Rolling in the Deep

C

ClockworkDragon

New member
So I've been here a while, posted in Poly Relationships a few times, but I feel like I need a more... bloggy style thing.

So here has been my journey through poly thus far.

My first few posts can be found here and here. That brings me up to more recent history.

I made a choice to cut ties with my ex boyfriend, completely. For a number of reasons, not just because my husband couldn't deal with him, but also because he is vain, immature, and made some comments that I didn't appreciate. Among them? That I have "potential" and would look amazing if I lost some weight and worked out.

...

Yeah, I don't need that.

So my husband has broken up with one girlfriend, and fallen in love with another. That was going well, but last night blew up in their faces when they came out to her mother. I think they'll get through it, but it's tough to see someone you love hurt.

So I'm still hunting for my fella. OKC has proven to be difficult. Most men on there are total pigs, who see poly and think "easy."

I've found one guy, though, that I've made a real connection with. We've been on two dates (one late night app run to Applebees, and one movie night as his place) but we have yet to consummate; he's a gentleman for certain. We have a date Friday, as well. I'm thinking maybe we won't stay up so late.

So that's me, up to now. Maybe I'll update with more interesting drama as time goes on.
 
Well, drama yes. Poly no.

Last night, my husband woke me up by snuggling up close, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me gently like he never does, and whispering in my ear, "I love you, Susan*"

Three times, over 10 minutes.

Now he was clearly asleep; he kept falling limp and snoring, but if I moved, he'd perk up and do it again.

All I could do was lie there with my heart pounding.

It hurt.

I wasn't going to say anything, but just roll into it and try to enjoy the sensation (he doesn't really do that with me anymore. We've been together 16 years, the NRE for us is long since gone.)

But he woke up then, and knew something was wrong, so I told him, "I'm not Susan."

He burst into tears. Naturally, he feels terrible. He broke up with his girlfriend this morning. He wanted to leave me. I think we've settled for now on trying monogamy, and seeing if we can patch up our broken marriage.

I don't have a lot of hope, to be honest. The reason we went poly was we loved each other, but had nothing at all in common. That's not going to change once we remove the distraction of other relationships. I'm scared that I'm still going to end up a single mom, even if we make a go of being mono.

It's been a nice distraction, at least. But it may have only delayed the inevitable.

NOw, I have to figure out... how do I move on after what happened? I know it was only a dream, but still. That hurt. A lot. Not even the words, so much, but how differently he held me. Like I was someone else.
 
So hubby confessed that he already wishes we could go back because he has a chance to fuck a 20 year old.

He isn't asking, and he feels skeezy about it. But at least this is honesty. I told him that it's perfectly okay to have thoughts and wishes; it's just a fantasy. I don't even mind if they talk and exchange pictures. I'm just done with the rollercoaster. I need time to process this, and to heal. Who knows what the future may hold. There have been a LOT of good things to come out of our poly experiment, and maybe one day we'll go back to it.

Maybe we'll stay mono, and stank up a nursing home one day instead. ;)

Or maybe... maybe we won't be able to get past our issues, and will end up divorced. I don't want that, but it may happen.

If it does? I'll never be mono again.
 
Clockwork, I went back and read your older threads.

It sounds like both you and your husband are making quick and rash decisions in your handling of poly.

He had a sulk because you had sex with your ex, when it was supposed to be ok? You broke it off with ex.

He talked in his sleep about his current gf, and you were hurt? He broke it off with her.

Maybe you two could consider telling OSOs you need to take a short break to work things out with each other around poly arrangements/boundaries/scheduling instead of being so black and white, and cutting things off suddenly with OSOs, hurting them and probably making them feel unvalued, in the process.

And now your h is all of a sudden wanting yet another woman, a 20 year old he has a chance to fuck?? Now is not the time to add yet one more person to the polymath.

You say your h has only been sober 8 months. And I know if he is sober, you now relate to him differently. I assume he is going to AA? Are you going to AlAnon?

New ways of relating to the world, more mature ways, will come, if you work at it and take it slow.

OTOH I saw you write elsewhere that you 2 decided on poly because you had "nothing in common anymore." Is this so? If you two have nothing in common, what kind of things is your marriage based on? Kids, and sex? Is that enough?
 
Magdlyn said:
Clockwork, I went back and read your older threads.

It sounds like both you and your husband are making quick and rash decisions in your handling of poly.

He had a sulk because you had sex with your ex, when it was supposed to be ok? You broke it off with ex.
Click to expand...

"Supposed" to be okay is the operative word. He told me to go ahead, but he didn't mean it. He felt cornered and pressured, and it was his attitude just to say "fuck it" and be done. I knew he wasn't okay with it, and did it anyway. (Ex is decidedly unaffected. Through a great deal of hindsight, I see he was using me.) I screwed up in that case. If I'd waited for any other night, made plans, talked it over, it might have been okay. Honestly, I don't think it ever would have been. To use Galagirl's word.. this guy is on his messy list. It's not rational, but it is.

He talked in his sleep about his current gf, and you were hurt? He broke it off with her.
Click to expand...

Turns out he was looking for an excuse. THey'd only been together for a month (less than, really) and things were moving way, way more quickly than he was comfortable with. He doesn't deal with stress nor confrontation well.

Maybe you two could consider telling OSOs you need to take a short break to work things out with each other around poly arrangements/boundaries/scheduling instead of being so black and white, and cutting things off suddenly with OSOs, hurting them and probably making them feel unvalued, in the process.
Click to expand...

That's what we're doing, now. I'll update in a moment here; but we've backed up, had some excellent, deep conversations, and now we're progressing forward, but with more caution and more plans. We've figured out there was more going on than sleep talking here; now that we've had time to process it, he's done panicking. He doesn't deal with crises well.

We are definitely taking some time off; the two people we've been talking to will likely remain non-physical friends, building relationships, while we work on each other for a little while. We're not setting limits, but asking for communication first and a great deal more caution. And slowing things down for a bit.


You say your h has only been sober 8 months. And I know if he is sober, you now relate to him differently. I assume he is going to AA? Are you going to AlAnon?
Click to expand...

Yes to both. (He's actually about to reach a year next month. He's 11 months sober, now.)

I'm actually an officer with my al anon group. ;)

That's a LOT of his problem; he has no idea how to deal with stress, nor conflict. He's having to learn how to do all of that, without substances to dull it. He has ups and downs.

New ways of relating to the world, more mature ways, will come, if you work at it and take it slow.

OTOH I saw you write elsewhere that you 2 decided on poly because you had "nothing in common anymore." Is this so? If you two have nothing in common, what kind of things is your marriage based on? Kids, and sex? Is that enough?
Click to expand...

Children, love, laughter. I think it's a bit of hyperbole on my part. We're rediscovering the things we do have in common. A deep physical attraction, of course. We are rediscovering a love of comedy. Family, and the intellectual connection we haven't found with anyone.

There's a lot there; it's just easy to dismiss it when you're in a crisis, you know?
 
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So, today.

Today is much, much better. We've spent the last two days talking. We've rooted around to find the cause of the meltdown. Instead of facing two options, monogamy or divorce, we've talked out what happened.

The post mortem? That woman is CRAZY.

It's harsh, but a bit true. She's been obsessed, and her constant need for contact has been a constant stressor. I felt like because I've been so unjealous and accepting that I didn't have the right to speak up about my misgivings. He enjoyed her attention; on the heels of a relationship that was the polar opposite, it was like a dying plant given water.

He was looking for an excuse to break up with her.

The dream talk was not nearly as bad as it seemed on the surface, now, looking back, I was shocked, didn't know how to handle it, but I wasn't really all that upset. It hurt, yes, more than I expected, but now that I've had a little time to process it, it's not a big deal. His guilt was stronger than my hurt.

So we've decided to put the brakes on the poly; approach things slower, building friendships FIRST. Things with this woman progressed scarily fast; she went from first date to "I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU" within a week.

Even when he was home, he had to constantly be in contact. If he missed a call, she'd panic and start blowing up the phone, even after being asked to STOP. If he told her he'd call in the morning when he woke up, she'd start calling at 10 AM to see what was wrong (we're night owls, and often sleep til 11 or 12.)

An after the breakup, it got WORSE. 10 hysterical voicemails on the house line, 6 voicemails on his phone, 20 texts, and several messages on each of our facebook accounts demanding explanations and visits to reconcile.

Yesterday morning, it continued. Even after telling her he needed time to clear his head and relax, she send three more texts.

Keep in mind they've only KNOWN each other a month. Been dating for roughly 4 weeks.

I finally had to message her to tell her to back off (and as a rule, I try to stay out of his relationships entirely.) When even that didn't work, he had to get rude and tell her if she didn't stop he'd change his number. She finally stopped.

So I think we were doing some avoiding of the real issues. So our plan for now is to SLOW down. No more active dating. We're talking to two people (one each) and we'll stick to building friendships with them first while we work on reconnecting with each other. I was feeling distant and set aside; how could I not when even when he was home, he was constantly texting her?

I've talked through all of this with my guy, and he's totally cool with me progressing slowly. He's patient, and that's one of the things I like about him. He'd even asked if we could still talk and play video games together; we're friends, first.

We've both apologized, and now we're just going to work on slowing things down. This already feels so, so much better.

The funniest part of all of this? He was the one with the misgivings. And now he doesn't want to give it up.

Live and learn, and now we know better where our boundaries are. My job is to speak UP when I have issues, instead of transferring them to other, irrelevant things like arguing about AA meetings, deal with them. He's going to work on not overreacting and snagging me on the rollercoaster.

Definitely a learning process.

Today and yesterday have involved a lot of honesty, talking, and physical companionship. I have enjoyed it a lot.
 
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Holy SHIT. That woman just took it up another level. Apparently she contacted one of hubby's facebook friends to tell her that he was married, and had stopped seeing other people, and she needed to leave him alone because he was going to be with her.

And then she CALLED her (the girl had left her number in a facebook post. Not smart, but still. What the hell.)

She had also sent us both facebook requests after we deleted her.

CRAAAAAZY.
 
I had a good date today. Went to my friend's house, we hung out and watched a cheesy kung fu movie, and he made lunch. We talked SO much! I had intended to get sexual, but unfortunately my oldest called me from home, and I had to cut the date short. Hubby had a seizure, and since he's off his meds for that, I knew his recovery wouldn't be easy.

So I left an hour early, with promises to make up for it next time.

So still no sex, but after hubby was feeling better, he made up for it for me.
 
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