FWB experiment ripping marriage apart
- Thread starter JustBob
- Start date
It does sound complicated. I am sure the wife is experiencing NRE (new relationship energy) with her new bf/lover/playpartner and doesn't want a veto on that! But I didn't get an answer as to whether there is love, trust, mutual enjoyment or anything positive between the husband and wife other than some sex.
Swinging is very different than polyamory. Each member of a couple dating separately is very different than "playing together." If the wife wants one on one sex with the bf, but the husband is trying to make it so her sex with bf has to be 3somes only, I could see that being an issue.
Now the OP is suggesting the wife is neglecting their son as well? Is she out every night with the bf? Is she texting him constantly when there is supposed to be family time happening? How often does the OP see his girlfriend? Has he allowed his wife to put restrictions on how often he sees his gf?
So many questions...
Swinging is very different than polyamory. Each member of a couple dating separately is very different than "playing together." If the wife wants one on one sex with the bf, but the husband is trying to make it so her sex with bf has to be 3somes only, I could see that being an issue.
Now the OP is suggesting the wife is neglecting their son as well? Is she out every night with the bf? Is she texting him constantly when there is supposed to be family time happening? How often does the OP see his girlfriend? Has he allowed his wife to put restrictions on how often he sees his gf?
So many questions...
no, it's something that has "emerged" since the FWB thing started.
I think her relationship with her FWB is satisfying a need she has that isn't being satisfied in her relationship with you. The one sided attitude (the wall she's putting up to you) is her way of preserving the connection with him that is satisfying that need.
Try asking her if this is true. If a good conversation comes from that, then talk about your needs as well. Be very specific about your needs. Stay away from statements that appear critical of her, and focus the conversation on talking about your specific needs and hers, and what the best way for both of you to meet them.
It's important to try this. If she doesn't want to talk about it or continues her one sided ways, then you can assume she isn't willing to change. Relationships are built on and made of communication. There isn't any real communication between the two of you, which means there isn't a meaningful relationship there either. This means you have a simple choice (simple but not easy) - tolerate what she is doing or leave the relationship. By leaving (if she doesn't work with you to resolve this), you are acknowledging there isn't a relationship.
If you need to leave for your own health, follow through and leave - even If leaving wakes her up to wanting to talk to you. If you stay because her new "desire" to talk makes things seem better, remember, her talking only under the pressure of you leaving does not mean she is truly interested in conversation. All it means is she wants to protect herself from loss. This is not the kind of conversation that truly resolves and makes things better.
Try asking her if this is true. If a good conversation comes from that, then talk about your needs as well. Be very specific about your needs. Stay away from statements that appear critical of her, and focus the conversation on talking about your specific needs and hers, and what the best way for both of you to meet them.
It's important to try this. If she doesn't want to talk about it or continues her one sided ways, then you can assume she isn't willing to change. Relationships are built on and made of communication. There isn't any real communication between the two of you, which means there isn't a meaningful relationship there either. This means you have a simple choice (simple but not easy) - tolerate what she is doing or leave the relationship. By leaving (if she doesn't work with you to resolve this), you are acknowledging there isn't a relationship.
If you need to leave for your own health, follow through and leave - even If leaving wakes her up to wanting to talk to you. If you stay because her new "desire" to talk makes things seem better, remember, her talking only under the pressure of you leaving does not mean she is truly interested in conversation. All it means is she wants to protect herself from loss. This is not the kind of conversation that truly resolves and makes things better.
AutumnLeaves
New member
I'm sorry that you're struggling. What I'm reading is that you perceive that your wife broke an agreement between the two of you (whether it was a good agreement or not doesn't matter), she may be perceiving that she did not break the agreement, she is definitely not listening when you tell her that you feel she broke an agreement, and that she's not listening to you when you tell her you're feeling upset and betrayed.
It sounds like you have a couple of choices, and neither of those choices is that you actually do get to control her behavior. You can only control your own behavior: that is, deciding whether to stay in the situation and try to convince her that she isn't listening to you, or whether to remove yourself from the situation. You can't make her listen to you. You certainly can't make her break up with her bf.
It's a crappy situation. If I was in your shoes, I'd try to lay it out in a calm and rational situation using a lot of I-feel statements and nonviolent communication. Things like, I feel you broke this agreement, I feel you are not listening to me, if we cannot have a discussion about this, I will need to leave our relationship. You might not want to actually leave, but you need to decide whether it's worth it to stay. Good luck!
It sounds like you have a couple of choices, and neither of those choices is that you actually do get to control her behavior. You can only control your own behavior: that is, deciding whether to stay in the situation and try to convince her that she isn't listening to you, or whether to remove yourself from the situation. You can't make her listen to you. You certainly can't make her break up with her bf.
It's a crappy situation. If I was in your shoes, I'd try to lay it out in a calm and rational situation using a lot of I-feel statements and nonviolent communication. Things like, I feel you broke this agreement, I feel you are not listening to me, if we cannot have a discussion about this, I will need to leave our relationship. You might not want to actually leave, but you need to decide whether it's worth it to stay. Good luck!
It's a little late for this to be useful, but this is why the "veto" agreement never works as the safety net that people hope for. You agreed at the start that you'd both have a right to call it off at any time, but that was never an easy out. All it ever was, was an expectation that you would offer an ultimatum-- either continue the new relationship, or remain with you.
So she's expecting an ultimatum, and you're feeling anxious about offering an ultimatum. So either do it, and see what she chooses... Or try to meet her where she is, and be open to change.
But no, you can't make her want to go back to the way things were. I'm sorry, but you can't.
So she's expecting an ultimatum, and you're feeling anxious about offering an ultimatum. So either do it, and see what she chooses... Or try to meet her where she is, and be open to change.
But no, you can't make her want to go back to the way things were. I'm sorry, but you can't.
So it appears that this was a bigger part of things than I thought. Apparently married with a young child is "boring" and the bf provide excitement. So I'm now trying to work out how to re-energise the marriage... from what I was told this afternoon, that's down to me too.
This isn't going well.
I don't know how the discussion with her was conducted but it sounds like she is indeed feeling less committed to your marriage than you and the same deal is on the table- you can adjust to the new situation or leave the marriage. Depending on what her normal behavior and personality are, she may feel differently once the amazingness of the new relationship wears off. You can't be sure of that. You have to decide if you are better off and happier waiting to see, either putting the effort to change in or not. She sounds like she is perhaps releasing you to consider your own happiness primarily. An environment full of anger, resentment and open fighting is not good for your child so it may be that ending the marriage agreement, living separately, and having two peaceful homes would be better.
Leetah
Leetah
How young is the child? Is some of this post part depression?
That's all the more reason to see a counselor/doctor person.
She's not going to do anything to help reenergize her marriage? I think she's checked out.
I think that participating in and tending to a shared marriage is something you both could be doing if you both value it.
You could do 100% of your half the job. Hold up your end of the stick. But if she's putting in zero on holding up her end of the stick? Seeking escape from a marriage that bores her? The marriage doesn't have everything it needs to be healthy from both partners in the marriage.
See if she's willing to see couples counseling or not. But if she's not willing to work on this with you and a counselor? She's totally checked out of the marriage, no longer interested in it, unwilling to help tend to it any more?
You could accept that parting ways may be best because it is dead in all but name.
I am so sorry. This sounds really rough for you.
Galagirl
That's all the more reason to see a counselor/doctor person.
She's not going to do anything to help reenergize her marriage? I think she's checked out.
I think that participating in and tending to a shared marriage is something you both could be doing if you both value it.
You could do 100% of your half the job. Hold up your end of the stick. But if she's putting in zero on holding up her end of the stick? Seeking escape from a marriage that bores her? The marriage doesn't have everything it needs to be healthy from both partners in the marriage.
See if she's willing to see couples counseling or not. But if she's not willing to work on this with you and a counselor? She's totally checked out of the marriage, no longer interested in it, unwilling to help tend to it any more?
You could accept that parting ways may be best because it is dead in all but name.
I am so sorry. This sounds really rough for you.
Galagirl
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We often get posts from women here whose male husbands/partners suddenly discover they are "poly" while she is pregnant with their first child or newly delivered.
More unusual to see a woman running off willy nilly with a new bf when there is a child in the mix.
I have read the MOST COMMON time for men to have affairs is during their wife's first pregnancy! It's so wrong. My mom once told me she used to suspect my dad was running around when my sister and I were babies born 15 months apart.
I am sorry your wife is acting so selfishly.
More unusual to see a woman running off willy nilly with a new bf when there is a child in the mix.
I have read the MOST COMMON time for men to have affairs is during their wife's first pregnancy! It's so wrong. My mom once told me she used to suspect my dad was running around when my sister and I were babies born 15 months apart.
I am sorry your wife is acting so selfishly.
Our son is 5.
Having done a lot of talking over the weekend, she harbours a lot of jealousy that I spent my younger years travelling and doing stuff where as she married early and had her first kids straight away. Now that we have our own child she feels that he screwed up her "fun" and that is the reason why she needs more excitement - married/family life - even though we do a bunch of stuff and have worked hard to have "our' time - is boring.
She's been a stay at home mom since our son was born (her choice) and has struggled to make new friends (we moved home 2 years ago and she doesn't really try to be social). So I guess the new bf is all exciting - only myself to blame as I agreed to this "experiment".
Her not giving me the right to stop it now - effectively making me choose between an open marriage or no marriage is really messing with my head. Especially because the experiment was her idea.
I can only imagine the stick I'd be taking if the roles were reversed.
Hey there,
I think you need to be a little clearer about what you want as an outcome from this. Even after reading the whole thread I'm still unsure about what you see as the ideal resolution here. Is it that you want her to be more present in your marriage and family life? That you want to go back to swinging by yourself (or maybe with your girlfriend if your local community insists you are partnered)? More time to adapt to these changes? That you want acknowledgement from her of her double-standards? It sounds like you are not unhappy with the open aspect, nor of her having a more emotional connection if you were given a little more time to ease into it, so I'm at a bit of a loss.
Figure out what it is you need, and then advocate for it. She doesn't have to give up her boyfriend to give you any of the possible things you need that I thought of, so perhaps this is where you guys are falling over hurdles. If for instance, you need her to be more present with you, for more (quality) time to be spent on your marriage, it is tempting for you to look at what you see happening in her life and say 'this means the boyfriend needs to be less of a priority, the boyfriend needs to go'. Yet the boyfriend being there is not the real issue, but a factor in the issue. Perhaps if you went back to first principles, tried to engage her in helping to find a solution to your actual problem, she might be more receptive. Perhaps she can tweak when she sees boyfriend, or take time from a hobby instead to give you what you need.
I realise that my examples are hypothetical, but I just wonder if you aren't coming across to her as being controlling because you are offering what YOU see as solutions for HER, instead of letting her find her own. It's not such a terrible thing to want to make connections in a place. Although it is her choice to be stay-at-home-parent, that life DOES get dull. If her employment prospects in your area are not particularly good either, she might not be looking forward to a dead-end job or the huge challenge that often accompanies a woman trying to resurrect her career after child-birth. So yeah, I would be sympathetic to that aspect of her situation in your shoes, and supportive of her in general for having a richer, fuller life. However, at the same time, she should be encouraging you to have the same opportunities - travelling a bit before you met doesn't mean you have 'seen it all, done it all', and if she's resentful of you having had those opportunities in the past, she needs to let go of that. I think if more casual/swinging connections was something you valued, even if she doesn't see the value in it herself, then she needs to be open to letting you continue to have those experiences. As another poster mentioned before, it's not mandatory that you both have more intense connections, nor limit the number of connections to one. You get to design what your open relationship looks like for each person.
I think you need to be a little clearer about what you want as an outcome from this. Even after reading the whole thread I'm still unsure about what you see as the ideal resolution here. Is it that you want her to be more present in your marriage and family life? That you want to go back to swinging by yourself (or maybe with your girlfriend if your local community insists you are partnered)? More time to adapt to these changes? That you want acknowledgement from her of her double-standards? It sounds like you are not unhappy with the open aspect, nor of her having a more emotional connection if you were given a little more time to ease into it, so I'm at a bit of a loss.
Figure out what it is you need, and then advocate for it. She doesn't have to give up her boyfriend to give you any of the possible things you need that I thought of, so perhaps this is where you guys are falling over hurdles. If for instance, you need her to be more present with you, for more (quality) time to be spent on your marriage, it is tempting for you to look at what you see happening in her life and say 'this means the boyfriend needs to be less of a priority, the boyfriend needs to go'. Yet the boyfriend being there is not the real issue, but a factor in the issue. Perhaps if you went back to first principles, tried to engage her in helping to find a solution to your actual problem, she might be more receptive. Perhaps she can tweak when she sees boyfriend, or take time from a hobby instead to give you what you need.
I realise that my examples are hypothetical, but I just wonder if you aren't coming across to her as being controlling because you are offering what YOU see as solutions for HER, instead of letting her find her own. It's not such a terrible thing to want to make connections in a place. Although it is her choice to be stay-at-home-parent, that life DOES get dull. If her employment prospects in your area are not particularly good either, she might not be looking forward to a dead-end job or the huge challenge that often accompanies a woman trying to resurrect her career after child-birth. So yeah, I would be sympathetic to that aspect of her situation in your shoes, and supportive of her in general for having a richer, fuller life. However, at the same time, she should be encouraging you to have the same opportunities - travelling a bit before you met doesn't mean you have 'seen it all, done it all', and if she's resentful of you having had those opportunities in the past, she needs to let go of that. I think if more casual/swinging connections was something you valued, even if she doesn't see the value in it herself, then she needs to be open to letting you continue to have those experiences. As another poster mentioned before, it's not mandatory that you both have more intense connections, nor limit the number of connections to one. You get to design what your open relationship looks like for each person.
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Was the conversation over the weekend basically circular conversation?
Some of this blame shifting all her choices or her projecting on to you is weird sounding to me.
Who blames children? They don't ask to be born.
She does not seem to take ownership of her choices -- she blame shifts. She also acts out when things don't go the way she wants because why? Does she have this sense of entitlement -- like the Universe "owes her?"
Could you be dealing with a personality disorder person?
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
Regardless of her mental state, and WHY this has become an unhealthy one sided relationship? It's still a one sided relationship.
Not healthy for you. You have a need for consideration, peace, and stability. You want the lack of consideration, the explosions and the bad behavior to stop.
You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly. If you want the steam rolling over you to stop? When the choices are "Like it or leave it?" I think you have to leave in order to be free of the bad behavior. You could not let your soft feelings for her keep you and your young son in the line of fire.
One doesn't give up on a marriage at every little thing, but one also doesn't stay in a hurtful marriage well past the limit of tolerance. There's a point where it's just healthier to bow out even if it hurts to break up in order to be free of the drama and attain peace in your life. I think you could have to consider if you are at that point.
I'm not hearing that she's willing to see a doctor to find out what is the root of all this and heal. That option is not on the table. If "like it" or "leave it" are all the options on the table, I suggest you leave and take son with you so he doesn't have to bear the brunt of her temper where she blames everything on him. Right now you are her main emotional punching bag. The 5 year old doesn't need to become that.
I am very sorry you deal in this.
I'm sorry you struggle. Even if she does not want to go, you might want to see a counselor to help you process all this and figure out your next steps.
Galagirl
Some of this blame shifting all her choices or her projecting on to you is weird sounding to me.
- You chose to spend your youth traveling. She chose to marry and have kids young. So now she's owed fun? She resents the other kids?
- She chose to marry you and have another child with you and be a SAHM. But the 5 year old is stealing all her fun? So she's owed fun? She blames the kid?
Who blames children? They don't ask to be born.
She does not seem to take ownership of her choices -- she blame shifts. She also acts out when things don't go the way she wants because why? Does she have this sense of entitlement -- like the Universe "owes her?"
Could you be dealing with a personality disorder person?
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
Regardless of her mental state, and WHY this has become an unhealthy one sided relationship? It's still a one sided relationship.
Not healthy for you. You have a need for consideration, peace, and stability. You want the lack of consideration, the explosions and the bad behavior to stop.
You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly. If you want the steam rolling over you to stop? When the choices are "Like it or leave it?" I think you have to leave in order to be free of the bad behavior. You could not let your soft feelings for her keep you and your young son in the line of fire.
One doesn't give up on a marriage at every little thing, but one also doesn't stay in a hurtful marriage well past the limit of tolerance. There's a point where it's just healthier to bow out even if it hurts to break up in order to be free of the drama and attain peace in your life. I think you could have to consider if you are at that point.
I'm not hearing that she's willing to see a doctor to find out what is the root of all this and heal. That option is not on the table. If "like it" or "leave it" are all the options on the table, I suggest you leave and take son with you so he doesn't have to bear the brunt of her temper where she blames everything on him. Right now you are her main emotional punching bag. The 5 year old doesn't need to become that.
I am very sorry you deal in this.
I'm sorry you struggle. Even if she does not want to go, you might want to see a counselor to help you process all this and figure out your next steps.
Galagirl
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vinsanity0
Active member
I'm not sure what is so weird, bizarre or worse about the wife's behavior. I do think she could be a bit more sympathetic to her husband's feelings.
I do think she is hip deep in NRE and that may be affecting her judgement. We have no idea what the "drama" was that led to the FWB experiment. Now she has stretched her wings a bit. How is it abnormal to like some new found freedom?
I think the OP is feeling some insecurity because she is really into new guy at the moment (even though he denies it). He claims this new thing was "imposed" upon him, yet he did agree to it. Now he's keeping score: Well I stopped the swinging stuff for her, so she should have to stop her relationship for me....though he has never come right out and said he wants her to stop completely, he just complains that she wouldn't. He seems hurt that she is enjoying her new relationship; hurt that she finds him boring.
He says he would break up with his gf if the wife asked, but that is easy enough to say. Seems like he is keeping score there too. The wife is more into her bf than he is into his gf.
Don't get me wrong, I think the wife is acting immature, but so is the husband.
I do think she is hip deep in NRE and that may be affecting her judgement. We have no idea what the "drama" was that led to the FWB experiment. Now she has stretched her wings a bit. How is it abnormal to like some new found freedom?
I think the OP is feeling some insecurity because she is really into new guy at the moment (even though he denies it). He claims this new thing was "imposed" upon him, yet he did agree to it. Now he's keeping score: Well I stopped the swinging stuff for her, so she should have to stop her relationship for me....though he has never come right out and said he wants her to stop completely, he just complains that she wouldn't. He seems hurt that she is enjoying her new relationship; hurt that she finds him boring.
He says he would break up with his gf if the wife asked, but that is easy enough to say. Seems like he is keeping score there too. The wife is more into her bf than he is into his gf.
Don't get me wrong, I think the wife is acting immature, but so is the husband.
Not really. From the beginning this was always going to be a journey for me - for post drama her - in her new found "anything goes" state of mind, she had already made that journey.
When she has unilaterally changed boundaries, moved goal posts and done things to suit her, it would have been easier if she had, just once, acknowledged my right to have feelings, a say-so and ultimately the right to say stop if I had wanted to. Just acknowledging or re-confirming those rights would've made things easier for me. Like I said, I was on a journey, we both new that.
Her relationship has certainly shone a spotlight on family life and highlighted its inadequacies for her - she's never said that she finds me boring - just the situation.
And no, that's not childish - from either of us. Please don't stoop to petty name calling, it's not why I reached out to this group for advice.
vinsanity0
Active member
I never did any name calling. I just pointed out behavior as I see it, from my perspective.
InfinitePossibility
New member
Hi JustBob,
It is not at all unheard of here for parents of young or unborn children to turn up saying that their partner has now discovered that they are poly and is insisting on additional romantic relationships and big changes to previously monogamous relationships no matter what. Those people are usually men but I think I recall a few women who found themselves suddenly poly after becoming mothers.
I don't have children because there is little that I can see in the lifestyle that raising children entails that attracts me.
But - to suggest that children screw up fun or prevent social connections is simply untrue (unless the only way that person can conceive of fun or social connections is through sex - in which case, children probably are a massive barrier).
I have one friend who's social circle has expanded enormously since she had her son - who is now 5. The range of activities and new things she's done since she had him makes my head spin when she talks about it.
I have another friend whos kids are slightly older and she seems to spend significant amounts of time taking them out to wild places and camping out in their van. Often with friends. She too is often with friends of hers, often in big groups and is very sociable.
I suspect that if somebody told either of these people that the way to get excitement would be to start going out on more dinner and coffee dates with people that want to have sex with them, they would laugh their heads off and wonder where they'd find the time for it even if they had the inclination.
I think you are in a tricky situation but I think that if I were in your shoes, I would try to show compassion, try and help your wife look for ways to find friends and things to do with herself - she sounds like she might well be bored and lonely.
I would have conversations with her about how best to dissolve your marriage and plan to co-parent your son. (I would have those anyway with anybody my life was very entwined with).
I would also let her know what things I can't/won't tolerate and then if those things happen/carry on, I would end my romantic connection with her, go through the process to separate lives and then move on as best I could.
It's not an easy situation to be in for sure.
IP
It is not at all unheard of here for parents of young or unborn children to turn up saying that their partner has now discovered that they are poly and is insisting on additional romantic relationships and big changes to previously monogamous relationships no matter what. Those people are usually men but I think I recall a few women who found themselves suddenly poly after becoming mothers.
I don't have children because there is little that I can see in the lifestyle that raising children entails that attracts me.
But - to suggest that children screw up fun or prevent social connections is simply untrue (unless the only way that person can conceive of fun or social connections is through sex - in which case, children probably are a massive barrier).
I have one friend who's social circle has expanded enormously since she had her son - who is now 5. The range of activities and new things she's done since she had him makes my head spin when she talks about it.
I have another friend whos kids are slightly older and she seems to spend significant amounts of time taking them out to wild places and camping out in their van. Often with friends. She too is often with friends of hers, often in big groups and is very sociable.
I suspect that if somebody told either of these people that the way to get excitement would be to start going out on more dinner and coffee dates with people that want to have sex with them, they would laugh their heads off and wonder where they'd find the time for it even if they had the inclination.
I think you are in a tricky situation but I think that if I were in your shoes, I would try to show compassion, try and help your wife look for ways to find friends and things to do with herself - she sounds like she might well be bored and lonely.
I would have conversations with her about how best to dissolve your marriage and plan to co-parent your son. (I would have those anyway with anybody my life was very entwined with).
I would also let her know what things I can't/won't tolerate and then if those things happen/carry on, I would end my romantic connection with her, go through the process to separate lives and then move on as best I could.
It's not an easy situation to be in for sure.
IP
vinsanity0 said:
I think it is about moving this forward so both can find relief.
I just find it weird that she's supposedly in this "anything goes Zen attitude." But at the same time she is blaming the child for stealing her fun, she makes unilateral decisions for the couple and moves goalposts, and it is "my way or the highway" with the husband. Blaming children, being inconsiderate, and being super inflexible like "my way or the highway" is not Zen to me. Seems more Zen to break up with the husband to free them all from this if she no longer wants to participate in the marriage. End the suffering, not continue it.
Whatever is going on with her -- I think it's up to JustBob to decide if he wants wants to try again here or if he's hit his limit of tolerance and he's going to leave to be quit of it all. Not an easy choice.
Either way, I think you could benefit from enlisting professional counseling to support you as you sort it out, JustBob.
GL!
Galagirl
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Yes, you have a right to your feelings and your voice, but the 3rd one is a needle scratch. You don't have a "right" to "say stop" if that means telling her she has to stop seeing her bf, or to stop being poly. You do have a right to seek counseling to improve your communication skills, or to empower you to leave the marriage if it is no longer serving your needs.
What do you mean by "your journey," exactly? And btw, where does your gf come in, in all this? Is she filling needs of yours in any good beneficial way, that helps you keep your calm as your wife is exploring new love territory?
So, she is a stay at home mom to a kid who is 5... he's becoming more independent, he is probably in at least half time kindergarten, she isn't making platonic friends... bf is filling up a lot of her time.
What would you like to have happen to make this easier on you? Besides telling her to stop? I asked that before. Do you need more dates with her? How often is she gone when you are home? Do you not see enough of her? Is she distracted when she is with you? Is this just NRE or will this continue? Will she get a 2nd bf when the newness of this one wears off? Do you like him, do you guys ever hang out, either as a threesome, or you and him hanging doing guy stuff?
It's possible that she's just giving in to the circular talks and giving him any "reason" so that he can have some resolve with his conflict. It can be exhausting to repeat yourself over and over - and in my days of less experience with radical honesty, I've reacted in the same way.
People evolve - change is inevitable and there is nothing in this life that is secure. It seems through all of this back and forth reading that their relationship is transitioning - and instead of focusing on what may or may not be working and finding resolution, the OP is trying to exercise veto power and its backfiring.
Your wife isn't responsible for your emotions. She's let you know where she stands. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you're willing to transition into a relationship that works for everyone involved.
Imho - if my partner were experiencing nre or a deep love with someone - or even a casual fling he found great pleasure in - never would I ask him to pacify my insecurities by breaking his heart or causing emotional harm to my metamour.
I'm sorry you're hurting through all of this, but this really has everything to do with you and what you're willing to accept.