I'm Poly, She's Mono. Can it work or will it always feel unbalanced?

A

AmbrosiaLK

New member
Ok, here goes.

Six months ago, I started video chatting with a woman online. Neither of us were seeking a relationship but we fell in love pretty quickly anyway. Maybe in like.
In the midst of this relationship, I started considering I was poly in a way. She was okay. She met a guy I ended up fooling around with. He's a free spirit, and open about the fact that he will fool around but he's not really the relationship type. I was fine with that. He travels around the country so we also knew our fling was temporary while we've been friends for a while and continue to be friends. She liked him. I liked him. He and I fooled around. He left town.

She initially agreed to this because I have a bit of a higher sex drive than she does and we're currently in different states. I'm in Texas, she's in Colorado.

When we were discussing guidelines, I always said I was going to fool around until we were engaged, then I'd quit. Then I had guidelines with my partner(s). She had to like them. I had a pants-on rule. And they had to be okay with that.

I should probably add here I don't want to have actual intercourse unless I'm married. I know, I'm a whole cocktail of "what seriously?"

But after he left, I started realizing that maybe the "until we were engaged thing" may not work for me. And I started to feel like she was telling me what I wanted to hear.

Now we get to the age difference. I'm 21. She's 29. She's only had one relationship at all before me, and he was an abusive jerk.

So the other day, I decided I couldn't keep her waiting on me to commit, so I broke up with her. She cried and begged me to reconsider, saying she really was okay with and we never even had to get married which made my "telling me what I wanna hear" alarms blare louder. I didn't want to compromise her happiness for mine.

We decided to stay friends because we need each other on other levels.

But I want to be with her. I haven't felt this bad about a break up.

I keep asking myself if I can truly make it work. I need advice.
 
I'm new to the whole poly thing. In my case, my partner, Blue, is poly. He struggled with fitting in the mono world for years and only began living an authentic, poly life in recent years. We've been together about a year. For most of our relationship, he's been dating casually, or with someone else, with only brief periods of monogamy. I'm not sure where I fall? At this point, I have no desire to be with anyone else; however, we were in a functional triad for 6 months and I really enjoyed it!

Currently, he's just starting to casually date again and I'm...not. It works because he's very conscientious about our relationship. He's also fully present with me when we're together. He's loving, supportive, and helpful I don't feel like I'm getting short shrift. I do occasionally have bouts of insecurity (especially when he's initially connecting with a new partner.) But, I work through those and I put the focus back on us and our relationship. I am very happy with our relationship.

I think it's very possible for a mono/poly relationship to work provided both parties are open, honest, loving, and work on their part of the relationship. For my partner, that includes being a present, loving, supportive partner. For me, that means the same plus working through my own issues and insecurities. It also means lots of communication! Honestly, this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in!

That said, your issues with your partner don't really strike me as poly related?
 
AmbrosiaLK said:
What do you think the issues are?
Click to expand...

Communication, cohesiveness, maybe compatibility. I mean those can be issues in poly relationships but they're important in all relationships? If you're concerned that she's just saying what you want to hear, then it sounds like she may not be secure in what she wants? And, honestly, you sound a bit confused about what you want.

One thing I've done that has helped my relationship with Blue tremendously, is to throw out all pre-conceived, pre-programmed notions of what a relationship is, what it should look like, how it should function, and how it should progress. Instead, I focus on what works for our relationship. And we communicate constantly. About everything. I focus on my own emotional health. That means taking care of me and working on my own issues. When I'm in a good emotional space, our relationship functions best. Blue does the same. Honestly, those occasional bouts of insecurity that I have are almost always because I'm not taking care of me and am not in a good emotional place. Or, less frequently, because Blue & I aren't communicating like we should be.
 
I want her to be happy.

We communicated pretty well, I thought, but I just kept feeling like she was agreeing to everything to keep me around. Like there wasn't compromise.

We get along great. Distance never seemed to be a problem. The age difference wasn't an issue until I thought I was holding her back.
 
So... basically you feel bad post break up?

You JUST broke up. And from the sound of it -- for good reasons.

  • Too tight too fast since you didn't even know her 6 mos ago.
  • You have concerns she tells you whatever you want to hear so you will not break up. Rather than relating more honestly with you.
  • Your think being friends is better.

I am sorry you hurt right now, but it is appropriate for the situation. Most people are sad at a break up, even if wanted.

I would say give it more time. Heal, and see if being friends only is actually doable here or not.

But in the romance area? Move on to date local people when you ready. Do not rush to engagement so soon in future. Could at least see a cycle of seasons dating together first so you get more time to get a sense of the person's character and true compatibility.

People could be together because they want to BE together. Not be together because they want "avoid break ups" or "avoid being alone." Some people are afraid like that and latch on to whoever. Would leave me wondering if I am even wanted as a person or if I am just being used for a woobie. Baffling. :confused:

Galagirl
 
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I'm feeling better about the whole thing.

I doubt she saw me that way. At the end of the day, she may have been genuinely happy, genuinely okay with things. We're still friends, like I said. She's a good person. I like her, I enjoy her company. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her. I just don't need to be in a relationship. Not now, maybe not ever.

Looking back, I think she was trying to stop the break up because she thought we'd stop all contact, when I simply wanted to stop pursuing the romantic part of the relationship.
 
Glad you feel better. And that she is not one of those types.

Still sounds like taking it slower could serve you better in future though.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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