Being Monogamous in a Poly relationship

C

caadkiso

New member
I'm a monogamous female considering a poly relationship. I love this man with all my heart, but have often shunned my feelings because of my preconceived notion that a relationship be between two people and two people alone.

Last night, we had a long discussion about this. About where our relationship was going and how we felt about one another. With me ultimately deciding that I would get all the information I can about being in this kind of relationship, and discovering what I want to do from there.

I know it will be difficult, but does anyone have any advice? I just need comfort knowing that this can work, no matter the obstacle.
 
I'm fairly new to poly too! I had thought about it for a long time but my mono partners were pretty closed to the idea.

I found a lot of really good info on http://www.morethantwo.com. It's a super good website and it goes through just about everything. From poly myths, what people assume & do's and don't's.

The best advice I have to offer (from one new poly to another) is that you just do the research and find out what kind of poly relationship (cause there are quite a few different ones!) you and your partner would feel most comfortable in. Then, obviously, discuss it with your partner and set up boundaries and rules that fit both of your needs.

Good luck :) Hopefully someone with more experience can give some more advice too!
 
I'm newish to poly, too. My partner, Blue, is poly. I'm more or less monogamous. Blue & I were in a 6 month triad with Snow (they dated about a month before she & I met. Our relationship started out as friendship but developed into a romantic/sexual relationship.) Since that triad ended, I have been monogamous with Blue. He's been on several dates recently, but hasn't met anyone he's interested in. Since he's not into casual/NSA sex, he's been sexually monogamous with me since Snow moved. Prior to Blue, I had only been in monogamous relationships. I am open to another relationship, if it presents itself... but I"m not actively seeking one. I am perfectly content to just be with Blue long-term (hence the 'more or less' monogamous.)

For me, the keys to making this work are: honest communication, clearly defined boundaries, and keeping in touch with myself and my feelings. I do a lot of reading on poly, boundaries, and relationships. It's not always easy. If I don't stay focused on me, I can quickly get stuck in the 'what if's' and my old insecurities will resurface. Thankfully, Blue is very patient and loving, and shows me through his actions that he values our relationship :) And, I work on me :)

Honestly, my relationship with Blue is the healthiest relationship I've had. I attribute that to communication. While I don't think poly relationships are superior to mono relationships, I do think the level of communication necessary to do poly right makes the relationship much stronger. I found it easier to slack off on the communication in my mono relationships.
 
PinkPig said:
Honestly, my relationship with Blue is the healthiest relationship I've had. I attribute that to communication. While I don't think poly relationships are superior to mono relationships, I do think the level of communication necessary to do poly right makes the relationship much stronger. I found it easier to slack off on the communication in my mono relationships.
Click to expand...

This. I'm very aware that I need open, clear communication between Djinn and I, as well as between Mal and I (and between Mal and Djinn too, though they struggle with that sometimes). I'm MUCH more aware of it in this relationship than in any previous (mono-ish or mono) relationship, and I'm actually really proud of myself for learning to be a more active listener, and a more assertive communicator in general. These are things that I will take away from this relationship even if it ends, and I really appreciate learning them.
 
A few suggestions:
There is a master thread in the Golden Nuggets section. Click on the topics that interest you. Scroll down into the comments section as more members have proposed additional popular topics/threads. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

Try a tag or keyword search for Mono/poly.

Check out YouAreHere's blog "A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")" http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=50295

Good luck! It's a lot to catch up on.
 
Hi caadkiso,
Welcome.

So, I'm curious; your thread/OP title is "Being Monogamous in a Poly relationship" ... Do you mean that only one of you will be practicing polyamory?

I can give you some beginner's advice, and I can assure you poly can work, in many situations ... but I can't assure you that there's a foolproof way to make poly work every time. Sometimes people just aren't a good fit for poly, and that can't be helped.

There are two books/websites you should look into:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
And not to state the obvious, but Polyamory.com itself is a valuable resource, for beginners and veterans alike. You should explore this site thoroughly, see what calls to you, and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns along the way.

All that should (hopefully) be enough to get you started.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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