Am I being unreasonable?

N

Newobsession

New member
Hi all,

Started practicing poly the beginning of this year with my wife of 11 years. It has been a rollercoaster and I now have a girlfriend and my spouse has some OKcupid sparks that are kindling.

I am excited about the prospect of this new man in her life, he clearly understands her and is very respectful.

I am hung up on her other boyfriend, who is an old flame from high school that was rekindled and became the catalyst for us decided to open our relationship.

Jealousy is almost gone, still get squicked out from time to time, but I have developed some very good techniques to work though it.

He is in a don't ask-don't tell relationship with his wife. She, on examining the phone bills at the beginning of this month, began asking, and he told. He was instructed by her to no longer have anything to do with my wife. This has cooled things down between he and my wife, but she just took a trip, and saw him.

She still loves him, he still loves her, they kissed.

Am I out of line in thinking this relationship with her first boyfriend is an affair now? How do I talk to her about this and not encourage her to stop communicating with me on this subject? Is this even my business?


Thanks for your insight.

-NewO
 
Newobsession said:
She still loves him, he still loves her, they kissed.

Am I out of line in thinking this relationship with her first boyfriend is an affair now? How do I talk to her about this and not encourage her to stop communicating with me on this subject? Is this even my business?


Thanks for your insight.

-NewO
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Are you asking if it is an "affair" because they love each other? Correct me if am wrong....but isn't love and expressing love part of being poly and having a boyfriend/girlfriend??
 
I guess it could be considered an affair. The thing about DADT is that they are only OK when info doesn't leak out to the spouse. The minute they find out then it is considered breaking the rules. But if the relationship starts up again successfully in secret then its still under the guise of DADT. They are such an I'll conceived way of being open. In this situation I would say the wife broke the rules because she asked. She wasn't suppose to. Seeing phone calls to the same number on a bill should have been construed as just phone calls.
 
Sorry, I mean, is it no longer ethical polyamory and now cheating now that his wife knows, and is not OK with he and my wife's relationship and has asked him to stop communicating with her.

What I am really asking is : Whether or not I have any business judging my wife's relationship with him based on the fact that someone in it is (his wife) feeling betrayed, hurt etc., and she has asked him to end it.

Or is this something I just need to work out with out discussing my wife or her BF?
 
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I would definitely say this guy is cheating on his wife. It isn't ethical, and since your wife knows he's being unethical, she should end it. I would also start to question his trustworthiness in other matters.
 
If one partner agrees to stop seeing someone else then does so behind their partner's back then yes it is an affair.
 
Newobsession said:
So, given that, what are my options here? Understand you all don't have a lot of details, but what's next?
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You decide if you want to continue a relationship with someone whose morals condone cheating.

You have no say in your partners relationship with her boyfriend nor in the boyfriend's marriage. You focus on your own relationship.
 
If her boyfriend is telling the truth about the DADT policy in the first place, then his wife's behaviour isn't ideal either. Yes, it's still cheating and the 'right' behaviour is for your wife to walk away, but it's going to be tough on her with this level of feelings involved, so I would treat her gently and with as much empathy as possible while she's going through this.
 
If his wife is not agreeing to it, and indeed explicitly told him to end the contact, it is an affair. Is this something you are willing to be a part of?
 
learner said:
...Yes, it's still cheating and the 'right' behavior is for your wife to walk away, but it's going to be tough on her with this level of feelings involved, so I would treat her gently and with as much empathy as possible while she's going through this.
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Compassion always leads to a better place for everyone - I agree with learner here. Leave the judgmental bullshit out of it and have confidence that your wife is capable and thoughtful enough to navigate her life. Know that she'll learn her own lessons and find her own way. That mind set will nourish your relationship with her, whereas judging and worrying will only bring (needless) resentment and drama into your home.
 
I guess they are technically cheating, but it feels like a gray area due to the wife breaching the DADT shield. And the wife is exercising veto power which I don't like, but, I guess that's the agreement she and her husband have.

I guess you could express concern to your wife? maybe ask her what her plans are, what she will do?
 
kdt26417 said:
I guess they are technically cheating, but it feels like a gray area due to the wife breaching the DADT shield. And the wife is exercising veto power which I don't like, but, I guess that's the agreement she and her husband have.
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Yes, this all goes beyond DADT. The wife took a look at the phone bills, and then asked. So, she broke the "don't ask" part of the agreement. He told when asked, so I guess he was complicit in breaking the whole DADT bs agreement.

THEN the wife vetoed! That's a whole 'nother issue! Did they have an agreement that vetoing was OK, for either spouse?

If the wife was the first to break the DADT agreement, and she vetoed when they did NOT have a veto agreement in place, I think she is more to blame here than the OP.

Personally, I feel DADT and vetoes are more under the umbrella of general "open relationship" than polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory assumes consent of all parties. How can you consent when you choose to turn a blind eye to what your spouse/partner is up to? How can you exercise a veto, or agree to honoring your spouse's veto, if you're practicing ethical non-monogamy? Vetoes assume ownership of how your partner may conduct their own love-life.

So, is this really cheating on the OP's side? Or did his wife "cheat" by asking him about his new partner in the first place?
 
Heh, thanks Mags, I was afraid everyone was going to jump all over me for "supporting the cheater." There's a lot of gray area here. Is it a violation of DADT if you call your "other partner" and leave evidence of the call on your phone records? It seems like the wife thinks so ...
 
kdt26417 said:
Heh, thanks Mags, I was afraid everyone was going to jump all over me for "supporting the cheater." There's a lot of gray area here. Is it a violation of DADT if you call your "other partner" and leave evidence of the call on your phone records? It seems like the wife thinks so ...
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Yeah, that's just silly. His wife can be looking at phone bills, restaurant charges, liquor store bills, other entertainment venue charges he might ring up with his other women. Bills are just bills. That isn't "telling," it's just finances. If she doesn't want to know, she and her h could get their own bank accounts, debit cards, charge cards and phone plans, to be used for the price of dating.

What's next? Her going through his phone to read texts and hunt for naughty photos that have been exchanged? Then he'd need to password protect his phone.

Don't ask don't tell is a lot of work! heh
 
Magdlyn said:
Personally, I feel ...vetoes are more under the umbrella of general "open relationship" than polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy. ... How can you exercise a veto, or agree to honoring your spouse's veto, if you're practicing ethical non-monogamy? Vetoes assume ownership of how your partner may conduct their own love-life.
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Well, to me - I realize others practice it differently - I think it is fair to say we practice veto, or used to anyway I have only ever half used it. It was not a woman my husband was dating, but she was clearly into him and vice versa. They were dance partners for six months. She had started to act like I was stealing my husband from her, when I was the one perfectly fine with them damcing at least once a week and not meddling. In the beginning she was like, are you sure this is ok and of course I was, but on a social event she acted as if I was intrucive in their relationship. I flat out told him that her behaviour was unexeptable and offensive and that either she had to change, as in date him/flirt etc. while respecting me or back off her moves for them to be just dance partners. It ended up with them breaking off their dancing partner relationship and sadly not being in touch for a while. I was basically vetoing her because she acted like she and my husband was about to cheat and she was a threat to our relationship with her hardly concealed attempt to replace me. I have had this problem on later occations with other women as well, but my husband has learned from the past to set boundries for these women himself. To me, veto is obvious - we were the existing couple so of course we have a say in who the other person dates. It is perhaps easier to have several sets of eyes to see the personal qualities. But veto is something that should very rarely be used, it is more as a reminder that you date as a family, not as a single person. And the veto power is not forever - if my husband for some reason did not like my boyfriend now, he could not veto him, because he is now "inside" the family whatever happens next.
 
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