Trying to understand

M

Md2up4fun

New member
Long time lurker, first time posting and I need help. Hubby and I have an open marriage and everything is great between us. My trouble revolves around a long distance relationship with my best male friend from middle and high school. We recently reconnected on Facebook.

Dilemma:
•He knows all about my open marriage/swinging/Poly lifestyle
• Says he is open minded and would accept having a relationship with me because he loves me, always has.
• Getting conflicted messages. One day he is all lovie dovie, next like strangers greeting each other.
• He and his wife of 25 years split up in January. He also had a relationship with a local girl (N) before and during split with the wife (wife didn't know about her, he was cheating) she (N) moved in with him about a month or 2 ago and pretty he much dropped me until they fought, broke up, and she moved out this past Friday night. I attributed it to NRE and moving in together. Didn't hear from him for weeks on end and when I did it was very casual friend like. Again, I understood and didn't have to much of a problem with it. Figured NRE, moving in together, and her wanting all the time and attention (she doesn't accept he loves me too).
• Before she (N) moved in he would tell me almost every day "I love you", after she moved in, nothing was said. If I said it, it was ignored. The night she (N) moved out, he texted me and said I love you again. Felt like I was only thing left for him so he would try to make our relationship work now, I was an after thought.
• Talking about school and I mentioned I am glad that it didn't work out with my ex from school cause I would never found out who I truly was, the ex was uptight and never would have "allowed" me to be me. And that my current hubby helped me bring my true self to light and for me to be proud of it.
• He told me "I think I would have been pretty open about stuff like that."
• I asked him what is definition of our relationship was to him and how did he see us? His reply was "I see us as complicated. Growing. Learning. Supporting. I see you as the girl back home. Just like when I was in the marines. Not MY girl because you're with someone else."

That one statement "Not MY girl" really struck me as ownership and that hubby currently holds my leash, like in his head that one day he will be able to steal me away from hubby and he will own me.
I called him on that and he states that he wasn't trying to imply ownership and he accepts that any type of relationship he has with me will involve me having a relationship with hubby (or others).

I am not sure if I believe it. I have tried talking to him about getting clarification on stuff, but he refuses to talk about it, changes the subject, or just ignores the conversation entirely.

I've talked to hubby about all this, and he has listened and tried to help me sort through all of this confusion. But, the one person I need to listen and talk just won't.

I guess I just need some advice as to whether he is pretending to be understanding, and open minded and keep hope that he can accept me for how I am and be in this relationship, truthfully and honestly. Or am I reading his actions and statements right and he is just trying to "win" me, and then expect me to be monogamous to him while he cheats behind my back instead of being open, honest, and accepting of each other's relationships.

Sorry this was long winded, just trying to get all the info out in there.

-Wench
 
I don't know that he is necessarily trying to cheat on you or steal you from your husband based on the information that you've provided so far.

However, it does sound like poly isn't really up his alley and that he is keeping you on a back burner for the sake of convenience so that he doesn't feel lonely while he shops for a partner that he feels is better suited to him. Sometimes there are people like that, who take advantage of a poly situation to just not be serious about someone or invest in someone. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if that is what he is doing, then he should probably be up front about that and not throwing "I love yous" around.

Unfortunately you can't make him communicate. Read his behavior as best you can and decide if the way he is acting will make it worth your time to keep investing in any kind of connection with him or not. I'm struggling really hard with this right now. I have a partner who just straight up refuses to have a conversation and tell me what he wants out of the relationship and who has been giving mixed signals for the entire ten months we've been involved. I've recently decided to stop investing as much in him without quite breaking it off. I'm not sure if I can pull it off or not, and it will certainly be hard, but it is either this or cut him off entirely on a romantic/sexual level. It sounds like you may eventually have a similar dilemma. My best advice is to keep a healthy distance and space for yourself while you figure it out so that you don't have to backtrack as much as possible.
 
MusicalRose said:
However, it does sound like poly isn't really up his alley and that he is keeping you on a back burner for the sake of convenience so that he doesn't feel lonely while he shops for a partner that he feels is better suited to him.
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Thanks for the insight. I have been getting those feeling from my intuition and should have listened. Just today, he sent me a text and picture of a very pretty young lady that he works with. He said and I quote "She's flirty as hell with me and NO ONE ELSE.." (emphasis mine)
Maybe I need to just come to terms that he might just not be poly and I am being kept as a convenience. We should just remain good friends and call it at that. Like you also said, I wish that he would try to explain what he actually wants from this relationship so we can move forward, what ever direction that may be.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation, it can be very frustrating to say the least.
-Wench
 
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I agree with MusicalRose that he doesn't really seem to understand the concept of poly, and I am betting he can't answer your question about his expectation for the relationship because he probably doesn't know.

First off, given the cheating, it doesn't sound like he is very well versed in having honest relationships (yes, I realize there may be extenuating circumstances, but usually it is a sign of immaturity).

Secondly, even if he wanted the divorce, it's usually a pretty painful thing. I doubt that he is fully recovered.
 
I guess I just need some advice as to whether he is pretending to be understanding, and open minded and keep hope that he can accept me for how I am and be in this relationship, truthfully and honestly. Or am I reading his actions and statements right and he is just trying to "win" me, and then expect me to be monogamous to him while he cheats behind my back instead of being open, honest, and accepting of each other's relationships.
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You want to ask for opinions on whether you should keep hope alive that he can accept you for how you are? Take it at face value -- he says he is fine with how you are.

The question of whether participating in polyship is for HIM -- that's another thing.

And the question of how he can execute participating in polyship with you -- truthfully and honestly -- time will tell. What's he lied to you about so far?

When N was living with him and you were with husband also -- that's an N. Maybe as a post divorce poly newbie he was having a hard time being the end point of a "V" and tacking on being a "hinge" also -- too much in one go?

Could slow this down a bit so people get their sea legs, and you get a better sense of him being a cowboy or not since that seems to bother you at this time. Not to mention his honesty level / consistency. It's ok to go slow.

Galagirl
 
Thank you all for your responses. You all made valid points. I'm going to have to sit down and really contemplate everything that's been brought up. I'm not going to make any rash decisions. There's no rush and I'm going to take it slow and let this play out how it should. Thanks again for the enlightenment.
-Wench
 
NOT disagreeing with the previous posts.
But another perspective to consider.

Monogamy as a default is VERY VERY ingrained in our society.
My husband still often uses ownership like statements.
He actually very much enjoys being able to love more than one and while he came to poly by my flinging it in his face abruptly (and in a shitty way); he's come to see that it actually fits his personality and personal desires better.
HOWEVER-he hasn't managed to break out of all of the "autopilot" thought processes he lived with his whole life that are monogamy and ownership based.

That takes a lot of conscious effort.

Even I; and I've known I was non-monogamous my whole dating life, find myself periodically finding myself in a "make a claim" mode.

So he may not be ready to DO a non-mono relationship.
He may not be mature and self-responsible enough to manage an honest and ethical dynamic (mono or poly).
But that may be because he hasn't had the knowledge or enough time to really wrap his mind around it and deeply work on changing himself.
It also could mean he doesn't want to do the work-even if he agrees with the theory.
AND it could be that he's naturally mono.

I have friends who are naturally and happily mono. I have friends who are mono because they don't know how to be anything else even though it doesn't fit well.
I have friends who need to grow the hell up and are stuck in stupid and irresponsible relationship habits because even though they have the information, they aren't willing to do the dirt work to change themselves.
and I have friends who are poly and irresponsible with relationship.
I have friends who are poly and responsible.

His behavior doesn't necessarily signify that he is mono OR poly.
 
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