Hi all,
So we started out opening up in June and assuming we'd do threesomes and such, which we did. Discovered polyamory and I'm in a relationship with another man, which is also a D/s relationship. My husband is feeling left out because I'm hesitant now to share lots of details of my sexual relationship with my Dominant, as I feel there's an expectation of privacy, not just for me but for my dom as well. He's been asking more lately when I come home from my dates, "so what did you do?" and at first I was cool sharing but I've been starting to feel like he's digging and I hate feeling that way. I like sharing the cool and new stuff that I'm trying out, because some can cross over into our sex life and and enhance it, and indeed that's happened already.
But he also wants to know things I did that maybe I didn't like, mainly because he says he wants to understand me better. We've been married almost fifteen years and have shared everything and he sees me going through a process of self-discovery and he wants to be my confidant and have me come home excited telling him everything. (He gets turned on hearing the sex stuff, too.) He is also feeling excluded and has said if he were to find out from someone else that I'd tried something and hadn't told him first he'd see that as me not trusting him. He's said that he would feel like I don't trust him or that I'm hiding something and he would see that as cheating. That makes me feel awful, obviously - I just don't feel the need to share details and I feel that my path with my husband is different than the path I'm on with my Dom. Each relationship needs time to grow and discover and try new things, especially since we're delving into kink.
I've told him that I wouldn't expect him to tell me intimate details of his relationships, but would be happy to hear about something that really excited him that he wanted to share with me. I reminded him that his last girlfriend was very upset knowing that he was sharing intimate details of what they were doing in bed together. He was telling me because he wanted to share and I've told him that I just feel happy knowing that he's happy. I don't need the details, unless he wants to share and it's something that he wants me to try.
I told him that I feel like this bud that's beginning to flower and it's as if someone is trying to poke around in it and figure out exactly what's going on, why is it doing what it is, figure out how it works and why it's opening, when the flower itself may not even know, and I don't want the bud to wither and die before fully opening and shining it's light on all the other flowers around it. He says he wants to keep me safe, help me understand what I might be feeling with my Dom because he may be able to shed light, - he's really tearing himself up because he can truly see how my dom and I have an expectation of privacy but he's admitted that he's not sure how he'll get through this one. He also admitted that since he sees my relationship with my Dom as temporary (and yes probably it will only last a few years at most - he's planning to move eventually) and my husband is the 'neverending' one, that he expects more unfettered access to information.
I'm planning to continue to tell him the highlights of my date, and anything special cool that I liked that I think he'd enjoy hearing, but I don't want to be worried that if I don't tell him something he'll think I'm "hiding", "keeping secrets", or not trusting him. There are things I may try that I don't like and wouldn't want to try ever again with anyone and therefore might not tell him, not because I'm ashamed or keeping a secret but because I simply feel as if it's superfluous info that isn't necessary to share.
We really need constructive, sensitive feedback to help us work through this. My husband will be reading this as well. Never once has he suggested we close up our marriage or that I end my relationship with my boyfriend. He just wants to go on this journey with me and is seeing that he really can't - he can only hear about what happens and I'm sure he's feeling unconnected and like he is lacking some control. If I put myself in my shoes, I can see how he may be feeling.
We're in the kink community and he's discovering new things about himself and we're discovering things that we enjoy doing together and I've asked him to focus on the positive path we could enjoy going forward rather than on the negatives. I'm feeling really torn up inside because I feel as though he also doesn't trust me deep down and even if we closed up our marriage, I'm worried about how that will affect us going forward.
So we started out opening up in June and assuming we'd do threesomes and such, which we did. Discovered polyamory and I'm in a relationship with another man, which is also a D/s relationship. My husband is feeling left out because I'm hesitant now to share lots of details of my sexual relationship with my Dominant, as I feel there's an expectation of privacy, not just for me but for my dom as well. He's been asking more lately when I come home from my dates, "so what did you do?" and at first I was cool sharing but I've been starting to feel like he's digging and I hate feeling that way. I like sharing the cool and new stuff that I'm trying out, because some can cross over into our sex life and and enhance it, and indeed that's happened already.
But he also wants to know things I did that maybe I didn't like, mainly because he says he wants to understand me better. We've been married almost fifteen years and have shared everything and he sees me going through a process of self-discovery and he wants to be my confidant and have me come home excited telling him everything. (He gets turned on hearing the sex stuff, too.) He is also feeling excluded and has said if he were to find out from someone else that I'd tried something and hadn't told him first he'd see that as me not trusting him. He's said that he would feel like I don't trust him or that I'm hiding something and he would see that as cheating. That makes me feel awful, obviously - I just don't feel the need to share details and I feel that my path with my husband is different than the path I'm on with my Dom. Each relationship needs time to grow and discover and try new things, especially since we're delving into kink.
I've told him that I wouldn't expect him to tell me intimate details of his relationships, but would be happy to hear about something that really excited him that he wanted to share with me. I reminded him that his last girlfriend was very upset knowing that he was sharing intimate details of what they were doing in bed together. He was telling me because he wanted to share and I've told him that I just feel happy knowing that he's happy. I don't need the details, unless he wants to share and it's something that he wants me to try.
I told him that I feel like this bud that's beginning to flower and it's as if someone is trying to poke around in it and figure out exactly what's going on, why is it doing what it is, figure out how it works and why it's opening, when the flower itself may not even know, and I don't want the bud to wither and die before fully opening and shining it's light on all the other flowers around it. He says he wants to keep me safe, help me understand what I might be feeling with my Dom because he may be able to shed light, - he's really tearing himself up because he can truly see how my dom and I have an expectation of privacy but he's admitted that he's not sure how he'll get through this one. He also admitted that since he sees my relationship with my Dom as temporary (and yes probably it will only last a few years at most - he's planning to move eventually) and my husband is the 'neverending' one, that he expects more unfettered access to information.
I'm planning to continue to tell him the highlights of my date, and anything special cool that I liked that I think he'd enjoy hearing, but I don't want to be worried that if I don't tell him something he'll think I'm "hiding", "keeping secrets", or not trusting him. There are things I may try that I don't like and wouldn't want to try ever again with anyone and therefore might not tell him, not because I'm ashamed or keeping a secret but because I simply feel as if it's superfluous info that isn't necessary to share.
We really need constructive, sensitive feedback to help us work through this. My husband will be reading this as well. Never once has he suggested we close up our marriage or that I end my relationship with my boyfriend. He just wants to go on this journey with me and is seeing that he really can't - he can only hear about what happens and I'm sure he's feeling unconnected and like he is lacking some control. If I put myself in my shoes, I can see how he may be feeling.
We're in the kink community and he's discovering new things about himself and we're discovering things that we enjoy doing together and I've asked him to focus on the positive path we could enjoy going forward rather than on the negatives. I'm feeling really torn up inside because I feel as though he also doesn't trust me deep down and even if we closed up our marriage, I'm worried about how that will affect us going forward.
