JillSummers
Member
Yes good idea! I'll look into that for sure, thanks for all your input today
anything else you can think of please let me know
Polyamory HOUSE - Would you live here?
- Thread starter JillSummers
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anything else you can think of please let me know
Bluebird
Well-known member
I live with my 2 partners already. I wouldn't really enjoy living with a huge group of people, with the only common denominator being poly. I've met plenty of poly people, and just because I love more, doesn't mean I love everyone! In theory it sounds great, but I think I'd not be an early adopter - I'd want to make sure things were stable before making a move like that.
opalescent
Active member
I'm interested in cohousing - it's an intentional community where people have their own private space as well as common space, like a large commercial kitchen where the community can have meals together. Sometimes the cohousing is in the form of a condo or apartment building, sometimes groups of houses, or town houses. I have not heard of one dedicated to polyamory.
Halcyeus
New member
Interesting idea. That sort of thing is what I dream about, as an ideal. If something like that was happening locally I could see myself trying it out, though I'd also make sure I could leave with relative ease if it was going badly.
With the plan as it is on your website you say about thirty people could be housed. That is a huge number! The more people you add, the more exponentially complicated it will get with the ensuing pockets of chaos getting larger too. Be forewarned!
For three years I lived in a house with four others. You could also partially count drop-in boyfriends, girlfriends and others who were there for the social stuff. We were all just renters of a new house who turned out to be poly (though inexperienced). We didn't plan on having a poly/relationship-chaos house. It sort of happened by itself. None of us had kids, pets and were all about the same age. Although I loved it I was meditating a lot at the time so the interpersonal strife didn't hit me as hard as it could have done. I was also accustomed to living in large houses with diverse people. Most people didn't grow up in such circumstances. While I flourished, most just got by and some hated it. It became a high-stress hell for one girl.
A long running feud arose and ended up pulling everyone in, in one way or another. Mental illness was a factor in troubles some had, made worse because of lack of experience in how to handle such things. Addiction caused a big problem in one person's case. Enormous amounts of time & energy seemed to go into dealing with domestic issues like cleaning, cooking, food and noise management. Handling money as a group for the things we all shared was a hugely knotty thing to deal with. No one ever got their own way to satisfaction about anything. Everyone had to compromise to an extent pretty much all the time, whether they liked it or not. A big part of that was people being given roles they didn't want because they were seen by the majority of the group as the natural candidate.
Personal space mattered a great deal. All five of us had our own separate rooms yet with lovers and friends often wanting to be there with us it was rare there was any peace and quiet. Jealousy, heart-break and feeling left out on occasion were elements of living there that made up a lot of the background and foreground emotion.
I'll say it again, thirty people is huge! Much, much easier to plan something smaller with people you already know well, so are prepared to take on their needs and manage their dark sides.
With the plan as it is on your website you say about thirty people could be housed. That is a huge number! The more people you add, the more exponentially complicated it will get with the ensuing pockets of chaos getting larger too. Be forewarned!
For three years I lived in a house with four others. You could also partially count drop-in boyfriends, girlfriends and others who were there for the social stuff. We were all just renters of a new house who turned out to be poly (though inexperienced). We didn't plan on having a poly/relationship-chaos house. It sort of happened by itself. None of us had kids, pets and were all about the same age. Although I loved it I was meditating a lot at the time so the interpersonal strife didn't hit me as hard as it could have done. I was also accustomed to living in large houses with diverse people. Most people didn't grow up in such circumstances. While I flourished, most just got by and some hated it. It became a high-stress hell for one girl.
A long running feud arose and ended up pulling everyone in, in one way or another. Mental illness was a factor in troubles some had, made worse because of lack of experience in how to handle such things. Addiction caused a big problem in one person's case. Enormous amounts of time & energy seemed to go into dealing with domestic issues like cleaning, cooking, food and noise management. Handling money as a group for the things we all shared was a hugely knotty thing to deal with. No one ever got their own way to satisfaction about anything. Everyone had to compromise to an extent pretty much all the time, whether they liked it or not. A big part of that was people being given roles they didn't want because they were seen by the majority of the group as the natural candidate.
Personal space mattered a great deal. All five of us had our own separate rooms yet with lovers and friends often wanting to be there with us it was rare there was any peace and quiet. Jealousy, heart-break and feeling left out on occasion were elements of living there that made up a lot of the background and foreground emotion.
I'll say it again, thirty people is huge! Much, much easier to plan something smaller with people you already know well, so are prepared to take on their needs and manage their dark sides.
JillSummers
Member
I would welcome children absolutely, I hadn't thought about an age range initially but I guess we all want to live differently at different times of our lives so I may have to think harder on that as others have quoted concerns on this thread.
JillSummers
Member
I understand your concerns especially if you are already are set up just the way you like it
JillSummers
Member
WOW! Thanks for that, you have lived it and come out the other side with some real first hand knowledge! I thought with 30 people chipping in we could get a mansion so pleanty of space for everyone so no one gets under each others feet but I guess the same could work for 20 or even 15 but by the sounds of your experience that could be too huge too!? Great advice though and definitely loads to take into account today! Thank you! Jill
JillSummers
Member
Yes that could be an option too, there seems to be plenty of warnings re housing everyone under one roof to cosider! Thanks for your input. Jill
JillSummers
Member
I think you could have a point there, I would like all rooms to be en suite and even some facilities in each room (which ideally would be like a self contained apartment) A massive kitchen where people could buy their own food or team up with a few others if they wish and all bills included in rent so people don't worry about it maybe? I let rooms out in house shares at the moment and find chargiing for bills in the rent works well even if i'm more out of pocket. Thanks for that Jill
Jill
Halcyeus
New member
Oh, no problem! I highlighted the problems most of all. It was better than that description I gave would make it sound. As I briefly mentioned in that post, for me personally it was a great thing.
I think larger numbers of people could work out well enough, given the right circumstances. If I try to imagine how I'd organise a house with large numbers of people, which admittedly would be a bit strange since I am strange person, part of it would be being strict and cautious about who I'd let in, horrible as that is to have to do. The criteria and screening would be vital. For a polyamory house I believe that a lot is going to depend upon people's social skills, openness, aggreeableness, capacity for empathy and experience in managing their own emotional ups and downs. If one or two people who have personalities falling into the dark triad got in, all manner of trouble could crop up. Screening for those traits is particularly difficult since our culture often admires them, even encourages them in some ways, so we can be blind to them. Also, those possessing them can be expert at giving a seductively good first impressions. Yeh. That would actually be my primary concern.
JillSummers
Member
Thank you and I totally agree with the screening process, fortunately I have some serious interview skills under my belt so could find out what I needed (even if they are trying to hide traits etc), I', starting to get a but of a picture now of how to go about this but it's only the start! All good fun though and I'm not put off at all! Thanks again, extremely valuable input! Jill
Hi Jill,
Too bad the poll doesn't allow a ranking from one to ten, with one being least important and ten being most important. Barring that, I just arbitrarily voted for the three most important things (what I thought was most important). Ideally, I'd arrange everything as follows:
The proposed house seems like a fit either for several small poly units, or for one large poly unit. By "small" I mean V's and triads. By "large" I mean an intimate network if you will.
For small poly units, I'd suggest a house that was divided into several smaller houses, kind of like a condo complex. For a large poly unit, the house would have more open/shared spaces (but I'd still advise private bed/bath units for the more introverted residents).
It's possible that one or more such houses already exist, but probably not very many. A big loving commune setting sounds quite ideal, but in reality I think it would be hard to get a bunch of people to agree on one location, as well as on other details and even the general idea of sharing such a house.
Hope that input helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Too bad the poll doesn't allow a ranking from one to ten, with one being least important and ten being most important. Barring that, I just arbitrarily voted for the three most important things (what I thought was most important). Ideally, I'd arrange everything as follows:
- ten (most important): Peaceful Environment (50%)
- nine: Friendly House Mates (16%)
- eight: Open Discussions (12%)
- seven: Communal Activites (6%)
- six: Open Parties (5%)
- five: Shared Food (4%)
- four: Swimming Pool (3%)
- three: Sports Activites (2%)
- two: City Location (1%)
- one (least important): Suburban Location (1%)
The proposed house seems like a fit either for several small poly units, or for one large poly unit. By "small" I mean V's and triads. By "large" I mean an intimate network if you will.
For small poly units, I'd suggest a house that was divided into several smaller houses, kind of like a condo complex. For a large poly unit, the house would have more open/shared spaces (but I'd still advise private bed/bath units for the more introverted residents).
It's possible that one or more such houses already exist, but probably not very many. A big loving commune setting sounds quite ideal, but in reality I think it would be hard to get a bunch of people to agree on one location, as well as on other details and even the general idea of sharing such a house.
Hope that input helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
polychronopolous
New member
Nothing, short of a fire in which every other house on earth burned to the ground, would make the idea of a (insert any title) House appealing. It sounds like either communal living (which I endured my entire childhood), or reality tv (worse than a childhood in communal living).
Sounds cynical, and probably is, but for good reason.
Sounds cynical, and probably is, but for good reason.
IndieSolo
Active member
Do you realize how huge the bills would be for water, gas, and electric if there were all these kitchens in suites inside a big mansion? Never mind the increased chances for someone to burn the place down or blow it up! All those kitchens! And everyone gets their own bathroom, I assume. The water bill, clogged toilets, clogged drains - maintenance costs would be a bitch. And what about the grounds, the boilers, the roof, windows, the upkeep of the building itself? Plus, a mansion - why? Do you have any idea how much real estate costs? And property taxes?
Even with 30 people, each person would have to contribute quite a chunk.
Most intentional communities or co-housing developments establish a Trust and have someone in charge of investments, and also require all members to contribute sweat equity, such as tending to communal vegetable gardens or some sort of income-earning enterprise, stuff like that.
Even with 30 people, each person would have to contribute quite a chunk.
Most intentional communities or co-housing developments establish a Trust and have someone in charge of investments, and also require all members to contribute sweat equity, such as tending to communal vegetable gardens or some sort of income-earning enterprise, stuff like that.
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Here's another thought...
What if the interested people meet and gather, and if they get along, just agree to take their own leases and live in the same apartment complex? Then ALL the headache of apartment maintenance and leases and so on is on the management company of the complex. Who is trained/prepared to do so. Any bill paying -- each tenant(s) in an apartment deals with their own. If they don't pay it, it's not anyone else's problem but those living in that unit.
The group is free to plan (social lives/sports activities/grocery trips and food sharing/discussion group stuff) for themselves. Then group organization is reduced to something more manageable to start.
Galagirl
What if the interested people meet and gather, and if they get along, just agree to take their own leases and live in the same apartment complex? Then ALL the headache of apartment maintenance and leases and so on is on the management company of the complex. Who is trained/prepared to do so. Any bill paying -- each tenant(s) in an apartment deals with their own. If they don't pay it, it's not anyone else's problem but those living in that unit.
The group is free to plan (social lives/sports activities/grocery trips and food sharing/discussion group stuff) for themselves. Then group organization is reduced to something more manageable to start.
Galagirl
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JillSummers
Member
Thanks for your poll Kevin, I think the poll is wrong anyway, there are far more concerns it seems than having a pool lol. I'm getting there with the plans though but thanks for input
JillSummers
Member
I was starting to think along the same lines as you here, whatever happens it will be best to minimise headaches for tennants. Thanks again
JillSummers
Member
This can all be managed and is not a concern of mine at all! I already do this and include all bills and make a profit, this community will be non profit if I do it myself so shouldn't be a problem if we mark up 10 or 20% to cover unforceen expenses.
PinkPig
Well-known member
I might have enjoyed this for a fixed amount of time when I was your age. Now, in my 40s, not so much. Living as a family unit with Blue and a metamour or two is appealing to me. (Think 4-5 adults max.)
My ex-h has a friend who lived communally for a year. In his case, the commune was in an old camp ground. Each couple had their own cabin, complete with bathroom and kitchen. The campground included an outdoor ampi-theater and a large mess hall for group activities. If I had to live communally, that's how I'd want to do it - shared spaces but everyone gets their own detached unit.
My ex-h has a friend who lived communally for a year. In his case, the commune was in an old camp ground. Each couple had their own cabin, complete with bathroom and kitchen. The campground included an outdoor ampi-theater and a large mess hall for group activities. If I had to live communally, that's how I'd want to do it - shared spaces but everyone gets their own detached unit.
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