First experience a bust, added fuel to fire of doubt

KC43: I don't consider her need to have other relationships to mean that she doesn't love me, but I do consider it to mean that she's not satisfied with me. I don't want to end up being the old boring husband that she comes home to out of obligation. I want to be the one that she wants to have fun with and spend time with and be romantic with. I am willing to do what it takes to change and meet any of her needs. I understand I can't meet the need of being a woman, but other than that, I don't see why I couldn't just adjust to meet her needs.
She has been great at trying to communicate her point of view to me and in talking with me as we try and come up with guidelines that will allow her to be happy and allow me to try and be as comfortable as possible, for all I know, it may be something I get use to in the future. She has tried to make an effort to check in with me and let me know how she feels about me, and she's actually been more on board with me finding another relationship than I have, she pretty much wrote my okc account for me, lol. I just still have a hard time believing that if she's going somewhere else for her needs, then that person isn't going to become more important and enjoyable to her and I'm not going to be relegated to some secondary afterthought. At the same time, I have a hard time not feeling like a bad person if I'm looking for another relationship knowing that I'm always going to place my wife first and this other person is never going to be more than "backup" for when my wife's not around.
 
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You want to be *the one* she goes out with and has fun with and be romantic with.

That is monoamorous thinking.

For someone who is polyamorous, there is no *the* one to do those things with. There is more than one.

Going out with others doesn't mean she feels obligated to come home to you. She comes home to you because she loves you.
 
Thank you for taking to time to try and help me with this. Hopefully one of these days it'll get through my thick skull and I'll feel ok with it all. I want to be able to be fully supportive of her and help make her as happy as I possibly can.
 
It isn't easy to understand. Our society defaults to monogamy.

Love isn't a finite thing. If you give love to one person, you aren't taking it away from someone else. You're simply giving love to more than one person. Hubby doesn't lose anything because I'm in a relationship with Guy; Guy doesn't lose anything because I'm married to Hubby. I love both of them.

The fact that you're willing to work toward trying to understand this is a big step, and shows how much you love your wife. One thing I might suggest is counseling; there are poly-friendly counselors who might be able to help you and your wife explain your points of view to one another and reach a middle ground rather than you feeling as though you have to give something up to let her have what she wants.
 
lol, counseling seems to be a commonly heard word around me right now. My wife thinks I should go because I have a touch of PTSD and no self-esteem. Maybe I should take it as a sign that I should find out about going.
 
If you have PTSD, I would definitely recommend you seek out counseling. It would probably benefit you to have someone you see individually. It would also, I think, benefit you and your wife to see a counselor--not the same one, necessarily--together to work on how to navigate your marriage and this new development.

Needing counseling isn't a bad thing. It just means that you need perspective from someone who isn't directly involved in a situation.
 
My PTSD is limited to getting startled by thunder when I'm asleep and also now I dread the 4th of July because even though I know the sounds are fireworks, my heart starts racing and think about being over there.

I definitely think it would be beneficial towards my self esteem issues which might help me embrace the poly lifestyle more.
 
Could reading this help? Take it with you to counseling? Discuss with wife?

Handling those kinds of feelings and laying them to rest could be part of your journey.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

If you do not want to date, thank your wife for being open to that, but at this time you do not want to. Make friends instead, take classes, hobbies.... Whatever you like during your alone time. If you want more dates with your wife, ask her out and plan some dates.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl is wise.

Also... *you* don't have to embrace the poly lifestyle if it isn't how you're wired. You could simply learn enough to be comfortable with your wife embracing it, while you remain exclusive/monogamous with her. Polyamory isn't always engaged in by both members of a couple. Hubby is completely monogamous, but understands enough of the whats, whys, and hows of polyamory to be comfortable with me expressing that aspect of myself.

Which may have been what you meant...

But yeah, working on your self-esteem would at the very least help you recognize that there is no deficiency in you that's causing your wife to do this; it's something in *her* that needs this, and it doesn't really have anything to do with you.
 
Sparky said:
KC43: I don't consider her need to have other relationships to mean that she doesn't love me, but I do consider it to mean that she's not satisfied with me.
Click to expand...

While we often get caught up in talking about this or that specific need, I think one need that is often overlooked, is that some poly people simply have a need for variety. And it doesn't matter how fantastic a person you are, you can't be more than one person any more than you could be a woman.

Something to consider.
 
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