I guess 4 years was not too bad

N

northhome

New member
So, after four years of hard work it fell apart. Turns out M is not stable and has a history of depression / borderline / god knows what. Since I'm not used to dealing with such things we simply didn't understand what was happening until she completely fell apart.

So she's on medication, has moved out, and we want no contact with her. No more shouting, screaming, drama, all-night sessions of trying to support her etc.

Sigh. Still love her though. It's just that I can't help.

I'm left with a horrible feeling that only someone who is slightly mad would want to try to have a poly relationship with me though. Oh well.

Tip: Ask questions if you see odd behaviour. Early. Like "has this ever happened to you before?"
 
I'm left with a horrible feeling that only someone who is slightly mad would want to try to have a poly relationship with me though
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I've also struggled with this thought. The woman I opened out my marriage to be with turned out to have a personality disorder. Then, the last woman I made it past a meet-and-greet with, on our fourth date told me she meant to steal her ex-boyfriend's sperm and trick him into getting her pregnant.

I've had slightly better luck with men, though one turned out to be using me to cheat on a long-distance girlfriend, and my most recent love interest keeps ghosting on me every time things are getting good...

I think there's a lot of crazies and unreliable people in the single, monogamous dating pool, too. I have no advice for you, only commiseration :)
 
Wow, the judgement of people with mental illness is disgusting here.

It's one thing to admit that you don't know how to help someone and admit that you can't handle being with someone who has a mental illness. That's fine, we all have things we can't deal with. But calling them mad, crazies, etc isn't cool. Not everyone with a mental illness is unreliable, scary, unstable, etc.

I personally have major depression. My partners both have bipolar disorder. I just ended my long term relationship with the only partner that didn't have a mental illness, because he was the most unreliable and mentally draining person in my life. So mental illness does not automatically make someone a bad partner, just like people who are mentally healthy don't automatically make good partners.
 
I have quite a history as far as mental illness is concerned (For the curious, you can read about it in detail in my blog thread). The current diagnosis is Asperger syndrome (mild autism spectrum disorder), but I've had nasty diagnoses in the past (e.g. schizoaffective disorder and the dreaded borderline personality disorder). The moral of the story (for me at least) is that people with mental illnesses aren't hopeless cases for polyamory. Though I think such people's loved ones need to have a lot of knowledge and patience.

But I am not offended by anything in this thread. I didn't hear northhome gloat over his recent breakup, he seemed more to be questioning himself and asking what his own failings were. I felt bad for northhome.
 
Maygen said:
Wow, the judgement of people with mental illness is disgusting here.
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Sigh. No judgement from my side.

Just acknowledging a terrible feeling of helplessness, together with a realisation that there were warning signs I chose to ignore. Love does NOT conquer everything :(
 
Maygen said:
Wow, the judgement of people with mental illness is disgusting here.
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Only one person used the words you're accusing everyone of using. I know it's not great that even one person feels that way, but in any public forum you're going to run into opinions that bother you. I don't think you need t to judge everyone so incredibly harshly because of one person's words.
 
northhome said:
Sigh. No judgement from my side.

Just acknowledging a terrible feeling of helplessness, together with a realisation that there were warning signs I chose to ignore. Love does NOT conquer everything :(
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This is so much more the prevailing sentiment in my experience of people these days. I encounter very little judgement against mental illness (and I see none in this thread.) Rather, most people seem to think now that flooding others with good intentions and love will turn their worlds around for the better. Certainly, compassion and love go a very long way, but those of us who have lived with loved ones with significant mental illness know how very slippery it can be. We are reminded again and again that love indeed cannot always change another person's reality and we ultimately have to let them go, whether we have known them for hours or for years. Mental illness is an enormous challenge for those who experience it and for those who love them, which is the predominant perception of most in our society now. I would not be so quick to assign malice where none is intended.
 
Apologies, then, for use of the word "crazy."

I was referring to people exhibiting crazy people (namely, the people I've dated.) Didn't mean it to encompass everyone with mental illness.

I've been medicated for depression several times in my life, so I'm not unsympathetic.
 
Exhibiting crazy BEHAVIOR, I mean. The site won't let me correct, keeps logging me out.
 
I'm sorry, northhome. It's really hard to love someone and not be able to help. And it sounds like perhaps she hid her mental state from you for awhile, which makes an intimate, loving relationship feel like it's built on unstable ground.

I believe that most people I've dated (and the majority of my friends) have had some form of mental illness. The only successful relationships have been with the people who have acknowledged it and taken steps to stay as healthy as possible. It's the people who think they're fine or are completely in denial that worry me.

My most recent ex, who I was with for well over a decade, thought that psychology was a crock of shit and only weak people saw therapists. He was very judgmental of my social anxiety disorder and depression. He thought that the fact that sometimes I was okay meant that I could always be okay, and that I was play-acting when I turned into a basket case at social gatherings.

My boyfriend has depression and generalized anxiety, and he is very open about it. If he is feeling like he can't cope with being around people, he lets me know, and I give him space but also let him know I'm around if he needs me. And I am totally fine with just holding him while we listen to music if he wants me there but that's all he can handle, activity-wise.
 
thirteenth said:
And it sounds like perhaps she hid her mental state from you for awhile, which makes an intimate, loving relationship feel like it's built on unstable ground.
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That is exactly what happened. I thought I knew what everything was based on. Clear agreements, boundaries, understandings, the works. Then the goal-posts started to be moved, daily, for no apparent reason. I was simply baffled.

Finally nothing was left but massive drama and I had to simply say, "enough is enough". Never thought I would be in such a position and it certainly was not what I had envisaged.

So no, it's not enough to simply shower someone with love, attention and (in this case) arrange for a job and a house.

Sigh. Expensive lesson. Feeling a bit of a fool to be honest, and trying hard not to be too upset with myself. At least she is getting professional care now, although she is still in total denial that anything fundamental needs to be addressed, despite everyone telling her so.
 
Refusal to admit the problem is indeed the biggest problem.
 
I am so sorry things went this way, and for your heartache. It is good, though, that she is on medication and hopefully working on her issues.

You have my commiseration and sympathies. I've been in the position where I've had to end a relationship with someone who would not deal with their mental and emotional issues :-(

*Hugs* to you, and I hope your heart heals quickly.
 
I am sorry for the pain you all had to go through, Northhome. I have a bit of experience with BPD in relationships and can confirm that it is indeed an extremely tough obstacle when looking for longer term stability in monogamy let alone polyamory. I think anybody practicing or exploring poly would do themselves a big favour in exploring and understanding the phenomenon of BPD. I suspect poly will appeal to people to whom the BPD label has been applied because it allows them to more freely develop the close connections that they tend to need from the people around them. Ultimately it is just another label, and generalization is difficult, but the things I have found common in my encounters with people to whom this label was relevant were:

1. We connected VERY quickly, and the connection grew very deep very quickly, and in those relationships where sex was involved, it came very quickly and was very intense right from the beginning.
2. Recurring motives of rejection and abandonment, triggered by an expression of an honest but potentially negative opinion/feeling, distance, seperation or just needing space.
3. Black and white thinking, splitting.
4. The intense love can switch over, sometimes momentarily, sometimes permanently, to intense anger. And when meeting this angry person, you do not recognize the person you connected with.

From a poly perspective, this phenomenon is signficant because of this tendency to form deep connections that can evolve so quickly. But it is essential to understand that this tendency forms part of a broader pull/push dynamic in BPD - (Some use the phrase "I hate you don't leave me" which is a bit harsh). I believe it is exactly this pull/push dynamic that has resulted in BPD people often finding themselves at the receiving end of some harsh judgments, even from the mental health community itself. However, like so many things in life we have to acknowledge that it is exactly that pull/push phenomenon that allowed the deep connection to develop in the first place. It is a complete package, we can't have the one without the other. It takes a lot of courage to continue with such a relationship, and the reality is that in many, many cases a relationship is simply impossible. But for those that have tasted the intense connection, it is difficult to deny that there is something special there.
 
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kullervo said:
1. We connected VERY quickly, and the connection grew very deep very quickly, and in those relationships where sex was involved, it came very quickly and was very intense right from the beginning.
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Check.

kullervo said:
2. Recurring motives of rejection and abandonment, triggered by an expression of an honest but potentially negative opinion/feeling, distance, seperation or just needing space.
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Abandonment was a huge issue.

kullervo said:
3. Black and white thinking, splitting.
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Constantly. Crazy-making incoherence.

kullervo said:
4. The intense love can switch over, sometimes momentarily, sometimes permanently, to intense anger. And when meeting this angry person, you do not recognize the person you connected with.
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Fatal Attraction. Really, really, scary. Like some sort of demon took over - it was like nothing I've ever seen.

kullervo said:
But for those that have tasted the intense connection, it is difficult to deny that there is something special there.
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You've nailed it. An incredible woman - and I miss the intense creativity. But the price was too much to pay.

Thanks for your insights. Nice to know that I'm not alone!
 
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