Just don't know

T

trallart

New member
Wife and I have been together since high school, we are in our mid 30's now. We had two kids really early, both nearly gone now. There has never been any infidelity with us. I have had close relationships with females in the past, but never intimate. We both are very reserved and not very social. I find it hard to make friends, I am pretty busy and just generally have been non social. I desire more friendships now, of any sort. The subject of extra marital relations has come up a couple of times over the years. More recently, there seems to be less apprehensiveness towards the subject. We have never kissed another person, let alone anything more involved. I have never wanted the drunken one night stands. I have wanted to be with girls that I knew over the years. I am not sure what an acceptable level of attachment would be. I would want my wife to be with whoever, but I am not sure I want to know them, but I would want my wife to approve of anyone that I might be with. Is that weird? I do not want anything hidden.

We are in good shape. I am not sure how to evaluate my attractiveness, but my wife is pretty darn cute. Do people tend to find it easier to do this lifestyle when they just have social skills regardless of looks? I know what the ideal would be. I am good with one person at a time where we can talk and think.
Thanks
 
Looks.. I'm not ugly, but I wouldn't say I'm beautiful or anything. Socially, I suck donkey eggs; I'm always anxious about saying or doing the wrong thing, which means I'm usually either really quiet and people think I'm bored or annoyed, or I end up saying or doing the wrong thing. But I've not really had problems meeting people since Hubby and I opened our marriage (which led to me realizing I'm polyamorous, and him realizing that for him, finding other partners isn't worth the effort). I've gone to social events, and met my first boyfriend at one. I've met up with guys in person for coffee or dates after talking online for a while, and as you can see in my signature, I've had two longish-term relationships and have just started seeing two new people. So I would say that neither looks nor social skills are as much of a factor as just being able to find people you connect well with. You met your wife and that seems to have worked out, so you have the tools to meet others.

"Acceptable level of attachment" is what you and your wife agree on, and what your other partners agree to. Whether it's easy or difficult depends on what you're looking for, where you look for it, and how open you are to finding it.
 
KC43, thanks. Did your husband find that it was difficult for guys to find ladies, like the ratios might be off a little in favor of girls? I am not sure if I want to step in that direction if there is going to be an immense amount of rejection or disinterest.

I feel like my social experience is similar to yours in how I feel people see me. I sort of think people think I am "stuck up", which is really far from the truth.

My wife and I met in middle school. I would imagine the dynamics of embarking on an intimate search is probably a little different at my current point in life.
 
As it says in my signature, my husband is monogamous, so finding other partners isn't something he does now. But we first opened the marriage, he thought he might want to try sex with someone else, and he did have difficulty finding a woman willing to hook up with a married man; women we knew through AdultFriendFinder, who had said flat out that they were interested in Hubby, told me they wouldn't touch him because he was married, even though I told them I was okay with it. He ended up only hooking up with one woman, which was good because that was how he realized he didn't actually *want* to have sex, let alone a relationship, with anyone other than me.

You would probably have better luck meeting people online than in person to begin with, given the social difficulties. I've found that to be the case for me; it's easier for me to have a conversation via words on a screen at first, and then meet face to face once I've become comfortable with the person. AdultFriendFinder isn't especially poly-friendly, but despite that, I've met all of my partners other than Woody and one brief FWB through that site. (I also met Hubby there.) OKCupid tends to be an easier place for someone who's polyamorous, particularly if they're married, to meet people.
 
Do people tend to find it easier to do this lifestyle when they just have social skills regardless of looks? I know what the ideal would be.
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Meh. I have dated all sorts of guys - fat, thin, tall, short, bald, full heads of hair, older, much younger. It really is about connecting with someone on a deeper level. In the past I have dated guys who met the textbook definition of an underwear model, but they bored me intellectually. *shrugs* It was nice to know they wanted to fuck me, at least. Lol I would not describe myself as thin, or extremely attractive. Maybe a 5 on a good day.

I am a real extrovert though, so I guess meeting others is easy for me. None of my guys are currently dating anyone, so I have only heard that it is easier for poly girls to find partners.

It's more about cultivating yourself to be a person of interest. Why would a woman want to date you? What do you have to offer?
 
trallart said:
Did your husband find that it was difficult for guys to find ladies, like the ratios might be off a little in favor of girls?
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The ratio is waaaaaay off, in favor of the girls. How many women would jump at the chance for a relationship with an attached man? How many men would jump at the chance for a relationship with an attached woman? There ya go. Doesn't mean that finding a great relationship isn't possible, but you should know that this is just how it is.

That said, one of my lovers is an attached man and I adore our relationship. We're out there!!
 
Hi trallart,

You should know that women get hits much more often than men; I know that's true on OKCupid at least. Patience often pays off, but that's a lot of patience. Perhaps you can use the opportunity to hone your social skills, and learn more about poly.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a wet blanket.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have always been on the emotional side. I "feel" a lot. I care a lot about people. I do not connect well with most guys. I do not seem to fit that stereotypical mold. The most memorable friendships I have had, even as limited as they were, were with females. I like to think they thought i was "thoughtful" and intelligent.

I do not know what I have to offer. I do not think I am better than any other guy out there. I feel sort of like, the background. The fuzzy foliage that everyone sees but is not particularly drawn to. I am not much of a chit chatter. I do like conversations of substance, but one can not have these all the time. People do not have time for that mess.
 
I guess the thing to do is to just take each relationship one at a time. Strong friendships aren't formed overnight; give yourself a chance to work up to those conversations of substance.
 
I'm pretty happy with my wife and mono status. I'm sure holding out longer would not be that big of a deal. Maybe. ..
 
I'll add that Roger (see my signature below) took four years after we opened up our relationship before he decided he wanted to date Taylor. It wasn't that he was being rejected - he just wasn't interested in anyone. Jack and I were friends for years before we started as friends with benefits, then partners. Roger and Taylor were also friends for many months before they started dating.

If I were looking for more partners (I'm not), I think I'd be inclined to develop friendships (as you might do through work, hobbies, other friends) and see down the line if they or I were interested in something more. I have heard many people say "date your species" in terms of dating other poly people, but both Jack and Taylor are mono. Perhaps makes for some different challenges than dating other poly people, but that's okay with me.
 
trallart said:
I do like conversations of substance, but one can not have these all the time. People do not have time for that mess.
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If you really believe this, then this is what you'll find. I see it differently, tho. When you're a person of substance with heartfelt and thoughtful conversation to offer, you're a breath of fresh air and very attractive in a world where cocktail chatter is the norm. "People" are not any one way and relationships are never destined to be anything. People and relationships are what we make them and the ball is always in our court.
 
I still do not know if the wife would go for any of it. She has expressed what I interpret as jealousy over my female friends in the past. She has been the initiator of our most recent conversations about opening up. She has expressed concern over developing feelings for other people, but that is what I want, the relationship with the sex. I guess that is what a lot of mono women, maybe guys too, fear, that their partner developes emotionally with other people.
 
Have you talked to her? Not to open the relationship, but to roll the idea around in your mouths? Explore? Discuss?

Roger and I talked for probably over a year before we opened and before I even considered dating Jack.
 
We have talked and she said her opinion on it has changed from the past. She can see both sides is what she says. I do not know if she feels that to share means that some thing will be subtracted from us or not. The first time we really talked about it was at the beginning of the year and it was just something that ca me up. I did not have any other insight other than just my reasoning based on my feelings and observed behavior. It did not go well and she thought I was done with her and wanted to move on. I wanted her to be open as much as I wanted to be. I want so much for her to get the most out of life. Not to repeat the roles of the females in our family.
 
Sounds like you and your wife still have some talking to do.
 
Its a process. I really would rather her bring it up. Probably does not cross her mind as much.
 
What happens if she never brings it up?
 
I don't want us to not be happy together anymore. I don't want to be bringing that content up on a regular basis. I know she will feel insecure, and I hate that.
 
Would she be open to exploring it with you? Commit to just doing reading and discussions for the next 6 months (or so)? Schedule talks 1/month (or so) to check-in and discuss? Knowing that she or you may decide after 6 months that you both researched it and decided against it or for it?
 
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