Hey, ya'll, watch this! From Mid TN

D

Darknyss

New member
I'm a 27 yr old guy, apparently single (not by choice, mind) and normally not someone who makes posts on any online forum. I'm more of a lurker type. Lately though, especially since my wife Colette made the decision to leave, I've been flailing about in the dark for some time trying to find my way. So here's my story. Maybe you guys can make sense of it, offer advice, or whatever.

I got together with Colette when I was 13. It was Romeo and Juliet, running from the cops, all kinds of fun. We ran away together twice. I always had yearnings for being with more than one person, which at the time manifested itself as "I want two chicks at the same time, that's what I'd do if I had a million bucks, yup." When we finally got married, we became swingers for a long period of time, but every time I'd suggest an outing, she would get mad, or if we got together with someone, I could sense resentment afterward, sometimes expressed, sometimes not.

We've had several break-up-get-back-together type things in the last year or so. The first one where I could tell she was serious, I made an error in promising that I'd never attempt to be with, have sex with, or even look at another chick, if that's what it took to make her happy. I failed, as you can imagine, as shortly afterward I discovered the polyamorous lifestyle through xeromag's site, and began to understand some of the feelings I'd had over the years and why swinging never seemed to be enough or fufilling.

I should mention here that we did have one thing where we were attempting to have a triad relationship with our neighbor at one time, before we even knew what polyamory was. It fell through, and Colette said "Never again.". Anyway, I brought this lifestyle up to her, with the additional thought that it would afford her an opportunity to be with the man, Axel, who she was going to likely be with as soon as she left me, if she had. She obviously had feelings for him, so she read some of the things on different sites about how to conduct such a relationship, and eventually agreed, with the mention that she would try it, but she had a feeling that things would turn out badly.

She got with Axel. I tried with several different relationships, which came and went.

Around Christmas of last year, Axel broke up with her, claiming issues relating to not getting enough time with her/wanting to be monogamous with her. She's essentially a monogamous person as well. This was just an opportune time for her to explore her relationship with him. After he broke things off with her, she started mentioning more and more that she wanted to stop the whole poly thing and for it to just be me and her again. I blew her off many, many times, telling her I was poly, and this is what I wanted and she agreed to, and if she was feeling lonely, that I would do anything I could to help, up to and including making her an OKC profile and attempting to find her a suitable match, which I did.

A few weeks ago, she gets a text message from Axel. They text back and forth for a while, and she decides to go to his house, supposedly as friends. I'm fine with this, even if they do get back together. She comes home and admits they had sex, which also was fine, as I hoped if they got back together, it would help with her feelings of being left out when I was on a date/spending the night with someone else. About 3 days or so later, we fight, and she decides she's had enough and is moving in with Axel as "roommates". I'm sure that will last, given her last visit as "friends". That's neither here nor there, though. I do kinda feel awful though, like I've been passed over just because he fulfills some needs that I don't, the main one being that he's monogamous.

Then, of course, it seems that all else I had going for me falls down like a house of cards at the same time. The partners I had "needed some space" or "no longer wanted to be together." I can't seem to find very many poly-friendly people in TN that are compatible with me anyway, so this seems to be all coming together to say that I'm gonna get to spend my life alone, and it just sucks.

I'm sorry. I know this is really long-winded of me for a first post, especially given that I kinda talk too much when I get going, anyway. If you read this far, congrats, and thanks for taking the time. I've read a lot on this board, and it seems to be filled with intelligent, accepting people. Nice to meet you all. :D
 
"I want two chicks at the same time, that's what I'd do if I had a million bucks, yup."

Office space reference. Excellent :)...Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing.
 
Welcome.


If you don't mind my asking?
How old are you?

It's not that it necessarily matters, just sounds like you are younger than I am.

Anyway-my biggest thought in reading your post was this:

Just because there seems to be a theme RIGHT NOW in your life; that doesn't mean it's "forever"....

Sort of a dramatic way of looking at it.....

Maybe a bit over-emotional right now?
 
Im tired right now and want to reread your post. But I feel that I may be able to give you some advice to start off with.

1) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you have had that many relationships start up then there is obviously some great points about you. Besides, would you want to be with someone that is stuck on feeling shitty about themselves? Of course not! So turn on the positive attitude and the charm and be someone that others want to be around.

2) Be true to yourself (something a good friend on here told me when I first joined). You have to do that first.

Hang in there! I know its shitty right now, but you will get past this.

BTW, welcome to the boards

Peace and love,
Maca
 
LR, you're right lol. I'm always Mr. Overdramatic, "sky is falling", all that bit. This might be a little worse than my typical disasters though, given that the only person I've ever really been close to for the past 11 years is taking off to be with someone else. I wouldn't be quite as discouraged, but I know at least on OKC that the fishing pond is pretty small down here, and I'm quickly running thin on options :p When I started this reply, it was sunshine and rainbows. Turned cloudy in six lines, must be a new record lol.

Oh, and like RP said, I'm 27-- 28 in October.

Maca, thanks for the advice. I'm currently flip-flopping between wanting to be proud, stand up, and say "I'm poly!" for all the world to know, and crawling back with my tail between my legs and begging my wife to take me back if I try to be mono with her. I'll get it figured out eventually. Right now, it's a non issue, as T (my wife) said she won't even think about it for a year, and more probably it'll be five years or so before we might have another chance, if she hasn't found happiness elsewhere.

RP, yeah, lol, I knew it. I was just astonished that anyone read and replied.
 
redpepper said:
He said he is 27 in the first line. :)
Click to expand...

I know. Maca pointed it out after I logged out. I rolled my eyes at my idiocy on that one. :rolleyes:

I claim Sudafed was the cause of my obviously not-so-bright intelligence last night! :eek:

Anyway, it's funny because I was thinking, "That sounds like my mind about 10 years ago." Well golly gee, it was! :p
 
Well, my dear, with a year or five on your hands, it sounds like the perfect time to get started on improving yourself! Seriously, no cattiness at all. The one thing we are terrible about neglecting is self-improvement, especially when we are in a relationship. Take a chance on yourself!

And to quote Ygirl on Kat's thread, if you change who you are for someone else, and not because it's what you really want/need for yourself, it never works out well. You have to be true to yourself before you can be true to anyone else.
 
Keep reading and writing on this board. There are a lot of people here that have gone through some serious shit and came out the other side smelling like roses.

Introspection. Give it a try. Best thing I have ever learned.
 
I'll offer that any relationship that is on-and-off frequently, which is how I understand your relationship with your ex was, is unstable. The on-and-off serves as a warning that you should walk away at the very next "off" and never look back. Stable relationships, in my experience, aren't anywhere near that volatile.

Yeah, it sucks that some relationships will never work due to one person having a poly bent and the other having a strong mono preference. That's just one of the many things in life that won't work in the fashion we'd like them to work. I've a list of ladies I've accumulated over the years that I would have loved to have gotten seriously involved with, and didn't, because I could tell there were some basic incompatibilities. They've made for wonderful friends, though.

You now have the chance to sort out exactly who you are and what you want and build the sort of life you want. Once you get involved in doing that, you'll be able to find new people who will fit in your life, as long as you're the sort of person with whom others can fit in with.

That last might be the key. From what you described, you're currently not the sort of person others can fit in with easily. You describe a lack of relationship skills-- blowing off what your partner tries to communicate, that sort of thing, may be the cause of all your relationships falling apart at once. Sorting through that is going to take time, of which you now have an abundance, and a critical eye aimed at your behavior.

Welcome to the boards.
 
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