Advice needed...

E

epiphany

New member
First off... i should explain that my husband and i are a BDSM couple with Him as Master as me as His submissive...i am extremely well educated and capable of being both strong minded and independent so please don't waste anyone's time judging O/our relationship.

We have been married and mostly monogamous for 13 years...five years ago mutual friend of O/ours joined U/us for a weekend as she was curious about O/our lifestyle...but aside from that W/we have been monogamous...W/we run a business together and are with E/each other almost 24/7

Recently the same "friend" has come back into O/our lives and Master has requested to spend alone time with her and potentially collar her as His slave...He respects me as His wife and would never ever do anything to hurt me...

Had this been years ago early in O/our relationship i wouldn't have struggled with this at all...there are so many different levels of intimacy and i know where O/our relationship is but after allllll these years...i find myself struggling with acceptance...i have had Him and His attention all to myself and perhaps am spoiled

i have already said yes... i know its in me to come to terms with this and accept this...i know He loves me and loves U/us and there isn't any threat to O/our relationship...(no i'm not naïve)... i know in time there will be a new normal and all of this will be fine...if i didn't know that or thought there could be a problem or thought i couldn't learn to accept this then i would have said no (there are children involved)...i know at any time i can say no and He will stop...but the entire 13 years W/we have been together He has always had fantasies about having a slave...so has she...and i'm not a slave won't be a slave...i get along with her for the most part and i trust her ... i am a people pleaser i want to make Him happy i want to make her happy and i really believe that while it hurts it will get easier...

i didn't go to a BDSM forum because the advice i need isn't BDSM...as His submissive i'm in a way proud to do this to please Him...as His wife i'm really having some issues with internalizing and telling myself its my fault and if i were better blah blah (i know that isn't true i'm still human and we all have insecurities)...i came here to Polyamory because I want to talk to other women who have been in a monogamous marriage and then moved into Polyamory...the difference i suppose is i'm not even allowed to consider relationships with others male or female but that doesn't bother me...

tell me the insecurity gets better...tell me i'll stop obsessing about what T/they are doing and just focus on my time with Him...tell me what to expect...i just want to know what other people have experienced when their spouse first went to bed with someone else...

i am sorry i rambled...i wanted to sit down and basically blurt out as honest a request for advice as i could...thinking too much on my part would have edited out a lot :D


****also! I forgot to mention...my husband is REALLy struggling with going through with this ... He is having feelings of guilt and self hatred and I don't know how to help Him with that... I keep telling Him I will be here for Him no matter what...if HE wants to do it or doesn't do it or whatever...I want Him to have the most fulfilled happy life possible...all i need is Him but i totally get why He wants a slave...how can i help Him?****

thanks so much to anyone taking the time to read all of this :)

~epiphany
 
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From what I understand you don't need help processing the BDSM side of it but the poly side of it.

First, you said "Yes" to his request -- so I am guessing that at this time you are willing, but not entirely sure about able. Is that it? Could any of these help you become more able to handle things?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

And before this new arrangements begins... what's the plan B? If you guys try all this on and come to find you are NOT actually able. What's the expectation? All participants clear and on the same page about that?

Talk this out all the way before going there -- that's my suggestion.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
thank you

GalaGirl said:
From what I understand you don't need help processing the BDSM side of it but the poly side of it.

First, you said "Yes" to his request -- so I am guessing that at this time you are willing, but not entirely sure about able. Is that it? Could any of these help you become more able to handle things?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

And before this new arrangements begins... what's the plan B? If you guys try all this on and come to find you are NOT actually able. What's the expectation? All participants clear and on the same page about that?

Talk this out all the way before going there -- that's my suggestion.

HTH!
Galagirl
Click to expand...


Thank you :)

yes i am willing...i know i am able just have to get over the initial hurdle and hurts...O/our relationship and love is strong and i am confident in that no matter what happens He and i will be fine...there has been months of talking by all three of U/u/us and everyone is on the same page...i don't think that could be handled more thoroughly (Master is such a planner...He thinks out all contingencies and discusses them)...W/w/we are all committed to the friendship and aware that any of the three can stop this at any time without judgment or criticism...He can stop it she can stop it and i can stop it...W/w/we are all aware it may not work in reality like it does talking about it


i came to this board tonight after scanning MANY boards...because i felt polyamory would be the least judgmental...i have never posted in any forums or even really looked at forums so please excuse my newness...

this evening my Master and His potential slave are at a hotel in a luxury suite...this isnt' the first play opportunity they have had...He just hasn't ever permitted anything to happen...i think in part trying to see how i handle Him being with her and i think in part He has shame about His desires...

i am so sad He feels ashamed and so sad He feels guilt...i'm ok i know i'm going to get hurt but i also know i will work through that hurt and everything is going to be fine...i know the newness and differentness (is that even a word) of her will be exciting for Him and honestly i'm excited for Him...i was VERY experimental before He and i got together...i have no interest in other people because Master is everything for me and i feel soooo blessed that is the case but i think that is pretty rare and i am ok that i'm not everything for Him...i am a submissive not a slave and while He has fantasies that involve submissives He has fantasies involving slaves...fantasies that are far more severe than i have any interest in participating in...the slave He is with is very into what He wants to do and perhaps more than He has even considered...

SO anyway, He is there with her tonight...is it weird that i honestly truly hope that something happens? i love Him so much and as His submissive and His wife i know that exploring this is a NEED...there is no way on this earth He would have come to me with this after all these years if it wasn't incredibly important...i don't know how to help Him feel like its ok how to help Him feel safe and loved enough to go outside of U/us...

anyway i posted to try to get some advice from others on what to expect...what i may feel and what some of the normal road bumps are...the articles you linked look promising...i need to be as prepared as possible for the emotions when He does move forward so that i can handle everything with as much dignity and grace as i need to so not to add to Him feeling angry with Himself for hurting me or making me cry or any of those other perfectly normal emotions...i want this for Him :)

thanks again :)
 
You are going to find that many people here will be judgmental on account of the fact that it isn't equally distributed, meaning that either of you may have an additional relationship.

Ultimately, it's your choice to accept that or not. You have said you do. So I won't harp on it.
But offer you a warning-expect that other posters WILL have a lot to say about that detail if they comment; because generally that isn't accepted well in many poly communities.
 
Agreed

Yes and i do expect that and even to an extent agree... there is a part of me that although i don't have any desire to go out of O/our dynamic ... i get the double standard ... i can completely see where it would upset others and they would see it as unfair... Lifestyles are different i most enjoy being His if i went outside of that i would lose much of what works for me in D/s... there are so many facets and complications to all of this... i like my life as His i appreciate His possessiveness ... i enjoy Him being in control...but don't think for a second i am either abused or unable to stand up for myself... i have the right to say no and He would respect that ...

Sadly last night He come home early claimed He felt sick nothing happened... i wish He weren't so ashamed of His desires and urges... i accept and love Him but how can i help Him? maybe it's just His journey and i should just love Him :)

i have read so much on these forums and frankly what i needed was to not feel alone and not feel like i SHOULD be upset about this... Society really messes with people and living in the Bible Belt... i thought i had learned to accept myself bc i am strong independent professional career oriented AND a submissive but clearly i still had some issues with thinking that i SHOULDNT b ok with this and thinking it isn't normal so i guess i really was the judgmental one!

it is so great to know lots of people are living full rich lives with more than one... The mono thread was exceptionally helpful!

~epiphany
 
I understand. I have a D/s relationship as well and there are details people who don't, simply can't understand.
Just figured it was important to give you a warning. Especially if you are feeling you need support.
 
You say that you are willing and that you just have to get over the initial hurt.

What is it that is hurting/causing you anxiety? If you are able to communicate specifically what your fears are with your husband, perhaps the two of you can work together to find good ways to manage those. So for example, if you are afraid of spending time alone, perhaps he can give you assignments for that time period. Having something concrete to work with and take steps to try and resolve could also help his confidence knowing that he is DOING something to help with your fears rather than just making you deal with them.
 
MusicalRose said:
You say that you are willing and that you just have to get over the initial hurt.

What is it that is hurting/causing you anxiety? If you are able to communicate specifically what your fears are with your husband, perhaps the two of you can work together to find good ways to manage those. So for example, if you are afraid of spending time alone, perhaps he can give you assignments for that time period. Having something concrete to work with and take steps to try and resolve could also help his confidence knowing that he is DOING something to help with your fears rather than just making you deal with them.
Click to expand...

i don't handle change well...i mean seriously i don't handle it well...Master has been all mine and devoted to me for so long...i guess i thought i would feel less special...please note i am saying FEEL...logically i know better...after reading through this forum though i have learned soooooo much!!!

The "other" is a slave, i am a submissive and its a big difference...she is a pain slut and i...am not...so i think its only natural to have some anxieties there...what if being with her is amazing and because i'm not a pain slut being with me is more like riding the carousel at the park :) i don't want to be boring!!!! but i won't be something i'm not either... He has had me and only me for years now...of course someone new is going to be SUPER EXCITING ...
i think there is always a fear of being left for someone new (i have a major history of men getting with me...me telling them how great they are and them getting all confident and leaving me for someone else...lol)...i know... i mean KNOW with everything i am that He isn't going to leave me or do anything to jeopardize U/us but i also know this has been a need in Him for a long long time and He isn't getting any younger :) and really...if He did leave me i know i'm strong enough to be alone and i am financially independent so worst case scenario i can handle it...

i think your idea of assignments might be great for me but more so for Him...He is so preoccupied that He might hurt me or hurt U/us He has really literally made Himself ill...i'm feeling very calm and ready and re-assured after reading this forum...i think part of me thought i was supposed to be a lot more emotional than i am because its my husband and my Master...honestly like there was something wrong with me thinking this was a good idea...

i wish i had been reading forums like this a long time ago!!!! W/we aren't into any public BDSM scenes or munches or even like minded friends...as professionals in O/our community W/we feel W/we have to be very careful...this slave is such a trusted friend i just can't imagine any better situation for Master to explore His other interests :D

anyway thank you :) its been so therapeutic reading this forum and even more so having a place to just express my thoughts :D

i'm staying out of town with the kids for another night hoping He gets feeling better and moves forward with her (been talking to her all day :D )

~epiphany
 
I'm not a kinkster, but have read a lot and been told by many who are into BDSM that kinky "play" isn't always necessarily sex, if you define sex as penis in vagina intercourse or some kind of penetration. So, I am just wondering if, since you seem to have said (if I'm understanding correctly) that the thing that makes you most uneasy is your hubs having sex with another woman, and he seems to be struggling with a huge amount of guilt about it, would it be possible to slow things down for now so that their Master/slave pain activities do not include sex right away - just until everyone gets acclimated to the dynamic and not feeling so stressed about it? From my non-kinky perspective, it does seem that most heavy-duty kinky people and/or fetishists have lots of ways to get off without involving what is commonly considered sex. Maybe they could use toys for any penetration, or focus on the servitude in other ways for now. Sorry if I sound ignorant, but that is just what came to my mind after reading your posts.
 
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