Having Second Thoughts...Need Advice

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MissBlueEyes

New member
My husband and I have been married 9 years and this past year started a poly relationship (our first) with a good friend of both of ours. Everything was great and we all decided she should move in with us. However, recently I have started to feel like they are leaving me out. I am trying to work through my jealousy, because for the most part I think it is because this is so new for us. But last night I blew up and had a major melt down. While I was sleeping they decided to go to a different room and mess around (which is fine, sex between them isn't the issue), but when I woke up and went to look for them they acted like they weren't doing anything. The thing is they were, I saw them, and I don't understand why they would hide it from me and lie to my face about something that isn't a problem between us all. I find this very disrespectful and hurtful. It's like when a member of a 2 person relationship lies, hides things and sneaks around, it feels like cheating. This isn't the relationship we all agreed to in the beginning, but when I said this I was made to be the bad person. Any advice?
 
MissBlueEyes said:
I don't understand why they would hide it from me and lie to my face about something that isn't a problem between us all. I find this very disrespectful and hurtful.
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This seems kind of like a trap to me. If you knew that they had moved off to the other room to fool around, and it's ok that they fool around... then why are you mad exactly? Were you trying to bust them doing something they were allowed to do?

[EDIT: wait, is it because the three of you are only allowed to have sex at the same time?]

It sounds like you were setting them up to fail and they were hiding it from you... like all three of you are playing some kind of game with one another. Is it possible that the three of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about what is going on?

Playing games will result in this kind of drama. I suggest all three of you cut it out.
 
Marcus, that is not the case at all. I did not know why they had left the room. She had been feeling sick and I went to check and make sure everything was ok. They were in the living room, so I did not have to really go looking, just walked out of the bedroom. And no we do not all 3 have to be involved to have sex, the sex was not the issue, the trying to hide it was. So there was no "setup" or "trap" on my part, only concern.
 
MissBlueEyes said:
So there was no "setup" or "trap" on my part, only concern.
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No problem.

So they were fooling around (which is not against the rules), you busted them (for doing something that isn't against the rules), they denied it (for no reason) ... then what? They made you to be "the bad person"? How did they do that?
 
I understand why you are upset. I don't have a problem with my husband and his other partner being intimate when I'm in the house but earlier in our relationship it would happen when I was out of the room and stop as I returned so that I wouldn't see anything. I think my husband was trying to protect my feelings but it just made me feel very uncomfortable, as if I was in the way. It's fine now, stuff happens spontaneously and it feels much more comfortable.

If you had a meltdown the day before perhaps they were feeling a bit anxious or confused by your reaction. It is likely that they didn't want you to find them being intimate with each other because they thought it would make you upset. I think you need to tell them that you don't really know why you are struggling at the moment and ask them for their support and understanding to help you work through it. Be very specific that you don't mind the intimacy between them but explain that when they try to hide it it makes you feel hurt and excluded. I think talking things through will help all of you.
 
I would also be upset in your case. I did the exact same thing you did. in my case, my partner and I invited a girl to spend the weekend with us. I woke the one morning to find myself alone. I was fine with it, we'd even talked about that he and her would be sure to make some time for just each other in the mornings.

After a while, I decided I felt like joining them and walked into the other room with the two of them (she had requested her own bedroom for the weekend, which we complied with, otherwise, she would have of course been welcome in our bed).

In that case, however, he and she did NOT stop what they were doing. I think that's all you wanted, for them to not act like they were guilty and hiding something. But to act my like partner and our....I don't really have a good word to call her :) Short-lived girlfriend? :)
 
I can understand your reaction. If you are truly in a poly relationship, why would they feel the need to pretend it was something other than what it was? It might make you feel like they were hiding something other than the sex on the couch.

However, chances are it's probably nothing more than them trying to be considerate of your feelings. I wouldn't eat an ice cream cone in front of my daughter if she wasn't able to have some too. Remember, that the more you react in those situations, the more likely they will feel like they need to protect you in the future. Show them you can handle the truth.

Hang in there!
 
LovelyLady said:
I can understand your reaction. If you are truly in a poly relationship, why would they feel the need to pretend it was something other than what it was?
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Maybe because he or she has issues with sex? I love my metamour, and knows she knows that her husband and I have sex... but her seeing us make out on the couch (let alone her walking in on us being more intimate than that) would make me very uncomfortable, and I would stop doing whatever I was doing with him. Not hiding what we are doing from her, I KNOW she knows what we were doing, but just uncomfortable continuing to do it.
 
I am not sure if your melt down happened first or if it occurred when you "caught" them. However you stated that you have started to feel left out by them. It is possible that they have picked up on that and wanted to "protect" your feelings by hiding actions from you. If the melt down occurred first there would be more reason to "protect" you. Sometimes we tell white lies to protect ourselves for instance a child lying about eating a cookie. Sometimes we tell white lies to protect the other person for instance eating the burnt biscuit and saying breakfast was good. The eggs might have been good but burnt biscuits usually are not. But we appreciate the fact that someone cooked them and respond politely. I understand that hiding what they were doing seems bigger than burnt biscuits however since it was not against the rules they probably felt like they were protecting your raw feelings.

Time to work on the jealousy before it snowballs even more.

Mike
 
MissBlueEyes said:
My husband and I have been married 9 years and this past year started a poly relationship (our first) with a good friend of both of ours. Everything was great and we all decided she should move in with us.
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Even though you were all good friends before, maybe it was too soon for her to move in with you. Less than a year's involvement? Perhaps it would be less awkward if she lived elsewhere. She doesn't need to live with you to have a relationship with you, does she?
 
You situation is similar to what mine was except that the women who moved in with us was my wife's best friend. I understand the problem and the way I handed it was let my wife know everything we did. I had full permission and even encouragement at times, to be alone with our g/f. Never hid anything from my wife. She would sometimes walk in when I was having sex with her g/f and all I would do is invite her to join us. We also each had separate bedrooms to avoid the who is sleeping with who and for how long, issue.

If I am honest, I do not blame you for feeling the way you do. We all know what happens with a new lover. They are exciting because they are new and it is different so you tend to give them more attention. I was very aware of that and always, included my wife or made it clear that she could join us anytime she wanted. I think she would have been suspicious if my g/f and I pretended like nothing was happening when she entered the room. It may just be a case that they are not used to doing things without you and do not want to hurt your feelings.

My advice which you are free to ignore, is to just talk with them and let them know that anything they do is OK with you but when they act like they are hiding something, it makes you feel like they are cutting you out of the relationship. We went 38 years without my wife ever feeling hurt, jealous or left out. Communication is the key plus our secondary female made sure that my wife was OK with whatever I asked her to do alone with me. This way, my wife never had reason to be suspicious or feel left out.

Who brought up the idea of bringing in another woman. In my case it was my wife which eliminated any concern that my wife would have had if I had brought up the idea. Maybe that has something to do with your feelings.
 
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