Partners Getting Along

S

SweetSouthern90

New member
I was just wondering if anyone has a rule(hate calling it that but can't think of anything else to call it at the moment) that all partners must be able to get along with eachother? Obviously this is for people who everyone knows about everyone and can hang out. We have it set up in our relationships that everyone must be able to hang out and at least be cordial towards eachother. Mainly because we have children and want to be able to find someone long term that we can invite over or to birthdays and such and be able to get along with everyone. Has it worked for you or no?
 
Sort of. The only discord that has occurred is when one or more people feel someone else isn't at the same speed. For example, I had a metamour who didn't want to meet me for months and I felt it was a red flag and against previous agreements with our shared partner. My partner liked her a lot and didn't want to end things with her and wanted me to wait until she was comfortable, which I ended up doing and everything worked out perfectly.

I've also seen instance where a person with the type of agreement you have meets someone who they could have a relationship without mixing their family life, usually by preference of the new person. Once they meet someone who essentially questions why this "rule" is a necessity, the person starts to question it themselves and can't see why it's so important everyone like each other when they really don;t have to spend time together. This causes resentment and conflict with the original couple.
 
If what you mean by "get along" is "be cordial if you accept invitations to family events like birthdays or to come visit in our home" that sounds fair enough to me.
You aren't asking people to be best friends with all the other people. Just be polite if they come to you place. They can always decline the invite if they don't want to be there and are not up for that. It's your house and your kids. You have the right to say what goes on there/around them.

Is that what you mean by "get along?" Or is there more to it than that?

Galagirl
 
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We don't really have rules. We do have safe sex agreements and an agreement to be open and honest and communicate regularly. That said, Blue & I both prefer that our partners meet and are courteous to one another. If possible, we also prefer that we all be able to occasionally hang out. It hasn't always worked out that way though. Blue had a gf who preferred not to meet his other partners/pretended we didn't exist.
 
To me, a "rule" is something that is imposed on other people to control their behavior. I used to call the agreements Hubby and I have "rules" until I realized the connotation. Agreements are meant to state a *preference* for how others behave, but don't say "you have to do this." And agreements also help us to control and take responsibility for our *own* behavior.

Aside from that...

As GalaGirl said, if you want another partner to socialize with your family, it is reasonable to expect them to behave civilly and appropriately.

I don't really understand why you want to have another partner be that heavily involved in your lives that you're inviting them to birthday parties and kids' events and such, but that's your choice. When I was seeing S2, he did go to one school event apiece for Alt and Country, but those were at *their* requests. I didn't expect him to be part of my family life in any way, and Hubby preferred that he wasn't. (Hubby accepted S2's presence at the kids' events because the kids were the ones who invited him. At Country's event, though, Hubby went all alpha male and I had to take him aside and tell him to stop being a jackass.) And S2 and I took his sons and Country on a couple of "excursions" together because the kids wanted to go to some museums in the area. But those things grew organically as our relationship progressed. There was never an expectation of finding someone specifically who would be involved with my family.

I don't know if Boots will ever even meet my kids, let alone be involved in our family life. Somehow he doesn't strike me as the "go to the fair where Country's selling apple cider" or "let's stop in at the store where Alt is working" type. He'll meet Hubby if and when I think our relationship has reached that point, but that's only because I prefer that my partners know who each other is in case for some reason one of them needs to reach the other. For example, if I were hospitalized, I would want Hubby to let my other partner know, which would be easier if they've already spoken at least once.

My personal preference is mine. I know other people do like to have their partners involved in family life. I need to have separation because I'm not comfortable blurring too many lines between my relationships, especially where my kids are concerned. And I found, at those events S2 attended where Hubby was also present, that having both of my partners in the same space makes me anxious because I feel like I have to pay equal attention to them and make sure they don't have any conflict with each other. (Note also that in that situation, I was both the hinge and the only polyamorous one involved; both Hubby and S2 are monoamorous.) But everyone does poly differently.

However, I think *requiring* another partner to socialize with your family, attend family events, etc. might be a bit much. What if the other partner isn't comfortable being part of the events? What if they aren't openly poly and aren't comfortable attending because someone might figure it out? Or, if you aren't openly poly (you don't say whether you are), what if they don't want to pretend to be just a friend of the family in front of your other friends and relatives?

If you find someone who's willing to attend the events on your terms, and want everyone to agree to be cordial and polite, that's fine. That's asking for specific behavior, and behavior is manageable and controllable. As long as you aren't telling them they have to *like* each other, because you can't dictate other people's emotions.
 
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SweetSouthern90 said:
...we have children and want to be able to find someone long term that we can invite over or to birthdays and such and be able to get along with everyone.
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I would strongly advise you to wait until you meet actual people before you impose a requirement like "must enjoy family birthdays." That's like a woman setting out to look for a husband who must enjoy her parents - puts a weird vibe on the entire dating experience and sets up expectations that are bound to fall short. Certainly, it's good to know one's own preferences and desires, and certainly your partners need to be OK with kids, but saddling potential partners with a requirement like "must enjoy family get togethers" is .... well, that's just not how relationships work. The way you phrase it above, it sounds like you're casting a role, not looking for love or a real person. Meet real people and let the relationships evolve. Let family parties become part of things as the relationship evolves, but there's no real way that you can make "must get along at family parties" a barrier to entry in a real relationship.
 
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No neither nate nor myself care if we like each other's partners. For the most part we don't really have anything to do with anyone else.
 
If I met someone and they told me they have a rule like that, I'd high-tail it outta there. First of all, it's insulting if someone thinks I need a rule to tell me to be courteous. If you need that kind of rule, what kind of rude people are you attracting? Just sayin'.

Second of all, I'm very introverted and could not stand it if I were expected, as if I were a trained seal, to socialize with specific people based on the fact that they are fucking the same person I am fucking. Who cares? If that's all we'd have in common, not a good reason in my book to socialize with them. I prefer to make my own choices about the people with whom I would like to socialize. Don't need anyone to choose for me or force me into a situation I wouldn't choose myself.

Third, I fly solo in my practice of polyamory and dislike the idea of a poly tribe/family. I'm not into that communal stuff. I prefer to keep my relationships separate.

Plus I am so-o-o-o not into kiddie birthday parties! Or even grown-up birthday parties. Gah!

So, if a guy I was into had these rules with his partner(s), he would miss out on the awesomeness that I am, because I would choose not to get involved, no matter how attracted I was to him. That is why, whenever I meet a partnered poly guy, I always ask what rules they have with their partner(s) that would affect me. Better to find out in advance and walk away than to jump in and get involved with someone whose way of practicing poly is incompatible with mine.

I am all for every person, whether mono or poly, to establish their own personal boundaries about what they want and will accept in relationships - but making rules for other people to follow is a big no-no in my book.
 
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Obviously there are different ways of doing it (described here as "kitchen table poly" vs. "parallel poly"—not sure if this was the first place to coin it or what) but one thing that I discovered along my own journey is that the two don't really mix that well in practice. I prefer the "kitchen table poly" in that I like to be friendly with metamours, and I find it least complicated when my own multiple partners are willing to hang out together and be friendly at the same party or whatever.

I don't think the other way of doing it is WRONG, just DIFFERENT, and it was not a good fit for me when my polycule contained someone who was very far on the opposite of the spectrum. Neither I nor my former metamour felt comfortable, with each wishing for and pushing for the relationship shape that we were happiest with.

The types of problems that would come up were stuff like my former metamour would feel left out because we would both be invited to all of our shared partners' social events, but my metamour would opt to not go because she wasn't comfortable sharing space with her partners' other partners (not just me, but any number of his partners), while I was comfortable in those circumstances, so I "got to" go to everything. She would request that I (or other partners) sometimes not be invited so that she could go, which I and our shared partner felt like was unfairly limiting.

In the end, I was ready to leave to eventually move on to a situation with less inherent tension, and the hinge decided that what he wanted was closer to what I wanted, so he followed me out the door. I'm not saying that people can't make the mismatch work, but compiled with our newness to poly and the other challenges that entailed, it was too much for us personally.

Since then, we have made a point of dating people whose desires on the topic are more in line with our own, and we have had some really great parties and events where an entire constellation of partners, FWBs, and platonic friends have commingled, sharing cuddles and love and affection in whatever way we and they desire. Once in a while, it can be awkward or provoke "wibbles," but working through the awkwardness and fleeting bad feelings has been TOTALLY worth it to get to experience the joy of having everyone all in one place having fun. While I wouldn't call either of my current metamours my BEST friends, we definitely get along and have lots of fun together.

ETA: I think I actually do have more regular conversations with my female metamour than I do with my actual best friend—friendly conversations about other people we are interested in dating besides our shared partner, about pets, about travel or work things. We've even taken a long-distance trip together, just the two of us. And this after a bumpy start to our connection due to some jealousy issues on my end. So if friendship is a goal, as long as both people share that goal, it is totally workable.
 
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My guys are all friendly with each other, but they don't necessarily schedule time to hang out without me around. My two husbands live together with me, so in that regard they are sensitive to each other, and courteous, and generally have each other's backs when it comes to scheduling. We all trade off with family things and work as a group to make sure things run smoothly. My youngest child is 17, however. The hubbies will go out to dinner or to the movies without me, if it's something they really want to eat or see though. I would not call them best friends, but they get along.

My boyfriend seems to be eager to join our family-style poly, and we've included him in things and invited him over. For outings and events though, it seems to be easier for me to include no more than 2 guys. So we will see how things progress.
 
I can say that rules don't sit well with me. I can see how one would like for their partners to get along if children are involved and if things progress to the point where the children are close to both partners.

Personally, I like for things to evolve naturally. I have no problem meeting metamours. I wouldn't insist on it, nor would I endure having to be friends with someone I don't particularly like. If my partners like each other, that is fine; if not, fine as well.
 
I do have kids at home the boys are 12 & 8.

My husbands while not friends they are cordial when in each other's presence. Butch doesn't mind that our kids have gotten close to Murf. He is thankful that he loves them like his own.
 
That's why I said I hate the term rule. But I couldn't figure out a better way to put it. We sorta require it but don't. But it helps we discovered with how our life is set up to just have everyone be able to be cordial. We have had issues before where someone we dated wasn't cordial towards hubtard and it made it really hard for me to want to schedule time because I knew it upset hubtard that I was going out with someone who didn't like apart of me. And eventually it was used against me in an argument with my other partner that one reason I cancelled a date was because hubtard was unhappy with him.
 
That's why I said I hate the term rule. But I couldn't figure out a better way to put it. We sorta require it but don't.
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Sounds to me like it is an articulated expectation. Like you don't want to take anything for granted or assume.

Something like...

"I would like to invite you to my birthday party at my house. Other people I date and my kids will be there. Is that ok? Can I expect you to be cordial? I've had problems in the past with that with an ex who could not be cordial to my partners or my kids. I'd like your reassurance that wouldn't be a problem here."

And if they don't feel comfortable right now meeting your poly network people or don't like parties or whatever, they are free to say "No. Thanks for inviting me though" and decline the invite. It does not have to be a big deal.

If they want to know more about your past, they are free to ask. If they don't want to know details right now, they have enough to know why you want to check in about it. You once had a bad ex.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Sounds to me like it is an articulated expectation. Like you don't want to take anything for granted or assume.

Something like...

"I would like to invite you to my birthday party at my house. Other people I date will be there. Is that ok? Can I expect you to be cordial? I've had problems in the past with that with exes who could not be cordial."

And if they don't feel comfortable right now meeting your poly network people or don't like parties or whatever, they are free to say "No. Thanks for inviting me though" and decline the invite. It does not have to be a big deal.

Galagirl
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Yes we don't force anyone to meet or get along right away, but eventually down the line we do like for it to happen. Or if it does happen be secure in knowing that hey there are going to be no issues like last time. We usually only date one other person besides the spouse so we don't have several partners to introduce them to just the spouse and their partner. We just like to be able to know that hey if you wanna come to this event so and so will be there with my husband or hey I am running late getting ready because my kids were fighting with eachother (3 kiddos it happens alot) feel free to come inside hubtard is on the xbox and so on.
 
SweetSouthern90 said:
Yes lol yes I am. That is my nickname for him.
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I urge you to choose a new nickname.



It's Not About Political Correctness
"I don't use the n-word, and I never have. My parents instilled in me a respect for all people, and would never have tolerated either my sister or me making fun of any group or degrading any individual. I am grateful to them for giving me that gift of respecting others. I am appreciative of the fact that not only do I not use the n-word (or other derogatory terms for specific groups of people that I won't repeat here), but that I also feel extremely uncomfortable when others do so. I'm not perfect, and I don't always say the right things, but this is one area where I'm strong........The people that I have known in my life with intellectual disabilities have had a more pure heart and a more loving spirit than anyone else I have known. Because a person who loves purely and deeply and accepts others unconditionally doesn't go on the offensive when attacked. There is no excuse for using hurtful and derogatory language that hurts anyone - but using hurtful and derogatory language against the most innocent in our society is completely unacceptable.

If you use the r-word, please stop.....It's not about political correctness. It's about respect."
 
I personally don't have issues with a schedule and only inviting the partner who's night happens to land on event night. I don't feel the need to have *everyone * I'm involved with at every thing I want to go to. I also have switched nights if need be based off of what type of event it is. Neither of my guys really care if they aren't included in everything.
 
It's an expectation for me that everyone can be cordial in necessary situations (emergencies, scheduling issues, life milestone celebrations like graduation college or deaths in the immediate family, etc.). But, it's not a rule, it's a boundary. I only date people who can and do handle themselves like adults, and being an adult means you sometimes have to deal with less-than-desirable situations in a way that is more about others than it is about yourself. I simply wouldn't develop a relationship with someone who didn't follow that paradigm.

As far as being friends, though, I wouldn't ever require that of my partner's. You can't force feelings.
 
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