Need advice about putting "in an open relationship" on facebook!!!

[justascientist]

I've been a little testy in this thread and that's not like me. I am going to try to be a little more diplomatic in the future.

That is nice of you to say. Despite your near apology, I was still almost banned (because I think asexual polys are weird and I disagreed with a poly saying it isn't about sex), and besides my party there was only one non-obese female under 60 and over 18 at a poly event we recently attended, and she was fat. Worse, my partner thought most of the guys were "creepy." Also, a lot of polys seem to be gay or do kink. I'm not gay and am not into kinky stuff, so I don't feel a good fit. If there is truth to the ideas that this movement is compromised or that polys can't find real mates (a common attack against us), it is harder for me to go out on a limb to support them.

 

[kdt26417]

I think that for some polys, poly is not a movement per se, not a social cause, it is just a description of how they personally want to conduct their relationships. Polys don't readily congeal into a united group; it's particularly true of this forum.

There isn't a lot of local poly groups you can find to participate in, not unless you live in a city that is a major poly center (e.g. Portland or Seattle). Most cities (e.g. Albuquerque) are lucky if they even have one poly group. I attended many of the Albuquerque group's functions and found there was a good range of people, both age-wise and body-wise. I haven't sampled any of Seattle's poly groups yet, but I'd like to eventually.

FWIW, I am straight and vanilla, and probably rather conservative compared to a lot of polyamorists. I think you can fit in if you give it some time and develop an eye for who your friends are.

I'm in a three-person V, which means I have one partner, and she has two partners. [shrug] It suffices for me. I didn't go looking for polyamory; it found me.

So I take it you want to know if poly is a worthy cause for your support. My answer is to suggest a book ... "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.

 

[viorels]

Yes that's the exact question I face. All the contributors in this and the other thread I've posted in have helped me make a decision, but I'm not ready to make the decision yet. Sadly, viorels never answered my question. That is the intel I really need. RainyGrlJenny, your comments suggest I should go for it. Other factors I'm weighing are the negative comments on this board to me; essentially more and more I'm not wanting to support the poly movement since I am opposed to some people's views here. Obviously I don't want to support a group that is attacking me or has otherwise been compromised.

justascientist, I'm a 33 years old male and that probably makes it easier to accept for other people. For a female it's probably harder to live with a "slut" label that comes associated with that. Here is a summary of the reactions:

Two coworkers: "LOL"
Three friends: "Well done, I like that" and similar positive feedback
Friend 1: "Only pain and suffering, down this path you will find..."
Girl 1: "So basically you are in a relationship with everybody. comon, bullshit. Either way, good luck with cash as you'll need it for medical exams and alimony"
Girl 2: "The girls you are seeing are ok with that? No judgement intended, just curious."

Offcourse the reactions you will get will be different, so please share them if you have any ...

 

[YouAreHere]

If there is truth to the ideas that this movement is compromised or that polys can't find real mates (a common attack against us), it is harder for me to go out on a limb to support them.

So just toot your own horn. Why feel the need to support a movement that you're in the middle of trying to identify? Stand on your own soapbox and support the bits and pieces you believe in, rather than "Poly" or "Open" as a whole.

The funny thing is, even though you have the umbrella terms ("poly" and "open), there is no "whole", no one "movement" to compromise. Some open folks prefer swinging relationships. Some poly folks prefer tribe-like families and living under one roof. Some folks love the sexual aspect of poly/open relationships. Some folks love the romantic aspect of them. Some folks love both. Folks do things in their own way.

Support YOUR relationship. Support (and shout from the rafters, if you see fit) the relationship configuration YOU prefer, and believe in. It's going to have more weight if it's something you're practicing and emotionally behind, anyway, rather than figuring out what other people are doing and why. What are YOUR motivations for putting "open" on FB? What are YOUR motivations for being public?

 

[IndieSolo]

Oh, poly is a movement now? Pardon me, I thought it was just a way to have more than one loving relationship. There is no requirement to wave a flag and be an activist just because one is in love with multiple people or somehow part of a polyamorous situation. Many of us just want to live our lives.

 

[Inyourendo]

it's a movement for people who think plural marriage should be legal and want equal rights with their partners. It's a movement for people who don't want to live in the closet.

Some people want to just feed their babies but some people nurse in public uncovered because they want to normalize breast feeding so other women don't have to hide in a bathroom.

 

[kdt26417]

In other words, poly is a movement for *some* poly people, but not for all.

 

[YouAreHere]

it's a movement for people who think plural marriage should be legal and want equal rights with their partners. It's a movement for people who don't want to live in the closet. L

Plural marriage is one movement. Recognition of Polyamory as a legitimate relationship choice is another. Someone who wants one may not necessarily care about the other. Someone may be poly and not really care about either.

Some people want to just feed their babies but some people nurse in public uncovered because they want to normalize breast feeding so other women don't have to hide in a bathroom.

Some of us nursed in public but had no interest in becoming part of a larger bandwagon. I wanted to feed my kids, and did. For me, that *is* normalizing. Just being. Just doing.

However, if you want to fight for something and lead a particular bandwagon, it helps to be specific, concise, and clear about what that bandwagon is.

 

[kdt26417]

True. True.

 

[Inyourendo]

In other words, poly is a movement for *some* poly people, but not for all.

Yep. As a poly person I would like the right to be able to legally marry my other partners if I choose to

 

[kdt26417]

Legal poly marriage would be great for my V.

 

[Bluebird]

Legal poly marriage would be great for my V.

Mine too.

 

[KC43]

This is semantics again, but to me, "movement" implies not only trying to normalize or find acceptance for something, but also trying to convince *others* to participate in it. That's why I personally am struggling with categorizing polyamory as a movement.

I'm also curious as to what the OP means when they say polyamory is being "compromised." Compromised in what way? By whom?

To me, from the posts, it seems the OP thinks that the movement is compromised by people (e.g. asexuals, people in the BDSM lifestyle, homosexuals, etc.) who have relationships outside the confines of what that person considers polyamory, and/or by those who choose not to publicly acknowledge being polyamorous because of concerns about family, job, or just because it's no one else's business.

I may be misunderstanding the OP's meaning of "compromised," though, so I'm hoping they'll clarify.

 

[Inyourendo]

no one is trying to convince anyone to participate in homosexuality or being black but there is black rights movement and gay rights movements

 

[YouAreHere]

I interpret "movement" the same way KC43 does.

The "gay rights" movement does have an agenda of promoting equal rights, and as such, changing people's and/or governments' behavior.

If we're going to refer to a "poly movement," then what are we referencing? Plural marriage? Poly acceptance? Both of these could look very different, as one targets both public perception and law/rights, and one only targets public perception. Maybe one's a stepping stone to the other.

Semantics, maybe, but calling something a movement, and then saying it's compromised just leads me to want to understand what justascientist's view of a poly "movement" was.

 

[IndieSolo]

While there are local and national organizations that support and advocate for polyamorists, and promote a more positive image of polyamory in general, there really isn't a "poly movement" with a specific message and a unified front. Just because a person has multiple, ethical love relationships, and may even want certain things to happen politically, does not mean they are automatically part of some movement with other polyfolk, nor that they even want to be.

no one is trying to convince anyone to participate in homosexuality or being black but there is black rights movement and gay rights movements

No, no one is trying to convince anyone to be black or gay if they are not those things, and that would be futile anyway, but those movements fight for equality and acceptance, and in so doing attempt to convince people that being gay or black is okay. So, participation in that sense could simply mean acceptance.

 

[kdt26417]

In theory, polys everywhere could get together and fight for certain rights, such as

• a poly's right to marry,
• a poly's right to keep their job,
• a poly's right to serve in the military,
• a poly's right to retain custody of their children

... and possibly other rights that aren't springing to my mind. But in practice, I'm thinking most polys aren't motivated enough by such prizes to actually march in the streets and cry out for justice. Not yet anyway.

Perhaps that's one of the things that justascientist feels is compromising the poly population? Why support us if most of us are a bunch of selfish, apathetic cowards? Selfish because we're not willing to sacrifice ourselves for the future and the greater good, apathetic because we don't care enough to get out there and make a difference, and cowardly because we're afraid to out ourselves.

Plus most of us seem to be fat, old, underaged, creepy, etc.

I don't know how to solve all those problems. I'm too lazy to try to change myself for the better, much less get others to change. Plus I don't know how to stop being old and creepy. I suppose I should stop looking at hot women at the grocery store. Boy do I feel guilty when I get caught.

 

[justascientist]

In other words, poly is a movement for *some* poly people, but not for all.

The way movements work is that only a tiny fraction of the people agreeing with the movement do the hard work. Afterwards, more enjoy the benefits and those originally opposing the movement become silent. So poly is a movement even if you don't this likely fact.

 

[justascientist]

I interpret "movement" the same way KC43 does.

The "gay rights" movement does have an agenda of promoting equal rights, and as such, changing people's and/or governments' behavior.

If we're going to refer to a "poly movement," then what are we referencing? Plural marriage? Poly acceptance? Both of these could look very different, as one targets both public perception and law/rights, and one only targets public perception. Maybe one's a stepping stone to the other.

Semantics, maybe, but calling something a movement, and then saying it's compromised just leads me to want to understand what justascientist's view of a poly "movement" was.

An important goal for me isn't legislative but a change in mindset about poly being somewhat respectable. Right now, it isn't. On facebook, where I learn all I know playing farmville 24/7, I saw a picture of a guy in mid air falling onto concrete to his death because he was gay. That is a mindset, that it is bad to be gay. Similarly, it is a mindset by most people that poly is for cheaters right now.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from justascientist):

"The way movements work is that only a tiny fraction of the people agreeing with the movement do the hard work. Afterwards, more enjoy the benefits and those originally opposing the movement become silent. So poly is a movement even if you don't like this fact."

I guess I would think of it as, "Poly is an agent of change."