The Poly Adventure is Just Beginning

Tron, it seems like you're using the forum to "think out loud" which can be fine, to a point.

You say that you haven't done anything unethical, which may be true. You may be spending your days talking with Mabel about other things - life, the pregnancy, the baby, names, colors, little gooshy stuffed animal things the baby won't be able to play with but you'll buy anyway... all that stuff, but the fact that you are continuing to post about the "maybes" and the "what-ifs" show that you're still ruminating on this an awful lot.

I hesitate to recommend this, because this forum can get a great resource, but I have to wonder if your presence on this board is making it more difficult to keep your thoughts focused on the reality of the situation, and making it easier to be wistful about the "what-ifs".

None of these "maybes" are reality right now. Being caught up in the "what-ifs" distracts you from what *is*.

Hell, I could have submerged myself into the "what-if" of "if only Chops were mono... then we could get married / live together / bla bla bla". And that's not healthy, because it ignores the reality of the situation. It prevents me (*I* prevent me) from making decisions based on what is going on right here in front of me, because I'm hoping for something that may never happen (and in that example, never would!).

Stick with the counseling, keep talking with Mabel, but really REALLY look at the situation you are in, instead of all the "maybes". They're just illusions distracting you from the real thing.
 
YouAreHere said:
I hesitate to recommend this, because this forum can get a great resource, but I have to wonder if your presence on this board is making it more difficult to keep your thoughts focused on the reality of the situation, and making it easier to be wistful about the "what-ifs".
Click to expand...

I took this advice and took a break from here to alleviate some of the pressure I was feeling. The effect was that I got to a point where I finally talked to Mabel more about things and we basically concluded that we're not going to get anywhere on this. She's not going to be okay with poly or any form of non-monogamy and I won't be able to hang with monogamy. That only leaves divorce as the only option left for us.

I accidentally missed a therapist appointment two weeks ago, but finally went back last night and that seems to be his thought too. When I started thinking that divorce was going to be the only way out of this, I sent Penny an email just to see what her thoughts would be if I were available and if she'd want to resume things. It seems as if she's found someone else after a month and a half and doesn't want to mess things up by getting involved with me or talking to me again.

In essence, by trying to do the right thing, I've not only lost Penny, but Mabel and I will likely split anyway. I've lost both relationships I was trying to preserve. WTF.
 
Sorry to hear that's happened, tronprogram. I can only hope that things will be better for you sometime in the future. Change is the only constant in life. Who knows whom you might meet up with eventually.
 
As I recall, you had one date with Penny and she is married (and poly.) I'd venture to guess that she picked up on your unstable situation/vibe and that's why she is steering clear of you, chemistry or no. Presumably, a person goes into counseling and clarifies who they are for them, to live a more authentic life - not to make themselves more pleasing for others or to get people or to keep people. If your motive for therapy is to get people or things or even certain situations, you'll be disappointed every time. It would be great if you would stick with the therapy, not so that you can acquire or save relationships, but to uncover who you are.
 
Tron, perhaps the infatuation you feel for Penny was built up in your mind to be more than what it actually was. You and Penny had a few stimulating conversations and made out once, and yet you thought of her as your girlfriend! She's experienced in poly, probably gets a lot of attention from men, and might not have attached as much meaning to your little make-out session as you did. Making out is fun, but if I make out with someone, it doesn't make me his girlfriend. You seem to let yourself get lost in fantasy, and now you are knocked a little out of balance. I wonder if there is a good deal of dissatisfaction you feel in your life that you are so drawn to such escapism.

I hope therapy helps you see the patterns in your behavior and become more aware of the circumstances you create.
 
FallenAngelina said:
As I recall, you had one date with Penny and she is married (and poly.) I'd venture to guess that she picked up on your unstable situation/vibe and that's why she is steering clear of you, chemistry or no. Presumably, a person goes into counseling and clarifies who they are for them, to live a more authentic life - not to make themselves more pleasing for others or to get people or to keep people. If your motive for therapy is to get people or things or even certain situations, you'll be disappointed every time. It would be great if you would stick with the therapy, not so that you can acquire or save relationships, but to uncover who you are.
Click to expand...

Well, so far the therapist has just been trying to steer me toward what I want to do, rather than uncover who I am. However, I agree with you that I might need to redirect and ask to explore who I am. I'm only making educated guesses here, but he can help me know with more certainty.
 
nycindie said:
Tron, perhaps the infatuation you feel for Penny was built up in your mind to be more than what it actually was. You and Penny had a few stimulating conversations and made out once, and yet you thought of her as your girlfriend! She's experienced in poly, probably gets a lot of attention from men, and might not have attached as much meaning to your little make-out session as you did. Making out is fun, but if I make out with someone, it doesn't make me his girlfriend. You seem to let yourself get lost in fantasy, and now you are knocked a little out of balance. I wonder if there is a good deal of dissatisfaction you feel in your life that you are so drawn to such escapism.
Click to expand...

Well, she was the one who introduced the boyfriend/girlfriend language in the first place. I just enjoyed talking and flirting with her and wanted to continue that. She started framing it as a relationship and I felt like I had no reason not to oblige her, so that's how I got to that point. We never officially declared those titles, but we flip-flopped on it a bit. At times she'd want to do it and others, she'd look at the situation and reconsider. When we met up, we had a discussion about this and she seemed to have problems with how I wanted to label things, but when she described the details of what she wanted our relationship to look like, it was precisely what I wanted to do. I was just stumbling over the labels.

Regardless, it's been a couple of days and I'm starting to come around and accept it. Things with Mabel are still weird because even though we're teetering on divorce, she's still really lovey dovey with me and I'm having a hard time reciprocating again...
 
Well, this will likely be my final post here, but I've decided to end my marriage to Mabel.

Two days after Penny stopped talking to me, I started talking to a girl on another forum and really hit it off with her. At the time, the pressure to act on my urges was getting too great to bear, so I went ahead and acted on it with this new girl. She lives five hours away, so we spent the night in a cheap hotel at a small town in BFE that was about halfway for both of us. Despite going AWOL, it was an extremely good and liberating experience for both of us. I did this knowing the hell I could potentially face once I got back home, but I felt that a new set of problems would be more favorable than hanging onto the old ones.

Not only did the new girl and I connect pretty perfectly in bed, but we connected fairly emotionally too. On the way home, between the self-loathing and this internal revelation, I knew my marriage was done. Mabel moved out the day after I returned and has been living with her sister since. We've since split the bank account, we've verbally divided our possessions, and now we're just redefining normal. As expected, she's angry with me and she's disappointed we won't raise our unborn daughter together, but I feel confident that this is the right decision. Mabel shouldn't be put through what I'd put her through if we stayed together, so it's best just to let her find her own way. I want to help her do that as much as I'm able and allowed, but we'll see how that goes. This is a really tough period, but I'm interested to see how this plays out. Of course, all my family and friends are jumping ship and taking Mabel's side. Everyone else that knows me outside that circle seems to think I'm doing the right thing, though. *shrug*

Regardless, I felt like my daughter would be better off only knowing life in two happy homes rather than one unhappy one before it imploded.
 
This is probably the best outcome. It sounded like you were only staying with Mabel out of a misdirected feeling of loyalty anyway. Time to move on, allow her to move on, and focus on trying to be good co-parents together.

I take it, since you say this is your last post, that you have decided not to actually pursue polyamorous relationships in future? Unfortunately this seems to happen a lot - people in partnered relationships that have run their course finding someone else, convincing themselves (and their partner) that they are poly, and then realising that actually having multiple relationships is a lot harder than it looks and reverting back to monogamy without the original partner.

Just be careful moving forwards that you aren't just getting yourself into a destructive cycle of abandoning relationships the minute they get difficult, or not putting enough thought into compatibility at the start. You already have one child to support financially so there should be absolutely no rush your end to get seriously involved with anyone for quite some time. You do seem to have a tendency of reading a lot into your interactions with women (e.g. you were in love with Penny after a single make-out session and three weeks of chat, you've hooked up with this other woman one time and feel certain you have a deep sexual and emotional connection, etc,.) and that comes across to me at least like you don't actually have much experience, impulse control, or a good emotional understanding of yourself and others. I don't remember whether you say you married young; many people who do haven't yet had time to figure these kinds of things out for themselves, so it's not unusual. Now that you are single you do have the freedom to explore other relationships, but seriously, keep it casual and don't just rebound into something committed. You can do a lot of damage to yourself and others when you later on realise that you made a mistake. You are going to feel the financial effects of this one for another 18+ years as it is.
 
You haven't exactly learned to go about things in an ethical way yet either. Your relationship difficulties will follow you wherever you go unless you learn healthy ways of treating people.

You couldn't have ended your marriage without cheating and sneaking around?
 
I'd be curious to talk to the No-tell Motel woman in about three months and get her perspective on her experience with you.
 
Hi tronprogram,

Sorry things didn't work out with Mabel, and, I'm sorry you probably won't be posting again here, though I respect your reasons whatever they are.

I don't know whether you're indeed done with nonmonogamy. It's your choice of course, regardless.

I'm wishing you well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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