Wearing a ring

P

PollyBolly

New member
Hey All,

So it looks like I'll be a secondary relationship to a man in a married couple. I'm completely new to all of this although I have quite a few poly friends.

I'm am fine so far about things but one question has popped up in my head. To the married polys, when you are with your secondary relationship, do you wear your wedding ring? I feel a bit uncomfortable being publicly amorous with someone who is wearing a ring since I'm not feel a bit "other woman".

Any thoughts?

Also since on the topic. If you meet friends of your secondary are you open with being married?
 
I had stopped wearing a ring when I got pg and continued not wearing it because I wanted to be more approachable if I met someone at school. When I got with my boyfriend and I was "off the market " I bought a pretty band that looks like willow branch. I wear it to symbolize that I'm not available, its not a symbol of my marriage.

My husband has a tattoo ring so that's not going anywhere. But even so he doesn't have a secondary partner as he's only interested in having a sexual friendship
 
I have jewellery which as sentimental to me as a wedding ring. It is symbolic of the commitment I share with a person. I would never remove my jewellery to sate another partner. If they accept me as polyamorous, then they wouldn't require it.

I'd find it very strange if I met the friend's of a secondary partner and they didn't know that I was already attached. I generally date people who are comfortable with polyamory and who have a poly friendly network.
 
My boyfriend is a co primary and me being married doesn't matter. All of Sam's family know I'm married and many of his friends know but unless there's a reason for it to come up I don't see the point of disclosing it. Like he told someone I was married because they were asking why I wasn't helping with living expenses, he had to explain that I am married and have to maintain my own house
 
Interesting. I'm still not sure about all of this. It isn't intended to be a long term relationship. I haven't been in one in a while and I miss them but for reasons too long to get into, I don't see myself finding the one I want to build my life with (I'm monogamus) coming in anytime soon. This is more of a temporary arrangement/less deep involvement and I don't see myself being in this lifestyle after it's over.

For me seeing a ring on a man is the exact symbol I look for to let me know he is off limits to me immediately. I have a visceral reaction to it. Not to mention that feeling is compounded with PDA. As I said I feel like the "other woman" as in a mistress more than a second because of that.

Regarding my question about friends. I'm just a private person and my friends know varying details of my life and I'm just thinking about if I wanted him to be my date somewhere. I don't want to get into a conversation about why he has a ring. Again with is not a permanent situation for me or an expected ongoing lifestyle, so maybe that's why I seem to see if differently than you.
 
Real goes through periods where he wears his ring and sometimes periods when he doesn't. I never notice. And honestly most people don't notice either. Or they don't care. Or they are too polite to say if they don't approve. I mean really how often do you check out someone's ring finger if they are out in public with a date?
 
If him wearing his ring makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should just ask him about it. I doubt that the thought of taking it off has even crossed his mind though, and as other married posters have already said, it may be something that he's unwilling to do for your comfort. It's certainly not the 'standard practise' for married folk who are in poly relationships, since the whole point of being open and honest is that you are NOT a secret to his wife, or thought to be the 'other woman' to anyone else in his life.

As far as your friends go, if you are asking him to pretend that he's not married then I think that will lead to trouble in the long run. What if one of your friends sees him out with his wife/family? Would they cause a scene? Accuse him of cheating on you? Certainly, I would never agree to pretend you were my only lover to your friends and family. I hear you saying that you don't see this as a long-term option for you and that you would ultimately prefer a monogamous relationship. I have to ask, why even get involved with this guy if it looks like you are already struggling to overcome these incompatibilities? You might just be happier if you were casually dating a man who is not married/partnered. At least then you wouldn't need to keep him a secret from your friends, or get him to help you to lie to them about who he is.
 
I feel a bit uncomfortable being publicly amorous with someone who is wearing a ring since I'm not feel a bit "other woman".
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Is this the main thing?

Would asking him if he's willing to remove it and him doing so help dispel the feeling? (Keeping in mind he may decline your request.)

Would YOU wearing a ring help dispel the feeling?

Or not engaging in public displays of affection with him help dispel the feeling?

Or not dating married people -- even if they are available for poly dating -- help dispel the feeling?

I think this is one of those where you have to decide where you draw your comfort line.

Galagirl
 
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Well first that is what I wanted to know regarding standard practice. My main thing is I don't know what to expect. We've just gone on one date and decided to continue. I have no problem speaking with him about this when we next meet but I am more the type to research and understand things before I discuss a topic so I'm from a more informed place regarding what is typical and not. What the general rules are.

That said, because it's in the beginning I prefer to pay attention to any reactions I have to make sure that I can deal with this. I know the question is why would I pursue this type of relationship if it is meant to be temporary and an anomaly in my life. I appreciate the question but I'd rather not go into that explanation. Also, I'm just trying to understand how this works.

My issue is somewhat around what you said mainly GG. I am repelled by the sight of a ring. In my life I have always cut off men the moment I find out they are in a relationship and the ring is a symbol of a man to avoid. I will not be someones cheat. That said, this set up doesn't bother me at all because cheating isn't occurring. But when I saw the ring I have a response like I'm an affair. It's literally just the ring. Yes I'm concerned about how others see me in public being with a guy with a ring but that concern is tied to my own issue with it.

I will ask him about it but my point here was really to find out what the tendency was.

On a side note. It appears that most of you are very out and open in general. I'm not as I'm a generally private person, so understand if you don't get why I would be concern about family/friends/acquaintances, then it might be a difference of personality. I would mainly (if at all) be interested in bringing him as a date to a function lets say where I may see someone I know. I just don't want to answer questions. With a ring, lots of questions vs. without a ring and me being able to respond, oh just some guy I'm seeing and leave it at that. And yes maybe it's just the people I know but we are trained to look for a man's ring pretty immediately so it wouldn't go unnoticed.

Thanks for your replies! I appreciate it.
 
No joke. Actual suggestion. Because when I was in my 20s I would do the same thing -- wear a CZ engagement ring when I didn't want people asking me out.

So utilizing another ring now when out with married dude to stop people asking you things? Sounds like an option to me. (Assuming married dude is ok with it.)

You seem to want to NOT be asked questions. So... just throwing out another idea to consider to help solve the problem.

Galagirl
 
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Hello there!

I have always worn my ring because I love my ring AND what it symbolizes between me and my beloved. I am attracted to people already in this lifestyle and being open-minded is a requirement. If my ring bothers potential partners then that is their problem, not mine :p

As far as being seen in public, I wore my wedding set on a weekend trip with an ex-lover for the duration of the weekend. We went to a theme park, bars, restaurant, etc. I don't care what people make of it. It isn't about them.
 
GalaGirl said:
No joke. Actual suggestion. Because when I was in my 20s I would do the same thing -- wear a CZ engagement ring when I didn't want people asking me out.

So utilizing another ring now when out with married dude to stop people asking you things? Sounds like an option to me. (Assuming married dude is ok with it.)

You seem to want to NOT be asked questions. So... just throwing out another idea to consider to help solve the problem.

Galagirl
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Oh I know it was a suggestion. I just wanted to share that (also because I know my post come off very closed or serious so I wanted to throw out a little personality). It's a plausible suggestion. I'm just not sure. I guess that's an option to toss around when we do talk.

I don't mind being asked questions about the actual topic, I just didn't want to go into the why I'm deciding to pursue this relationship at all train. That's all.

ETA: I totally misunderstood that last line and thought you meant within the thread. You're right, lol I don't want questions. Or at least random questions from people who don't know me well and are being nosy which a lot of people are in my world, surprisingly. I don't want to lie but I don't think most people need to know about certain aspect of my life you know? When you do something out of the typical people notice and ask/gossip. It's a very odd thing to me because I don't do that but hey, people are different.
 
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goddess1337 said:
Hello there!

I have always worn my ring because I love my ring AND what it symbolizes between me and my beloved. I am attracted to people already in this lifestyle and being open-minded is a requirement. If my ring bothers potential partners then that is their problem, not mine :p

As far as being seen in public, I wore my wedding set on a weekend trip with an ex-lover for the duration of the weekend. We went to a theme park, bars, restaurant, etc. I don't care what people make of it. It isn't about them.
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Fair enough and makes total sense. I'm wondering how the partners feel about it. I'm not sure if you were inferring this but just in case, I wanted to say that I don't think I'm being NOT open-minded. Just private.
 
My apologies if I came across as anything but sincere and helpful! I may have misunderstood, read: did not read the post carefully/correctly.

Neither my husband nor my respective partners ever communicated an issue with my rings. One man I was seeing would leave his wedding band in his truck. I only discovered that after I found out he was married and just cheating on his wife :(

One of my partners wore his wedding band while with me.

I am interested in seeing what other people's experiences are. Mine seems all over the place.
 
PollyBolly said:
Oh I know it was a suggestion. I just wanted to share that (also because I know my post come off very closed or serious so I wanted to throw out a little personality). It's a plausible suggestion. I'm just not sure. I guess that's an option to toss around when we do talk.

I don't mind being asked questions about the actual topic, I just didn't want to go into the why I'm deciding to pursue this relationship at all train. That's all.

ETA: I totally misunderstood that last line and thought you meant within the thread. You're right, lol I don't want questions. Or at least random questions from people who don't know me well and are being nosy which a lot of people are in my world, surprisingly. I don't want to lie but I don't think most people need to know about certain aspect of my life you know? When you do something out of the typical people notice and ask/gossip. It's a very odd thing to me because I don't do that but hey, people are different.
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I understand how you feel and have been there many times, and still occasionally struggle with it.

But.

When you find yourself wanting to hide something, that is usually because it has a shameful or evil root. Truth and Love are usually concepts that one wants to shout from the rooftop.

I use the desire to hide as a barometer for knowing when I am, and when I am not, keeping a true course in life.
 
goddess1337 said:
My apologies if I came across as anything but sincere and helpful! I may have misunderstood, read: did not read the post carefully/correctly.

Neither my husband nor my respective partners ever communicated an issue with my rings. One man I was seeing would leave his wedding band in his truck. I only discovered that after I found out he was married and just cheating on his wife :(

One of my partners wore his wedding band while with me.

I am interested in seeing what other people's experiences are. Mine seems all over the place.
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My tone always sounds very blunt when I write which is so opposite my actual tone but I don't know how to fix that lol. I didn't think you came off attacking or negatively I just wanted to address that because as I said, you all seem so open with your lives and I've just never been that way so I just wanted to repeat that because I think it's very easy to misunderstand something when you're coming from two directions, you know. No worries AT ALL.

That's interesting though, that's for sharing. I'm curious too. My researcher brain.
 
PollyBolly said:
Hey All,

So it looks like I'll be a secondary relationship to a man in a married couple. I'm completely new to all of this although I have quite a few poly friends.

I'm am fine so far about things but one question has popped up in my head. To the married polys, when you are with your secondary relationship, do you wear your wedding ring? I feel a bit uncomfortable being publicly amorous with someone who is wearing a ring since I'm not feel a bit "other woman".

Any thoughts?

Also since on the topic. If you meet friends of your secondary are you open with being married?
Click to expand...

My partner chose not to wear his wedding ring, for fear of people thinking we were cheating. I'd highly recommend always putting trying in a very safe place so it's not lost.

However he gave me a pendant. I wear it always, because no outsideknows what it means. But any one I'm dating knows and understands.
 
AphroditeGoneAwry said:
I understand how you feel and have been there many times, and still occasionally struggle with it.

But.

When you find yourself wanting to hide something, that is usually because it has a shameful or evil root. Truth and Love are usually concepts that one wants to shout from the rooftop.

I use the desire to hide as a barometer for knowing when I am, and when I am not, keeping a true course in life.
Click to expand...

I totally get you. I grew up being a very "different" person who always went against the grain. For a long time I silenced myself because I was tired of butting against more conservative/traditional mindsets. Tired, drained, hurt etc.

Now I realized that yes I shouldn't have to hide myself but what I am very very much not interested in is justifying or arguing any point about what I choose to do and a lot of people have a lot of opinions. They are welcome to have them but as I say people don't have an automatic right to you life nor to judge it. I could be out and telling everybody and be an open book but to be honest, it doesn't make sense to me. The only people I care about having opinions from, I'll tell. I don't have the energy to waste on the others, if you get what I mean.
 
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