She's jealous of me

A

Aibutiej

New member
Hi. I'm new here but could use an outside perspective. My boyfriend of two years "N" is also involved with a married couple (also for about two years). Let's call that woman "P". Although N has his own apt., he spends all available Friday-Monday at P's house. I, on the other hand, live in a far off state so hardly ever see him. (We manage to get together maybe 4-5 times a year.)

Last Nov. I flew to visit him and we decided to all meet each other over lunch. From my perspective, that was a disaster. P controlled the conversation and made me feel very left out. (At one point she started talking to N about who would be joining them for Thanksgiving.) After I flew back home, P told N that she has a problem with me.

Since then she seems to be increasingly jealous of me. She asked to be informed of any plans we were making to get together. I have no problem with that request since I like to know when N and P are getting together also.

So in early July, when I told N that I'd like to visit him Jan 2-6 and he agreed it was a good idea, I tossed off "Make sure you tell P."

Well, in early August, I told N that I wanted to buy my plane tickets because the prices were good. He told me to wait because he hadn't mention the visit to P yet. Ok. I agreed to wait. Except that he would see P and not mention it. Weeks passed. Finally last Thursday he told me that he had told P about my plans to visit him and that she had responded, "Oh, I don't want her to do that."

I was surprised because I didn't think she got a vote in the matter. I asked N if he still wanted me to visit him. He said yes. I said, "Ok, then, I want to buy my tickets this Saturday. Can you explain to P that this is happening?"

Except that this morning I got an email from him telling me that I should not buy those tickets because P is uncomfortable with the idea and he does not want to disrespect her feelings. That he does not want me to visit him under the circumstances.

The way I see it, her jealousy is manipulating his life. I don't think she should have the right to ban me from visiting.

I told N that I would not buy the tickets. At this point, I no longer want to make any kind of plans to see him since it seems to be up to P anyway.

I am beyond hurt.

What do others think? How should N be handling this?
 
So his married girlfriend doesn't want him having other partners? Essential him telling you not to come means he isn't allowed to see you. In my opinion there isn't a relationship there and I would break up with him
 
He isn't worth this sort of headache.

A) he doesn't stand up for you.
B) he seems to have no consideration for you
 
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In your shoes, I would be done. Your hurt is normal - but it appears that N is not willing to do what it takes to keep up the relationship with you. She seems to have veto power. Sigh.

That said, I expect he will find that P has a problem with any woman he tries to date.

I am sorry.
 
I would break it off with him - and let him know it isn't P's fault, but his.

I would inform him that he has clearly demonstrated that you are not valued and respected by him enough to want to be with you, no matter how uncomfortable and manipulative P gets, and that he has revealed his true colors as a coward with no backbone. Her feelings are her responsibility and no one else's.

Sheesh, what immaturity.
 
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Kinda sloppy hinge, IMHO.

I am sorry you are hurt. I think your problem is not with P. You do not have to love her, but this your bf's handling of the situation that is messy. Her request to be informed ahead of time is reasonable. You want same treatment.

If He did not tell her way early in august and firm it up so you can buy? That is his lack of telling.

If his lack of follow through messes you up ? And also messes up P's calendar too on her side of to V? I could see where she would be pissed at him. Still his lack of telling.

I hope he is not telling her "well it is all A(you)!" Like he seems to be telling you it is all P. Like he cannot give you a solid date because of P. That is not true. His time management belongs to him. If he does not want to or is not able to because of prior commitments, he could own it and just tell you a flat no rather than lollygagging.

That lack of decisiveness, lack of follow through, and not taking personal responsibility for his time management but being sloppy about it? And then fobbing the blame on the absent partner? Sloppy.

And why is he telling you private convo with P? She is allowed to say she does not want something. "I don't want any candy. I don't want to go theme parking. I don't want you to have a trip with your other partner then." So? He could say "I see that. But that is what is happening." You do not have to be privy to how they sort their stuff out on that side of the V. He lacks discretion.

Not cool. Sloppy hinge behaviors. :(

Galagirl
 
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Thank you, everybody. You are saying what I've been thinking. And you are right, I shouldn't blame P; she can't help how she feels. It is N's handling of this situation that is not right. I deserve better.
 
Yes, you do. What you are both asking for -- a simple heads up for calendar planning --- is totally reasonable and realistic. How else can dates be made if calendars are not organized?

Galagirl
 
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As a follow up, what is the proper response to someone who says, "Oh, no, I don't want so-and-so visiting you. The thought of her here with you makes me really uncomfortable."
 
I don't know that there is a "proper" response.

However... If someone is involved with two people, it is their responsibility, in my opinion, to give each partner equal consideration.

In your situation, if P tells N "I don't want A visiting you because that makes me uncomfortable," N could do as he apparently has done and say, "Okay, I'll tell her not to come." That implies that he is giving her more consideration than you.

Or, if he genuinely values each of you, he could say, "I'm sorry that you're uncomfortable with the idea, but she is my partner too, and I want to have that time with her. I am going to have her come visit. Is there something I can do to help you feel more comfortable about it?"
 
P shouldn't have veto power over your relationship with N, and that's on N.

If one of my partners said: "Oh, no, I don't want so-and-so visiting you. The thought of her here with you makes me really uncomfortable," I'd respond with something like:

"I hear that this is really hard for you. I'd like to know what specifically is difficult for you, and we can work on that. But I want to see him/her and he/she will be spending time together. What can you and I do to make this easier for you?"

P can state her preferences (e.g., N can't see you), but N doesn't have to agree to them. It's about N and P expressing both of their preferences and then figuring out how to compromise. I want to emphasize that it's not your responsibility to solve their communication problems. You're hearing everything filtered through N as well, so we don't know the context of their problems. For instance, if I had a major surgery scheduled during the time that my husband was planning on seeing girlfriend, I would ask him to see her another time. But I trust him and his girlfriend to respect my needs and I would make every effort for them to see each other another time. Although it doesn't sound like this is what's going on for P and N, perhaps there are other things going on for them that we don't know about.

It's definitely not fair of N to make decisions about your relationship with him based on his relationship with P. If you feel that N is unwilling to stand up to P and treat your relationship with him with respect and equality, then it's up to you to decide if: 1) what you do get with N is enough for you or 2) if you want to be with someone who treats you as a real partner.

Good luck and keep us posted.
 
Aibutiej said:
As a follow up, what is the proper response to someone who says, "Oh, no, I don't want so-and-so visiting you. The thought of her here with you makes me really uncomfortable."
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That's unfortunate because I need a boyfriend I can ACTUALLY see. So sorry that you can nail longer meet my needs or view me as a priority to you. Good luck wirh your relationship with the control freak but this is goodbye. I need a partner with a backbone
 
Inyourendo said:
That's unfortunate because I need a boyfriend I can ACTUALLY see. So sorry that you can nail longer meet my needs or view me as a priority to you. Good luck wirh your relationship with the control freak but this is goodbye. I need a partner with a backbone
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This
 
Inyourendo said:
That's unfortunate because I need a boyfriend I can ACTUALLY see. So sorry that you can nail longer meet my needs or view me as a priority to you. Good luck wirh your relationship with the control freak but this is goodbye. I need a partner with a backbone
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Perfect.
 
Could you be willing to clarify what polyship model you guys practice together here? I thought this is supposed to be a "separate but equal" V arrangement. Where you share a BF. But you and P do not really interact much. Did I think wrong?

If so? Are you trying to do his job? If P says to N that she does not want you coming? HE is the one to ask HER what about a visit makes it hard for her to deal with and sort it out. Not your job.

If he is dropping his problems with her on your head you can tell him no thank you. Not your job or place, you are sorry he struggles, but talk to someone else about it outside the polyship.

If I were the hinge and one of my partners said that to me? I would ask " I have two partners. I want to spend time with each. So...what about this trip makes it hard for you? That does not mean I am going to change anything this time about the trip date, but I would be interested in understanding for planning in future so it is smoother for all. What is your need? Something I can help you with before or after the trip?"

And I would expect my partner to articulate what it is.

Mildly uncomfortable is not going to kill anyone. How else do you become comfortable? It is by going outside the usual, risking some uncomfortable and finding out it is not a big deal after all. If P needs some before care and some after care? It is on P to ask N if he is willing to provided those things before and after his time with you. That is still all stuff on their side of the V. Not yours.

Since it sounds like you find this info out from the hinge? I do think it makes HIM a less than discreet hinge to be blabbing her stuff at you if this is a "separate but equal V model" you all are trying to practice here. ARE you all clear on what model this is you are trying to practice together? What the boundaries are so that model can run well?

In this case? If it turns out that part of what makes it hard for her is his own lack of telling ahead of time or his (say yes and then no and then yes and then no) dithering... I would not be surprised. Sigh. :(

If both of you experience that kind of behavior out of this hinge for two years I can see why both might be fed up!

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, you are not wrong. I met P just the once and we don't interact at all.

I'm not trying to do his job. I'm certainly not going to say anything to P. But yeah, maybe I want to give him some advice about the kind of conversation he should be having with P instead of just trying to make her happy by letting her have her way. As for N blabbing their conversation, he really didn't. He just told me what she said as the reason why I shouldn't buy my plane tickets. He said he didn't want to disrespect her feelings. I have no idea what other conversations they are having.

But you are also right that N makes things harder all around by not being firm and clear and decisive about everything.

GalaGirl said:
Could you be willing to clarify what polyship model you guys practice together here? I thought this is supposed to be a "separate but equal" V arrangement. Where you share a BF. But you and P do not really interact much. Did I think wrong?

If so? Are you trying to do his job? If P says to N that she does not want you coming? HE is the one to ask HER what about a visit makes it hard for her to deal with and sort it out. Not your job.

If he is dropping his problems with her on your head you can tell him no thank you. Not your job or place, you are sorry he struggles, but talk to someone else about it outside the polyship.

If I were the hinge and one of my partners said that to me? I would ask " I have two partners. I want to spend time with each. So...what about this trip makes it hard for you? That does not mean I am going to change anything this time about the trip date, but I would be interested in understanding for planning in future so it is smoother for all. What is your need? Something I can help you with before or after the trip?"

And I would expect my partner to articulate what it is.

Mildly uncomfortable is not going to kill anyone. How else do you become comfortable? It is by going outside the usual, risking some uncomfortable and finding out it is not a big deal after all. If P needs some before care and some after care? It is on P to ask N if he is willing to provided those things before and after his time with you. That is still all stuff on their side of the V. Not yours.

Since it sounds like you find this info out from the hinge? I do think it makes HIM a less than discreet hinge to be blabbing her stuff at you if this is a "separate but equal V model" you all are trying to practice here. ARE you all clear on what model this is you are trying to practice together? What the boundaries are so that model can run well?

In this case? If it turns out that part of what makes it hard for her is his own lack of telling ahead of time or his (say yes and then no and then yes and then no) dithering... I would not be surprised. Sigh. :(

If both of you experience that kind of behavior out of this hinge for two years I can see why both might be fed up!

Galagirl
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Actions speak louder than words. Your bf has told you that you are second class to P.

I am sorry but if Murf lived so far away he had to fly to come see me I would rearrange my life to accommodate his travel schedule. Butch's wants would not over ride Murfs.
 
Dagferi, I have other times felt that way too but it makes me really sad to see that sentiment in print. :(

Dagferi said:
Actions speak louder than words. Your bf has told you that you are second class to P.

I am sorry but if Murf lived so far away he had to fly to come see me I would rearrange my life to accommodate his travel schedule. Butch's wants would not over ride Murfs.
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If N were the OP here, I'd recommend that he talk to P about what the difficulties are. Why is P struggling now with you spending time with N, but it was okay before? Is she feeling insecure in her relationship with N? Is she feeling threatened by how close you and N are becoming? Does she not like you, or is she struggling with allowing N to be poly himself? How is her relationship with her husband, and could problems there be carrying over into her relationship with N?

In the end, her fears/insecurities/preferences should be hers and N to manage. What seems particularly complicated is that she has already nixed you coming out several months in advance, as if she is unwilling to do the personal growth needed to prepare herself for your visit. As much as I believe N shouldn't have given into her fears, perhaps he needs to tell her that he will not cancel plans the next time you two make them. He can respect her feelings of discomfort and be willing to address them, without giving in to them. My concern is whether or not he feels he can do this with her and be clear about sticking to his guns while validating her emotions.

It must be a really hard situation for you, especially since this is all on N, not you. I hope you get through this without too much pain.
 
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