Tired poly, but I think it may just be over...

[Mirky]

I'm here asking advice, maybe some others have gone through this sort of thing before.

Quick recap on my situation: After a threesome with a female friend of ours, my wife and I decided to try a polyamorous relationship.

I struggled a bit with jealousy, much due to NRE, but I was giving things an honest try.

We were sexual in pairs and occasionally as a threesome.

We are all good friends and have been for a while and things were often very nice.

Recent development: My wife and I had been planning a vacation for most of the year for our third wedding anniversary. After our relationship started with our friend, we decided that it would be nice to take her along with us. Well, for better or worse, we did.

Once we got to our destination, it became a constant struggle between me and the girlfriend to get my wife's attention and a lot of feelings were hurt and the whole trip ended up with my dropping her off and then me yelling at my wife. Not cool on my part, I have rarely ever yelled at her in our 12 years together, if at all, but I lost my shit. Not violent in any way, but I was pretty loud.

Most of my demands were about feeling loved myself and not having to always watch the two of them and getting no attention myself unless I practically beg for it...

Well, the next day my wife calls me during her lunch break and we talked a lot and she basically told me the old cliche of her loving me but not being in love with me and that she feels she is more lesbian by far and feels like she is really discovering herself. I cried and told her that I loved and supported her no matter what and apologized again for my outburst.

That night, she went to be with her GF and didn't come home until late even though I'd asked her to come home earlier to talk about what was happening. I didn't bother her about that, but it added to my despair.

I now know that the two of them have been flirting for around 5 years. We'd all been friends but I had no idea it was this way. My wife had always said she was bisexual, which was never a problem for me. We never brought a woman into the bed but I have never been opposed to that idea, or even letting her explore that side on her own...

She says she does still love me and she values our friendship and partnership but that she has no passion for me. I'm still very much in love with her. I asked if she wanted to stay married and she was silent, which says a hell of a lot.

I suggested that we go to a different arrangement for the time being where the GF and I don't see each other, and she doesn't tell either of us what happens with the other. We arrange nights properly for each person to have some time with her and try to keep our marriage afloat. They have agreed, but it feels like a bit of a sham... she still comes home to sleep most nights, but she is shutting down emotionally toward me.

Anyway... now I feel my marriage to the woman I thought was the love of my life coming to an end. My brain replays all the promises she's made me over the years about how she would be with me forever and her GF saying that she absolutely wouldn't break up a marriage... and it was on our anniversary.

Just a few months ago, my life was great. I was with the person I thought I'd grow old with and we were planning building a new house and now, I feel like I'm going to be starting over again at the age of 40. It's all such a shock that I really don't know what to do.

Sorry if this whole thing got rambling but I'm a bit distraught at the moment. I'm going to try not to stand in their way. I am a modern person and I realize that monogamy isn't really normal for people but it's not helping me feel better about this situation. Anyone else gone through this? What did you do? Anyone think it's feasible to try and keep the marriage together in the hopes that she decides that it was really just intense NRE and she does have feelings for me? This all feels so unfair... but I realize things aren't always fair and no matter what I do, it cannot and will not be enough... I hope things aren't as bleak as they seem but I really feel it's ending soon.

Thanks everyone for all your support and any advice.

 

[MusicalRose]

How long have she and her GF been together? You said they've been flirting for five years, but how long since the threesome/decision to become polyamorous?

 

[Mirky]

How long have she and her GF been together? You said they've been flirting for five years, but how long since the threesome/decision to become polyamorous?

It's probably been like 2 months where they've been together together.

Another note: my wife recently told me that she felt like both of us were trying to get her to choose to which I replied that I was absolutely NOT (in fact, I was afraid this might be the outcome) which makes me think the GF might have been putting pressure on her and with things being so shiny and new, how can she not choose her?

 

[polybynature]

I have no profound advice...but I feel for you. very much. If its over, its over...and its hard, but everyone gets through it. Hubs and I recently split as I was "in love" in that manner with BF and not him. Hubs has had a hard time but its getting better. We can talk and stuff a bit more now. Hang in there.

 

[MusicalRose]

That's a rough situation, and two months is REALLY new. It's normal to feel a huge discrepancy in passion between a new partner and an older one, but it sounds like your wife might really have her head in the clouds on this one.

Unfortunately, there might not be much you can do other than care for your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being, and set appropriate boundaries.

Hopefully your wife recognizes that she is in the throes of NRE, but dealing with it in initial poly relationships can be really rough. It never lasts, and it won't last with her GF, but she probably doesn't have the perspective to realize that or its implications at the moment.

If there is one book that might be good for the both of you to read together, Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is fantastic. I recall a section discussing NRE, and I think the words "remember, you have your head up your ass" were in there somewhere.

*HUGS* I hope you are able to find some resolution and establish some effective communication with your wife, but you can't do it alone, so don't blame yourself if she isn't meeting you halfway.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like poly hell to me. Could reading that help any?

Since it's only been 2 mos of dating, it could be wife lost in NRE lala's.

I suggested that we go to a different arrangement for the time being where the GF and I don't see each other, and she doesn't tell either of us what happens with the other. We arrange nights properly for each person to have some time with her and try to keep our marriage afloat. They have agreed, but it feels like a bit of a sham... she still comes home to sleep most nights, but she is shutting down emotionally toward me.

If this is the current agreement, I see two things you could work on:

1) TALKING TO CREATE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

You say she's shutting down emotionally. You asked her not to share what she does with the GF, but since that's her big current deal... it may take some effort to reconnect outside that topic. What do you guys do together that you enjoy? What other things did you talk about before a GF to create emotional intimacy?

2) YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT.

This is rough terrain, but don't let your emotions take over and stop you from being present in the marriage and tending to it. Also don't turn inward and clam up -- articulate what you might need within in the marriage clearly. She's not a mind reader.

What is it you need from wife? Could going over the list and circling help you? Then you can ask if she could be willing to meet the need.

3) TIME FRAME. Set a reasonable date outside NRE IN YOUR HEAD to for a check in on the state of the marriage. If there's progress, improvement or not. You don't have to tell wife that, esp if she's being pressured to choose by a suspected cowgirl. But for your own well being and healing... don't let this be the perpetual snooze tag either. YKWIM? A year out so it is past the NRE? What's your limit of tolerance?

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Mirky]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like poly hell to me. Could reading that help any?

Since it's only been 2 mos of dating, it could be wife lost in NRE lala's.



If this is the current agreement, I see two things you could work on:

1) TALKING TO CREATE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

You say she's shutting down emotionally. You asked her not to share what she does with the GF, but since that's her big current deal... it may take some effort to reconnect outside that topic. What do you guys do together that you enjoy? What other things did you talk about before a GF to create emotional intimacy?

I'm having trouble thinking of that right now... politics, news, friends... I don't mind talking about the GF, I just prefer not to hear about their sex right now, too much has happened. Our pets... we don't have kids together, so that's not something... other friends perhaps?

2) YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT.

This is rough terrain, but don't let your emotions take over and stop you from being present in the marriage and tending to it. Also don't turn inward and clam up -- articulate what you might need within in the marriage clearly. She's not a mind reader.

I can try this, but I think I might have been asking too much before, so I'm going to be very easy on asking for too much.

What is it you need from wife? Could going over the list and circling help you? Then you can ask if she could be willing to meet the need.

I'll have to look deeper into this site, but a friend and companion, and a lover, at least on occasion. The last thing might be a stickler right now, so it can probably wait, but I really don't want a sexless marriage, especially when she's having tons... I hope that's not too selfish.

3) TIME FRAME. Set a reasonable date outside NRE IN YOUR HEAD to for a check in on the state of the marriage. If there's progress, improvement or not. You don't have to tell wife that, esp if she's being pressured to choose by a suspected cowgirl. But for your own well being and healing... don't let this be the perpetual snooze tag either. YKWIM? A year out so it is past the NRE? What's your limit of tolerance?


HTH!
Galagirl

I don't know about this... are you saying I try holding things like they are for a year or so and reevaluate the situation? How long is NRE, I doubt it's an exact thing. I might be able to do that, at least... if she will.

As far as I know, we do have the deal that we're going to try our Poly this way for a while at least and see how it goes. It greatly saddens me, as the GF truly is a great friend of mine and I know it's hormones and jealousy getting between us but it seems the only hope for us right now. I hope someday we can all be friends and hang out together like we used to. I actually think I could hang with her now if it was just the two of us.

I'm willing to try almost anything but even if things work out, I'm going to have trouble ever feeling content in my life again I think... such a tough row I've had to hoe here.

 

[GalaGirl]

NRE is anywhere from 6 - 24 mos. I am saying you have to figure out what YOUR limit of tolerance might be. That is why I ask you.

You all try this new model -- if you are not seeing progress or return on your investment in 3 mos, maybe that's your limit. Maybe your personal limit is 6 mos. 12 mos. I don't know it. Only you can figure out what it is.

But I can make a guess that you don't want to be in limbo for 25 years, right?

I can try this, but I think I might have been asking too much before, so I'm going to be very easy on asking for too much.

You are not able to say "I am ok talking about your GF, I just don't want to hear sex details." to your spouse?

This is asking her "too much" to you?

I'm willing to try almost anything but even if things work out, I'm going to have trouble ever feeling content in my life again I think.

How about worrying about it at that FUTURE point in time instead of making predictions about it NOW? Less stressy for you. One can only deal with one thing at a time.

If this new arrangement is to allow you and wife to focus on reconnecting -- reconnect then.

If you cannot remember what you guys used to talk about before GF? It sounds like you are out of touch with wife -- ask her about her thoughts, feelings, hobbies, interests, etc. Get to know her as a person again. Share your own thoughts, feelings, interests so she can get to know you.

Hang in there. It sounds like weathering out this transition is challenging right now.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

GG, I suspect his wife's interests are mostly in lesbian sex right now, girlfriend.

OP, I used to chat online often with a nice guy I met on OK Cupid (dating site). He was in a similar situation to yours. Only it had been going on longer. I think for 3 years his wife had been uninterested in sex with him, feeling more and more lesbianic, and had recently taken up with a woman, with his approval.

They had a large plot of land, 2 kids, goats and chickens and vegetable gardens. He didn't want to break up. He loved her and loved their life.

But he was really feeling dead inside from lack of sex. However, his wife resisted him starting to date, even though she was! Finally she said OK. And so around then is when we started chatting. He was about 200 miles away. After a few months of chatting and flirting he was going to be in my area on business so we met, had dinner, he was lovely, and so I had him back to my place for a little fooling around. Poor guy, he enjoyed just being touched so much.

Then what happened? He goes home and tells his wife about our date, and all of a sudden she wants to have sex once a week! ha. Draw your own conclusions about that.

 

[Mirky]

First off, let me tell you all, thank you so much, as usual!

I think when I posted my post, I was in a bit of what I saw in "Poly Hell" referred to as a "poly-crisis". All three of us were.

I think our vacation just made everything too real and too up close and personal. The GF and I were both acting out, trying to get my wife's attention and then my wife struck back by completely freaking out and even saying she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married.

Well, after some discussion with both of them, we've decided to back up a step and try to get back to where we started with a few new guidelines. Yeah, I am a bit disappointed and scared that she chose the GF during her freak out, but I have to assume that NRE is the reason why and I'm not going to lose my mind over it, I hope. Sure, it happened and I'll always be mindful of it, but it also put me in my place a bit and I've realized that I can stand being in that place at least for the time being.

I have made the request for less PDA between them in front of me to the wife, which she has acquiesced to. I think the reason for this... is that even though I've known from the beginning that I am not supposed to keep score, it just makes it way too easy to keep score when I see the GF getting a lot of attention that I am not. I'm calling it a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

The GF wasn't happy with the idea of us not seeing each other, as we've been good friends for a long time... and I had to agree... so that is the compromise for now. I've even allowed for bathroom trips and "smoke breaks" that I will just stay at the table and let them do their thing.

When I talked about making demands before, it was mostly about me getting sex and I've realized that that was just not a good idea. My idea was that if she's getting to have a GF, I should get some extra sex... on the surface, that seems fine, but underneath, I've realized that it probably made sex with me more of a chore and even more unappealing than her lesbian filled mind was already making it. I have told her that sex is now completely up to her but that I really would prefer to not have a sexless marriage and I hope we can make that work.

I'm also going to take the advice about re-accessing after some time has passed and hope that they don't move farther away from me.

On the GF - I feel I may have accused her of forcing the choice, but I no longer think this to be the case. We have talked a lot about it and the truth of it is that when my wife said she might leave me for her, she absolutely freaked out as she had never asked for, nor wanted us to break up as a couple. She said that she fell in love with us as a couple and doesn't want to do anything to end that.

We have also agreed to no more threesomes, as it is a high pressure situation for all involved. The GF never seemed to have a problem with them and I even questioned her a few times about it and she said she wasn't doing anything she didn't want to do but it turns out that the wife just hates them. I know she has always preferred one on one with both of us and I agree that that's best for now.

The GF has actually become a bit standoffish with the wife after the incident because it was a side of her that she never really saw before and it raised some doubts. I really hope that they get back on track. I still love them both!

So, anyone see any problems with our current path? We plan to keep talking and feeling things out. We're going to try to save our friendship and our marriage and mostly we've all gotten over the poly-meltdown.

Thanks again!

 

[SlowPoly]

It mostly sounds very listening and caring and working together, so good for you all!

But my mind absolutely balks at things like this:

I have told her that sex is now completely up to her

The implication that this was not the situation before, and that your decree has granted her the right to not have sex with anyone if/when she doesn't want to is alarming. Maybe you didn't mean for it to sound that way. But the fact that you were able to write it out with that literal meaning should give you pause. Ditto for "I've allowed..."

Start from a place of egalitarian autonomy. Because this idea that you're making concessions is just whitewash for you having an expectation of control that is not normal or respectful in relationships between adults. Even married adults.

 

[Mirky]

It mostly sounds very listening and caring and working together, so good for you all!

But my mind absolutely balks at things like this:



The implication that this was not the situation before, and that your decree has granted her the right to not have sex with anyone if/when she doesn't want to is alarming. Maybe you didn't mean for it to sound that way. But the fact that you were able to write it out with that literal meaning should give you pause. Ditto for "I've allowed..."

Start from a place of egalitarian autonomy. Because this idea that you're making concessions is just whitewash for you having an expectation of control that is not normal or respectful in relationships between adults. Even married adults.

I think I get your meaning and our ideas of "control" probably just come from the normal ideas of what being married to another person implies, things like being monogamous and letting our partners know if anything important is going on in our lives, etc. Of course, we have no real control over another person but there can be limits to what one person or the other will "allow" in order to be able to maintain a working relationship and/or marriage.

When we first decided to attempt a polyamorous relationship... the wife said something to the effect of, "Of course, we (meaning her and the GF) won't do anything unless you're around." To which I replied, "I don't think I should limit what the two of you do, really." to which she agreed, happily.

At this same time is when I asked for or implied increased sex for myself in exchange, or at least around this time... she agreed also happily and it all seemed normal to us at the time but I think we underestimated the hormones and feelings involved in everything. We were just saying tit for tat and so on, in the name of fairness. Things aren't always fair, but it seemed natural to us to think we could make things fair, starting such a thing can be confusing. Expecting her to "put out" more for me was just plain wrong and I wish we both would have seen that from the start, but I did not and she didn't seem to either. If fact, she did put out more for me and while it was fun at the time, I think it was driving a bit of a wedge between us to which all I can now say is, oops! I hope we've learned our lesson from that.

Even when I would become mad or jealous over something or another, she often offered sex to me to try and placate me and I turned it down, which is something I would usually never do and I think this was the first indication to me that something was wrong with our sexual situation.

The present idea is that her and I will try to resume our normal lives, sex life included, I hope, as close to we can to the way it was before the new relationship began. No demands, or expectations... just our love the way it's been for years with the necessary concessions to account for her relationship with the GF. Ployamory is a huge deal, a huge step in life and we're doing the best we can... I certainly am trying.

Do you think this passes the smell test? Am I missing some greater point? As always, I value everything you all say here and thanks again!

 

[Mirky]

Just a follow up after re-reading my own post and I said that I've allowed for them to go and make out of whatever while I stay at the table... Perhaps a poor choice of words... I guess I should say that we've agreed that they will do extra PDA when they go off and I'm at the table. Does this seem like a bad idea?

I hate to ask for this limited PDA actually, I didn't used to but for my own mental health and the health of this relationship, I think it probably best to try this and hope it makes things easier.

thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey Mirky, I don't think you and your wife ARE Unicorn Hunters exactly, but this lengthy article about opening up a mono relationship could be quite helpful anyway. Lots of good descriptions of common mistakes and pitfalls, and how to do poly more successfully.

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

 

[Mirky]

Hey Mirky, I don't think you and your wife ARE Unicorn Hunters exactly, but this lengthy article about opening up a mono relationship could be quite helpful anyway. Lots of good descriptions of common mistakes and pitfalls, and how to do poly more successfully.

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

I didn't know the term "unicorn" until your post...

I feel a little like a potential unicorn jumped out into the clearing for us, but my wife claimed it for herself, which is fine with me as long as I keep my wife, whom I love very much.

She's a bit of a "friend unicorn" if you will, we were and are all great friends.

This was a great article and I appreciate it a lot! I even got my wife to read it and of course, we made a lot of mistakes. I wish we could start the whole thing over, maybe take things slower, have a few more pre-agreed upon rules, etc. but we have what we have and we're going to work from here. We also found a printable "unicorn hunters" certificate which made us laugh.

While the meltdown sucked, I think it might have helped things in the long run. I do know that the GF is still a bit uncomfortable with what happened but I hope she gets better and things go back to some semblance of normalcy.

As always, thanks a lot for all the help and advice!

 

[Mirky]

OK, another update...

Things were going alright after our "changes" and I was getting better at spending time alone while the wife was with the GF and our life seemed normal but then last night, the walls came crashing down again.

My wife picked up her phone and said that the GF was breaking up with her because she couldn't stand doing this anymore. She couldn't take being without her while she was with me... and the GF won't talk to me.

Well, then my wife through tears tells me that she doesn't think she can be with me because she feels that she's a lesbian now... really, what can I do?

I tried telling her that this could just be hormones, she actually fell for me in almost the exact same way when we first got together years ago... but who knows? This could be different and I can't stop her.

The GF has said that she won't be with her if she breaks up our marriage, and I don't know how I feel about that... do I try to be superman and tell them I give my blessing? That seems the right way to go...

I had thought that if we got through the whole NRE period, we could reevaluate what is important to us all and go forward from there as logically, I probably do have a lot more to offer the wife than the Gf does, but when you're "in love" that makes absolutely no difference.

I don't know... I'm going to talk to the wife tonight and see where things stand. I feel it's probably over and I really don't know where to go with things.

Starting over at 40 just doesn't sound fun to me. Got any more advice for me going forward?

Thanks all.

 

[GalaGirl]

My suggestion? Tell wife same as before.

I loved and supported her no matter what

It's ok to tell her that your hope is to stay married and be with her, but you realize it needs to be a shared hope to actually happen. So my suggestion is to be clear on where you stand and tell her you will accept where she stands. If they match -- they match. If they do not, they do not. Either way you both can handle it and do what needs doing.

The drama on the other side of the V? That belongs between your wife and her GF. I am sure your heart goes out to her since break ups are not fun for anyone. But it isn't your job to solve it for her. Encourage your wife to seek other friends to vent with or a counselor... other listeners. On this one? You just are not the guy. You are too close for comfort to be the listening guy -- you are IN the polyship V and have your own load to process here.

I mean all that kindly -- I know things are difficult for you right now.

Galagirl

 

[Mirky]

My suggestion? Tell wife same as before.



It's ok to tell her that your hope is to stay married and be with her, but you realize it needs to be a shared hope to actually happen. So my suggestion is to be clear on where you stand and tell her you will accept where she stands. If they match -- they match. If they do not, they do not. Either way you both can handle it and do what needs doing.

The drama on the other side of the V? That belongs between your wife and her GF. I am sure your heart goes out to her since break ups are not fun for anyone. But it isn't your job to solve it for her. Encourage your wife to seek other friends to vent with or a counselor... other listeners. On this one? You just are not the guy. You are too close for comfort to be the listening guy -- you are IN the polyship V and have your own load to process here.

I mean all that kindly -- I know things are difficult for you right now.

Galagirl

I haven't responded to this post because I've been going through a really strange and tough period.

Don't get me wrong, your advice is great and I've read it over and over.

Right now, the wife has said that she wants to stay together, but I kind of hear an implied "for now" at the end of that. I know that the GF has her own dreams of getting married someday and our marriage certainly would make that difficult.

I just reflect on how quickly a life can change. Even though I've used the term, "like an emotional roller coaster" before, I had NO idea what that could actually be.

Right now, at my suggestion, my wife spends most of her nights with the GF, and I'm getting better at staying alone, because I want them to find out if they are really meant to be together. The GF has pretty much ruled out the polyamory idea now, but we haven't had a good face to face yet.

I don't know... I'm spending as much time as possible going out with friends and I've gotten my old band back together as well but tonight I just felt exhausted with all of that and had to stay at home by myself and I'm reflecting on my losses which is depressing, but sometimes you just feel like self pity, you know?

I've also sort of decided to not resist when girls flirt with me and maybe even initiate some of it myself. It's not that I've never flirted with girls but in the past, I've always kept them at arms length because I was married and I thought that was the right thing to do, unfortunately for me, the wife did not feel the same way I guess.

I feel very rejected now by the person I thought was the love of my life and my best friend but I can't just let go. Maybe I will have to eventually, but for now, I'm riding it out.

I'm getting very little attention and the wife refuses to schedule nights at all, so I don't know what to do there, just keep trying to find stuff to do.

The two of us haven't gone out alone as a couple since before this all started and it makes me very sad. I've mentioned it to her but she just says things like I'm trying to make her feel guilty, or that we'll do something soon... she says her favorite time with me is watching television and being lazy which is fine, but shouldn't having a wife mean that I should get to go out with her alone in public once in a while?

I'm afraid to talk to the GF now because I feel anything could upset the delicate balance we've struck. I feel sort of betrayed by my two best friends right now... is that wrong? It really makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I want to talk to them about it, sure, but I feel that I'll come off weak and whiny and the GF will break up with her again, and I don't think any of us can handle that right now.

I don't know if we're poly anymore but you all have given me the best advice and helped me understand things. Maybe things will get better in the near future, I sure hope so but the waiting is hard.

Wish me luck and I'm always open to advice. Thanks.

 

[bookbug]

I am so sorry. You are behaving very gallantly, and I applaud your understanding and empathy of your wife's and girlfriend's plight. That said, while the configuration was different (I was the unicorn to a couple), when things got rocky - the wife did a 180 degree turnaround, going from promoter of we three to a slow dismantling - like you I was sympathetic, understanding, and tried to just suck up my pain, hoping things would work out, and I could keep my two loves. Probably, the right thing to do in the short term. However, I let it go on indefinitely, until she finally asked me to leave.

The cost in not putting a time limit on it, and failure to choose to leave when the situation became ever more ridiculous was great. I lost my self-respect having put up with the atmosphere of rejection for so long (although her husband did the best he could to soothe me). My joy was gone. My attempts at flexibility caused me to lose my sense of self-identity. It's been a long road back.

I know you love your wife and care for your gf, but please do take care of yourself. Understanding their issue doesn't mean you should ignore your feelings of rejection or consider your emotional pain irrelevant. They are not. I speak from experience.

 

[Mirky]

I am so sorry. You are behaving very gallantly, and I applaud your understanding and empathy of your wife's and girlfriend's plight. That said, while the configuration was different (I was the unicorn to a couple), when things got rocky - the wife did a 180 degree turnaround, going from promoter of we three to a slow dismantling - like you I was sympathetic, understanding, and tried to just suck up my pain, hoping things would work out, and I could keep my two loves. Probably, the right thing to do in the short term. However, I let it go on indefinitely, until she finally asked me to leave.

The cost in not putting a time limit on it, and failure to choose to leave when the situation became ever more ridiculous was great. I lost my self-respect having put up with the atmosphere of rejection for so long (although her husband did the best he could to soothe me). My joy was gone. My attempts at flexibility caused me to lose my sense of self-identity. It's been a long road back.

I know you love your wife and care for your gf, but please do take care of yourself. Understanding their issue doesn't mean you should ignore your feelings of rejection or consider your emotional pain irrelevant. They are not. I speak from experience.

Thanks for the quick response and advice. I have lost a lot of my identity, as you said... I thought I was a loving and loved husband in a very popular couple and now I am the secondary relationship, which is so confusing to my ego. I am trying to deal with the pain without hurting my wife, not always possible, but I don't like to see her hurt either.

After reading your post though, a question occurred to me. As a former "unicorn" yourself, in a similar situation to our GF, what do you suggest I talk to her about... we haven't talked much lately because the nerves are a bit raw, and I feel uncomfortable about what to even say to her.

What sort of things should I discuss with her when we have the chance? I'm just thinking that you might have a much better handle on this than I, having had experience in this area from the other side. I'm sure there are more of you here too, give me some ideas. I really hope that our friendship isn't ruined, but things are so tense right now... it's hard to predict.

Thanks.