I'm Worried My Girlfriend and I come Across as Unicorn Hunters?

S

Seekingadvice

New member
I've been poly for 2 years, she's been poly curious for about a year, we met last summer and have been pretty much monogamous since - lots of talking about stuff and discussing what we would be comfortable with. I looked at the possibility of getting back with an ex though and that particular ex caused so much drama that within 2 weeks I cut her off - as such this is the only experience my girlfriend has had of polyamory and it was NOT positive.

Me

I've been in interconnected Vs before. My girlfriends have had other partners (male and female) and I've had multiple relationships at once.

I am comfortable with my girlfriend(s) developing relationships with others, she is free to choose whomever she wants and I want her to live as deep and fulfilling a life as she can. I feel honoured to be part of it.

Personally I am straight and so wouldn't want to do something 1 on 1 with another man. I find things like double penetration fun in theory but the amorous part would never be there...

I would be open to any of the following scenarios involving me; me playing with other women, me having relationships with other women, me playing with other couples, us playing with other women (assuming attraction was all mutual), us playing with other couples (again...), us having relationships with other women (again...), I am a pretty experienced dom and enjoy teaching so if another couple/girl/guy wanted to learn I would enjoy that also. Essentially there are lots of options which I could be interested in.

My girlfriend

Has only really come out as bi recently and only really to me (she told me from the start) and a couple of very close friends who pretty much already knew anyway :p She was originally attracted to the idea of polyamory so that she could be with both men and women.

She's nervous, very nervous... the idea of being with a woman excites her but she's terrified she might not be good enough. The prospect of me being there for her is very comforting, but I'm also trying to build her confidence so that she could be happy and enjoy herself however with or without me there.

She keeps reassuring me that I can be with whoever I want. She knows I was poly when we got together and knows it's a part of who I am so she's fine with it, she also says she wouldn't want to get involved unless it felt right for everyone.

Finally she also says that she doesn't want another dom/domme or another man, but we've talked through fantasies where we could play with other tops - just without that D/s mentality. I've reassured her and told her over and over that she can choose whoever she wants, but what she wants seems to mean a kind of self inflicted OPP and I don't really want to push her into getting a partner she doesn't want.

So ok, the ideal Way Forward seems to be a bi female right? :cool: makes me sound like such a pimp (if you substitute the word pimp for arsehole)

We met a couple for the first time this weekend and both tried to go into it with an open mind. They were a cuck couple so she was looking to date but he wasn't, they were also new to the idea that her boyfriends might be able to become more than just fuckbuddies. She was attractive, albeit not the normal type of girl I would go for, but definitely attractive in her own right... however they both smoked. I wouldn't want a relationship with a smoker and that's pretty much a red line for me.

I'd be ok with friendship, maybe play, maybe teaching them stuff... but one on one play with her would be kinda boring in my mind. Why would I have good sex with her, when I can have the best sex I've ever had just 1 mile away and have it mean something waaaaay more than that?

So that only really leaves group options and conversation kinda went that way. There I was asking how they identified and I found out he was flexible and her less so, unless "totally wasted"... a prospect which kinda just underlined her attitude towards her own consent and was a final red flag too many for us. I think we'll be friends, I'm happy to teach them rope work and stuff too but I doubt more will happen.

It got me thinking though, do we come off like Unicorn Hunters? How do we avoid coming off as unicorn hunters?
 
Seekingadvice said:
So ok, the ideal Way Forward seems to be a bi female right? :cool: makes me sound like such a pimp (if you substitute the word pimp for arsehole)
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Given the rest of your post (excluding this sentence) I don't know why anyone would confuse you for unicorn hunters. You make no mention (other than this sentence) of getting a hot-bi-babe to hook up with both of you.

Keeping that in mind... what makes you think a bi-female is "right"? What does that even mean? You guys planning on sharing her? If you are then that IS unicorn hunting, make no mistake.

Instead of trying to do this tit-for-tat balancing act that you seem to be concerned with, I suggest just dating who you want to date, keep the lines of communication open, and backing her play should she choose to make one. Right now it sounds like you are trying to be a nice guy about it but you are way up in her business and are looking at this as a team venture.

It's either a team venture, you're looking for a bi-babe to share, and you are unicorn hunters... or not. So answer your own question, are you unicorn hunting?
 
Marcus said:
Given the rest of your post (excluding this sentence) I don't know why anyone would confuse you for unicorn hunters. You make no mention (other than this sentence) of getting a hot-bi-babe to hook up with both of you.

Keeping that in mind... what makes you think a bi-female is "right"? What does that even mean? You guys planning on sharing her? If you are then that IS unicorn hunting, make no mistake.

Instead of trying to do this tit-for-tat balancing act that you seem to be concerned with, I suggest just dating who you want to date, keep the lines of communication open, and backing her play should she choose to make one. Right now it sounds like you are trying to be a nice guy about it but you are way up in her business and are looking at this as a team venture.

It's either a team venture, you're looking for a bi-babe to share, and you are unicorn hunters... or not. So answer your own question, are you unicorn hunting?
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Do they have sarcasm in Texas? I thought it was obvious I don't *actually* think that a hot bi babe is the only possible option for us. It is however 1 of many options that could work for us and I just worry that it could look to others like that's the only possible thing that we're looking for?
 
Inyourendo said:
sarcasm often doesn't come through over the text format but you're snark certainly did
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You're right - I'm sorry

I guess I just thought that putting the shades in, calling myself an arsehole as a side comment and putting "such" in unnecessarily would have made it apparent... but you are certainly right that things like tone don't come across well in text.

Either way, I apologise for the snarkiness
 
Seekingadvice said:
It is however 1 of many options that could work for us and I just worry that it could look to others like that's the only possible thing that we're looking for?
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I'll bite, who is this "others" you are so clearly freaking out with concern about? Why don't you ask them?
 
My partner and I are totally unicorn hunters....we just want lots of unicorns, not just one :) So far, we've found two :)

There's nothing wrong with seeking bisexual women to join your group. Just know that A) It is difficult to find that right match, B) Don't expect her to develop equal relationships with both of you, certainly not at the same rate, and C) Don't give a fuck if others judge you, so long as you treat ALL your dating partners with respect and allow all relationships to develop organically.
 
Marcus said:
I'll bite, who is this "others" you are so clearly freaking out with concern about? Why don't you ask them?
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Nobody specific. I just think that I may well think that if I were reading a similar profile. People can be quite judgmental. Since we do think this is one possible form of non monogamy that could suit us - I worry that outwardly it looks like the only form of non monogamy that could suit us (which is when I would call someone a unicorn hunter)
 
Seekingadvice said:
I worry that outwardly it looks like.......
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One of the very best days of my life contained the moment I decided to start relieving myself of concern over how I appeared to others. Life just gets better and better and better as this gradually but steadily falls away from my thoughts. Highly recommended!
 
Hi Seekingadvice,

Keep in mind that it takes a lot to qualify as a unicorn hunter. You have to be a male-female straight-bi (respectively) couple seeking a hot bi babe to "complete" you, the HBB has to be equally in love with both of you, she can't have any other boyfriends or girlfriends on the side, she has to be your dirty little secret (no introducing her to your family and she has to stay home on holidays when you two go and visit family), she can't have kids but if you have kids she has to babysit them, she has to do the housework, she is strictly a secondary partner, etc. etc. etc. in other words exerting all kinds of couple privilege on her. Long story short, they call them "unicorns" because, like literal unicorns, they are mythical and don't exist. No HBB would put up with that much nonsense. Not unless there was something seriously wrong with her mental/emotional state.

What I see in your description is a male-female straight-bi couple that is open to a number of things including sharing a dual romance with another bisexual woman. You say nothing about how "hot" she has to be, whether she can have kids and/or a boyfriend or girlfriend or two of her own, and you seem to be determined to treat her with equal respect and help her meet her needs as she helps you meet yours. That's not unicorn hunting. It's a fair proposal and women exist who would agree to it. Therefore by definition they cannot be called unicorns, and you cannot be said to be hunting them as such.

So if someone makes a snap judgment they might say, "Aha! Unicorn hunters!" but if they take any time at all to examine your terms and situation in detail, they'll soon realize that the pejorative doesn't fit. As for those who cling to their snap judgment (and throw said judgment in your face), well ... consider the source. Anyone who isn't prone to thoughtfully examine a situation before passing judgment, doesn't have opinions that are worth a lot. Don't you agree?

In short, you and your girlfriend do *not* come across as unicorn hunters to anyone whose opinions matter. How's that?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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