Holidays

[Iceley]

Hey y'all. Its been a rocky year due to escalating issues with my metamour, Briseis. Briseis and I haven't been on good terms since my partner, Lillit, and I eloped earlier this year. Lillit is in a long distance triad with Briseis and her husband, Aristides. The issues with that need a thread of their own. Briseis told me a couple of months back that I was wrong for marrying her girlfriend without her permission. No, there's no D&S element in their relationship. I feel no guilt over wanting one thing to myself. I don't intend on apologizing. She may feel wronged. That's her problem.

I should back up a little. Lillit's parents don't know the extent of her relationships with Briseis and Aristides. They don't know that they're in a triad. Lillit's father reacted badly to her coming out as gay many, many, many years ago. He's come around little by little. At least he's no longer claiming she has dishonored the family and brought them shame. He knows about me and gave us his blessing for our marriage. Lillit knows her father. She knows how far she can and can't push him. She's decided that it's best if he doesn't know that she's polyamorous. I believe a lot of Briseis's issues (jealousy and/or envy) with me are because of fact that she doesn't and will most likely never have the validation and acceptance of Lillit's family. She's always just going to be a friend to them.

The last meeting I had with Briseis turned physical. She stepped to me in an argumentative manner. I kept telling her that I didn't want to talk to her. I turned to walk away. She grabbed me. I pulled away. She wouldn't let go. I hit her in the face. Not my proudest moment. Lillit thought we would've hashed our issues out by the time the holidays rolled around. We haven't. The plans for the holidays are up in limbo. I don't feel like I should have to extend an invite to someone who doesn't respect me and thought that it was cool to put her hands on me. I won't allow Briseis to make me feel put out of my own home. The issue is Lillit wants to spend the holidays with her three partners in our shared home. I'm not going to pretend like we're one big happy family to keep the waters still. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in my house. We were asked by my and Lillit's families to host Thanksgiving and Christmas. We accepted three or four months ago. We knew we'd be in our new house and would want to celebrate our first holidays as a married couple at home.

Ready for the six degrees of separation and crazy? Aristides is my brother. I doubt he'll come if I block his wife, Briseis, from coming to our home. I don't need our parents looking at me and wondering why I'm being rude to my sister-in-law and her family. They don't know about my drama with Briseis. If this scenario happens, Lillit really won't get to spend the holidays with all of her partners. Recent talks with Lillit have shown that it's important to her to spend the actual days with all of us. I feel out of place suggesting that she spend the day before or the day after with them. It comes off like this is a hierarchical situation and like lording some kinda veto power. I promise it's nothing like that. I've never had or needed veto power. I just don't want any problems. The solution seems to be to keep the source of the drama away from me and out of my home.

How should I handle this? Our talks have hit a wall. I need unbiased opinions. Should I bite the bullet and let Briseis come to our home because it's what my partner wants? Should I 86 the family holiday plans and make plans without Lillit, so she can be with them if that's what she chooses? I don't want Lillit to resent me. Should I bother trying to reach out to my metamour again? Lillit does a great job at being a hinge, but she can't fix this or even encourage us to fix it. I know for a fact that she has talked to Briseis on a number of occasions. Lillit won't leave her. I'm stuck trying to find ways to deal with her during times like this. Something tells me when they move back to Texas, it's gonna be just as problematic. Briseis is living overseas with Aristides and wreaking havoc from a distance. Wait until she gets back. I'm sure I haven't seen anything, yet. I'm trying to be mindful of Lillit's feelings and wishes for the holidays. I don't want to get lost in the shuffle or be forced to tolerate something to keep the waters still.

Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thank y'all.

 

[Inyourendo]

Seriously reading your post made me thing of Weird Al's song "Jerry Springer"

so your partner is in a triad with your brother but you cant stand your brother's wife and you punched her in the face because she laid her hand obn you?

well first of all your brother's wife doesnt own your girlfriend. your girlfriend chose to marry you and you dont need your metamore's permission.

I think if you guys cant be civil and mature enough not to yell at each other then you will just have to stay away from each other. sounds like you are in an awful situation, esp when they move back she is going to be in your face and even if things didnt work out between you and your wife, she's still going to be your sister in law.

You could be the bigger person 1 day a year and just have them over and try to avoid interaction as much as possible. because it sounds like the 3 of them are going to want to be together for the holiday and if you are the one holding back you are going to be the bad guy.

I personally would be fine having my wife go off on the hoiday and be with them, but then again holidays dont matter to me at all so this wouldnt be any sort of sacrifice.

 

[Candiedlove]

Seriously reading your post made me thing of Weird Al's song "Jerry Springer"

so your partner is in a triad with your brother but you cant stand your brother's wife and you punched her in the face because she laid her hand obn you?

well first of all your brother's wife doesnt own your girlfriend. your girlfriend chose to marry you and you dont need your metamore's permission.

I think if you guys cant be civil and mature enough not to yell at each other then you will just have to stay away from each other. sounds like you are in an awful situation, esp when they move back she is going to be in your face and even if things didnt work out between you and your wife, she's still going to be your sister in law.

You could be the bigger person 1 day a year and just have them over and try to avoid interaction as much as possible. because it sounds like the 3 of them are going to want to be together for the holiday and if you are the one holding back you are going to be the bad guy.

I personally would be fine having my wife go off on the hoiday and be with them, but then again holidays dont matter to me at all so this wouldnt be any sort of sacrifice.

Pretty much all this. Let her go off with them for the holidays. And if they have to be at your house, then let them and don't let your metamour control your interactions with your wife or anyone else. If she wants to be around you, while you're acting all lovey and kissing your wife, than let her.

My metamour insisted on being around me, even though she didn't like me. The last time, I just clearly acted like he was my boyfriend and let her deal with the feelings. So long as she didn't cause a scene, I didn't care. And if she had, he would promptly have kicked her out of the house.

 

[GalaGirl]

I would go simplest solution -- cancel and don't host it at your house. See if someone else will pick up hosting it. There is still time to do that.

1) Then attend at that house to please Lillit, on the condition that if you feel suffocated you can step out for a while and come back to pick her up later. That way she gets " my 3 partners in one room" for a short while, and you get "not at my house" for compromise.

2) Or tell Lillit she is free to holiday as she pleases. You need to have a total time out to recover from being accosted not just a change in venue. You meet up with her on X date for your own private celebration. Disappointing maybe for her that she doesn't get her 3 people in a room this season, but there are other holiday seasons. This isn't the last one ever.

But def do not host. You can host some other year.

Anyone asks? Be up front. You don't want to host a shindig because Briseis laid hands on you recently in an argument. You don't want to be physically accosted again. You cannot leave easily if you host. A host being missing is obvious. If you do not host, you can leave discreetly for a breather without it being as obvious as a guest. Most people could understand that.

If they want to know what you were arguing about -- say so if you feel like it. Don't if you don't. "Briseis is mad I did not ask her permission to marry Lillit. That's all I want to say at this time. Thank you for your concern."

The fact is you don't need anyone's permission but Lillit's to marry her -- and that you already did because Lillit consented to marry you.

I get Briseis is disappointed that you did not ask for her blessing when you married Lillit. She could be generous and grant it now. Or she could not grant it. Either way, she could digest her disappointment and do her emotional management on her own so she can express her disappointment appropriately. Arguing, chasing people down who wish to leave, and physically accosting them is not appropriate.

Briseis' emotional management is her job. Not yours. You were correct to walk away to cool off. You were correct when accosted to move into self-defense mode. It's not graceful, but dude, she could have let you walk away and deescalate things!

If Briseis wanted to be in a relationship model where she has parental blessing with her relationship with Lillit -- she could try to arrange her current life to meet her need. Or she could have chosen a less challenging model where two siblings and two women are involved to varying degrees while not entirely "out."

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

i think going to a neutral location sounds like a good compromise.

 

[Iceley]

Seriously reading your post made me thing of Weird Al's song "Jerry Springer"

Lol.

so your partner is in a triad with your brother but you cant stand your brother's wife and you punched her in the face because she laid her hand obn you?

I wasn't planning on falling in love with Lillit. Until I did. My life isn't that interesting. I can't say I'm raising my niece-daughter or nephew-son. Never will be able to say that. Watching paint dry is more exciting than my life. It sounds like it pops on paper, huh? Noooo.

The fight isn't as bad as it sounds. There were no tables flipped or drinks being thrown in anybody's faces like on a reality show. When she grabbed me, it was a reflex to protect myself and to make her let go because she was hurting me. I'm not the next Laila Ali. I didn't care to talk to her. I managed to avoid her the whole night. She should've taken a hint and left me alone.

Briseis and I were friends and got along like sisters. We had the occasional argument. What fams don't? The marriage and Lillit's parents open acceptance of me was the turning point. Since she found out, she's just been really nasty towards me. I haven't done anything to her to deserve being treated this way. I was worried about what was going on in my world. Not outside of my day to day. She ain't part of my day to day.

well first of all your brother's wife doesnt own your girlfriend. your girlfriend chose to marry you and you dont need your metamore's permission.

You see it, too? Briseis thinks she owns the majestic unicorn. Said unicorn flipped the script and isn't abiding by the imaginary rules. She's made several remarks about how we were wrong for not including her in our elopement and wrong for this, that, and the third. It wasn't about her. Lillit doesn't want to get involved. She doesn't have to. She just needs to slap a muzzle on her.

Briseis wasn't like this when I was the other girlfriend or even the fiancee. Is it a mind thing? Did my wife status elevate me in her mind? I've been around for a few years. I haven't changed. I haven't made stupid demands or created a list of rules. I'm not exercising veto. I've never stopped Lillit from visiting there for weeks on end. The only difference is we're sharing a last name. We lived together before we got married. We don't have kids. We have dogs. I could understand her being irrational if she wasn't married herself or if I posed a threat.

I think if you guys cant be civil and mature enough not to yell at each other then you will just have to stay away from each other. sounds like you are in an awful situation, esp when they move back she is going to be in your face and even if things didnt work out between you and your wife, she's still going to be your sister in law.

It's not even about being mature. Homegirl has a problem with respecting boundaries and personal space. I didn't seek her out that night. I don't contact her. No reason for us to talk. She's across the Atlantic. I'm in Texas. Yeah, we have a shared sweetie. It ends there. Lillit discusses when she wants to visit them. I go over the dates with her. She turns around and discusses it with them. Dates are agreed on. End of my involvement. When she moves back, I can see it taking a turn for the worse. She ain't even in my face now and I'm tired.

You could be the bigger person 1 day a year and just have them over and try to avoid interaction as much as possible. because it sounds like the 3 of them are going to want to be together for the holiday and if you are the one holding back you are going to be the bad guy.

It's a crappy position to be in. I can't win for losing. If I tell her she isn't welcome, I risk my partner being resentful. If I tell her she's welcome, I won't feel comfortable in my own home. I might just have to take one for the team and be the bad guy. It's longer than a day. It's from Wednesday to Sunday.

I personally would be fine having my wife go off on the hoiday and be with them, but then again holidays dont matter to me at all so this wouldnt be any sort of sacrifice.

Holidays aren't a big deal most of the time. Since we skipped out on the big wedding, this will be the first chance where everybody can be in the same place. It has been billed as the two of us hosting. Not just me all by my lonesome, introducing myself to her out of country relatives, making them feel welcome, and Lillit making a guest appearance on certain days like she picked the days by playing a couple of rounds of eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Her people don't know me from Joe Blow up the street. They just know of me. They're not coming here for me. I'm sure they want to see her.

It's kinda late to 86 the plans because tickets have been purchased, hotels have been booked, and everything is set. I'd feel awful if our family and friends lost money behind this. I can't be a bad hostess. I gotta handle my end. If my partner chooses me or them over her fam that's flying in to see her, she's gotta live with that.

Thanks.

 

[Iceley]

Pretty much all this. Let her go off with them for the holidays. And if they have to be at your house, then let them and don't let your metamour control your interactions with your wife or anyone else. If she wants to be around you, while you're acting all lovey and kissing your wife, than let her.

I know her enough to not trust her far as I can throw her. I don't want her in my house. Period. She'd make a scene. She knows Lillit's parents and family don't know about their relationship. That's already a known issue. I don't think she'd be able to keep her mouth shut or sit by idly while any displays of affection towards me are being shown in front of Lillit's family. I don't want to be put in a position where I have to control how I interact with my partner to keep her from acting stupid or putting her hands on me again. She got away with it once. Try it again and I might mop the floor with her. I feel like it could trigger her knowing that I'm meeting Lillit's extended family as her wife and not just a friend when she's been with her four times as long as I have. That's going to be the start of something and she'll end up getting put out. Thereby causing a scene, too.

My metamour insisted on being around me, even though she didn't like me. The last time, I just clearly acted like he was my boyfriend and let her deal with the feelings. So long as she didn't cause a scene, I didn't care. And if she had, he would promptly have kicked her out of the house.

I don't trust her not to cause a scene. Lillit keeps saying we won't have anything to worry about. My name ain't Boo-Boo the Fool and mama ain't raise one. Nobody knows how they're gonna feel until they're in a situation. If Briseis made our wedding about her and her feelings, the odds are stacked in favor of her making another day about her, too.

Since she can't mind her tongue, I'm leaning towards her staying away to keep the peace. Metamour or not. I shouldn't have to open up my home and place of peace to someone who doesn't know the definition of respect. Why open the door and let hell on wheels roll in?

 

[Candiedlove]

I know her enough to not trust her far as I can throw her. I don't want her in my house. Period. She'd make a scene. She knows Lillit's parents and family don't know about their relationship. That's already a known issue. I don't think she'd be able to keep her mouth shut or sit by idly while any displays of affection towards me are being shown in front of Lillit's family. I don't want to be put in a position where I have to control how I interact with my partner to keep her from acting stupid or putting her hands on me again. She got away with it once. Try it again and I might mop the floor with her. I feel like it could trigger her knowing that I'm meeting Lillit's extended family as her wife and not just a friend when she's been with her four times as long as I have. That's going to be the start of something and she'll end up getting put out. Thereby causing a scene, too.



I don't trust her not to cause a scene. Lillit keeps saying we won't have anything to worry about. My name ain't Boo-Boo the Fool and mama ain't raise one. Nobody knows how they're gonna feel until they're in a situation. If Briseis made our wedding about her and her feelings, the odds are stacked in favor of her making another day about her, too.

Since she can't mind her tongue, I'm leaning towards her staying away to keep the peace. Metamour or not. I shouldn't have to open up my home and place of peace to someone who doesn't know the definition of respect. Why open the door and let hell on wheels roll in?

If your metamour is that bad, why is your wife still with her? It's one thing not to get along with a metamour but I would consider it very disrespectful of my partner to stay with a partner who hates me and is physically violent.

 

[Inyourendo]

If your metamour is that bad, why is your wife still with her? It's one thing not to get along with a metamour but I would consider it very disrespectful of my partner to stay with a partner who hates me and is physically violent.

yeah it really says a lot about a person who is it subjecting their lovde one that sort of treatment and disrespect

 

[GalaGirl]

It's kinda late to 86 the plans because tickets have been purchased, hotels have been booked, and everything is set. I'd feel awful if our family and friends lost money behind this. I can't be a bad hostess. I gotta handle my end. If my partner chooses me or them over her fam that's flying in to see her, she's gotta live with that.

Since she can't mind her tongue, I'm leaning towards her staying away to keep the peace. Metamour or not. I shouldn't have to open up my home and place of peace to someone who doesn't know the definition of respect. Why open the door and let hell on wheels roll in?

Sounds like you have made your decision then. Follow through on the hotel events, do the hosting and meet-the-relatives thing there. No Briseis at your house at smaller pre-events or follow-up events.

Your wife gets "3 of us in one room" at hotel venue, and you get "No wacky SIL in my house."

Galagirl

 

[Iceley]

If your metamour is that bad, why is your wife still with her? It's one thing not to get along with a metamour but I would consider it very disrespectful of my partner to stay with a partner who hates me and is physically violent.

Lillit was of the mind that time and talking it out were gonna make this better. Not so much. Lillit said she was was trying to give Briseis time to work out her issues, see the error in her ways, and apologize because she loves her and because they have history. Lillit has been more patient than I would've been. She's had nine months to get her act together and no change. Briseis won't seek counseling. She's coming to terms with the fact that Briseis isn't going to change or stop disrespecting me so she's gotta kick her to the curb. Paraphrasing and put my on spin on it but that's what I got out of it. She's said it until she was turning colors that when she disrespects me, she's disrespecting her. It's not sinking in to Briseis's thick head. She's stood up for me time and time again. I don't want her to fight my battles. It always goes the same way. Briseis promises to change and do better but her promises are always empty. She'll cut the crap for a day or two then it's time to lather, rinse, and repeat. After a conversation this morning, their relationship is coming to an end. Lillit said she's tired and can't do it anymore.

If I thought there was a chance of working out the situation with Briseis was something that could be accomplished, I'd be skeptical but try to spare Lillit heartbreak. I've retraced my steps countless times and tried to figure out what I could've done differently to arrive at a different resolution. I just don't think a third party could suggest a compromise that would involve Lillit being able to maintain a marriage with me and a relationship with Briseis. In my book, there's no coming back from physical altercations. I can forgive but I also know to stay the hell away from somebody like that. I don't believe Lillit can stay with both of us long-term. Even if they weren't at odds and were stable or could work out their issues, Briseis could apologize until she's blue in the face and I still wouldn't want anything to do with her, wouldn't want any of my future kids around her, and wouldn't want her in my house. We'd still be at the same impasse. Lillit could compartmentalize all she wants but avoiding intersection of any aspects of her life with me and the life with her would be hard. I can stomach this now because I don't have to deal with her unless she comes here.