Passive aggressive sabotage

S

SmileTexas

New member
To start, my wife is the one that proposed an open relationship. She has dated multiple people and I have only dated one. She is currently single and I have a girlfriend. She promotes me to go on dates but then makes my life hell when I do. Currently I only go on day dates when she is working because night dates makes her feel lonely. When I get back she gets depressed, fights or drinks too much.
When I suggest that I stop dating she says no and "I don't fucking care. Go ahead and date her. Go on and do it. At least you have someone." So yes she is telling me to date but it is obvious that she is pissed about it. She even threatened to move out if I stopped dating the girl. Before I go on a date, she gives genuine encouragement about seeing my girlfriend. It is only post date for the next few days that is rough.
Well now I have negative feelings every time I think about going on a date and have essentially stopped dating altogether for my sanity. It has made the thought of sex with another woman terrifying because I know I will pay for it for the next few days. My girlfriend is awesome and nice but when I think about her, I just get negative feelings because of the wife. I feel like Pavlov's dog.
The wife still considers us open and is looking for a guy. She thinks that since I still text with the gal, I am dating someone. Once she dates a guy again, this will all go away and she won't care what I do. It is like she has an on/off switch. If she has someone, everything is awesome.
Has anyone else encountered passive aggressive sabotage of relationships? I literally think I am ruined for dating for a good while. It took me a long time to find one person that was date worthy and now I have all these negative feelings that have nothing to do with her.
 
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I am sorry you deal in this. :(

I am not clear. Could you be willing to clarify?

You and GF are still together but now arrange your dates in the day to avoid wife drama? You are thinking of ending all dating?

With your wife acting out.... Have you asked if she is willing to stop this behavior and do X instead? And asked what she needs in terms of "before the date care" and "after the date care" so she can chill?

What is she doing or thinking during the date that results in this behavior? It sounds over the top if she is fighting and getting drunk and threatening to move out if you do not date.

You talk about the on/off switch. Does she have anything like bipolar or borderline that would help explain some of this behavior and affect her ability to dial it down?

Because it is not your fault you have a GF and she does not have a BF right now. You do not control the universe or how fast dating partners arrive on your wife's horizon.

I could be wrong. But I wonder if the arrangement she wants is Open for her and Closed for you?

And it is easier to ignore you dating when she has a BF? Then she is getting what she wants partially. Bf? Yep. Hubby closed? Nope. Result -- a plus and a minus. So neutralish.

Right now she is not getting any of what she wants. Bf? Nope. Hubby closed? Nope. Result --- negative and negative. Double minus.

Is that where the hostile behavior comes from?

Galagirl
 
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Thanks Gala. I will be more specific.
The last few dates with my girlfriend have been lunch dates because it makes the wife less insecure.
I am still communicating with my girlfriend every day but we have no dates scheduled because of how my wife reacts.
I do talk to my wife about it but it always ends in a fight where she complains about "at least you have someone" or tries to make me the bad guy. She goes into a tailspin and claims she is not pretty and no one wants her. She is an extremely attractive and popular lady so I know she is in a bad place.
I love my wife a lot and tell her everyday. I will try to make her food, massage her feet, do nice things for her, bring her flowers when she is down but it doesn't seem to help.
She takes anti-depressants but nothing hardcore. She has been for a decade but this behavior is very specific to our dating situation.
Frankly, I think she is the worst candidate for poly because she can only see her side and has low self-esteem. When things are good for her, everything is great. When things are bad for her, everyone suffers. That is strange because she is normally a wonderful giving thoughtful person.
I have tried to close the relationship for her health even though I am the only one seeing someone right now but she is determined to stay open. I am honestly thinking of not dating at all so I can lead a drama free life.
Once again, she is a great gal but just a nightmare when her self-esteem is in the gutter.
 
Sheesh, it all sounds like Junior High bullshit. It would seem you both need to be a bit more mature, confident, and stable in your marriage before you will truly be ready to manage having multiple relationships. She's acting like an insecure, whiny baby. You would probably benefit from couples therapy with a poly-friendly counselor.
 
Smile

I could be wrong. But I wonder if the arrangement she wants is Open for her and Closed for you?

The above from Gala Girl seems to sum it up. She wants the open marriage. You come along for the ride.

She dates multiple people and you are OK with it. And every time you go out you pay with emotional abuse for days.

Sorry, this is bull shit. And i don't care what her mental issues are. I was the one who put us into an open marriage, and I have no patience at all with other women who decide they want some fuck buddies and then start getting pissy when their husband finds a little happiness out of the deal.

Personally, this will go on as long as you let it. You should tell her she has three options
(1) have the open marriage she wants and stop the bull shit
(2) have a traditional closed marriage
(3) be single and do whatever she wants.

If I did this with my husband he would show me the door in a New York second. You are getting beat up for no reason, but only you can stop it.
 
Sigh. I am so sorry.

Frankly, I think she is the worst candidate for poly because she can only see her side and has low self-esteem. When things are good for her, everything is great. When things are bad for her, everyone suffers.
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I could be wrong but it sounds like splitting to me.

These are the only choices I can think of that YOU can control:

  1. You stop dating (temporarily or permanently) at this time in order to be drama free. PLUS one of these...
    • You accept "Open for her, Closed for me"
    • You do NOT accept "Open for her, Closed for me" and have a secondary discussions on that.
  2. You choose to break up with the wife to be drama free.

These are possible things you can ask for, but are not in your control alone. They require her cooperation to some degree:

  1. You ask the wife to stop with this bad behavior and start doing X instead.
  2. If she is changing the topic when you try to do conflict resolution about this behavior, you can tell her you will be happy to talk about that topic too. But the current topic at hand is her behavior. Please stick to topic.
  3. You both seek a counselor to help with having this conversation in a constructive, productive ways rather than going round in circles, stonewalling, etc.
  4. You ask wife to Close (temporarily or permanently) because you both are willing but not ABLE to execute this at this time. You devote some time to solving the things that prevent ability. Even if you pick permanent Close, working on them could help improve quality of your relationship
    • Depression
    • black and white / splitting type thinking
    • low self esteem
    • passive aggressive communication style
    • conflict resolution skills
    • not seeing the other one's side

There could be other choices I am not seeing, but that's what I see as possibilities on the table so far.

Hang in there. I hope you are able to find your way through this.

Galagirl
 
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Yup.
When we were open last time she was full of drama. We closed the relationship and things got awesome for two years where we discussed doing it properly this time. We really worked hard to set up a rule system and that worked pretty well but I guess she is not ready for the emotional part.

Once again, I would go on dates when she had a boyfriend and there were absolutely no problems at all. Once she broke up, things got bad.

We are a really good team and have been together for 16 years. Everything is great in our marriage until we go open and then she becomes wreck. I think it is because she started seeing me when she was 19 and only had a few boyfriends before me. She doesn't have a good reference point for emotional rejection.

Thanks for the hard knocks advice. I will probably see if she wants to do therapy because being rejected by a boyfriend shouldn't cause all this mess. She is depressed more than she is mean. She is usually just mean after a few drinks.

It won't be a split because we love each other too much. We just have to find a way to get rid of this high school mentality.
 
Glad it helps some. I hope she agrees to counseling.

Is it like the "volume knob" is broken? Like... Ok. Breaking up stinks, but the emotional response is way too "loud" for the situation?

Bummer, disappointment, sad, sure. But this just seems over the top gloom and doom, acting out,etc?

If so...That could be something to tell the counselor.

Galagirl
 
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I highly suggest the counseling option! I live with a passive-aggressive person and have just recently learned how to identify and deal with it. It is crazy-making!

This might be helpful: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

People joke about when a wife says "sure, go ahead" but she really means "don't you dare do such a thing", etc. You see this stuff on fb and other places all the time. Truth is, it's flat out emotional abuse. Unfortunately, when its done by a women and because it doesn't leave a visible bruise, society thinks it's funny, instead of calling it as it is - ABUSE!

Whether or not she can eventually deal with your dating, dealing with the passive-aggressive behaviors will make you both happier and it will improve your ability to handle difficult situations in the future.
 
We talked last night and we are taking a break until she gets back into her happy place again. Her issues really stem from an inability to deal with rejection. My relationship just seemed to increase her feelings of rejection from her previous relationship. She definitely needs to deal with it if she is going to try to have a normal relationship with another guy. She gets so excited when another guy likes her but isn't able to handle the bumps. I think it would be the same if she was single.
My girlfriend thinks that I should get my marriage back in order again before we go on another date. She goes on dates with other guys so it isn't like we are breaking up. I am just currently unavailable. She is probably the most suited to open relationships out of the three of us. Gf is a awesome.

All your advice has been great. I just wanted to check with you guys to cover all my options before making a move. Good job folks. Special thanks to GalaGirl.
 
That's really sweet of your girlfriend to be patient with you and dealing with your wife's insecurities, sounds like when your wife has another boyfriend you'll be free to date again but how many times is your girlfriend going to be willing to put your relationship on hold whenever your wife finds herself without another partner? Seems like you should really work on this stuff during this break that way next time there won't have to be a break
 
LOLOL, damn rights, get a unicorn, everything will be solved. :D
 
Unicorn update

I called a poly counselor who recommended that I take two unicorns and to call him in the morning. I have only had one so far and I feel great. The wife says she is feeling much better too and has proclaimed that she only gets sexually aroused around me and another woman.
I thought the benefits of a unicorn would end there but suddenly the transmission issue in my truck has been resolved and my fuel efficiency has shot up to 98 miles to the gallon. That is on a late model truck!
Finally, I talked to my CPA who told me that I can now file the 2-69U form for unicorn exemptions on my tax return. I went from owing $4,000 to getting a $11,000 return on my taxes.
I really want to thank everyone on the board that pushed me to get a unicorn. You guys are the best!
 
Take two unicorns and call him in the morning ... O Lord have mercy. :)

Re:
"I thought the benefits of a unicorn would end there but suddenly the transmission issue in my truck has been resolved ..."
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LOLOL, oh that's just not right.

You better get some professional help ... or at least, get another unicorn. ;)
 
No problem. I checked and they are carrying them at Home Depot in the housewares department. I will pick up another one tonight after work.
 
SmileTexas said:
We talked last night and we are taking a break until she gets back into her happy place again. Her issues really stem from an inability to deal with rejection. My relationship just seemed to increase her feelings of rejection from her previous relationship.
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Well, she needs to just face the fact that rejection is an unavoidable part of life, and what she is doing forces you to reject your girlfriend until your wife gets over feeling bad. Her feelings are not your responsibility; she has to take ownership of her own emotional responses!

Furthermore, there is no rule in poly that two partners always have to have other partners to be fair to each other. It isn't a fucking race. I hope she goes to therapy with you, and learns to develop some maturity and confidence. Otherwise, she will always keep knocking you off-balance and making you her doormat whenever she is feeling off-balance and that is just not right.
 
Thanks Nycindie.
I have experienced that a few times already where she documents what I have against what she has. I often refer to my relationship as an open relationship because I do not think this is a poly relationship. We need to strive for each other to be happy and be comfortable with each others relationships for it to be poly.
We did discuss this for a long time before going open again. She had a really nice guy lined up that she was absolutely gaga for and it flopped. I don't think she had even thought of that as a possibility. Things are getting better. We have had some good talks recently.
 
One more KDT26417. I found out that a doctor could prescribe a unicorn. It is called Uniesta. It did come with some warnings.

Uniesta is not for everyone. Do not take Uniesta if you have a heart condition or are taking blood thinners. Some people have experienced serious side effects when taking Uniesta. These include painful swelling of the groin, an inflated ego, lack of sleep, a decrease in healthy bank account levels and divorce. If Uniesta attempts to form a relationship out of the marriage, takes the best spot in the bed or if you experience an erection for more than five hours, stop taking Uniesta immediately and contact your doctor.
Uniesta. Ask your doctor if it is right for you.
 
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