Could use some sorting help please

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Emmy37

New member
I'm hoping this will make sense. If it doesn't I'm happy to clarify so please ask before making assumptions. There are some things going on within the dynamics of my triad that I'm bothered by but having a hard time figuring out my place in them and whether to react or let it continue to play out and just observe from the side lines.

When Bud and I got together 14 years ago we were both young. He was 18, I was almost 24. We both came from pretty toxic backgrounds and had some pretty bad habits as well as bad communication skills. It took several years with lots of stumbling along the way to unlearn those things and get to a healthy place within our relationship.

Fast forward to present day and I'm seeing some of those old habits coming out in the way he interacts with Sweet Lady. When her and I first started talking about whether or not we wanted to even try a poly relationship I told her how sweet he was, all these nice things he does etc etc etc because at the time that's how he had been for many years.

I didn't tell her then what my early years with him had been like. It didn't seem relevant at the time since it had been so long ago. Now as I watch the two of them interact it's as if all the work he did years ago never happened. Sweet Lady is exactly where I was 14 years ago. But there is no good reason she should even have to be there. He un-learned all this crap a long time ago. He knows better but seems to have lost his mind somewhere along the way.

I'm feeling extremely guilty right now and not sure where to go with it or how to handle it.
 
I would stay out of it and let them handle their part of the relationship. they're going to have a way different dynamics and what you and him have. if she's not willing to put up with certain things I'm sure she'll address that with him and if you find that he's slipping back into old habits with you then address that with him but as far as what he does with her I would just but out
 
I am sorry you struggle. What are you guilty for? What did you do? I'm not sure that is the right emotional word. Are you feeling bad that you sold her on Bud with "false advertising" or something? :confused:

Could remember she chose to continue to date him after the first date -- so let her own that. You don't own her willingness to participate. She does.

At any rate -- you could tell Bud you noticed some things but didn't know if he wanted you to bring it up or not since you don't have a guideline in place for that. Could clarify guideline first. Then go into it.

  • If he does want to know? Tell Bud that you notice X behaviors coming back from long ago.
  • If he doesn't? Don't tell him.

Either way? You now have your guideline. You guys are going to be figuring out a lot of boundaries as you go.

On the personal level -- Maybe this is just how he is when in NRE and this time you observe it from the outside and it triggers your old feelings?

Galagirl
 
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Inyourendo said:
I would stay out of it and let them handle their part of the relationship. they're going to have a way different dynamics and what you and him have. if she's not willing to put up with certain things I'm sure she'll address that with him and if you find that he's slipping back into old habits with you then address that with him but as far as what he does with her I would just but out
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If I do nothing then really I'm no better than he is and I'm enabling the bad behavior. I'm letting one person I care about treat another one I care about badly and pretending it's ok. :(
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle. What are you guilty for? What did you do? I'm not sure that is the right emotional word. Are you feeling bad that you sold her on Bud with "false advertising" or something? :confused:

Could remember she chose to continue to date him after the first date -- so let her own that. You don't own her willingness to participate. She does.

At any rate -- you could tell Bud you noticed some things but didn't know if he wanted you to bring it up or not since you don't have a guideline in place for that. Could clarify guideline first. Then go into it.

  • If he does want to know? Tell Bud that you notice X behaviors coming back from long ago.
  • If he doesn't? Don't tell him.

Either way? You now have your guideline. You guys are going to be figuring out a lot of boundaries as you go.

On the personal level -- Maybe this is just how he is when in NRE and this time you observe it from the outside and it triggers your old feelings?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

As her and I were laying in bed last night, just the two of us, she made a comment "Yup he's a real sweetheart." That flipped the switch in my brain that has me feeling bad today because it made me remember that I did indeed tell her that all those months ago. This was after Bud had said some things to her yesterday that were not exactly sweet & snuggly when her ex came to visit the kids they have together.

The second one could very well be true. If so where do I go with that?
 
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If I do nothing then really I'm no better than he is and I'm enabling the bad behavior. I'm letting one person I care about treat another one I care about badly and pretending it's ok.
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Well... you do not "let." You observe or experience something. Then you get to choose how you respond or not.

They control their behaviors. You can only control yours. It isn't like you "let" either of them do anything like you give them permission to do this or that. They are adults.

I think you might mean "I do not like observing one person I care about treat another one I care about badly and not say anything while pretending it is all ok with me. It is not ok with me."

Couched that way, you CAN do something. Many things.

You could ask Bud to please not to treat her that way in your presence. And if he continues in your presence? You could ask him if he's aware he just did that, could ask if he's willing to apologize, could leave the room. You have options. Could pick something.

You could make Sweet Lady aware you have asked this. Both of them. That way neither one is surprised. They know what to expect.

How they resolve the behavior between them is up to them -- maybe she doesn't care he does it. But whatever -- you could deal with your preferences and limits of tolerance.

If observing this is triggering you because in the past you let it ride and did not speak up right away last time? Could do different now. Speak up sooner. State your boundaries, have a consequence you can do. Boundaries are for you -- behaviors YOU can do.

Galagirl
 
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Emmy37 said:
If I do nothing then really I'm no better than he is and I'm enabling the bad behavior. I'm letting one person I care about treat another one I care about badly and pretending it's ok. :(
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But how he treats his girlfriends has nothing to do with you. It's between them. You aren't responsible for his bad behavior. If she confronts you then certainly apologize that you were unaware that he would act that way if you feel inclined to do so. She will let bud know what she's willing to deal with
 
I guess I don't understand why you don't just say to him, 'Hey, I'm seeing you behave similarly to when we got together. Here is example such and such. I'm worried for you and Sweet Lady. I want y'all to succeed and be happy. I am really concerned.'

Generally, yes it is accurate that their relationship is their relationship and you are not responsible for its maintenance. However, it sounds like your husband has gone back to old patterns maybe because he is experiencing a new relationship for the first time in a long while. He may be totally unconscious of that fact and might actually appreciate a heads up.

Generally, I would not bring it up to Sweet Lady unless she explicitly asks about his behavior with her. The exception I would make to this is you see things going badly, badly wrong - like abusive wrong - and you cannot get through to your husband that something serious is happening.
 
I can only speculate on what I'd do in a similar situation, but if I saw Chops relating in an unhealthy way with Xena, I'd probably ask him if everything was ok, since I was noticing that he was <pick behavior x>.

Up to him if he wants to discuss it, and at what detail, but at least it's out there that I've noticed and think something's not quite right (hence the "are you ok").

If he didn't want to discuss it, I'd drop it, unless things really started to escalate (and then I supposed I'd just repeat the above steps, unless it started to impact *our* relationship). Asking isn't intruding IMO. I'd ask a friend the same thing.
 
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