Facilitator or valued triad member?

If you're hoping for a family unit type deal it's not going to happen. I just do not see it, especially with this background info presented.
 
Our girlfriend was is the same position as you, although she was considered a wife. Her solution was to go online and find a husband who is OK with her being part of our family. This gave her a family where she was primary and another where she was secondary although I hesitate to small her secondary because she was treated as an equal when with us but she had a kid and could not stay with us every day.
 
maxnsue said:
Our girlfriend was is the same position as you, although she was considered a wife. Her solution was to go online and find a husband who is OK with her being part of our family. This gave her a family where she was primary and another where she was secondary although I hesitate to small her secondary because she was treated as an equal when with us but she had a kid and could not stay with us every day.
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This is NOT the solution to the problem if the OP is MONOGAMOUS.

Why would a monogamous person add a partner?
 
Thank you Magdlyn for your balanced and open response. Some of the mroe recent ones I have found to be extremely judgemental .. and of little value to my situation (a kind of 'bagging out' if you will).

I am constantly reviewing my situation in my head and although, yes, there are days where I feel 'it's not for me'... others, I feel confident and that yes.. I can and want to. I have a great deal of respect for the other woman involved in this and never felt an 'affair' was ok. I kept quiet because the male asked me to.. it's hard to find the 'right way' or 'right time' to break something like that to someone... if fear is a sin then yes.. we 'sinned' but.. it was not done out of malicious intent. 'Not telling' was fear based. As I mentioned.. at the outset, their relationship was not in a good place.

Since I started this thread, and on reading some of the more positive and encouraging replies.. I have looked at myself honestly to find out what is causing me to think 'I can't do it' and one of them is my need to have more social contact with the guy.. it's not possible due to his situation and nor do I feel would it be fair for him to give me everything I wanted. So resolve this.. I am thinking .. 'all or nothing'. I have spoken to him about this and together we have agreed that it's ok for me to date and have male friends. We have also agreed that if I want to make any of these friendships 'sexual' that would be discussed by all three of us and we would proceed from there. I think for someone who is new to 'polyamory'.. I'm doing ok.. the fears and anxieties I am experiencing.. I think are not that unusual and it's as much about 'committing' to the concept of polyamory as actually being 'born' one. I have decided I want to commit.. I expect their will still be days when I feel 'I can't' but.. with open discussion and support from both the male and female I am involved in.. (and that works towards them too because.. she has her moments.. and so does he), we will get through this, we will have a strong healthy relationship and we will be better people for it. I hope one day in the future.. if someone comes to me with the same kind of anxieties as I have and still do have with regard to his situation, I will treat them with the kindness and compassion they deserve as a fellow human being.. instead of being judgemental and narrow in my response to them. Thanks.
 
When I say all or nothing.. I don't mean.. choose me or her, I mean.. if we are to be polyamorous, then it would be congruent with that concept that I be able to source the additional things I need from outside our 'relationship' as long as done in a respectful and fully discussed way.
 
Options, options

Hey Alycat,

So if I'm correct from your perspective, your moving to a Poly relationship, has changed the dynamic in the relationship with your love and his wife. This has been positive for them but you are resenting this change - the void that you were filing has gone.

This resonates with me hugely. You are firmly in a Secondary role and I guess you need to either embrace this for the many positives that can bring, and deal with the issues of jealousy, longing, waiting which seem to come as part of the package. This also would require you to, somehow, get to a point where you are celebrating his and their happiness and your contribution to it.

If this seems unachievable, then chances are you should heed a lot of the advice herein and cut your losses/protect your heart.

There is are excellent articles here on both what to expect and demand as a second, and also Jealousy - how to reframe your current social programming and come to terms with sharing the love of someone.... Really helped me...

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

Good luck sweetheart
 
If you think I'm judging, fine. It's just common sense to me, you're basically a fluffer at this point.
- You used the word seem, not that you know from her (specifically) that this is acceptable.
Just because something seems fine on the surface doesn't mean it is. Plus you sound like you're walking on eggshells. Nothing about having a discussion about anything with both of them, just him.
Best believe if you brought up the possibility of being involved with their kids?
Only speculating because there is no information that you even talked to her at all (aside from work). She probably still sees you as the other woman. And now this other woman wants to be involved with her kids?
Also I'd be looking for another job just in case.
 
I'm confused why your choice to become sexual with any male friends you make would be something you need to run by his wife. Certainly I can see informing him. I can see that he might mention it to her. But the whole aspect of you becoming sexually intimate with someone with whom she is not involved.....why would she have a say or need to be part of that decision?
 
Why does the wife get a say in your sex life?
 
Vinccenzo said:
I'm confused why your choice to become sexual with any male friends you make would be something you need to run by his wife. Certainly I can see informing him. I can see that he might mention it to her. But the whole aspect of you becoming sexually intimate with someone with whom she is not involved.....why would she have a say or need to be part of that decision?
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I think its because she stated that they are in a triad? She is the couple's girlfriend
 
No where does she mention a relationship on any level with the wife. I think she misunderstand the term triad.
 
, he was proposing to me that we work hard together to get his wife onside and propose me joining them as a 'third'. Amazingly, this is actually what happened.
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Joining them as a third what then?
 
Alycat said:
Thank you Magdlyn for your balanced and open response. Some of the mroe recent ones I have found to be extremely judgemental .. and of little value to my situation (a kind of 'bagging out' if you will).

I am constantly reviewing my situation in my head and although, yes, there are days where I feel 'it's not for me'... others, I feel confident and that yes.. I can and want to. I have a great deal of respect for the other woman involved in this and never felt an 'affair' was ok. I kept quiet because the male asked me to.. it's hard to find the 'right way' or 'right time' to break something like that to someone... if fear is a sin then yes.. we 'sinned' but.. it was not done out of malicious intent. 'Not telling' was fear based. As I mentioned.. at the outset, their relationship was not in a good place.

Since I started this thread, and on reading some of the more positive and encouraging replies.. I have looked at myself honestly to find out what is causing me to think 'I can't do it' and one of them is my need to have more social contact with the guy.. it's not possible due to his situation and nor do I feel would it be fair for him to give me everything I wanted. So resolve this.. I am thinking .. 'all or nothing'. I have spoken to him about this and together we have agreed that it's ok for me to date and have male friends. We have also agreed that if I want to make any of these friendships 'sexual' that would be discussed by all three of us and we would proceed from there. I think for someone who is new to 'polyamory'.. I'm doing ok.. the fears and anxieties I am experiencing.. I think are not that unusual and it's as much about 'committing' to the concept of polyamory as actually being 'born' one. I have decided I want to commit.. I expect their will still be days when I feel 'I can't' but.. with open discussion and support from both the male and female I am involved in.. (and that works towards them too because.. she has her moments.. and so does he), we will get through this, we will have a strong healthy relationship and we will be better people for it. I hope one day in the future.. if someone comes to me with the same kind of anxieties as I have and still do have with regard to his situation, I will treat them with the kindness and compassion they deserve as a fellow human being.. instead of being judgemental and narrow in my response to them. Thanks.
Click to expand...

Alycat,

I hope this relationship works out for you and you get what you want out of it.

Perhaps people here are too quick to say 'move on'. I'm willing to entertain that idea. Also, the typical caveats of 1) we only know what posters tell us, and 2) the stereotypical can't control what people will respond with when posting on the intertubes. Some forum folks consistently have an abrasive tone. I don't see the point in maintaining that tone because it consistently hinders understanding but posters here are encouraged to write what they want, when they want, in whatever tone they want. This is a good thing overall. I will take abrasive over unwillingness to address the elephant in the room.

But I have to say I resent your assertion that folks who suggested that you sound miserable and maybe this is not the right relationship situation for you are not being 'positive', that we didn't treat you as a 'fellow human being', that we lack compassion and are all 'judgmental'.

Sometimes the most positive thing to do is to leave a situation that is not what we want. Staying in a relationship is not always the 'positive' decision.

Everyone every single day makes judgments all the damn time. You sounded miserable in your initial posts. I judged that maybe this is not what you want, based on what you said. Making decisions on information I have - yes that is judging! I attempt to remain open to more information and to know that my judgment is always situational. It will change. But the post quoted above just reeks of you disagreed with me, therefore you are judgmental. It's totally fine you didn't find my thoughts useful. That's you using your judgment. But I damn sure used my judgment to make them.

Anyone posting on this thread could have not posted. There is no requirement to post. I don't post on threads where I feel I have nothing useful to say, or I judge (that word again!) the situation to be so screwed up, there is no point. Other posters, like Galagirl, chose to spend their time addressing some of these clusterfucks. I admire that. People here will not tell you what you want to hear. But they will spend their time to try and offer you their thoughts and ideas. You are not obligated to accept, understand or use any of them. But doing so is an act of compassion. Just because what they had to say didn't match what you ultimately decided to do doesn't negate that.

Look, relationships that start as cheating often don't work out. Intentions often end up mattering little to the end result. They sometimes end up as hugely damaging to all involved. Relationships governed by fear often fail. Relationships where one gives away one's power reflexively often eventually flounder. (Why do they get control over who and if you date? Do they have to get your approval to date too?) Triads are hard to do well, and they are hard to maintain over time. Mono/poly relationships are difficult and sometimes end with resentment all around.

It is entirely possible that you three will work really hard and beat the odds. I sincerely hope so. Other folks have succeeded at great personal cost and hardship. But pointing out that what you are attempting to do is really frickin' hard, and you don't seem so sure you want to really even try - that doesn't equal negative or unbalanced.
 
Ummm can I just say - as a newbie to the site and Polyamoury that it can be really tough to get up to speed with the terminology and slang used in this world (and yes I did read up on the glossary etc). It is just hard. So I do sympathize with Alycat and that comments in the third person about "she doesn't understand..." well, is possibly true, but not kindly delivered.

I'm sensing a disbelief from the room that a relationship founded on unethical behaviour can be a Polyamourous success long term? Reminds me of my mother "Once a cheater, always a cheater". I just suspect the majority of Poly people started that journey with a 'cheating' situation - even if not consummated sexually, cheating thoughts, cheating desires.

Is that not true, and in any case, cant we cut some slack on cheaters? Especially if they are now trying to do the ethical thing.
 
I think the doubt's come from how trust is so necessary with poly. This situation is a good example. One spouse's trust was broken. An unlikely good outcome for the married couple; they managed to mend. Now the OP has trouble trusting the formerly betrayed partner. Not being trustable can often lead to an inability to trust as well.
 
We?
No matter what she calls it she is a fluffer. There until something better comes along, which in this case is back to the wife.

The "disbelief" is merely common sense (to me/imo). I wasn't even thinking 'once a cheater'. Just with the limited information you can only speculate so much, and it's not in their favor.

Didn't feel the need to reiterate her lovely justification for said cheating. If I wanted to slam dunk them for the cheating, I would have done more than reference it as a possibility of why they most likely won't get their desire of involvement with her kids.
 
Just to say: Have now located a sexologist and counsellor locally. Wonderful person.. no judgement, just sound advice from a wealth of experience (both professional and personal).

Thanks for the responses. To the boo-ers .. good luck.. attitudes such as the ones you display and lack of ability to be criticised.. well, that makes for it's own set of unique problems.

To the helpful, kind people on here.. even those who didn't like the tone of what I said but were kind in response.. thank you. I hope your voices continue to ring out loud and strong over the less pleasant contributers on here. The world needs more people of such calibre.

Aly
 
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