It'll probably be over.

A

AmokBSN

New member
Hey all,

You may not remember me however my partner and I after a short while of being together for approximately 8 months and she had expressed their desire to be polyamorous. I define myself as monogamous and although it was difficult we managed to get through together and I was able to 'control' my feelings. With her other short term relationships I always made sure that I asked how they were feeling, both their partner and themselves always willing to keep up strong communication, I thought I was able to handle this very well. I was still reading and researching on how to be more supportive and a better communicator.

Recently and this spans around two months, my partner had a huge bout of depression and anxiety triggered by many life events that happened in quick succession and as such their sex drive had diminished, I was always consensual and would never add any pressure, we had a discussion and I thought it would be best if they would initiate when they felt ready. I was also always there to support them, offer advice like going out for walks, exercising or doing something active and would always encourage.

I'll try and skip to the chase though, after her spending time at mines for 4/5 days and going off to visit her parents (as they live far away and don't see each other often) there were no signals that anything was wrong, in my eyes they were getting much happier and active (as in going outside)

However after this I was absolutely taken by surprise that they had just wanted to break everything off, completely. This wasn't apparently due to the illness or anything, this was apparently due to them feeling that the sex appeal isn't there. I was taken aback, of course.

I had asked if they still loved me, if I had done anything wrong, was I just not sexually appealing, all of the common questions and none of them had returned with a negative answer, actually they were full of praise for me. Of course this just added further confusion. I asked if they felt that perhaps going through a difficult time had brought this on, I know medically that drive can deplete.

I had even asked if I fulfilled their needs which was also responded with a yes and we were looking at exploring more open-minded ideas once they had recovered.

I'm sort of confused, has anyone had similar experiences such as this? It feels like I have done absolutely nothing wrong here, I could tick all of the boxes in sheer confidence as I'm a very strong internal reflector and thinker.

I still feel like I have no answers and we still intend to have a discussion to talk it out, I know that it'll be over or thats where I'm thinking its going towards.

Thanks for reading, any advice?
 
Last edited:
I have experienced that when an ex had a "what will I do with my life"-crisis, her libido dropped and she fell out of love with me. I did everything she asked of me but when our life became more of a routine that scared her. She felt all these longings where change would have taken a lot of time and money and creativity, none of which I had at that point and I think she was also unfair with not making any initiative . She felt very tied down by the same stuff she had requested. I think basically she was looking for someone to save her, and I couldn't, so the dissapointment turned her off. She associated the troubles she felt with me - by rejecting me she was rejecting what she did not like about her life. She literally said she did not want to have to work for a relationship, it should all come natural. I don't know if she is fit to be in a relationship because she has been single since.

I have also had things happening in my life with libido now. A combination of work issues, health issues, money issues and some resentment I had with my husband caused me to loose my libido for him almost completely for months. I still felt something for my boyfriend (although hard to compare, since when I visit him I don't work etc.). It was a situation where everything was drained for me. But I have been with my husband 11 years, I don't dump him just because I don't feel like doing it with him so much. I care for him, we have slowly fixed our problems and started doing fun things together, and I feel my libido slowly coming back. I think it is an attitude issue. I never expected it to be easy.
 
Sorry to hear about your break-up. It always sucks, whatever the reason. I know that a lot of people are really into figuring out why it didn't work out, but sometimes it's hard for people to articulate. It could really be anything - something personal to you that she doesn't want to admit to for fear of further hurting your feelings - or something personal to herself that she has no intention of changing. It could even be something as simple as her being uncomfortable with you being monogamous. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who identified as mono as I would feel too much like I couldn't give them what they needed. She may have come to a similar realisation late. Who knows? The important thing is not the why, it's the how you deal with this now. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with good people who love you, set yourself a time-limit for being mopey, and do things that build your confidence and that you enjoy and that can distract you from thinking of her. You will get over this in time, and be all the wiser for the richness of this experience. It sounds like you learnt a lot about yourself and how you deal with your insecurities through this relationship, and all this makes you a stronger person who is more ready for the next challenge life tosses your way.
 
Sometimes it just feels right to someone for a relationship to end, without it being anyone's fault. All the analysis and discussion in the world may never give you an answer that makes sense to you. People grow apart, become less compatible, or simply want to move on and have new experiences. Relationships can lose that spark or cease being satisfying for no reason at all, other than it just not hitting all the right notes anymore. Not all relationships are going to last forever. That's just how it is.

Sorry you are feeling hurt and confused right now.
 
Hey,

Thank you all very much for the warm replies, it has given me more food for thought and I think some of it almost ties in with with @Norwegianpoly situation. Not all of it of course however I'm often one that will go out to try and solve problems or at least look at possible solutions to identifying.

Call me silly and I know we all have different ways of processing information and I don't want to come across as I'm invalidating everyones feelings however sometimes the spark will go, maybe not for long however continually thinking that without doing anything to spice things up, a hobby, a new activity, something to share and create can all work wonders. I guess from some small experience that I've had, having conversations like this can be difficult although I find myself to be quite a good communicator and like to express my feelings.

She had mentioned the fact that even though I'm mono, that wasn't an issue at all, she would have loved for me to find some other partner perhaps further down the line, not instantly. That could of course be something hidden.

Getting involved with poly, even though not fully, perhaps a half measure? Was great, it opened up my eyes to a whole new world so to speak. The term was actually completely new to me 6/7 months ago and I'm happy I have. People living lives outside of the social norms that are instilled in us as children.
 
Hi AmokBSN,

Sorry to hear that your partner broke up with you. I can't figure out why she did it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Is there any chance you and she will renegotiate in the future?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi AmokBSN,

Sorry to hear that your partner broke up with you. I can't figure out why she did it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Is there any chance you and she will renegotiate in the future?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Honestly I'm not sure. Until we have a conversation and a good one at that, their communication levels are diminished over the course of the two months and I know that she still wants to be a large part of my life, or so it seems.

I'm willing to keep the door open although only until they find purpose and think that it can and will work.

They have been going through work based oppression, they are part of a major union which drains all of their time and energy and I have tried to highlight that they should not work every working hour of the day trying to solve these issues. It actually feeds bad mental health. They have been unable to do this and in the past they have been very proactive to organising groups for fun, games etc. That has now been replaced with a lot of unnecessary work, voluntarily.

I cannot change this, only highlight. They have to be willing to take the advice and change if you know what I mean?

Even when they issue that the sexual appeal wasn't there, I still don't actually feel that its accurate. I still think its everything they've been going through. They have been going through a lot of identity change, name changes and also work placed grievances. All of this mounts up. I have seen them change to being so bubbly and outspoken to withdrawn and I can see the toll.

I just pray that the decision they have made, they are true and fully believe its the correct direction because in my mind, it feels like they are trying to cut everything away and deal with everything on their own. They are also looking at changing career paths of which they know no destination. Everything is up in the air for them.

I hope we can be friends, even if a long break is needed, I'm happy for that, we still have to go with an open conversation in my eyes. I think thats the correct way.

Do you feel the same?
 
Sure, if you have to break up, it's best to do so amicably. And it seems like she/they could use your support, with all that's going on.
 
After five years of no contact, I am again friends with my ex (since six years ago). I think she is a wonderful person with a lot of drive, we have a lot in common and I enjoy hearing about what she does. But as a romantic partner I could never take her back. I simply need someone a lot sturdier than her, and she might need someone completely different from me. As her romantic partner I sometimes felt her emotional needs were endless. After she left me, I met my husband and we have made it through sickness, money problems, family issues and what not, mostly we even found the other person desirable. Me and my boyfriend has endured two years of international long distance, mismatch in working hours and all our money going to sustain the relationship. They are, as we say in Norwegian, wholesome logs - people for who life 's challenges are not so great that they loose sight of who are deserving of their loyalty. I think as we get older, that simple ability to perform and endure without becoming bitter or empty is so vital.
 
'Wholesome logs!' That's great. I'm stealing that.

Is it because good logs float? Or are good to build with? Or one of those random phrases where no one remembers the origin?

And, yes, your larger point is spot on.
 
kdt26417 said:
Sure, if you have to break up, it's best to do so amicably. And it seems like she/they could use your support, with all that's going on.
Click to expand...

I've tried to support them as much as I could and I can admit that I have tried my best to lower their social anxiety, PTSD, depression many times and this is only over the course of say just over one and a half years. Perhaps after this chat and maybe even a small break I'll continue to try and offer assistance where needed. Too many people shun others that have legitimate health issues however it all falls down to them seeking the support in order to combat it.

Norwegian our situations sound very similar and I am thankful for your comments regarding this issue as well as everyone else who has commented.
 
opalescent said:
'Wholesome logs!' That's great. I'm stealing that.

Is it because good logs float? Or are good to build with? Or one of those random phrases where no one remembers the origin?

And, yes, your larger point is spot on.
Click to expand...
I think it is logs as in fire wood. It is because the wholesome logs burn well and long, and will use their given time to keep you warm :)
 
kdt26417 said:
Keep us posted.
Click to expand...

KDT I think we are going to meet on Saturday evening once they have finished work. I'll pop back and let you all know. I'll continue to do reading and take notes, like I always seem to do when approaching this kind of situation :p
 
Re:
"I'll continue to do reading and take notes, like I always seem to do when approaching this kind of situation ..."
Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top