A free agent in an informal V - Needs some thoughts

Iamlissa I really hope you inform us as to how this ends up because I am very curious. I have my own feelings of what you will do but will not state them here. I think the reason you listed yourself as single was a basic female human instinct. You selfishly wanted the most options for yourself because you were only thinking of yourself and knew married but looking would chase away a large number of potentials. Women are naturally selfish and manipulative to get what they want, especially in matters of physical things but also in emotional ones. I am not stating this as a slam to women and actually I do not fault women for this. It is merely psychological in nature. Throughout history men have been capable of taking what they want but women have always needed to manipulate men to get the things they need from men. I hope that doesn't sound harsh as it is not meant to be. I am sure some may take it that way but as a deep thinking man I actually enjoy women a lot and enjoy how they use psychology to get what they need. I think it is cute;). That being said women need to override this basic instinctive feeling and be honest in the long run otherwise they only hurt themselves. Yes you have waited to long to be upfront but imagine how much worse it will be after another 6 months. Only you know this man you are with so only you can have a decent idea of how he will respond when you tell him. Do you think he is thinking marriage with you? You must have some idea. If you think so you better tell him today and apologize like crazy. You may also be surprised that he doesn't mind you already being married if he is not concerned about marriage. Either way it sounds as if you have deep feelings for him and you haven't talked about whether or not your current marriage is forever or if it is in jeopardy.
 
Thank you JaneQSmythe, Eponine, Nadya, LoveBunny, and Jimmyfun for your additional inputs.

Nadya and LoveBunny, you are absolutely correct. Obscuring my face pics should have been the first thing I did (Canadian cities, except for Toronto and Vancouver, have very thin population compared to those in the US. You see the same people in the malls or in bars). It's too late for that now but can still be useful in the future or for other people in similar situation.

Jimmyfun, surely I'll keep you informed but

Women are naturally selfish and manipulative to get what they want, especially in matters of physical things but also in emotional ones...
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sounds like a generalization to me. If I'm at fault, then I'm the bad apple. Not all women in a dating site or polyamory as a whole.

I also chatted and met people who directly admitted over coffee that marriage is their desired outcome for joining the site. I made it clear that I'm not ready for that and made it the last meeting so as not to waste their time. But some guys are harder to break and would not express what they wanted out of the relationship. That's one of the reasons I got into this problem (yes, and because I was "dishonest". I'm not forgetting that). But "manipulative" is a strong word that describes a person who does that all the time in all situations. This will sound self-serving but I definitely disagree.
 
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Iamlissa as I said I was not trying to be critical although your response is of course expected. Nobody would claim to be manipulative because in general it is thought to be an immoral thing by society. If society firmly believed that watching tv was morally wrong everyone would claim they never did it after a full evening of channel flipping. I did say that I do not hold manipulation against women because it is natural and therefore there is no need to defend yourself. I wasn't stating as an opinion though because it is a very solid scientific fact. All women naturally use some form of NATURAL manipulation because it is a necessity for them and this is not a generalization unless you consider plants needing sunlight a generalization. However none of that is your problem. The problem is simple. When meeting this man you not only could have told him up front you were married you could have also told him you couldn't see him again unless he made it clear what he wanted. Using the excuse that he was shifty on what he wanted so you continued dating is pretty lame you must admit. First you said you didn't tell anyone you were married and now you are in deep with a guy. Everyone here said you made a selfish mistake and now you say you asked everyone you met what they wanted to make sure they didn't want something serious but some didn't make it clear so you kind of gave that up and just dated a guy that wouldn't say. Is it not clear here that you are justifying your actions no matter what those actions are? Again the problem is you were focused on what YOU wanted regardless of what others may have wanted. You held back that you were married so YOU could have access to all possibilities regardless of whether others may have wanted your situation. This is not a case of an accident or a misunderstanding or any other self justifying cause. It is a case of you acting selfishly and now the payback for that is sitting at your doorstep. We all know how this is going to turn out. You might as well get it over with and when you look for the next guy be up front. Haven't you heard? Honesty is the best policy lol?
 
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Jimmyfun, I own my mistake and will face its consequence.

What bothers me is the notion that a "deep thinking man" sees the world in absolutes. No colours in between, either one is black or white only. Your comparison of humans to plants is an example. Each woman is completely different which cannot be compared in anyway to beings of simpler sentiency like plants. If it is about a purely biological function, like photosynthesis or respiration, I would agree but women's congnitive nature is beyond your behaviorist school of thought (purporting to be based on "solid scientific fact"). These are nothing but reductionist assumptions that oversimply life in a "one size fits all" fashion. This is also the kind of thinking that makes mainstream people label non-monogamous relationship models as immoral and even "sinful".

There is a big difference between a dishonest action and a dishonest person. The first may have been done as a one time mistake and the latter does it in all aspects of her life and the standard modus for dealing with people.

so YOU could have access to all possibilities regardless of whether others may have wanted your situation
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This is not true at all. Of course you will think this is another justification, but in spite of the inaccurate relationship status of my profile, I tried to mitigate its impact on other people by dissuading those whose primary intention is to find a potential marriage partner from the site.
 
Actually the world and especially us humans being one big grey area is simply perception. It is how we want to see it because of our emotional desire to be different. However we are all the same. We all have the same basic needs for survival and we all feel the same basic emotions. Just because there are different circumstances that evoke those emotions does not mean we are different. Every human feels anger happiness love humility worry etc etc. The human mind is a biological computer and just like man made computers there will be different bits of information that are put in but the hard drive and operating system are all the same. The only difference between you and another person will be based on what you have each experienced. Those different experiences will create your different perceptions however the starting point of your mind was the same. The world which includes us humans as well as everything else on the planet is absolutely made of absolutes. You can only get water with two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. Everything in the universe runs on hard scientific properties that are unchangable. You can't get corn from tomato seeds. Humans want a grey area because they don't know how to deal with there emotions and need a fall back system. That fall back system is they will tell others they have the right to be different because they have a biased agenda to attend to. :)
 
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iamlissa, I reread this thread, and what stands out to me is, you said your boyfriend always changes the subject when you touch on personal matters, almost as if he has something to hide himself. Wouldn't it be funny if he was married too?

If he is married and cheating, and you are married but not telling you are married, even though you have your husband's blessing on all this, bf's head might NOT explode after all, when you reveal your marital status. So, that's good.

When you confess, will you insist he confess too? Maybe he is single, or poly and afraid to admit it like you, or married or in a serious LTR and cheating! I am so curious now to find out!

If he is partnered and cheating, but still wants to date you, what then will you do?
 
Magdlyn, this is exactly what I was thinking, too. Maybe he has something to hide as well. I'd also be curious to find out what it is...
 
The OP stated that she has "unrestricted access" to his apartment, so she knows he is single. My thought was that maybe he just enjoys casual, easygoing relationships that don't get all bogged down in personal discussions and "processing" issues. Many single guys do not hope for a marriage-like partnership or enjoy analyzing the shit out of everything.
 
nycindie said:
The OP stated that she has "unrestricted access" to his apartment, so she knows he is single. My thought was that maybe he just enjoys casual, easygoing relationships that don't get all bogged down in personal discussions and "processing" issues. Many single guys do not hope for a marriage-like partnership or enjoy analyzing the shit out of everything.
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That is true, Cindie. And many women (you) are the same?

OTOH, the OP has said she has "feelings" for him and "wants him to stay for good."

So, other than telling him she is married, that might be the next big problem. For her guy it's just sex (maybe). No emotional intimacy (maybe, unless he is following her lead of fending off emotions and he really loves her too!). For her there is now (love?) "feelings" and wanting a permanent connection and commitment.

Openness is always best. We can get all wrought up in our heads speculating and torturing ourselves when an hour of questions and answers can clear things up so well.

I guess there is a chance if she declares her "feelings" about him, as well as her marital status, she could scare him off. OTOH, lesson learned. She got into this just for the sex, but as experienced polys know, love has a way of following kissing and sex and cozy post coital cuddles. And then what does one do?
 
The impression I get, and I may be way off, is that he's not comfortable opening up to her because she isn't opening up to him. She's keeping a pretty big secret from him and even if he doesn't know exactly what it is I'm just about positive that he knows that something is off. What's th point of having deep, intimate conversations when the other person isn't capable of doing the same?
 
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