Husband into younger women

R

Rosesarered

New member
My husband/primary partner's interest in younger women is proving to be too difficult for me to process. He's 34, I'm 31 and he's been dating women that are in the 18-21 range. I can't stop feeling like he clearly wants something specific that I don't have and that I'm less sexually exciting and desirable to him. Not to mention, that it will only get worse as I age. He's a great husband and I know he loves me and wants me sexually, but I think this might be a deal breaker for me. I'm still feeling like this despite reading books, working on my self-esteem, having other wonderful relationships myself, and going to therapy.

But wait! It gets confusing!

This all started with me sharing a big, dark, shameful secret with him over a year ago, that I'M into younger women, and especially with older men. He had never been into younger women at all but started fantasizing with me about it because I was so into it. As a result our sex life became even better. The whole year we were talking about it during sex he was assuring me that it would never become a thing for him apart from our shared fantasy. I told him that that was my biggest fear and the reason I had never shared it with him before. Well, obviously he did not accurately predict the future.

I really need help with this complicated issue! Thanks!
 
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As the mother of an almost 17 year old (im 35) I can completely understand. To me someone that young is still a child to me. My bf had sex last fall with a freshly 17 year old and it totally grosses me out that a man in his 30's was attracted sexually to a high school student!
 
A 17 year old is not a child, she is almost an adult and at least in my county she has been legally able to have sex for a year. I had a friend who dated a 30 year old when she was 16. It may not be so compatible, but it is not gross to be attracted to someone younger.

I don't get this age panic. I am older than you, I am 35 but apart from the new wrinkes around my eyes I have had no trouble with my age. My boyfriend says he is attracted to older women (he is 28) and my husband tells me that I am like wine and keep getting better. I get a lot of attention for my looks, and my maturity stands out more than inexperienced younger women.

I am not sure what your initial fantasy was. Was it that you was the younger woman, and he the older man? Are you interested in younger women? or older men? or the idea of age difference in general? Why is him getting off on age difference so difficult for you?
 
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I guess I am into age disparity in general. I like older men and younger women. When I fantasize about younger women it is always from the older man's perspective. I am bisexual but I don't think about ME having sex with her, it's always some guy. I don't understand it myself.
 
Rosesarered said:
Well, obviously he did not accurately predict the future.
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Yep, and from your wording you are not holding that inaccurate prediction against him as a lie. Thank you.

So, your conversations with him planted the seed, and now you can't close Pandora's box again (gotta indulge in mixed metaphors now and again <s>).

I can't stop feeling like he clearly wants something specific that I don't have and that I'm less sexually exciting and desirable to him.
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Less than you were, or less than the 18-21s? Be specific (with yourself).

I'm still feeling like this despite reading books, working on my self-esteem, having other wonderful relationships myself, and going to therapy.
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And talking about this with him? Do you know exactly what it is he now likes about them? Exactly?



Now just a little story from my history. The age of consent is also 16 in NZ. I was a young woman who found older men attractive. I enjoyed the sex. They were competent. I was a novice. I look back on my younger self now and realise that even after many partners I was still a novice compared to what I know now. Hell, I was a novice 5 years ago compared to what I know now lol. But back to then. I also liked older, sometimes married, men because I didn't have to commit to them at a time of my life when I had no interest in commitment. So yeah, what might they offer your hubby...? No strings. My motto was "husbands are like children, better when they're other people's because you can give them back when you've finished playing with them." Maybe your husband likes them because they are no threat to your unity as husband and wife. Just a thought.

But please just go ask him why the 18-21s, at least then you'll have something specific to talk about in therapy.

best wishes
Evie
 
He likes the fact (or the fantasy) that they are naive and inexperienced and he's the mature older man showing them the ropes.

Less than I am now.
 
This is a really common thing for men, and not at all unusual. My male partner definitely has an attraction to young(er) women for the same reasons--it's exhilarating and fun to show them new things, it's an ego boost to give them pleasures they've not experienced, etc. Also, it's an age where beauty comes easily, and visually they're at the height of what is currently considered socially beautiful (and, there is some evolution at play here, as well, as it's the time when fertility is broadcast loudly by the female body). But, that in no way diminishes his attraction to me, or makes me less fun in bed for him. He enjoys our adventurous sex, enjoys that I also know "tricks" that drive him wild, loves that I am confident sexually, and enjoys the bonding and connection.

Many people like variety, and those different likes/fantasies/experiences do not diminish the other likes/fantasies/experiences in their lives. I like women, but the sex I have with them in no way changes how much I enjoy sex I have with men. I like BDSM, but that doesn't mean I do not also really enjoy "vanilla" sex, or loving and tender sex, too. I find hot young male rugby players sexy, too, and would ride that joystick all the way to the end of the game, if the situation were right. That doesn't at all mean I am less attracted to my partners. Attraction, like love, it's not a pie that gets smaller if someone else is given a piece. And, just because someone likes cherry doesn't also mean they're not a fan of lemon meringue.

So, while your husband may enjoy "showing them the ropes," unless there's something else going on that raises red flags in your sex life, it doesn't mean that it impacts how sexy and desirable he finds you. As long as it's not causing problems, it may be a good time to reflect on why it's difficult for you, and see if you can pinpoint what the underlying issue is. Does it remind you of a past bad experience (this could be a trigger for an abuse victim, for example), or are there some jealousies or insecurities? Do you worry about the possible complications or moral issues (ie., will the young ladies know what they're getting into, or develop feelings or act out in ways that could cause issues, or are you concerned that your husband may not be behaving ethically towards them in regards to expectations, etc.)? Are you a parent of a child of similar age, and so see these women as peers to your own children even if they're not friends? Just some thoughts, though it could be a range of other things. Finding the root cause of your discomfort with the situation could help narrow down ways to mitigate it, or to address it to your husband so he can understand.
 
Rosesarered said:
He likes the fact (or the fantasy) that they are naive and inexperienced and he's the mature older man showing them the ropes.
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Well, showing them one set of ropes anyway. What I mean is that everyone brings something different to the table. You bring something different to him sexually to what these young women do. And you've written that you know he wants you sexually. You can't bring the same level of inexperience to the bedroom that the younger women do, that's one of the wonderful parts about getting older, you really get good in bed <s>. Seriously is there anything more boring out there than teen (18y/o, obviously) porn? (My ex liked it and for a while I also had some feelings around, "I'll never be that young again" but then as I watched it, I really got the feeling that you've seen one, you've seen them all.) Yes, I know that's different to what happens in real life, but it's still got the element of "oh man, he likes teens, well I can't get younger" to it.

You said you are the one that started this fantasy off. Except you called it you "big, dark, shameful secret". Why so big, dark and shameful? You don't need to answer here, but I'd seriously look at your choice of these words with your therapist.

Less than I am now.
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I'm still not understanding how you perceive that: "I'm less sexually exciting and desirable to him" "than I am now". Now is now. Less is a comparison that requires temporal or physical separateness.
 
Wow, thank you all for the responses. You have no idea how much it helps.

I mean I worry I am less exciting and desirable to him than the younger women.
 
I wouldn't dream of being jealous of someone younger than me. But then again I do LOOK rather young. I look pretty much the same as when I was younger, I just dress better. And do makeup better. And everything better.

Is there anything about your looks that you wish were different?

OR is it you wish you were inexperienced so that would turn him on? would it work to fake the inexperience, or is that what you guys have already been doing?
 
I am considered very attractive and I wouldn't change anything about the way that I look other than getting my pre-pregnancy stomach and breasts back.

And yes, we have done some role-play. Mostly, during sex we would talk about what the experience would be like for him.
 
I'd only role play if there's something in it for me. You said it was originally your fantasy. Have you played with what it would be like for you? Yes you're not virginal any more, but how about trying out scenarios where you are. Create a ton of different ones :) Here's a challenging one for most of us, but plucked straight out of real life of a friend. He was a lovely woman's first sexual partner. She was 42 before they had sex.
Or turn back your clock and be 16/18/whatever age you're comfortable with re-imagining your sexual awakening (not just penile intercourse, but digital and oral).

I mean I worry I am less exciting and desirable to him than the younger women.
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Thanks for the clarity. I really do hope you can work through this notion, because I suspect there's still a lot more of everything ahead of you for you and your husband.
As as GreenAcres pointed out, you and he have the connection that he won't even be looking for with these young women.

kia kaha
Evie
 
Norwegianpoly said:
A 17 year old is not a child, she is almost an adult and at least in my county she has been legally able to have sex for a year. I had a friend who dated a 30 year old when she was 16. It may not be so compatible, but it is not gross to be attracted to someone younger.
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Out of curiosity....
In your country, are age of consent laws applied in the same way under 18 age of consent laws work in the U.S.?
"You're an adult while I play with your body but when I'm done, you're back to being a minor."
Or are all rights we, in the U.S. reserve for 18 and older, set at the same age as the sexual consent laws in your country?
 
Vinccenzo said:
Out of curiosity....
In your country, are age of consent laws applied in the same way under 18 age of consent laws work in the U.S.?
"You're an adult while I play with your body but when I'm done, you're back to being a minor."
Or are all rights we, in the U.S. reserve for 18 and older, set at the same age as the sexual consent laws in your country?
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Age of concent in my state is 17. Age 18 you are considered an adult.
 
Vinccenzo said:
Out of curiosity....
In your country, are age of consent laws applied in the same way under 18 age of consent laws work in the U.S.?
"You're an adult while I play with your body but when I'm done, you're back to being a minor."
Or are all rights we, in the U.S. reserve for 18 and older, set at the same age as the sexual consent laws in your country?
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It's certainly not that cut and dried in NZ.

Age 10: criminal responsibility for manslaughter or murder, own life insurance
Age 14: criminal responsibility for everything else, but through the youth court. Stay home alone (but not for extended periods of time).
Age 16: sexual consent, marriage with parental consent, leave parent's home without consent (and get social welfare payments), leave school/be expelled, work full time, choose which parent to live with, get vehicle learner licence, fly solo, obtain a passport, apply for a firearms licence, apply to change their name.
Age 17: criminal responsibility as an adult.

For a full list of ages, see
https://www.consumer.org.nz/articles/young-people-and-the-law
The only obvious omission on here is that at 18 a person can buy alcohol from an off licence as well as an on licence.
 
Vinccenzo said:
Out of curiosity....
In your country, are age of consent laws applied in the same way under 18 age of consent laws work in the U.S.?
"You're an adult while I play with your body but when I'm done, you're back to being a minor."
Or are all rights we, in the U.S. reserve for 18 and older, set at the same age as the sexual consent laws in your country?
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The age of concent means you can have sex in any shape of form, with people of any age, exept possably making erotic movies which you would still need parental concent to do. 18 is the general age of adulthood. But you can decide your religuos community at 15, your political party at 16 and 16 is also the age where your parents cant access your medical history. You can be changed as a criminal adult from the year of 14.
 
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Well being the mother of an almost 17 year old and frequently seeing teenagers in my home I absolutely do not see them as adults. I remember being that age and thinking how grown up I was but in hindsight I was very much an adolescent. I can't imagine hanging out socially with someone that young let alone have sex with them. I don't even feel like I have anything in common with people in their early 20's.
 
I think it sends a bad message to not allow adult rights to someone but consider them an adult as long as an older persons sex parts are touching them.
 
Vinccenzo said:
I think it sends a bad message to not allow adult rights to someone but consider them an adult as long as an older persons sex parts are touching them.
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Are you for giving adult rights to 17-year olds or for stopping them having sex with adults? Your statement can be interpreted either way.
 
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