If I remember rightly, she expresses what you label "disrespect" by refusing to compromise on things like when she contacts him. I know others have rightly said that it's up to your partner to control that.
I really thought I replied to you - I apologize!
Yes, and we agreed on some guidelines for that. Time will tell how well he sticks to it, but so far he's agreed.
I can't help thinking that your discomfort with polyamory is a big part of this too, though. You make these distinctions between relationships that perhaps they don't subscribe to. It's probably true that he doesn't view her as a primary partner and his feelings for you are more traditional than his feelings for her. I don't necessarily believe that makes you a lot more significant than her in the way that you do. How you describe their relationship is what a lot of my poly friends would label a "secondary relationship". Others who are more mono normative or simply feel that they need that sense of all round partnership in their boy/girlfriends would call it "friend with benefits". I understand that sometimes people rely on these distinctions as a way of coping with polyamory, however, it can cause miscommunication and hurt when it becomes clear through actions that people aren't willing or simply cannot stick to these rigid boxes.
I'm not sure I agree w. that sentiment and here's why:
1) we don't use primary/secondary, so I tried to make clear that it might be a distinction that others make about our relationship situation but that we don't.
2) FWB is actually something he for some reason doesn't find to be a harsh designation. I pointed out to him that most people find that a pretty harsh designation. He's since removed it from use; she's more of a close&intimate friend to him.
It is really tough I think for others to understand that I am not comfortable with polyamory for myself but that I am not as phased by it with others. I'm not uncomfortable with my partner having other relationships; I'm uncomfortable with him having a lot of sexual partners concurrently (that talk has been over and done with), I'm uncomfortable with taking on another relationship myself, but he having another partner - I'm not in and of itself uncomfortable with that.
Of note: my metamour's husband is in a far more difficult family situation re: poly than I am. He comes from a religious background and I believe they are completely in the closet with them.
Kit is actually the one who decided that he needed to tell Letty that I am a bigger part of his life than she realizes. And I was relieved, at first, because I felt like he was rebuffing a lot of problems by just not being honest (by means of non-disclosure) with her that we have stepped our relationship up to a higher level.
Personally, I wouldn't be with someone who didn't respect my other relationships and said as much. I know other people aren't as concerned about their feelings as long as their actions aren't intrusive or harmful. You know, the reason she may not respect your relationship with him is because she knows you'd prefer to be a monogamous relationship with him and she might feel that is disrespectful to their relationship and not conducive to what he ultimately wants, ie a polyamorous relationship.
I wouldn't say that I would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship with him. That would be easier in some ways, but also, I know that she has a role in his life that I cannot replicate. I will not try to fill that role. They have a friendship that has developed over years. Ours has a romantic quality that she cannot replicate. We have very different roles with my partner and I am very accepting of hers.
When I first got involved, I wanted to get to know her. We did end up meeting, but it was because my partner had told her that she needed to change something and start accepting me as part of his life, and stop creating problems around me. We had a great time, but that was a few months ago and it's apparently faded. I wasn't aware of her feelings about us until recently. I was going along just fine.
So I do think a lot of folks here are right. He didn't need to make me aware.
I have to also state that I wouldn't keep a partner who felt like you do about polyamory either. Especially if I was the liberal type of polyamorist like he seems to be.
And that's your right... what do you mean, liberal type of polyamorist?
I don't think there is anything more that you can do other than respect their time together in the way you want her to. I think if these relationships are going to continue, your partner needs to make sure there is no "leakage" from one relationship to the other. If he wants to keep a partner that has no respect for his other relationship(s), he can't share their feelings with you and you can t ask. He has to ensure he isn't spending a lot of time communicating with her during your time and vice versa.
But that's the thing, I do respect their time together. My "other" relationship is my work. I date my work! He does too, haha. She's a coworker. No, but really. I keep myself occupied with my rich social life and the additional work I take on to add to my savings and because I enjoy it.
You're right though, he needs clearer boundaries about communication and not letting us bleed over. The more I think about it and look back on my journals, the more I see that we have not kept up on this the way we should have back when I first asked for better non-disclosure.
