Broken agreement? No hope. Help me, please!

S

Sw9689

New member
We've been together 9 years. We are soul mates. I have no desire to live without him but I can't seem to forgive him.

The agreement was that neither of us ever do ANYTHING without the other. A week after she moved in we all had sex and it didn't sit well with me. They asked if they could go have oral in the other room. I was hurt and scared. I was a pussy. I agreed. He did it without even bothering to ask if I would really be ok with it. I had JUST TOLD HIM that I would NOT be ok with it but he asks for permission anyway. They keep having oral together while I try to sleep for the next 6 months. He says he doesn't remember if he always told me about it afterward.

We had been together 4 months she was always angry and starting fights, pressuring me into letting them have sex without me there. I wanted to make it work so I ended up agreeing to it. I said that it would hurt me but that I would learn from it.

They did have sex without me. but then... Nothing. They never told me what they had done. He says she pressured him into it. She says they were just so horny that one thing led to another.

He never thought about it while having sex with me. Said that telling me would upset me and that excuses the lies. The betrayal. That he thought that having sex with her, fucking me while I had no idea what they had done would make me HAPPY.

I am just so angry that he didn't even bother to ASK ME how I would feel if he went through with it. I told him for EIGHT YEARS that it would destroy me and the first time I say it's ok he just does it! They had to walk right past me to get to the room where they did it (a room where they could shut the door so I wouldn't hear it.)

How do I forgive him?
 
Re:
"I told him for *eight years* that it would destroy me and the first time I say it's okay he just does it!"
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He's not living in those eight years, then; he's living in the here and now, and trusting you to tell him the truth. The idea that, "If he really loved me, he'd know what I was thinking," is a lovely romantic visual but unfortunately it's not in sync with reality. The truth is, humans are terrible mind-readers, even in the case of soulmates. You mustn't tell him "Yes" when you mean "No." Even if you want to test his love, you should unmistakably tell him what you want. Never ever agree to something that you don't feel right about.

I know that you are suffering terribly right now, and I am very sorry about that. I don't think forgiveness is something you can just suddenly do; it is a process and it takes a long time. I think the first thing that needs to happen is he needs to start treating you right. Clearly he doesn't understand how to do that, so you need to explain it to him in crystal clear terms. What he does after he has the absolutely true information, from you, in unambiguous words, is when the real test of his love can occur. It's a question of whether he will do (x) when you confirm to him that (x) is (still) what you want.

I don't mean to be hard and logical when you are feeling beat up and emotional. But I do feel that you need to try on a new pattern of more productive communication. Without such communication, we're lost.

I hope things improve for you soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you are so sad and hurt. Unfortunately, you lied to him when you told him it would be okay. I am sure he is feeling rather hurt and confused too, given your permission followed by anger and a sense of betrayal. It is unfair to expect another to read your mind.

Perhaps you can start to forgive him by owning your part of the issue?
 
You gave them permission. Why are you angry?

Don't say yes when you mean no
 
Sw9689 said:
I am just so angry that he didn't even bother to ASK ME how I would feel if he went through with it. I told him for EIGHT YEARS that it would destroy me and the first time I say it's ok he just does it! They had to walk right past me to get to the room where they did it (a room where they could shut the door so I wouldn't hear it.)
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You said it was okay, and he took you at your word. In eight years, people can change and he may have figured that is what happened, because, after all, you said it was okay.

Sw9689 said:
How do I forgive him?
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Forgiving someone for deception is difficult. And that he did, by agreeing to a set of rules (no activity without both of you present) and then by not following through. It makes trust hard.

Trust can be regained, IMHO, by a renewed pattern of honest behavior: actions matching words, information freely given, things like that.

However, failing to ask how you would feel if he went through with having sex with someone, when he'd asked permission and you'd given it, isn't something I'd see to forgive someone for. If you thought he would do it anyway, whether you agreed or not, you might have done better to say no and then call him on the deception if/when it occurred. If you trust him to respect your veto on the activity, then you should've vetoed it. To say yes and mean no benefits no one.
 
I'm sorry you are hurting - your pain really shows in your post.

You should never say yes when you don't mean it. A lot of this was directly attributable to the fact that you were dishonest. People cannot be mind readers. You need to confess your dishonesty. He cannot just magically know you would be distressed, no matter how much you think he should. He is clearly caught up in NRE and his mind is awash in hormones, so he is even less likely to catch anything - he wants the answer to be yes!
 
First and foremost I'm really sorry you are hurting so much. If you are ever going to begin your healing process you have to own your part in what happened. How can you expect your partner to be honest with you when you were not honest with him? This will end up changing your relationship with him for a long time. You need to be able to trust him again but he also needs to be able to trust you. You lied to him. He believed your lie. He did something that you told him he could. You're now hurt by it because he should have known you were lieing and done the opposite of what you said in order to keep you happy.
 
nycindie said:
Don't say yes when you really mean no.
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Exactly. You can't blame him for doing what you said he could. Perhaps when your relarelationship with her concludes then you should agree to be monogamous since 3way sex relationship upsets you.

Also put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you like to have an intimate relationship with your partner without his other partner there watching or dictate when you can have sex? She's a human being with feelings. She's not a blow up doll
 
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I'm having trouble with the timeline. All of this happened "after she moved in"?

But, yeah, what everyone else said. If you say you're okay with something, and people believe you, it isn't their fault. If you make a mistake, say you did, and go from there. If you want to be told everything they do, become more accepting when it turns out not as you expected. Realize they can say "no" as easily as you can (when you are able to offer them honesty). And if you want your relationship needs respected, listen to the needs of your partners. No one is required to say yes. But listening and accepting needs as real is one way to negotiate without fighting.
 
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