How Much Time Do You Give Yourself?

A

AWonderland

New member
After lurking for a a bit, I now have a question....

My husband and I began our poly journey 6/7 months ago. We had an experience, a bad one that we learned a lot from, that for him confirmed for him that he is poly, but made me on the fence. I am continuing to try, as it is something I have always thought about, understood, and thought would be really good for me, but now I am just not sure it's for me.

I know this will vary person to person, but I am curious to hear others thoughts... At what point do you say this is, or is not for me?
 
At the point when you feel less comfortable being poly than being mono.

At the point when you experience anxiety or sadness at the idea of being with a partner other than your spouse (for those who have spouses).

At the point when you decide it isn't working and trying to make it work is more trouble than benefit.
 
For me it is the feelings I got towards his girlfriend. I figured out their meetings don't bother me.
But I don't know if it is a "typical" polyamory.
We have kids and the relationship to his girlfriend is secret. She has been to our house, but nobody knows she's more than just a friend.
We decided now that he meets her not more often than once a month.
It feels good for me and I'm looking forward to the adventures I'm gonna have :)
Greetings
 
Hi AWonderland,

Re (from OP):
"At what point do you say this is, or is not for me?"
Click to expand...

It's not a decision you need to make quickly. Why not do some reading while you mull it over? A couple of great books are:

  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
By the time you get done reading those, you'll probably have a good idea of whether poly is for you. Along the way, you can also post your questions here on this forum.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin! I have done a lot of reading on the More Than Two website, but II will look more into the book. I haven't heard of the other one until recently, so I will check that one out as well.
 
KC43 said:
At the point when you decide it isn't working and trying to make it work is more trouble than benefit.
Click to expand...

I think that it all comes down to this. How you weigh the costs and benefits is going to vary from situation to situation to situation. There are so many factors that I won't even pretend that I know all of them. But you can't just consider yourself, you also have to consider your partner and HIS other partners. It can get really complicated, but I'd say that if you're profoundly unhappy (not just experiencing "getting used to it" discomforts) then it's time to make a change. I think that's true of anything in life, though.
 
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