional role of a spouse is to affirm our selves. Your husband may not be willing or able to accept parts of you that seem to threaten the marital relationship as he sees it, or as he idealizes it.

Keep working inside yourself to identify how you feel and what you need. Communicate these to him, and ask about his feelings and needs. Working together to come up with strategies for getting your needs met will help you both determine boundaries and limits, and whether continuing your relationship is going to be compatible with the goal of meeting both of your needs.

Know that you are not wrong to have desires, and you are not less good for having changed in a way that means old contracts have to be re-negotiated.
Click to expand...
Thanks
 
Aleesha said:
And then other times I feel like God made me love her and took her away to punish me for how I feel.

It's been suggested that I get counseling or work with my pastor to pray this away. But I honestly don't think it's going to go away.
Click to expand...

Working with a (queer and poly aware) counselor (religious or not) is a great idea. "Praying it away" should not be the goal, as you know from being an ally to LGBT and poly people. Don't focus on making your feelings go away -- why would you obliterate who you are? Focus on crafting a life that accepts and respects the whole package of you.
 
Aleesha said:
He continually says if I have more than one sexual partner it will make me a slut which makes me feel bad.
Click to expand...

So, "He was okay with the journey" means ... he is actually pro-slut, and you're the only one with bad feelings about the term? I'm being a little silly here, but I'm getting two different ideas of his support for your exploration.

Namecalling is *way* outside the realm of communicating with compassion. You two sound like you could use some couples counseling just to get on the same page as far as how to work together to solve the issues that have come up.

[I gave up fighting the slut label, and I claim it. Yeah. I'm a slut. If that offends a person, it's probably never going to be a problem for us, because we aren't going to have much interaction.]
 
Somewhat

GalaGirl said:
Does your husband provide you with that acknowledgement? That he understands you are bi and loves you as you are?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

He loves me, yes. Am I allowed to explore this? Not really.

I'm not really allowed to do much. He doesn't trust me. Going out with friends is a no. Going to Walmart alone is a no. He is just "jealous that other people might look at me". I don't know. He's a little too controlling and me coming out has not helped.
 
Aleesha said:
Slowpoly- I added answers in....but it all looks like your quote with just a thanks
Click to expand...

You can edit your post and add in the tags that begin and end quotes, to make it easier for other readers. But I can tell what's where, so I'm not fussed about it.
 
Agree

SlowPoly said:
So, "He was okay with the journey" means ... he is actually pro-slut, and you're the only one with bad feelings about the term? I'm being a little silly here, but I'm getting two different ideas of his support for your exploration.

Namecalling is *way* outside the realm of communicating with compassion. You two sound like you could use some couples counseling just to get on the same page as far as how to work together to solve the issues that have come up.

[I gave up fighting the slut label, and I claim it. Yeah. I'm a slut. If that offends a person, it's probably never going to be a problem for us, because we aren't going to have much interaction.]
Click to expand...

Counseling is probably a good idea. His support is weird. He's cool one day and irate and divorcing me if I don't do what he says the next. I think it's because I've hurt him by being open.
 
Aleesha said:
I'm not really allowed to do much. He doesn't trust me. Going out with friends is a no. Going to Walmart alone is a no. He is just "jealous that other people might look at me". I don't know. He's a little too controlling and me coming out has not helped.
Click to expand...

Huge, FLAMING SCARLET red flags here. Counseling. You. ASAP.
 
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Aleesha said:
He loves me, yes. Am I allowed to explore this? Not really.

I'm not really allowed to do much. He doesn't trust me. Going out with friends is a no. Going to Walmart alone is a no. He is just "jealous that other people might look at me". I don't know. He's a little too controlling and me coming out has not helped.
Click to expand...

That sounds closer to "abusive" than controlling to me. Even if not, you've definitely got a huge power imbalance in the relationship. Generally, if you're not allowed to go out to do household shopping alone, and if you're not allowed to go out with your friends, and he gets jealous people might see you... it's not a good thing.
 
You say he loves you. How is this demonstrating loving behavior toward you?

  • I'm not really allowed to do much.
  • He doesn't trust me.
  • Going out with friends is a no.
  • Going to Walmart alone is a no.
  • He is just "jealous that other people might look at me".
  • He's a little too controlling

You are being cut off from other people. That's not loving behavior to me. :(

Does he have to want to participate in a polyship? No. That is his own willing/able.

Sorry I was not more specific in what I meant. Let me try again:

  • Does he acknowledge with words your own personhood -- that you are your person with your own feelings and your own thoughts and your own ability to problem solve/make decisions/handle yourself?
  • Does he demonstrate that with actions? (no -- does not trust you, does not let you to run errands,make social engagements with friends, etc)

  • Does he affirm with words that he is your life companion, and you are not alone in life's journey? (yes/no)
  • Does he demonstrate that with actions: being available and willing to listen to your joys and concerns? Talk to you about the things that matter to you? Make time and space for you? (yes/no)

  • Does he acknowledge you are "bisexual" and it's normal and fine to be in words? (yes/no)
  • Does he demonstrate that in actions -- not talking down to you about it, or making fun of you, other LGBT people, not using your attraction to others for his own gain, etc? (yes / no)

I cannot tell if you have

  • a husband who is insecure/jealous and agreed to you dating the woman from fear that if he didn't go along with it you would dump him.
  • A husband who is hoping to gain bed partners via your bi-ness because he assumes anyone you date/share sex with is "his" too.
  • A husband who is controlling/abusive and that's the bigger problem, never mind the bi layer or the poly layers -- it's a healthy marriage vs unhealthy marriage thing first
  • A combo of the above
  • Something else.

What do you think it is? I observe you taking on "it is all my fault!" stuff, but in any situation, there are bits that you own, and bits that others own in a co-created situation. Discerning what goes in what bucket takes some figuring it out. I think counseling could help you and could be a good idea so you get some support.

Galagirl
 
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Hmmmm

GalaGirl said:
You say he loves you. How is this demonstrating loving behavior toward you?

  • I'm not really allowed to do much.
  • He doesn't trust me.
  • Going out with friends is a no.
  • Going to Walmart alone is a no.
  • He is just "jealous that other people might look at me".
  • He's a little too controlling

You are being cut off from other people. That's not loving behavior to me. :(

Does he have to want to participate in a polyship? No. That is his own willing/able.

Sorry I was not more specific in what I meant. Let me try again:

  • Does he acknowledge with words your own personhood -- that you are your person with your own feelings and your own thoughts and your own ability to problem solve/make decisions/handle yourself?
  • Does he demonstrate that with actions? (no -- does not trust you, does not let you to run errands,make social engagements with friends, etc)

  • Does he affirm with words that he is your life companion, and you are not alone in life's journey? (yes/no)
  • Does he demonstrate that with actions: being available and willing to listen to your joys and concerns? Talk to you about the things that matter to you? Make time and space for you? (yes/no)

  • Does he acknowledge you are "bisexual" and it's normal and fine to be in words? (yes/no)
  • Does he demonstrate that in actions -- not talking down to you about it, or making fun of you, other LGBT people, not using your attraction to others for his own gain, etc? (yes / no)

I cannot tell at this time if you have

  • a husband who is insecure/jealous and agreed to you dating the woman from fear that if he didn't go along with it you would dump him.
  • A husband who is hoping to gain bed partners via your bi-ness because he assumes anyone you date/share sex with is "his" too.
  • A husband who is controlling/abusive and that's the bigger problem, never mind the bi layer or the poly layers -- it's a healthy marriage vs unhealthy marriage thing first
  • A combo of the above
  • Something else.


Galagirl
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1. Acknowledge my ability to make decisions: Hell no. He has to "protect me" because I am not smart enough to make my own decisions. I have a masters degree so I am not as dumb as he acts like I am (not that degrees make a person smart or lack of a degree does the opposite).
2. Life companion: both. A lot of demands if I do not do this or that he will leave me. Some "jokes" that if I leave he will use my secrets to ruin my life or that he will murder me.
3. Yes tons of time and space for me. Sometimes too much.
4. He does acknowledge and in words say my feelings are okay. He is open minded but does "tease" me a lot about it and sometimes I think calling me names is how he actually feels.
5. His own gain: the first "issue" he had with the girl I tried to be with was that he was not going to have sex with him. Also, he does expect some things that I am not really comfortable with. Like, if I am with a girl to make up for it I have to have sex with him whenever he wants it, no questions asked.

I'm on my phone so I'm sure there are too many grammatical errors to count. I apologize.
 
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