To Go Or Not To Go

L

LovelyLady

New member
This is my question. Seems like it should be fairly simple, but I'm struggling to make a decision.....

My in-laws are in town this week. We have a favorite restaurant and there is a plan to go there for lunch tomorrow. My hubby has decided he would like his gf to meet his parents and has invited her to lunch. They have discussed and she prefers to be introduced as a friend, but that could always change. We are not out to anyone, so it would be a big deal if it did change.

So this has turned into more than just a simple lunch. My metamour has said that she doesn't care if I'm at the lunch. However, although I don't think she is malicious, she is a cowboy. She has made it perfectly clear to my hubby that she is head over heals and wants him all to herself. So my dilemma is, do I back out of the lunch so she can be more comfortable and have a chance to get to know his parents without me there or do I go as planned so she doesn't get the thought that I can be walked over to get what she wants?

I should add that hubby has made it clear to her that him choosing a mono relationship with her is not happening.
 
I think if she really wants to be seen as a "friend," it's best for you to be there. Otherwise, it'll be super weird, especially for in-laws who won't know what to make of it.

On another note, why do mono women insist on dating within poly structures? My poly partner had ONE mono "toy," he and she both agreed it was just him using her/her enjoying someone to dominate her. She knew he was married and that I was with him. He met her one time in person; and she just seemed to, in his words, "not know what to make of me." He said it was evident when he talked about me that it hurt her to see he had strong feelings and that he would only have a serious relationship with her if she ended up clicking with both of us. That I, and any of his and my mutual girlfriends, would take precedence. I doubt she'll last, but I don't see why she put herself in a position to be hurt. He was honest with her from the beginning.
 
PolyinPractice said:
I think if she really wants to be seen as a "friend," it's best for you to be there. Otherwise, it'll be super weird, especially for in-laws who won't know what to make of it.
Click to expand...

I agree - if you'd attend the lunch with any other friend, why not this one? I'd be reluctant to back out, regardless of how she's being introduced: if she's being introduced as a friend, your presence shouldn't really be out of the ordinary or make her feel uncomfortable. If she's being introduced as his GF, you probably ought to be there to ensure that the in-laws don't believe that this is all behind your back.

PolyinPractice said:
On another note, why do mono women insist on dating within poly structures? My poly partner had ONE mono "toy," he and she both agreed it was just him using her/her enjoying someone to dominate her. She knew he was married and that I was with him. He met her one time in person; and she just seemed to, in his words, "not know what to make of me." He said it was evident when he talked about me that it hurt her to see he had strong feelings and that he would only have a serious relationship with her if she ended up clicking with both of us. That I, and any of his and my mutual girlfriends, would take precedence. I doubt she'll last, but I don't see why she put herself in a position to be hurt. He was honest with her from the beginning.
Click to expand...

Because some of us never had a frame of reference as to what this all means until we were in the middle of it. You can be honest as the day is long (Chops was), but you don't really "get it" until you're in it, dealing with the emotions, the time management, etc. Once you fully realize how much work is involved, though, it's time to shit or get off the pot, and not insist the relationship become something it was never advertised to be. I had to let go of what I thought I really wanted in a relationship and figure things out from scratch. Some folks don't want to do that.

FWIW, I didn't insist on it. Chops and I had an incredibly good connection as friends and we were attracted to each other to boot - I wanted to date him, regardless of relationship structure, because I believed that we were worth the work. We're that good. :cool:
 
LL, you should definitely go. And all 3 of you should decide beforehand whether this will be a "coming out to the parents" thing or not! That's a big deal, I'd think.
 
How much do you want to go the lunch, for your own enjoyment and/or to satisfy family expectations? If it's not that big a deal, I think it's kind of you to consider her potential enjoyment of the experience and realize that she might get a better idea of who they are without you there. Of course, you may be miscalculating, and she may feel less on the spot with you obviously taking the "partner" slot. But let's assume you know everyone will be fine without you there. If you're just as happy to stay home or go out for lunch with a friend, or picnic alone in the park, then do it!

However, if you would enjoy yourself by going, and miss (or be missed) not being there, then that would be the more natural setting in which she would meet the in-laws, so it makes sense for you to be there.

As far as her being a cowboy, with hubby having made it clear that he won't be cut from the herd, well, that should be that. Either she has adjusted her ambitions, or someone is in for a disappointment. I don't see how your presence at the lunch will affect your husband's willingness to go mono for the gf. You can't control whether it affects her expectations, and you needn't concern yourself with what she may or may not think about her ability to manipulate you. Leave her cowboy tendencies out of it, trust the hubby, and be where you want to be for that not-so-simple lunch.
 
Last edited:
PolyinPractice said:
On another note, why do mono women insist on dating within poly structures? My poly partner had ONE mono "toy," he and she both agreed it was just him using her/her enjoying someone to dominate her. She knew he was married and that I was with him. He met her one time in person; and she just seemed to, in his words, "not know what to make of me." He said it was evident when he talked about me that it hurt her to see he had strong feelings and that he would only have a serious relationship with her if she ended up clicking with both of us. That I, and any of his and my mutual girlfriends, would take precedence. I doubt she'll last, but I don't see why she put herself in a position to be hurt. He was honest with her from the beginning.
Click to expand...

While I am mono myself, I was already a few years into our relationship before we "officially" opened it (he was dating his long time gf without my knowledge for a period). I was already committed to him and our family and my choice was to accept the other relationship and continue to love him and our family.

That being said, I'm not sure I would have entered into a relationship with him at the onset if it started as poly/open. He is a wonderful man, and I can totally see why his new gf is so smitten. However, if I knew I wanted a chocolate cake all to myself, I wouldn't bring it to the table during family dinner and think I had a chance in hell of nobody eating it. Their relationship is still fairly new and much like you, I don't think it will last. Even my hubby has doubts, even though he's hopeful. It is a very difficult path and one I don't think many monos can successfully manage. Not impossible, but not for the closed minded.
 
Last edited:
I think you should go and focus on your conversation with your in-laws, catching up, relating with them. It isn't about her. You should strive to be present for your husband's family without worrying about Miss Cowgirl.

That being said, I hope you will be just as affectionate in public with hubby as you always are, without feeling self-conscious that she is there. I would even make it a point to hang all over him a bit more than usual, since she is a cowgirl and needs to see that you and he are solid.

Also, has he spoken to her about what kind of touching will be appropriate in front of his parents? Because some people need to be informed of things that might be obvious to others.
 
nycindie said:
Also, has he spoken to her about what kind of touching will be appropriate in front of his parents? Because some people need to be informed of things that might be obvious to others.
Click to expand...

Wow, you made my heart sink with that question. Wasn't something I even thought about but totally relevant. Hubby has shared that she is a fan of all sorts of PDA, some of which would make me blush. However, I think she limits that when in public alone. When she picked us up from the airport recently, he tried to kiss her and she pulled away. Better to have the conversation though, instead of have to explain/apologize later.
 
I agree if she wants to be seen as a friend then its best that you be there. Its nice that he wants to introduce his girlfriend but they are your family and you should be there
 
Cowboy Confirmed

Well, I took everyone's advice and went to lunch. It was enlightening to say the least as there is really no doubt left in my mind she's a cowboy. Per her request, she was introduced as a friend from work. However, she behaved as a girlfriend and not a friend. I have no doubt that the in-laws are wondering what the hell is going on. She brought up a recent trip they had been on together, whispered in his ear and was just generally flirtatious.

At one point I let my frustration show, which I'm guessing his mom picked up on. I needed to leave a little early as I needed to get back to work. When I mentioned this, his gf actually said out loud, "go now". I wasn't ready at that point and possibly a little out of spite, I stuck around for a few more minutes. Wouldn't you know it, it started to rain. Hubby offered to go get my car, but I said no, I would just hold tight a few minutes to see if it stopped. So what does the bitch do? She tells him to go get my car anyway. At that point, I let a bit of frustration show and said "fine, I guess I'm leaving." I said my goodbyes to all, including Miss Cowboy and she wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Can't wait to get home tonight to see if the in-laws are bold enough to comment or ask questions. What do I do about a metamour cowboy?
 
Who the hell says, "Go now"? Just... rude!

What to do? I guess if it were happening to me, I'd sit down with Chops and say what I saw, how I felt as a result, and then talk about where to go from there.

But just... ick. It's like Junior High "he's my boyfriend now" stuff. I know if Chops wanted to put up with it, go for it, but leave me the hell out of it.
 
LovelyLady said:
Well, I took everyone's advice and went to lunch. It was enlightening to say the least as there is really no doubt left in my mind she's a cowboy. Per her request, she was introduced as a friend from work. However, she behaved as a girlfriend and not a friend. I have no doubt that the in-laws are wondering what the hell is going on. She brought up a recent trip they had been on together, whispered in his ear and was just generally flirtatious.

At one point I let my frustration show, which I'm guessing his mom picked up on. I needed to leave a little early as I needed to get back to work. When I mentioned this, his gf actually said out loud, "go now". I wasn't ready at that point and possibly a little out of spite, I stuck around for a few more minutes. Wouldn't you know it, it started to rain. Hubby offered to go get my car, but I said no, I would just hold tight a few minutes to see if it stopped. So what does the bitch do? She tells him to go get my car anyway. At that point, I let a bit of frustration show and said "fine, I guess I'm leaving." I said my goodbyes to all, including Miss Cowboy and she wouldn't even look me in the eye.

Can't wait to get home tonight to see if the in-laws are bold enough to comment or ask questions. What do I do about a metamour cowboy?
Click to expand...

You don't have to do anything about the cowgirl, she could wish all she wanted that you didn't exist but you do and you're not going anywhere so either she gets used to it or she leaves. Just trust your husband to be loyal to you. But hopefully he sees how disrespectful she is and chooses not to have a partner like that
 
Inyourendo said:
You don't have to do anything about the cowgirl, she could wish all she wanted that you didn't exist but you do and you're not going anywhere so either she gets used to it or she leaves. Just trust your husband to be loyal to you. But hopefully he sees how disrespectful she is and chooses not to have a partner like that
Click to expand...

I'm thinking you're right. Eventually he'll see her true colors and I don't need to get myself dirty with this one. Although I really did want to punch her in the nose today:mad: Did I mention that she thought last night would be a great time to leave a large hickey on his neck? Right before meeting his parents. He doesn't mind at all, but I think it's trashy.

I do trust my hubby. He has been nothing but honest with her, told her that he won't choose her over me. In addition, he's recently asked her to stop mentioning/hinting that she wants a baby. It's my one boundary that I can not handle and he seems to be respecting that. Not much more I could ask for in this situation.
 
LovelyLady said:
In addition, he's recently asked her to stop mentioning/hinting that she wants a baby.
Click to expand...

Wow. Cowboy with a plan for how to lasso the stud. Does he not see risk in this relationship? I think you're right that it's not anything you can do anything about, but I hope he adds up all her behaviors and words and understands that she's not dealing in good faith here.
 
YouAreHere said:
Who the hell says, "Go now"? Just... rude!
Click to expand...

Yeah, no kidding. I've taken Wifey out with friends with Wife there. Thankfully, she's sweet as they come, not bitchy in any way, shape or form. If she had ever said something like that, MY first response would be basically "Who do you think you are talking to? You need to leave, right now."
 
LovelyLady said:
I needed to leave a little early as I needed to get back to work. When I mentioned this, his gf actually said out loud, "go now".
...
I stuck around for a few more minutes. Wouldn't you know it, it started to rain.
Click to expand...
It's a long shot given the rest of her behaviour, but is it possible she meant "go now, while there's a break in the weather and you won't get wet"?
 
I am not prone to being passive or passive aggressive, I tend to be flat out aggressive if it comes to that.

But-I would advise in the future, calling bad behavior out immediately, the same way one would with a child or a dog-because if it isn't addressed as it is happening-it won't REALLY be addressed.

For example;
"Wow, that was extraordinarily rude and I don't appreciate you putting inappropriate commentary into my conversation with (input appropriate name here). In the future, I would appreciate it if you don't have something helpful or polite to say, if you refrain from saying anything to me in regards to conversations which are not your business."

Additionally; I would never ever ever advise walking away when dealing with someone who is trying to push you out of the picture in such a rude and inappropriate manner.
I would have looked her and he straight in the face and said to HER-
"I find it completely offensive that YOU are being so rude and dismissive of me."
AND THEN
I would have said TO HIM:
"I do not appreciate having our visit with extended family interrupted by someone who can't use basic civil manners. I would appreciate it in the future if you don't invite anyone to join in our family get togethers that isn't capable of treating EVERYONE present with respect."

It is HIS job to manage his relationships. But it is your job to hold firm to appropriate boundaries regarding how ANYONE IN THE WORLD treats you as a person. Regardless of who else was present or who was attached to whom-her behavior was inappropriately rude and uncivil.

In regards to how to deal with a cowboy/metamour; You have no authority over anyone but yourself.
But you DO have absolutely authority over yourself. I would make it clear to him IMMEDIATELY that her behavior was beyond unreasonable and that you want no contact with her going forward until and unless she is prepared to instigate contact for the sole purpose of apologizing to YOU AND YOUR INLAWS for her INAPPROPRIATE treatment of you.
Lots of people would say "I'm sorry" to you just to get on with their goal. Only someone who was sincerely apologetic and ashamed of their behavior would be likely to apologize and make amends to you AND the witnesses of their behavior.
 
Inyourendo said:
You don't have to do anything about the cowgirl, she could wish all she wanted that you didn't exist but you do and you're not going anywhere so either she gets used to it or she leaves. Just trust your husband to be loyal to you. But hopefully he sees how disrespectful she is and chooses not to have a partner like that
Click to expand...

I agree-in regards to his relationship with her.
BUT-not in regards to how she treats you.
It IS your duty to hold people-including complete strangers-to your standards for how YOU are treated, how YOU are spoken to etc.

Thus-in regards to how she treats YOU,
you do need to set down your foot and not allow her to speak to you that way. That has NOTHING to do with him. It's about how *people* treat you. She is a person first, his girlfriend second. As a person, she was rude and out of line and you need to address that by stating that it will not be tolerated.

That's a personal boundary issue. Not a poly issue.
 
LovelyLady said:
Did I mention that she thought last night would be a great time to leave a large hickey on his neck? Right before meeting his parents. He doesn't mind at all, but I think it's trashy.
Click to expand...
It's not just trashy, it's so... junior high. Very immature. I don't know any grown men that would let a woman give them a hickey. Seriously. He knew he was meeting up with his parents, what was he thinking? I'd be just as disappointed in him as I would be frustrated with her. Who leaves hickeys anymore?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top