Need advice about putting "in an open relationship" on facebook!!!
- Thread starter justascientist
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justascientist
New member
Yes, I think exactly that viorels is indeed somewhat being a crusader, in that (s)he was willing to take the risk you won't, and I applaud her(him) for doing that. IMO it is a real risk, exactly for all the reasons you mentioned, and especially for you given your occupation. You aren't being a crusader, and are intentionally not fighting those who think poly is immoral. To some extent (s)he is at least facing them, allowing them to know (s)he is poly.
Realize, if nobody comes out, they can get away with thinking we are immoral. That is a bad thing. So coming out is a good thing, since it makes it harder for people to get away with bs attacks against polys.
Does that make sense Hannah?
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
So the point of this poll is what, then? To call out those who aren't standing on the soapbox?
Anyway...
My partner created a page for both me and my metamour, so he could be "in an open relationship" with the both of us. Publicly acknowledging us both was important to him, and he found a way to do it.
Because FB is obnoxious and won't let Xena say that she's "in an open relationship" with him (because he's in one with the fake page), she's just publicly "in an open relationship."
I'm publicly "in a relationship" (since I'm mono and don't really consider my end open).
If I'm outed as being in a poly relationship, I'm outed and I'll discuss it with anyone who wants to talk about it, but I don't feel the need to advertise it to my coworkers and relatives. I find it annoying that alternative relationship styles tend to focus people's minds on the sexual aspect of that relationship, and as a result, I find it completely inappropriate to advertise it among coworkers.
That said, some coworkers, friends, and relatives know, but not all.
Not sure if the poll covers that, but there ya go.
Anyway...
My partner created a page for both me and my metamour, so he could be "in an open relationship" with the both of us. Publicly acknowledging us both was important to him, and he found a way to do it.
Because FB is obnoxious and won't let Xena say that she's "in an open relationship" with him (because he's in one with the fake page), she's just publicly "in an open relationship."
I'm publicly "in a relationship" (since I'm mono and don't really consider my end open).
If I'm outed as being in a poly relationship, I'm outed and I'll discuss it with anyone who wants to talk about it, but I don't feel the need to advertise it to my coworkers and relatives. I find it annoying that alternative relationship styles tend to focus people's minds on the sexual aspect of that relationship, and as a result, I find it completely inappropriate to advertise it among coworkers.
That said, some coworkers, friends, and relatives know, but not all.
Not sure if the poll covers that, but there ya go.
justascientist
New member
Like I originally wrote, I am thinking of "coming out" on facebook, and don't want to make a huge mistake. I want to get a feel for what most polys do and don't do. The poll has already told me that most polys don't do what I am thinking of doing, and has also confirmed that I will be attacked by some friends. The exact nature of this possible attacks is what I want to know because I of course don't need to come out at all. To me it is about being honest, and I hate people not knowing the truth. I think living a transparent life is always best, so I want to do that, but I am torn about the risks of being hated on and attacked for stuff like breaking up families, unhappy with current partner, etc.
Thanks very much YouAreHere for your info.
Re (from justascientist):
If that's how you feel, and you feel strongly enough about it to post it all in bold print, then there should be no question in your mind about what you should do on Facebook. Of course you should make your "in an open relationship" status publicly visible. Not to mention you should out yourself at work, home, and anywhere else where the subject comes up.
On the other hand if that's not how you feel, why post it all in bold print like that? You're not taking a side just to win an argument I hope.
If that's how you feel, and you feel strongly enough about it to post it all in bold print, then there should be no question in your mind about what you should do on Facebook. Of course you should make your "in an open relationship" status publicly visible. Not to mention you should out yourself at work, home, and anywhere else where the subject comes up.
On the other hand if that's not how you feel, why post it all in bold print like that? You're not taking a side just to win an argument I hope.
justascientist
New member
What I put in bold isn't what I just how feel, it also pure logical reasoning and indisputable facts.
Consider, today is Martin Luther King Day. This is about classic minority persecution. Today, gays can marry. Before, they could not. Why? A lot of pain and good people. Today, most polys are afraid to come out. The poll proves this. Compare to being married. Most married really do post that on fb. Polys are blamed for things they are the most innocent of, like cheating. If you hate these ideas, and you really like the current situation, where most polys all but have to be secretive about what they think and who they are, and don't want society to change, you are my enemy.
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
I apologize for being snarky, then, since I didn't understand your intent. Thanks for clarifying.
I have friends who have vilified Chops and have told me that 'I deserve better'. They rolled their eyes and thought it was 'too much' when he declared his relationship with the fake page. There were friends who were happy for us as well. And then, there were friends who struggled with what they felt was right, but wanted me to be happy.
Honestly, I *do* like the people who are all "ick" about our relationship, so I won't cut them out of my life, but I know who deserves the kudos: The ones who feel this is a big deal but still want a relationship with me (and Chops). They're the ones who are struggling with their own reconciliation between the relationship I'm in and what they think is "right" - and they're choosing to still hang with me, listen to my stories, ask me questions, etc.
The ones who were always open-minded were never a worry (and I definitely appreciate them). The ones who were closed-minded? I know where they stand.
The ones in the middle, struggling... worrying about me but trusting that I can live my life the way I want and make my own decisions? They're the ones who are pushing themselves against their limits, and I appreciate that very, very much.
That said, I don't push my limits on FB. Like I said, I'm not "open" in my own mind, so I don't change my relationship status to "open," even though it'd probably be more correct to do so. My older relatives would be protective of me, and want some explanation, and while I could do that, I really don't choose to. It's not really information they need to have, and I'm okay with not being out in that respect (in addition to the whole coworker aspect).
Other friends have heard the word "Poly" and thought that we're all in bed with each other, so I end up having to deconstruct the idea they have in their heads before I actually describe what our relationship really is. My reluctance to admit to being in a poly relationship is just mostly acknowledging that it's tedious and tiring to me to do so. I'd rather explain it under my own terms (and not have Chops be vilified in the process).
So yeah... probably not the easiest answer to your question. There are as many answers as there are people in poly relationships, it seems. Best to gauge your actions based on your own situation, and I'm wondering what that is at this point.
justascientist
New member
Yeah, that's the thing, it probably isn't to anyone's benefit to come out. I think it is the hard choice to make for the greater good and for the future.
About facebook? Well, look, it is the main place people publicly could put that up. Nothing else comes close. There is an option for married in linkedin but it is obviously designed for the hot married women who are sick of being hit on by co-workers.
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Inyourendo
New member
I use to have both on one account but it felt awkward to me because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My relationship status ws a "in a relationship " but every one on my friends list know Im bi and poly and know I have two partners. I can't live in the closet so I could never be with someone who didn't claim me
There are people I can't expose myself to on Facebook, for reasons that have nothing to do with poly. I can't "go public" with anything. I shouldn't say "can't," I should say "won't." I prefer not to risk life and limb (mine and my two companions').
Re (from justascientist):
You're contradicting yourself. Either it's to someone's benefit (e.g. the greater good, the future) to come out, or it isn't.
Re (from justascientist):
Then if you are a noble, generous person, you will out yourself on Facebook (and many other places as well).
I think Facebook is an odd place to take a stand for poly, it is such a cesspool of unannounced use of your information. If I was going to out myself, I wouldn't do it on Facebook. If I was in an ordinary monogamous marriage, I wouldn't announce that on Facebook either. I think Facebook is a terrible place for sharing information (for any reason). I try to share as close to nothing as possible. I do sometimes post a thought on someone's wall, but I keep my profile down to a bare minimum.
I think it's great when someone lets the world know they're poly. Bluebird is a particularly outstanding example of that and I admire her for it. At the same time, I don't condemn those who feel the need to stay in the closet. There's way too much anti-poly sentiment out there to expect every poly to out themselves. Some are outing themselves, and that suffices for now IMO. As time goes by, I think more polys will out themselves. That's good too.
I've already stated my reason for not outing myself, and you haven't attempted to shoot that down, so I trust I don't need to repeat myself here.
Re (from justascientist):
You're contradicting yourself. Either it's to someone's benefit (e.g. the greater good, the future) to come out, or it isn't.
Re (from justascientist):
Then if you are a noble, generous person, you will out yourself on Facebook (and many other places as well).
I think Facebook is an odd place to take a stand for poly, it is such a cesspool of unannounced use of your information. If I was going to out myself, I wouldn't do it on Facebook. If I was in an ordinary monogamous marriage, I wouldn't announce that on Facebook either. I think Facebook is a terrible place for sharing information (for any reason). I try to share as close to nothing as possible. I do sometimes post a thought on someone's wall, but I keep my profile down to a bare minimum.
I think it's great when someone lets the world know they're poly. Bluebird is a particularly outstanding example of that and I admire her for it. At the same time, I don't condemn those who feel the need to stay in the closet. There's way too much anti-poly sentiment out there to expect every poly to out themselves. Some are outing themselves, and that suffices for now IMO. As time goes by, I think more polys will out themselves. That's good too.
I've already stated my reason for not outing myself, and you haven't attempted to shoot that down, so I trust I don't need to repeat myself here.
I completely agree with Kevin here. I understand the visibility argument. It's clear that public acceptance of homosexuality has come about to a large extent by the fact that almost everyone knows (and knows that they know) gay people, and that these are people that they can relate to. But the positive momentum of the gay rights movement didn't happen because of increased visibility on social media. It happened as people quietly got on with living lives worth living. It happened as people came out to their friends and neighbours, didn't shy away from correcting the misgendering of their partners, didn't shy away from holding hands in public. Yes, there were a lot of high-profile comings out too, of celebrities and public figures. Of course those things help. Me changing my Facebook status to the 300+/- people I am linked to on social media? That's not going to contribute diddly squat. Those people that I'm closest to, know. Those people in the theatre who see me holding hands with Nina and Jay at the same time? They might know. The acquaintance that spots me snuggled up with Scandi on a night out and asks me, 'hey, what happened to Nina?'. They know. I don't feel I need to ram it in anyones face.
That being said, I've never encountered any outright hostility to poly in the way I have to homosexuality. Mostly it's just a comment to the effect of 'I could never do that', or mild indifference, or a raised eyebrow. Maybe I'm the exception, and everyone on here is having a torrid time of it, in which case I'm sorry if it seems I'm denying your experience. But to me, the two are not comparable. 'Poly persecution' just isn't a thing for me, and I don't feel the need to be called to arms and be open about that in the same way I have done about my attraction to women. Your mileage, it clearly varies.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
For those people who see me regularly and can see that my relationship with Chops isn't "disrespectful" of me, and that we're doing well, sure - having them know that I'm in a Poly relationship can help with the visibility and understanding that Poly isn't just what you see on "Reality TV." However, I like to decide when/how that message gets communicated.
Those who will be judgmental will be judgmental. I see a particular circle of friends a LOT less nowadays after a falling out between some of them because of this.
Some folks have found out on social media (by friending Chops) and have just kept quiet about it. I don't really know if they have preconceived notions about it and are just keeping quiet to be polite, or if they just don't care. I don't bring up the topic. Nowadays, when friends are about to friend him on social media, they get "the talk" from me so they're not blindsided by it. That usually results in some pretty good talks and questions, and I get to explain what the relationship is to me, not let their minds run wild with what their definition of "Poly" is.
I usually don't even use the word, instead saying that "Chops isn't monogamous, and has another long-term relationship." Then I let the conversation move on from there. There's no real button for that on FB.
However, since I don't consider my end of the relationship "open," I won't put it down as my relationship status anyway. I have no interest in turning people down because they think *I'm* open and looking.
Anyway, I agree with the others. FB isn't my pulpit. It's a way for me to keep in touch with people I don't see often, and aside from that, I just have fun with it. Xena, however, likes to be out and "educate" folks on FB. Chops is just out - doesn't post much and doesn't care to be part of the "poly bandwagon" outside of his real world activities.
I've found that my "greater good" comes from talking one-on-one with folks and dropping their preconceptions. That's what's working for me in my life right now.
RainyGrlJenny
Member
When I had two primaries (Fly and Moonlight), my relationship status on facebook was "In an open relationship with Fly" and his was the reciprocal. Moonlight is more private, and didn't want to be linked that way.
Neither one of us got more than a couple of interested questions. We both have family, friends, work contacts, clients, etc., as facebook friends. Additionally, I'm a child care provider, which can be problematic with so-called alternative lifestyles. However, it turned out to be kind of a non-issue.
Now that I'm not really having more partners than Moonlight, my status is just "In a relationship." It's my experience that nobody particularly cares.
Neither one of us got more than a couple of interested questions. We both have family, friends, work contacts, clients, etc., as facebook friends. Additionally, I'm a child care provider, which can be problematic with so-called alternative lifestyles. However, it turned out to be kind of a non-issue.
Now that I'm not really having more partners than Moonlight, my status is just "In a relationship." It's my experience that nobody particularly cares.
Good posts tenK, YouAreHere, and RainyGrlJenny.
I think poly issues will eventually heat up in the courts, congress, and widespread public debate ... and yes, it matters. But minorities such as gays and American blacks have suffered and sacrificed far more than polys in general will ever have to do. Those polys who are ready to out themselves can make the biggest impact on their little corner of the world by announcing their poly life/nature to their (presumably monogamous) families and friends.
How often do people study Facebook strangers' profiles? What a strange way to use Facebook. "Hmmm, browsing through profile pages of people I've never heard of ... and let's just see what their relationship status is ... What!? 'An open relationship!' Why, that's outrageous!"
At the very least, if Facebook is *the* battlefield for poly rights, we need more relationship status options -- you know, for example, like, "I'm in a poly relationship." "Open relationship" can mean all kinds of things. My poly V is closed in the sense of not having sex outside the three of us (and not quickly or easily adding to our V to make it an N). So, there's some question as to whether that should even be called an "open" relationship.
So some people say bad things about polyamory. I don't get stirred up into a panic because of it. "Oh no, they're saying bad things about me. I must make them stop." As for marital rights, I kind of feel like we need to let gays finish their struggle to legalize same-sex marriage everywhere, and maybe give everyone a chance to breathe after that, before introducing the fight for poly marriage.
In any case, I'm not much of an activist. I guess that makes me "part of the problem?"
I think poly issues will eventually heat up in the courts, congress, and widespread public debate ... and yes, it matters. But minorities such as gays and American blacks have suffered and sacrificed far more than polys in general will ever have to do. Those polys who are ready to out themselves can make the biggest impact on their little corner of the world by announcing their poly life/nature to their (presumably monogamous) families and friends.
How often do people study Facebook strangers' profiles? What a strange way to use Facebook. "Hmmm, browsing through profile pages of people I've never heard of ... and let's just see what their relationship status is ... What!? 'An open relationship!' Why, that's outrageous!"
At the very least, if Facebook is *the* battlefield for poly rights, we need more relationship status options -- you know, for example, like, "I'm in a poly relationship." "Open relationship" can mean all kinds of things. My poly V is closed in the sense of not having sex outside the three of us (and not quickly or easily adding to our V to make it an N). So, there's some question as to whether that should even be called an "open" relationship.
So some people say bad things about polyamory. I don't get stirred up into a panic because of it. "Oh no, they're saying bad things about me. I must make them stop." As for marital rights, I kind of feel like we need to let gays finish their struggle to legalize same-sex marriage everywhere, and maybe give everyone a chance to breathe after that, before introducing the fight for poly marriage.
In any case, I'm not much of an activist. I guess that makes me "part of the problem?"
YouAreHere
Well-known member
I just noticed this option in the poll:
Nobody without some sort of relationship with me gets to see what I put on FB (outside of profile and cover pictures). I have zero desire to be fully visible to total FB strangers anyway (outside of some very rare exceptions). Period.
To be honest, I don't know that either Chops or Xena have a publicly visible profile, either. My answer was within the context of my friends list.
Nobody without some sort of relationship with me gets to see what I put on FB (outside of profile and cover pictures). I have zero desire to be fully visible to total FB strangers anyway (outside of some very rare exceptions). Period.
To be honest, I don't know that either Chops or Xena have a publicly visible profile, either. My answer was within the context of my friends list.
justascientist
New member
No. Martyrs do what hurts them for the greater good and the future. It is not usually to the individual's benefit to protest, for instance, since they could be jailed. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Miller Jeffrey Miller is the usual example I give but one could say the same of Dr. King as well. Jeffrey Miller died helping to stop the viet nam war which killed over a million people. Sorry if I sounded confusing and hope it makes sense.
justascientist
New member
Yes that's the exact question I face. All the contributors in this and the other thread I've posted in have helped me make a decision, but I'm not ready to make the decision yet. Sadly, viorels never answered my question. That is the intel I really need. RainyGrlJenny, your comments suggest I should go for it. Other factors I'm weighing are the negative comments on this board to me; essentially more and more I'm not wanting to support the poly movement since I am opposed to some people's views here. Obviously I don't want to support a group that is attacking me or has otherwise been compromised.
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Sorry if people have been attacking you; it is up to you whether you support polyamory and I hope you'll make your decision based on polyamory itself rather than on (some of) the people in it.
I think we all have our various ways of supporting polyamory. I (try to) support it mainly through my participation on this forum. Others support it by going public with it, often appearing in web articles and broadcast interviews. I don't think there is any particularly right or wrong way to do it ... and I'll admit I'm somewhat selfish and don't want to sacrifice myself on the altar of poly. I'll gladly praise those that do make the sacrifice, though.
I've been a little testy in this thread and that's not like me. I am going to try to be a little more diplomatic in the future.
I think we all have our various ways of supporting polyamory. I (try to) support it mainly through my participation on this forum. Others support it by going public with it, often appearing in web articles and broadcast interviews. I don't think there is any particularly right or wrong way to do it ... and I'll admit I'm somewhat selfish and don't want to sacrifice myself on the altar of poly. I'll gladly praise those that do make the sacrifice, though.
I've been a little testy in this thread and that's not like me. I am going to try to be a little more diplomatic in the future.