Desperatly in need of a new perspective

L

Lodrobantrist

New member
Hello, I need some help. I am new to poly and come from background of monogamy. Two and half months ago I started seeing a polyamorus woman, things have progressed rather quickly and we have fallen in love. I was well aware of her poly right from the get-go, I was excited, each day was a new experience and I felt love for the first time in a long time. Since that time my level of acceptance has diminished and my jealousy has taken a toll on our relationship. I don't know how to cognitively restructure my brain in a way that will stick. As soon as my emotions hit me, all logic flys out the window. when she is with her other partner, I feel lost, insecure, self-conscious and I take it personal. I understand that these are my insecurities and not hers, but still, the emotions prevail. I've been conditioned to a value system that promotes one love as true love. I know that this has been socially consructed. My intellect tells me that this value system does not apply to this relationship because it is not her value system. My emotions won't let me accept it, or rather I'm able to accept it and then my default program kicks back in. I love her so much and I feel she is at the end of her rope. Last night she said to me "Maybe your just not cut out for this" which tells me that she's feed up. I need help, I need advice, I want to persevere
 
First off, feelings are just that: feelings. They do not have to dictate our behaviors and thought patterns unless we allow them to do so! Secondly, they are temporary. They will pass. For me, they pass quicker if I don't try to suppress or judge them but instead, identify them, feel them, and then let them pass.

Another thing that helps is to change my thought patterns. If I'm feeling insecure and I start thinking about why Blue's other partner is preferable to me, I imagine a stop sign, mentally say STOP and then think of all the reasons that I am a valuable partner. Also, deconstructing my jealousy and determining the feelings behind the jealousy helps. Then, I can work on those feelings. For me, when I'm feeling jealous, it is usually because I'm feeling inadequate, insecure in my value to my partner, or left out. Once I know that, I can address those issues individually.

Another thing I do is make sure that I have an active, fun life apart from Blue as that helps with the feeling left out (and keeps me busier so I'm not focused on him being with someone else.) The last thing I do is focus on the fact that I genuinely love him and want him to have good, fun things and relationships in his life. I know I make it sound much easier than it is, but like anything else, the more I practice it, the easier it gets :)
 
Look, two and a half months is a blink of an eye. It's ok you are not SUPER POLY PERSON in that time frame. It would be also be ok if you were not totally ok with all things poly in six months or even a year. (After that, if you are still circling the same problems with no progress, yeah, poly might not be for you.)

There is no point in trying to not feel whatever you are feeling. What you are feeling is really common and pretty normal for anyone trying a poly relationship for the first time (and it's not uncommon for folks who've done this for a while too).

First, feel what you are feeling. Don't suppress it, don't judge yourself ('I am bad because I'm jealous.' 'I should be past being insecure.' 'Be logical!' etc.) Acknowledge that you are jealous, unhappy, insecure - whatever you are experiencing. Allowing yourself to fully experience your feelings is that you will eventually see feelings as what they actually are - momentary states of being - and not entities that control your behavior and your mind. It's counterintuitive - feel things to move past being controlled by feelings! - but I promise you, it is true.

So start here. Sit alone in a space away from others and stop suppressing your pain. Feel what comes up. Try a label. Am I feeling jealousy? Envy? Fear? If you feel like crying, do that. If you need to punch something, do so. Be loud if you need to. (This is why you want to do this somewhere where you have privacy.) Try being curious. Why am I feeling jealous? Why am I fearful? As I feel this jealousy, is there another feeling that comes up with it? (It's been my experience that complex feelings like jealousy actually 'stand in' for another, strong, more primal feeling, like fear or anger. Some people say that there are only about 4 feelings - fear, anger, joy, and sadness - and everything we feel is combinations of these four. I find this very helpful in sorting out what I'm feeling. What combination am I feeling?)

Second, as you start to feel your feelings, do not make your partner your audience or aim feeling these feelings at her. There is a fine line between keeping your partner in the loop, with necessary processing in your relationship, and with aiming your feelings at your partner like a fire hose. If you are spewing all these FEELINGS at her, yeah, she's gonna bail. She cannot be the main person who helps you through this unless you can really separate feeling your feelings, sorting them out and understanding them, and talking about them with her. That is hard to do - it's not a skill most people have naturally. But it is something you can learn. Therapy is one way to learn this skill, as well as learning to feel your emotions fully. This is difficult stuff - professional help is totally appropriate.

Your partner might be at the end of her rope with you not because of your inability to be perfectly poly at this moment but because you are firehosing her with feelings and reactions to feelings. If you stop, and focus on feeling what is going on with you, she might be able to give your more time and space to sort things out. Also, given the short time frame, your partner might not be really prepared to help a 'newbie' through these difficult times. It isn't easy! It requires lots of time, compassion and patience. Not everyone is suited to bring previously monogamous people into poly.

You are experiencing things that lots of other people have too. It's not impossible. But it will be hard, and pretty unpleasant at times. It probably won't be fast. But there is hope.
 
I heart what you're saying about wanting to persevere, but I'm not sure that there are any real short-cuts to acceptance here. I remember feeling much as you felt, and in truth, it just took a long time to adjust. I felt I progressed in lots of little leaps (followed by the odd step back at times) rather than in a nice linear fashion. One thing that preceded a particularly big leap and made it all 'make sense' was dating someone else myself. When I figured out that *I* could go out, have fun, have sexy fun even, feel something for someone else, and yet still be madly in love with my girlfriend it was a definite 'aha!' moment. The trick is, as you say, to realise you need to see it from her point of view, her value system, and just believe her when she says she cares about you and enjoys the time you spend together. Try to be present in the moment with her as much as possible, and avoid 'feeding' the negative emotions.

There are lots of books and websites out there with advice for how to manage jealousy, but it takes practise and energy - and a lot of self-awareness (for instance, to know how you like to receive and give love, to know what you need when, to know when you need a breather in a difficult conversation). Make no mistakes about it - making that transition from monogamy to non-monogamy is a whole lot of painful working on your self, mixed with a bunch of joyful working on relating better to your love, with a sprinkling of nostalgia/mourning for a time when it all felt 'simpler'. It therefore really helps if you are getting something personally out of this, rather than doing it just to be with her. For me, initially, gaining that self-awareness and being forced to deal with my insecurities and self-esteem issues was my main reason to stick it out. I realised that a lot of those things were always going to be things that would hold me back from living the kind of life I wanted, regardless of how my relationship went long term. Eventually, I also realised that I wanted the opportunity to explore connections with others myself too.

I don't know if you are able to think that far ahead (to what you might personally get from polyamory) or if you're just trying to keep your head above water, but do try to keep everything in perspective. The success or failure of this one relationship is not vital in the grand scheme of your life: it sounds like you are putting yourself under tremendous pressure to be okay with this IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW, when the truth of the matter is that it takes time. If this particular partner is feeling impatient, or you feel the way you are feeling is clouding the relationship, then consider taking a wee break from the relationship angle for a while. Concentrate your energies on the things you need to resolve in yourself (your core assumptions, what you want in the big picture of your life, and where your insecurities are) without the pressure of trying to be in the 'fun and happy romance' stage of a new thing, and go at your own pace. I always think one of the things that is nice about poly romances is that you rarely need to be in a rush about love. Unlike monogamy where you might fear someone being 'taken off the market' if you fail to grab an opportunity, well, that kind of timing issue is less of a deal-breaker when everyone is poly, no? :)
 
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Lodrobantrist said:
As soon as my emotions hit me, all logic flys out the window. when she is with her other partner, I feel lost, insecure, self-conscious and I take it personal.
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I'd suggest that when those feelings hit, you start asking yourself, "Why?" If you feel lost, ask yourself why. When you answer that, ask yourself why you answered the way you did. Keep asking why until you get to an answer that you can't ask 'why' to, and then examine that answer for clues to the real reasons behind your feelings.

I would also suggest that you be careful when throwing the jealousy label around, since I'm not necessarily seeing it here. Insecurities, absolutely, but not jealously. Do you feel hostile towards her partner, or do you fear that you will lose her to this other partner? (I would think not, since he was there before you, so if she wanted him over you then there would be no relationship with her right now.) You may feel envy that he gets to spend time with her, but ask yourself if you really are jealous, or if it is other things. Being able to figure out how you truly feel is important.

A big problem for mono/hetero guys (not typically faced by mono/hetero women) is that most men are genetically conditioned to want to secure a woman for themselves. This happens on an unconscious level, and is tied to a man's self-image of their own masculinity. If they are unable to secure a partner, they feel like they have failed at being a man. For women, on a genetic level, having more partners means more stability and security. Their main concern is more that their man is faithful to them.

In your case, you're probably wondering why you're "not enough" for her, right? You may feel like you are somehow defective because she needs to see other men. In your mind, you feel this reflects on you, since you inherently think that--in your mono mind--you should be able to secure a 'full relationship' with her, and not the 'partial relationship' you have now.

There are no easy ways to deal with those kinds of thoughts though. If you were a woman, I'd suggest going to find another male partner yourself. But the reality is that even if you wanted to find another woman for a partner, it's exponentially harder for men to find poly women than the opposite. Most women typically want a man that is devoted to them. Heck, it's possible this woman you are seeing may not want partners who aren't mono. Ask her about it, see what she says.

Personally I feel the only way to truly understand the poly mind is to become poly. If you want to understand why she is the way she is, then you need to become poly yourself. You need to be with a second partner, and still feel the same way towards the first. Once that happens, you'll have an 'a-ha' moment and begin to understand things better. In the meantime, I would strongly suggest you spend the time you don't spend with her, looking for another partner. Even the act of looking may help you understand the duality of the situation you are faced with.

Staying mono while she is poly is hard. REALLY hard. Usually those who have success with this were a mono couple to begin with, and then one wants to go poly. Since they have an established bond and love between them, it's not as hard as those who are trying to forge that bond when multiple partners are involved.

I agree with those above as well. You need to do things. Anything. Get out with friends, or get online and do some gaming or whatever. But sitting at home while she is out with her other partner is just going to be torture for you. The sooner you can break that cycle the better.
 
Hi Lodrobantrist,

Here are some resources to help you stave off the jealousy and wrap your mind around this poly thing.

There's no quick or easy way to work through the feelings you're experiencing, but with patience and kindness (including kindness toward yourself), you can get there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your support and insight. I really appreciate the personalized responses and the sticky threads. I have plenty of stuff to read over and study. I think this site is going to be very helpful to me. Many of you read between what I had typed and addressed even more of what's been going on.......Thanks again.
 
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