Facebook Harassment

[KC43]

I'm a published author. As part of promoting myself and my teen fiction books, every week I do a vlog (video blog). The link gets posted, among other places, on my pen name's Facebook profile, which is public. Yesterday's vlog was about S2. A thank you to him for being a good friend, and for helping me with various aspects of my writing career and the music stuff. I did *not* use his name in it, though I did give the name he uses on Bandmix (which is mentioned in some of my promotional videos that he did music for) and the name of our band. Pretty much no one ever watches the vlogs anyway, so I honestly didn't think S2 or anyone connected to him would see it.

Last night, I got an email from S2 saying someone had messaged his girlfriend from a blank Facebook profile. One of the messages included the link to the vlog. His girlfriend thought I sent the messages and posted the vlog to harass her. She's had some pretty nasty experiences in previous relationships of her partner's ex or someone harassing and even threatening her, and apparently told S2 when they started dating that no matter how much she likes him, if there's any stress or drama in her life because of him or any of his past partners, she's dumping him. This kinda qualifies as stress and drama...

I texted him after I read his email, and we had a fairly pleasant conversation, but he was very stressed and upset because he knows this could be his girlfriend's breaking point. I asked if he wanted me to take down the vlog and he said there's no point now that she's already seen it. He also told me not to worry, that he knows I had nothing to do with the messages and was trying to convince her of that, and that this absolutely isn't my fault. He knows me well enough to know I would never knowingly do anything to hurt him or anyone he cares about.

But I feel horrible. I posted the vlog with only positive intentions. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to be upset or hurt. S2 told me his girlfriend makes him happy, and I want him to be happy. If something I did has interfered with their relationship, I'm going to hate myself.

Whoever sent the messages either did some digging and found his real name on our band's Facebook page (which I've since unpublished), or they know him and me well enough to have figured out who the vlog was about. And whoever it was either knows his girlfriend or at least knows her name and that he's seeing her.

I'm anxious--and had a full-blown anxiety attack last night--because I wanted his girlfriend to think of me as an ally, and now she thinks I'm out to destroy their relationship. More than that, I'm furious, because someone is either using me to hurt them or using them to hurt me. Either way, fuck with my friends and I go ballistic. I posted something on my pen name's Facebook profile saying that I'd been told this happened. I said whoever was doing it needed to stop, and if anyone else knew anything about it I would appreciate them putting a stop to it. I want to do more to help, but there isn't anything I can do.

I do have one possible suspect, but there's no way to prove it was her. A few weeks ago, I got into a conflict with someone on my real-name Facebook. I unfriended her because of an offensive comment she made on one of my posts, and she ranted at me via private message for unfriending her, so I blocked her. I also unfriended and blocked her on my romance author pen name's Facebook. But she wasn't friends with my teen fiction pen name, so it didn't occur to me to block her there. I have now, but if she did this, it's too late for blocking her to do any good. She's the vindictive type, and she's done this kind of thing before to other people for offenses such as calling her a name. And she knows S2 and had a grudge against him last year because he turned down her offer of sex. (She doesn't take rejection well...)

I feel guilty as hell. I'm afraid the person who sent those messages is going to keep causing trouble, and S2's girlfriend will break up with him over it, and he'll blame me for their breakup. We just became friends again after several weeks of no contact because of *our* breakup; I don't want to lose him again because of this. I don't want him *or* her to be hurt because of me or by anything I do. And I'm having a hard time letting go of trying to figure out who did this, even though I wouldn't be able to do anything even if I did know who it was.

What would you do in a situation like this?

 

[FallenAngelina]

What would you do in a situation like this?

Having conveyed my apologies to S2, I would take down the vlog post, go to a yoga class and kiss this one up to the Universal Manager in the sky. I would do all i could to turn my focus away from the bar room brawl, for my peace of mind is what I value above all else. Trying to figure out who did it or why or how the girlfriend views you will only lead to more and more anxiety, for you can never get in someone else's head. You'll never know for sure, even if you think you know. If they break up over this, they had a lot more going on than you can possibly know about and it certainly would not be your fault. This is one of those "way beyond my control" situations in which I would just slowly back out of the saloon and ride my horse out of town. Do anything and everything you can to turn your attention from this drama. Trying to fix it will only bring more and more into your life.

That's what I would do.

 

[KC43]

Thanks. S2 told me to leave the vlog up, so for the moment I am, but I may end up taking it down later.

Letting go of things like this is difficult, because anxiety disorder and depression tend to hold onto things even when you don't want to. But I am trying.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Letting go of things like this is difficult, because anxiety disorder and depression tend to hold onto things even when you don't want to. But I am trying.

I understand anxiety only too well. Hence, the yoga classes. Not to be an evangelical about it, but yoga was/is a life boat in a sea of anxiety for me. This world is full of things that could go wrong and do go wrong, but there's something about the regular practice of yoga that keeps me focused on all of the things that are going with me instead of against me. Just what works for me. Everyone has their own "yoga."

 

[KC43]

I used to practice yoga, but for a number of reasons I won't get into, it became something stressful and upsetting to me instead of soothing and peaceful.

I have other things, but right now those things are tangled up with S2: hiking and music. (And hiking wouldn't work today; it's 90+ degrees Fahrenheit and high humidity.) I'll find something. I hope I hear something from him letting me know he's patched things up with his girlfriend at least. Regardless of what she thinks about me, neither of them needs any additional stress in their lives, and I want them to keep seeing each other because it seems as if they make each other happy. Happiness is good. Part of my anxiety right now is not knowing whether he was able to calm her down, and not knowing whether the person who sent yesterday's messages is going to repeat it.

 

[GalaGirl]

Try to step back from it. More "my stuff your stuff" about it.

This seems too be your main concern:

I feel guilty as hell. I'm afraid the person who sent those messages is going to keep causing trouble, and S2's girlfriend will break up with him over it, and he'll blame me for their breakup.

You did not do anything wrong. I think you say "guilt" when you mean "used" by person X who used your post as a weapon.

S2's GF is free to break up with him or not. That's her choice. Her job.

Your fear that he will blame you for the break up is unfounded. I would focus on that. Reassure yourself rather than cranking yourself up some more. Talk that anxiety down by focussing on what has already been DONE. Not "what if" but DONE.

• I texted him after I read his email (your concern), and we had a fairly pleasant conversation (positive outcome).

• He also told me not to worry, (not your job) that he knows I had nothing to do with the messages (reassuring you) and was trying to convince her of that (his job to deal with gf not yours) , and that this absolutely isn't my fault. (reassuring you.) He knows me well enough to know I would never knowingly do anything to hurt him or anyone he cares about. (reassuring you.)

He's reassured you many times. Believe him and let him get on with his job (dealing with his GF). That bit is not your job.

Breathe, and do what you can to de-stress and step back away from this situation.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

Thanks, GalaGirl.

I do mean guilt... if I hadn't posted that vlog, the person who messaged his girlfriend wouldn't have had a weapon to use. They might have found something else, but at least it wouldn't have been something *I* did. And if this is a person who has something against *me* and is using them to get back at me, I feel guilty about that even though I know it isn't my fault. Guilt is one of those things that was drilled into me throughout my childhood and first marriage... everything that went wrong was ALWAYS my fault. It's hard to snap out of that mindset in situations like this. *Intellectually* I know I didn't do anything wrong. *Emotionally*, I don't know that.

But you're right. He did reassure me more than once that *he* doesn't blame me for this and it isn't anything I could have helped. He said he didn't tell me about the messages to accuse me, or to ask me to do anything about it, but just to give me a heads-up that someone was doing this. He and his girlfriend have talked several times about her relationship history and other stress in her life, so he knew there was a potential for her to react poorly if any negative situation came up. That was one of the main reasons he didn't talk to me for a month and has asked that we now keep our friendship solely text messaging and occasional walks in the city on his lunch break, so that she wouldn't get upset by his connection to me. He's done everything he could to minimize the chance of her being upset or stressed about their relationship, and when we talked on Friday, I told him that if he's happy with her, I want to make sure I never do anything to interfere with that. He knows I don't say things like that unless I mean it.

And when I offered to take down the vlog, he told me not to.

 

[starlight1]

I understand anxiety only too well. Hence, the yoga classes. Not to be an evangelical about it, but yoga was/is a life boat in a sea of anxiety for me. This world is full of things that could go wrong and do go wrong, but there's something about the regular practice of yoga that keeps me focused on all of the things that are going with me instead of against me. Just what works for me. Everyone has their own "yoga."

Pilates is my yoga, and it also helps with my situational anxiety which I haven't posted about but something I was diagnosed with in 2012.
It must be so much harder to have non situational anxiety, just general anxiety all the time. I feel for you KC, and I think yoga/Pilates would be deeply helpful in this area. I don't have religious beliefs about it, just anecdotal evidence from my own experience with anxiety.

I think you could do with detaching yourself from personal blame over situations outside of your control. You are not responsible for this person being malicious. You are not responsibility for s2 girls friends feelings
If they break up over this, you aren't responsible for that either...
You're only responsible for you. And I think you were kind.

 

[GalaGirl]

It's hard to snap out of that mindset in situations like this. *Intellectually* I know I didn't do anything wrong. *Emotionally*, I don't know that.

Sure. That is how the brain is wired. It has to go through "emotional brain" first and then up to "rational brain."

That is why I suggest talking the anxiety down by engaging logical brain. List the stuff that has actually happened. Not dwell on the "what if this, what if that" stuff like anxiety is prone to do for what might happen.

Part of engaging logical brain may be arguing with the emotional side of yourself about "guilt." Guilt means you did a crime. The only crime here was done by the harasser. As you say -- if not your work, they would have found some other tool to abuse. You could work on letting go of "guilt by association" stuff. Could focus more on your anger at being violated -- because between the two , I think anger could lead to healthier expression of your feelings right now than guilt. Anger gets you focussing outside yourself rather than downward spiral stuff.

I get that "guilt" and "responsible for all that goes wrong" was drilled into you throughout childhood and first marriage. Yet here you are -- not a child and not married to first hubby. You could have to mentally challenge the idea many times before it erodes. Reminding yourself where you are TODAY and that the old idea that (you are to blame for all) no longer applies to your present life could help some.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. If you are doing thinking behaviors that lead to anxiety ramping up? It is on you to change your thoughts any time brain tries to run down that familiar anxiety road. Seems better to me to focus on the things that are in your control, what you have done about it, what he has asked of you to do. That you are blameless and he knows it. Keep it in the present. Not the past, not the future. Just the current day.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

Thanks, Starlight. Like I said a few posts ago, because of certain factors, yoga is a thing that *causes* me anxiety instead of relieving it. But thank you for the reminder about responsibility and that I did try to be kind and helpful when I found out what happened.

GalaGirl, thank you again. The posts here are definitely helping me shift those thoughts. And last night, Hubby and my kids said similar things, that of course this wasn't my fault and that S2 knows me well enough to know I wouldn't do something this awful. Trying to keep positive thoughts, and to replay the positive voices *now* to shove away the negative voices from the past.

I am angry as well. No one has the right to use someone to hurt someone else, and I never understand why someone would go to this kind of length to hurt others anyway. It pisses me off. Someone did something similar to me this spring; they messaged Hubby online and told him I was cheating on him and that he should find out where I went on Tuesday nights. At the time, Tuesday was one of the nights I saw S2... and not a lot of people knew that. One of the people who did know is the same person I suspect of sending these messages to S2's girlfriend. But I do need to let go of figuring out who did it, because all I can do is speculate, and at a certain point even healthy anger can become destructive.

Some people have way too much frigging time on their hands. I just hate that they involved me in this, and that S2 and his girlfriend have been hurt by it.

 

[tenK]

I wonder how much this was even about you, and whether it might in fact be more about S2? If it was the individual that you suspect, it sounds like S2 rejected her advances directly. If they're the kind of individual that bears a grudge, then trying to mess with his new relationship makes a twisted sort of sense. Perhaps they thought you were the initial barrier to their advances being accepted but now you guys are all broken up and S2 has presumably not come running. If they break up over this, it hurts S2 more than you. Perhaps it's something to consider, at least in regards to feeling like you are dragging both of them into drama from your own life. You might not be the target at all.

 

[KC43]

The person I suspect has more of a grudge against me than against S2. I unfriended her, then ignored her message, then blocked her. She's had issues with me before anyway, but unfriending and blocking her on Facebook, because of how she is, is tantamount to a declaration of war as far as she's concerned. That just happened three weeks or so ago, whereas S2's rejection of her was last fall. And she knows his friendship is important to me, and how shitty I feel when someone is hurt because of my actions. So if she wanted to hurt me, she knows that hurting someone I care about, or turning someone I care about against me, would be far more effective than doing something to me directly.

And I know that sounds paranoid... but other people have had experiences with this woman attacking them online, either overtly or subtly, solely because she felt slighted by them.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

I'm going to swim completely against the current here and disagree with ALL of the advice that others have given you. Not all of their comments, mind you, just all of their advice.

This is NOT your fault. Is it your fault that there are nasty, diseased people out there who WANT to do harm to others? So far, we're all in agreement...

It has POSSIBLY nothing to do with you, as somebody else wrote. But the timing is suspicious. If S2 rejected this sorry excuse for a human being LAST YEAR, why does she hit out now, unless you jogged her memory? It might also be somebody else who has absolutely nothing to do with you.

But you're never going to be sure.

Are you?

Stepping back from the problem and connecting to the universe via Yoga or Pilates or whatever might help YOU. But that's not your main concern here, is it?

S2's GF has been wounded in the past. Leaving her with another wound for her collection would be a bit egotistical, wouldn't it? There's a whole philosophy of "Don't tangle with wounded people / people with baggage / whatever". In which case, we should ALL go seek our individual caves and study our belly buttons.

My advice (completely against the current, you understand) is to write S2's GF a letter (giving it to S2 to read for himself first and deliver to her if he OKs it), explaining how much her hurt is hurting you. I leave it up to you whether you send her the link "It Hurts Me Too". If you do, make sure that she understands that she is to ignore COMPLETELY the verses, but that the CHORUS comes straight from your heart. Ask her if you can get together to talk, and ask if there's ANYTHING that you can do to help the situation.

I think that you should get S2 to show her this thread, but that's up to you.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++​

Facebook is a NASTY piece of work. I have had my Facebook avatar and user's name appearing with comments that I made on web-sites that had NOTHING to do with my Facebook identity. In one case, it could have led to fanatics finding out just where to send death threats. I mean my HOUSE: not my e-mail address.

Facebook's founder (whom Time magazine named as "Person of the year", although more than 20 times as many of their readers had voted for Julian Assange [of wikileaks]) has been seen on various occasions entering and coming out of the Pentagon. NOBODY should give ANY true identifying information to those ARSEHOLES! (Secret Police all over the world are able to redeploy loads of money and effort, because millions of people are offering private information about their lives on Facebook. Information that they would baulk at surrendering to a police officer.) I'm sure that Facebook shares PART of the blame for more than one suicide.

On a lighter note, how many of you would like your polyamory.com and your facebook.com identities to be linked with each other?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++​

If you get to talk to S2's GF face-to-face, ask her if she'll let you give her a hug from me.
And have one yourself (from me).
MFFR

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Dear KC43,

I don't want to give you the idea that you should blame yourself. Most of the other comments are well-meant suggestions for how to avoid that. But there's a BIG difference between blaming yourself and holding out a friendly hand to somebody in pain. (And that means S2, AS WELL AS his GF.)

 

[KC43]

AThank you. He won't let me have any contact with his girlfriend. He wasn't even willing to tell her I said I'm sorry because he was afraid hearing the reminder that he's talking to me would set her off again. And he refuses to visit this forum at all because he knows I post about him here sometimes and he wants me to feel like it's a safe place for me where I don't have to watch what I say.

He and i have texted a little this morning. He thinks someone might have looked at our band Facebook page and found his name there, which is possible because I mentioned the band name in the vlog. He asked me to take down the page, which I had already done. He said any mention of him on Facebook by another woman, particularly me, makes her think someone's starting trouble and that he will break up with her. This was the only time I've mentioned him on that Facebook, and there are a few posts on my real name profile about my "musician friend," which I'm leaving there.

But I promised him I won't even indirectly mention him on there again. I deleted the vlog and all links to it; even though he said that wasn't necessary, having it there made me feel sick.

But I did tell him several times how sorry I am and how much I hate that something I meant as positive caused them pain. And I asked him to pass that on to her as well.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

If she's THAT wounded that any mention of a deep, platonic friendship with you might cause her to split with him, there's not a lot you can do. I guess those others have been following your progress and know the situation more than I do. In which case, their advice is valid.

Personally, I would say to him: "I respect and appreciate your allowing me free rein on polyamory.com. I admire the fact that you don't pry. But I'd LIKE you to read THIS ONE THREAD and tell me what you think. Please." If - after that - he maintains his embargo on contact between you and her, you have to accept his call.

Walk away. (Not from him, but from this situation.)

Knowing that you've done your best.
(And have another hug from me.)

 

[KC43]

Yeah, he had told me she had seriously negative experiences in past relationships, but not how serious. If i had known posting the vlog would upset her this much, i wouldnt have done it even though i didnt think either of them would even know it was there. On one hand I feel for her, because I have my own wounds and demons so I know what it's like. On the other hand I worry for him, because if she gets this angry and upset, and holds him responsible for what others in his life do....that doesn't sound healthy for either of them.

But it's their relationship, not my concern. I don't need to know why he's willing to accept that from her and go above and beyond to protect her feelings. I just need to know he is, and he's happy, and I need to make sure I don't knowingly do anything that will cause more problems.

I asked him to read a specific thread on here when we were together, because it was me asking advice about something in our relationship. He flat out refused and said he doesn't even want to know the name of the site.

 

[KC43]

When I posted the last couple of times, I was sitting in a park, because I needed to get outside and clear my head.

After clearing my head, re-reading the texts between S2 and me from last night and this morning, and flat out asking him if he's angry with me and getting no response, I...hate to say it, but I think I need to cut the friendship again for now.

I'm not okay with having to walk on eggshells for someone else's sake. I was there for fourteen years with Alt and Country's father, and the behavior S2 is describing on his girlfriend's part sounds way too close for *my* comfort to the emotional abuse I endured in that marriage. Plus after what I went through with him all summer and then the way he handled--or didn't--the breakup... I'm still healing, still angry, and I don't feel like sacrificing my emotional well-being for him again. As it stands, if I stay friends with him, I'll constantly be on guard against saying the wrong thing online or in a text to him and setting off his girlfriend again. I have enough frigging issues of my own; I'm not letting someone else's issues dictate my actions.

I wrote S2 an email saying all of that (in a slightly less confrontational way) and sent it to Hubby to read so he could tell me whether it sounded like something that would be okay to send. Hubby okayed it, so now I'm sitting here torn between "I need to put myself first in this case, that relationship isn't healthy for anyone *including* me" and "We just restored the friendship, he said he needs me in his life, and if I cut him out he's going to be hurt." In other words, I haven't managed to work up the nerve to actually send the email to S2.

Not that he was too concerned about hurting me...even though he claimed that was the reason for his dishonesty, so he *wouldn't* hurt me. And after having him tell me that he needs plenty of space and needs a partner who won't cling or be jealous, and after him pinpointing my anxiety and PTSD issues as one (albeit small) factor in our relationship not working for him, I'm actually kinda furious that he's not only putting up with behavior like that from his girlfriend, but he's expecting me to kowtow to it as well.

Did I mention I'm kinda furious? But even so, there's that one part of me that still cares about him and wants him to be happy, and doesn't want to cause him more pain or anger or whatever, and wants him in my life. That's the part that put up with the bullshit from him all summer.

 

[PinkPig]

I think staying away from him for now is a good idea, too. Though, it might be easier and less dramatic for all involved if you just don't do anything. No email, no text, etc. You can always rethink how you handle it if he initiates any further contact, but, from what you've described, I'm thinking he may not. Just my 2 cents. I am sorry...the whole thing sounds emotionally draining.

 

[KC43]

It is draining, and I'm still rebuilding my emotional stores (and my self-esteem and dignity) from this summer and the breakup. I don't have anything left over to put up with something like this, especially involving him.

To me, not letting him know that I am choosing to cut contact for now--and why I'm making that choice--isn't any more honest than him letting me go all summer thinking there was a chance our relationship would resume. Plus if I don't say anything, it's going to fester in my brain. I owe myself the respect of clearly and calmly stating to him what the problem is and how I'm solving it.

I'm still holding in a lot of anger and resentment over what he did to me during the past several months--and what I did to myself for his sake--and I need to let some of it out. Not in an angry or resentful manner, mind you. That's why I had Hubby read the email, to make sure it *doesn't* sound angry or resentful. But speaking my piece on this will go a long way toward solving the current problem and toward my healing from the other stuff. This time, instead of waiting for him to be the one to say "sorry, we're done", I'm taking control of the situation, and that feels like the right thing to do.

I modified the email to say that I don't want to consider the friendship entirely over, it just isn't healthy for me right now, and that I'm willing to discuss my decision if he wants to.