Texting my metamour while we're together & other communication things

H

hislittlekitten

New member
I have long had this annoyance that ebbs and flows with my boyfriend. He is attached to his phone and it's become something that bothers me a lot.

I've talked to him about it and brought it up again today, and he says he will do better, but I'm wondering what opinion you all have on this.

Basically I asked that my boyfriend not be texting his other partner while we're together. That he tell her he's busy and that he will talk to her later. He sometimes leaves messages unanswered for hours, which is fine, except he hasn't clarified that he's busy with the other woman and it would be nice if he does that. He's done that to the both of us, and all I ask is that he tells me he will be occupied until whenever and that he'll message me then.

I don't know if he really liked this request. I told him that I'd rather not be messaging him while he's with her, but that it doesn't seem like I get the same courtesy. I know for a fact that I don't get the same courtesy; she's always messaging him while we're together, and I know that she doesn't like it when he's messaging me while they're together.

Any advice? Thoughts? Do you have practices in place that are aimed at devoting the time you have with someone to just them? Because I feel that this is what it's about - that it's his time with me, my time with him, and that if he wanted to be talking with her he should just be doing that while he's with her, not taking up time distracting himself from me by texting her. It seems like just a polite way to handle things, in my opinion.
 
Ive requested of sam when he's going to be MIA to give me a courtesy text "hey I won't be able to respond to calls or texts for awhile but ill call when im done" just this morning he let me know he'd be napping.

I think your bf could do that, id be really annoyed to be ignored for hours on end and not know why
 
It doesn't bother me when nate texts his fuck buddies when we are together, likewise I text sam all the time when nate ad I are together and it doesn't bother nate
 
I text Mal whenever I think of something I want to say to him. I trust him to respond to me as soon as he's able. He might be working, with The Kids, with Djinn, or just otherwise out of touch. It's up to him to prioritise.

I have no problem with him texting, or talking with Djinn when he is with me. I know she wouldn't be calling and he wouldn't be responding to texts if it wasn't important. In fact last time he was here I made a point of setting time aside for him to do that.

If it became intrusive I'd probably talk to him about it, but it hasn't yet :)
 
Hi hislittlekitten,

Considering that Letty is a bit of a problem, I don't see the harm in setting some guidelines around texting. I would say the first time she texts him while he's with you, he should text back, "Can't talk right now. Will get back to you." Then delay answering any other texts she sends until after his time with you is done.

I don't personally have any rules about texting, because I deplore texting itself, and people know that, so they don't send me texts. But I do think basic courtesy is important even when you do text.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
A2Poly said:
I text Mal whenever I think of something I want to say to him. I trust him to respond to me as soon as he's able. He might be working, with The Kids, with Djinn, or just otherwise out of touch. It's up to him to prioritise.

I have no problem with him texting, or talking with Djinn when he is with me. I know she wouldn't be calling and he wouldn't be responding to texts if it wasn't important. In fact last time he was here I made a point of setting time aside for him to do that.

If it became intrusive I'd probably talk to him about it, but it hasn't yet :)
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Yeah, I guess it's important to note that it isn't just "send a message," it's sometime long, drawn-out conversations, frequently checking his phone, etc. I find it to be a little intrusive. The last time we talked about this and the last time it was a big issue was when he was checking his OKCupid while I was undressing him (after he asked me to come over and have sex). This was a while ago and we got through this - he's also stopped looking for additional partners - but wow, was it a problem at that point.

And no, it isn't all that important usually. Or it's her relationship problems with her husband or her needing support, which is not the kind of important that should interrupt my time with him because I am important too.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi hislittlekitten,

Considering that Letty is a bit of a problem, I don't see the harm in setting some guidelines around texting. I would say the first time she texts him while he's with you, he should text back, "Can't talk right now. Will get back to you." Then delay answering any other texts she sends until after his time with you is done.

I don't personally have any rules about texting, because I deplore texting itself, and people know that, so they don't send me texts. But I do think basic courtesy is important even when you do text.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thanks! I think that sounds reasonable.
 
Inyourendo said:
It doesn't bother me when nate texts his fuck buddies when we are together, likewise I text sam all the time when nate ad I are together and it doesn't bother nate
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Well... she doesn't like him texting me when they're together. So that changes things, right?
 
hislittlekitten said:
Well... she doesn't like him texting me when they're together. So that changes things, right?
Click to expand...

Oh certainly tit for tat if she wants to play those kinda games I would eat it right back to her you're not allowed to text him when she's with her you bet your ass I'm not going to allow her to text him when he's with me you're certainly within your rights
 
This thread is helpful for me because I have this problem as well. My partner is in NRE with his new girlfriend and they’re constantly texting each other.

I don’t text him when they’re together because I don’t like when it happens to me and I think it would be selfish of me to disrupt their time together.

I understand that he needs to be able to text her when he’s at home, and when he’s home I’m often around, but there are certain times when you just don’t answer a text from your girlfriend when you’re with your wife, just as there are certain times when you don’t answer a text from your wife when you’re with your girlfriend. ;)


kdt26417 said:
Hi hislittlekitten,

I don't see the harm in setting some guidelines around texting. I would say the first time she texts him while he's with you, he should text back, "Can't talk right now. Will get back to you." Then delay answering any other texts she sends until after his time with you is done.

Kevin T.
Click to expand...

I don’t think you’re wrong to ask for this courtesy.

Personally, I’d prefer if guidelines weren’t needed and everyone could just be more considerate of one another’s feelings. (Especially because you've already expressed your concerns.)
 
In NRE, texting is often out of control.
 
It's definitely rude of him to spend all your time together having in-depth textversations with others. And okc while he's actually getting it on? Puh-leeze!

What redeeming qualities does this guy actually have that he's getting away with this crap?

Answering the odd text or two when you're with someone, maybe taking a rare phone call, ok. Then I would have thought you silly for making such a big deal. But with the extremes he's going to, I just think you're silly for putting up with it.
 
communication is necessary for us in our triad. It is not fair for me to tell anyone not to text/chat/leave messages/send pictures just because I am feeling neglected. That is all me if I am feeling that. If I was in a mono relationship and texting my love, and someone said to me "you are texting too much" I would eat their face off. I cannot make the decision what is important to them, just like they cannot tell me the same thing. If this woman is bothered by him communicating with you, then you should talk to the both of them and figure that out.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
It's definitely rude of him to spend all your time together having in-depth textversations with others. And okc while he's actually getting it on? Puh-leeze!

What redeeming qualities does this guy actually have that he's getting away with this crap?

Answering the odd text or two when you're with someone, maybe taking a rare phone call, ok. Then I would have thought you silly for making such a big deal. But with the extremes he's going to, I just think you're silly for putting up with it.
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The OKC thing got squashed right away.

It took a few instances of my metamour taking him almost entirely away from our night for it to become a discussion between us. I am not tolerating it happening again. On top of that, it was her marital problems (not his problem!) and also her criticisms of him (apparently she was also degrading him over whatever she felt was wrong). Not just "hey, how's your evening?" Or "by the way I figured out our plans for next date." Nothing simple like that. At one point he was gone for half an hour. So I stood up and said I'm not ok with that. Ever again. And that he needs to lay down the law and tell her so.

Which he did... yet I know she still texts him while she knows he's with me. He so far is doing better. I'm hoping that because I don't text him incessantly while he's with her that it still set a standard.

Occasional texting is ok. But when I'm also told that my metamour isn't OK with me texting (and I don't mean novels of problems), then that's a double standard.
 
Whiskeyginger said:
communication is necessary for us in our triad. It is not fair for me to tell anyone not to text/chat/leave messages/send pictures just because I am feeling neglected. That is all me if I am feeling that. If I was in a mono relationship and texting my love, and someone said to me "you are texting too much" I would eat their face off. I cannot make the decision what is important to them, just like they cannot tell me the same thing. If this woman is bothered by him communicating with you, then you should talk to the both of them and figure that out.
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I have no lines of communication with her. We met up a few months ago and I offered a line of communication at one point, but then she told him it upset her.

I don't mind him answering a text here and there. What I mind is it being constant. And even when she knows we are spending an evening together, always bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz with things that aren't important. We each take time to answer messages before bed. That's when he should be answering her and it's when she should expect it.
 
Yeah i think if he's that preoccupied with her problems and refuses to get off the phone I'd ask him to leave and take a recheck for another night. I see no point in having him there if he's ignoring you
 
Modified suggestion: The first time she texts him while he's with you, he should text back, "Can't talk right now. Will get back to you." Then he should turn his phone off until before bed (or until after his time with you is done). This will prevent repeated instances of bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz.
 
Or, if other things prevent him from turning his phone off, putting it on silent and checking it when there's down time (either in the bathroom, if you guys go out somewhere and one goes to get the car and the other waits, etc.). That'll give him chance to reply and keep the bzzzz bzzzz down.
 
When real stays with me we have a semi scheduled text break to answer messages at his kids bedtime. We use fifteenth messaging services for unimportant trivial convo so the alerts are different sounds. That way we know the bike sounds mean important while that water drops are simple things. Of course lady respects that and so only use important sounds for important stuff. Is that something your meta would do?
 
Does silent mode prevent the phone from vibrating? Just curious ...
 
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