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I have been in a relationship with my partner for 6 months. I have always been in monogamous relationships. He is poly (which i had conveniently forgotten until a conversation a week ago) he feels trapped just with me and has found a lovely lass that we both get on with. She is also poly so I'm the only one this is all new to. They are being supportive but my mind flits between being happy about it to irrational fears about the future.
I want to be happy with it all but my own insecurities keep popping up. What can i do to become more comfortable. Im so worried that i wont be needed any more, there are so many things about her that he likes that i know i don't have. We want to be a three. We are gonna find time, just me and her, to bond. I don't even know what response i expect by posting this.
 
Just because you're in a poly relationship it doesn't mean you have to have more than one partner to balance things out. If you'd prefer to remain monogamous with your partner then that's what you should do. That doesn't mean he can't have other relationships, just that him doing so doesn't mean you have to as well.

I think you're doing very well at switching from standard mono-think to being poly-supportive. Be careful that you think about what you say and do in the next few months because it'd be easy to over-extend yourself in an effort to be accommodating and suddenly find yourself out of your depth.
 
I know i don't have to have a partner but i am kinda attracted to her too :eek: and we have kinda discussed being a three, we don't know each other well yet mind, and i think i would find it a lot more difficult if he was just out there doing it on his own. I don't think i could cope with that :( . Ive always had issues about not feeling good enough and worrying that I'm gonna be abandoned.i know these are unfounded so i guess I'm a lil panicked at a new idea and the fear that my own issues may disrupt what could potentially be a very good thing.
 
You have a lot of mono programming to undo. Consequently, you will have emotional reactions due to the programming that you logically know are unfounded. And there is where your strength lies - talking back to the unfounded, programmed fears.

You may need your partners' help in doing so. Tell them you are trying to unlearn your mono programming, and that you need their help in dealing with your fears. When you feel something like, "I am afraid, I won't be needed anymore," ask them to explain to you why this fear unfounded.

You can say, "I feel X. I logically know this is due to mono programming, but I need you to explain to me why this fear isn't real."

Now actually, the fear of not being needed or abandoned is a mono fear. In a mono configuration, the default is that we are allowed only one partner, so if we meet another person for whom we have interest, it means a choice must be made (although a lot of people cheat rather than making that choice). In poly there is no reason to abandon a good relationship just because we meet someone else who strikes our fancy. The chance of a break up is far, far less due to this event. (Yes, poly people break up too, but it is due to issues within the relationship, not because of having another love.) I mean seriously why would someone choose only one partner if s/he wasn't forced to make a choice?

It is true, the poly configuration is different in regard to time. Since there are more than two partners, it is not automatically defaulted that you will get all of your partner's time. So it is important that people pay strict attention to making sure enough time is allotted to each relationship to keep it healthy.

Keep visiting the forum. It's a good place to learn and ask questions.
 
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I said something like this in response to a post elsewhere on these forums, but I'll say it here as well:

I don't believe any one person can meet ALL of another person's needs. Poly works for some in part because each partner meets *different* needs.

Your concern about being abandoned or not needed is valid; you feel how you feel. But I would suspect that your partner is getting one set of needs met by you, and a different set by the other partner.

You won't be unnecessary to him, because you are meeting needs and wants of his, that others are not meeting. You can't be replaced; you're a specific, separate individual, and you have value in his life. The other woman isn't *instead* of you, she's *in addition*.
 
Thank you for your replies. Im just scared I think.
 
If you've only been with your bf 6 months, you barely know him. You are in NRE still probably, new relationship energy, infatuation, crush stage. Hormones generally are high, sex is frequent. NRE lasts 6-24 months generally, usually around 12 months. After that, you really get to know each other, warts and all. You're not there yet, you don't trust him, you don't trust polyamory either.

Now New Lass is on the scene. She might meet needs of bf's you don't meet. She might meet needs of yours he doesn't meet! After all, you're attracted to her, you're bi, she's bi, and so a man can't meet those needs for either you or her.

"We want to be a three." Jargon: in polyamory, that is called a triad, where 3 people are more or less equally involved with each other. A V is when one person is involved with 2 people, but those 2 people are not involved with each other, except perhaps as friends. They would be "metamours" to each other.

Often in these situations, a triad can turn into a V, when one partner decides she is more into one or the other of the other 2 people. So, New Lass might initially be attracted to you, but decide she's really into Bf. Or you might try her out and decide she really isn't for you, and go back to just wanting to be intimate with Bf.

Don't let either of them pressure you into 3way sex/romance. It's totally your choice. Don't do it to please them.

Otherwise, try this new thing out and have fun! It could be a lovely adventure.
 
But im worried about what if i cant cope with it. I love my bf, i would never want to stifle who he is but i just dont know. I dont handle change well. I dont want to trap him in an unhappy mono relationship but what if i cant sufficiently handle the poly aspect. I dont want to be the one ruining things for him. I know they will give me time to get used to it. But what if i dont like it. My life had just gotten settled. And now its all change again.

I cant, and wont, tell him not to do it. He needs to for his own good, and when im not panicking I really think it may be good for me too. He's spending the night round hers later this week. Im glad he has found someone so nice but emotionally it still hurts.
 
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If you're concerned about your ability to handle the situation, would it be possible to ask for a "probationary" period for the three of you to explore it? For example, "I'm willing to try this for now, but in three months, I'd like to revisit it to make sure we're all still okay." Or six months, or whatever time you feel is appropriate.

That way, you'll know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, if you *can't* handle it, and you'll also have time to decide what you personally will do if you aren't able to accept the dynamic. It will also give your boyfriend and the other woman time to see whether things between them are going anywhere.

Right now, though, it sounds like you're getting really tangled up in "what ifs" that might not even prove to be the case... So while it's important to communicate and to have some backup plans, it's also very important to not overthink things and not create trouble before there is any.
 
KC43 said:
If you're concerned about your ability to handle the situation, would it be possible to ask for a "probationary" period for the three of you to explore it? For example, "I'm willing to try this for now, but in three months, I'd like to revisit it to make sure we're all still okay."
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If you choose to do this make sure the lovely lass knows about it so that she has the opportunity to back away before getting emotionally involved. She has the right to know that she's being used as a crash test dummy.
 
Both know im new to it and i would never want to hurt either of them. If i cant cope with the poly side then i will try being mono myself and letting them continue. If i still cant cope then it would be best i stepped away from the situation rather than try to stifle what they need in life. I cannot and will not change who they are. But i will cross that bridge if i come to it. When i panic i get caught up in what ifs (as KC43 so rightly noted) what ifs are not the reality, they are the fears.i must learn to control them.
 
Emm said:
If you choose to do this make sure the lovely lass knows about it so that she has the opportunity to back away before getting emotionally involved. She has the right to know that she's being used as a crash test dummy.
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Emm, I think this is incorrect. You seem to be assuming Neo has veto power. I did not see her say she has that.
 
And also, my intention was for Neo to ask *both* other partners for a probationary period. With three involved, three have to agree. I don't see that as lovely lass being used as a "crash test dummy"; I see it as "Hey, I'm not sure I'm okay with this, would you two be okay with us talking it over again in a few months after I've seen how it's going to work?"

Neo, I have the "what if" panic thing too (as Guy could tell you, having just spent nearly 2 hours on the phone with me helping me unravel the what ifs in my brain into manageable chunks with concrete solutions...I have issues going on right now with my older kid, Hubby, S2, and three of my publishers, so there were a LOT of what ifs). So I completely understand that mindset.

But when you get too tangled in what ifs, it becomes more difficult to figure out what the *real* problems are vs. what your fears are, and to find ways to solve things.

I don't know how helpful this would be to you, but when I have a bunch of fears running rampant through my brain, it helps me to write them down. When I can SEE the fears and what ifs, I can more easily recognize which ones are completely illogical, which ones are possible but not likely, and which ones are realistic, and then I can deal with them accordingly. Whereas if I just try to *think* things through, I stay tangled up. I have to see things to sort them properly.
 
Kc43 writing does help me sort out my head. I find that when I write things down it lifts a weight off, even if it doesnt physically change things its a help mentally. My partner has already made me promise to tell him when I get into thst negative head space. He knows already the way my head works and my insecurities and he loves me anyway.
 
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