We've Come To An Agreement

I

ilovestrawberries

New member
Possibly temporary.

After deciding I'm mono and my wife wants to be poly, I thought I'd just get used to it after a while. I finally had to admit that I am absolutely miserable, stressed, & anxious and that this is not going away. The fact that she wants to date other people makes me feel horrible about myself and I don't feel like it's something I need to "correct" or "get over". I cannot get used to something I fundamentally disagree with.

There are other things involved too, such as she is not able to provide me with any emotional security because what she wants changes on a weekly basis. I need to feel secure. I need to make my own security. Also she may want to adopt a kid someday and I have NO interest in kids. I also told her that there will never be a time when I'm ok with her bringing another partner to live with us and then adopting a kid with them. I don't want that kind of life for myself.

So we talked on Saturday and I told her that the only solution I could see for now is for us to not live together 100% of the time. She has her own condo and so will stay there 3 nights and at my place 4 nights/week. This way she can keep all of her activities totally separate and I won't have to hear about them, see them, smell them, anything.

Obviously this isn't a permanent solution, but we really love each other and don't want to make any hasty decisions.
 
I see you are still working things out and things are becoming clearer bit by bit. Keep at it.

It's good you realize that the current solution is a temporary one.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
Thanks :)

I think for me it feels sad, like I'm disappointing her by not being poly or even by getting MY own needs met. I'm working on this with my therapist, but there's something about me that makes me feel guilty for getting what I need and not sacrificing for her. Ugh. It's confusing. But I can't go on like this forever...
 
ilovestrawberries said:
but there's something about me that makes me feel guilty for getting what I need and not sacrificing for her.
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I don't see this, you ARE making compromises to keep her in your life. Sometimes what you see as a big deal, isn't for the other person and vice versa. Sure it's not exactly what you envision as an IDEAL situation, but that's just life, a series of compromises and sacrifices we can live with. In a few months time, you sit down and discuss if the current situation is working or not. What needs to be tweaked to make it work better, etc?
 
but there's something about me that makes me feel guilty for getting what I need and not sacrificing for her.
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It is not selfish to meet your own needs first. It is necessary. Just like putting your own oxygen mask on first in an airplane crash before helping others.

There's the tilted ends of the spectrum:

  • selfish -- all about you, forget other people
  • selfless -- all about other people, forget about you

Then there's the balanced middle of "self-full" -- where you meet your own needs and the needs of others in a balanced way.

In this case your needs are for emotional security, monogamous relating. Hers are for polyshipping.

To meet both in a balanced way so both persons get needs met? You are trying this new thing on. Later you can reassess. It might work out. It might not work out and come instead to agreeing to be friends that do NOT date. Maybe something else. Who knows? Worry about it at THAT point in time. Get through this bit first.

Keep aiming for long term health even if there's some short term UGH to get through in the process. I don't think you are disappointing her or you -- it is that the SITUATION is rough right now. It is what it is. Keep sorting yourselves out.

I mean all that kindly -- I know you are still processing a lot. :eek:

Galagirl
 
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Yeah, I think for the first part of our relationship I was totally selfless because she was going through so much and I just threw myself into her. It's like I had that thing where you want to save a lost puppy. Now she's not so lost and she doesn't need me as much anymore and that just feels bad.

I think you're right...we should take this slow and not do anything too hastily. We do know we want to be in each other's lives, but we just don't know what that looks like long-term.
 
It sounds like a great solution to me, and it actually doesn't have to be all that temporary (if you two can afford two homes). In my travels through life, I've met numerous couples who live apart for a variety of reasons (and they weren't even in poly situations) - and it can work really well. Hell, I think if more married folk had separate places to live, the divorce rate would be lower!
 
Yeah, I think it's a good solution too! I'm afraid to admit it to her, though, but I kinda would like her to live at her place almost full-time and maybe we could spend less time together. I don't want to say anything to her right now because I have a tendency to change my mind a lot, but I'm hoping we can scale things down even more.

Even though I'm monogamous, (and I know this is going to sound weird), if we went back to just being girlfriends, living apart, and seeing each other less, I could get back to having a life which included dating/sleeping with other people.
 
Having said all that...I still feel nauseous at the thought of her being with someone else. Today is our first day apart and I won't see her till tomorrow. She already put an ad on craigslist and now I wish I hadn't seen that because now I'm going to be wondering what she's doing.
 
ilovestrawberries said:
Yeah, I think it's a good solution too! I'm afraid to admit it to her, though, but I kinda would like her to live at her place almost full-time and maybe we could spend less time together. I don't want to say anything to her right now because I have a tendency to change my mind a lot, but I'm hoping we can scale things down even more.

Even though I'm monogamous, (and I know this is going to sound weird), if we went back to just being girlfriends, living apart, and seeing each other less, I could get back to having a life which included dating/sleeping with other people.
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you're absolutely right that sounds weird.

a. you're in a relationship with a poly girl
b. you love her so much and don't want to lose her
c. you're moving out in hopes of seeing her less
d. you're moving out so you can start dating and sleeping around

you could have the best of all worlds if you simply would attempt to come to the right frame of mind by accepting her poly nature and discovering yours
 
ilovestrawberries said:
Having said all that...I still feel nauseous at the thought of her being with someone else. Today is our first day apart and I won't see her till tomorrow. She already put an ad on craigslist and now I wish I hadn't seen that because now I'm going to be wondering what she's doing.
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Well that was going to be my next comment - that now you need to occupy the time spent apart from her with people/activities/treating yourself well, etc., so you won't be sitting at home just thinking about her & wondering what she's up to.
 
Temporary or permanent is arbitrary.
The point is to focus on what is needed today, right now.

Tomorrow will come, tomorrow.

Good job on figuring out something that will help you out today. That's a good step!
 
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