Another Hello thread!

K

KayCrab

New member
Hello from Oregon! Just looking to try to gain some understanding and perspective. I, myself, am not Poly (at least I don't think so), but my wife of 8 years has recently come out as Poly (she didn't know until only recently). It has been emotionally very painful for her and I try to be as understanding as possible and am really just looking to learn. We've had an open marriage since the beginning, so this isn't really a big difference from what we've done.

However, I am probably a little typical in that I take it a bit personally, as if I am coming up short or not meeting all her needs. I've read plenty online, but I figure the best way would be to actually talk to people directly who do not have a slanted interest (e.g. friends or family).

I hope to learn a lot and hopefully get over my fears.

Thank you,
 
Hi KayCrab and welcome :) I think there's a few people around here from Oregon so you might find meetups handy enough too.


As for your scenario, no one person can or should ever be expected to meet another persons total needs in any relationship (my mother told me that a long time ago ;) ). This is actually a crazy idea when you dig into it. Really the question a 'mono' person could investigate in order to understand a poly person's perspective is, to what extent do we engage other people in meeting our (mono or poly) needs? Do you really expect your wife to meet everything you need? Or do you have other close friends, perhaps guy friends with whom you can [insert bromance activity of choice]. Or a mentor you learn from. Or a sibling you confide in. Or a team you play with. Or ..., or ...., or ..., or a forum you post on? Do any of these things actually mean that your wife isn't enough for you? Surely you're thinking "hell no" to that. So your wife's other lover, your metamour, is simply providing different things, even if they appear quite similar at times.

Your relationship has been open, so I'm guessing there have been previous sexual partners before your wife found someone with whom she connected emotionally. So now she's finding out she is growing in her capacity to love another adult. (Why, why is this so challenging when parents love more than one child, one after another, as they arrive?) But perhaps it's the notion of being 'in love' that's so scary to all involved? Because we've learnt growing up that this concept of being 'in love' is supposed to be impossible with more than one person at a time. Impossible. Even despicable in some circles. So what we're really doing is busting through years and years of our own social programming based on hundreds of years of societal conditioning and working out that there's actually nothing wrong with us be we the hinge, the leg, in a triad, N, W, Star or anything else.

I really hope all involved in your relationship find peace with themselves.

You're allowed to have fears, of course. Don't fight them, but work through them, through communication and meditation (think of this as spending time with your thoughts objectively rather than buying into them).

Arohanui
Evie
 
It's not so much as suggesting that I should meet every need, but rather the idea of wanting to meet a need and being told "no, someone else has that taken care of." I suppose the real fear is that the "balance" of needs may get "unfairly balanced." Like the needs I meet are working, paying bills, cleaning the house, and taking care of the child and someone else fills the needs of going out, having fun, and enjoying life. But I suppose that is more of a trust issue.

I know this is a bad comparison (and can be taken in a very negative way and I don't mean it in that way at all), but it would be like having a dog that has been your best friend for years, but she's lived in a fenced yard the entire time. You fear that if she is let out, she might take off and not come back. Or only come back for food and sleep and have all her fun without you.
 
Hello Kaycrab,
I can understand the emotional toll realizing your poly can take on someone. It took a while for me to come to terms with it myself. Best you can do is support her while she is going through it.
I can tell you first hand that It is not always about Your spouse coming up short providing need's. My wife provides every need I feel I want (although i do have a much higher sex drive). She truly is who I want to end up with. The best way to explain my experience is after I realized I can have love for someone besides her, that little switch that is in me that controls the drive to seak and find close emotional relationships with others, it turned back on and created a need that was not there or considered before.
I hope you find out you answers that your looking for, and also your experiences are good
 
Greetings KayCrab,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope Polyamory.com is meeting your needs and answering your questions so far. There is a wide range of people who post, so you will get a lot of different perspectives.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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