truthseekingwithin
New member
Hello,
I am very new, as in I just stumbled upon it today lol, to polyamory. I am 27 and married. My husband and I have kids together and from previous marriages. I have no outside relationships at this time.
I found a blog on polyamory today when searching for "ways to meet your own need for affection." My husband and I haven't achieved closeness for many reasons. We had lots of issues with extended family, money, kids, ex's, my emetophobia etc. I cheated on him with an old high school boyfriend 2 and a half years ago. The whole ordeal lasted about 2 weeks and we had sex 1 time. It left us reeling. I did it to be done with my husband as I was extremely unhappy and wanting to leave but couldn't make myself do it. It isn't something that I'm proud of. We have had a huge disconnect, with him unwilling to forgive and completely ceasing to care for and about me every since. We tried marriage counseling. It didn't help. Every time I think I've made progress at earning my way back into his heart, I find that it was all in my head.
Now rewind to my childhood. I grew up in a Christian family. My parents were average working-class citizens. My mother was very emotionally and mentally abusive. My family didn't give affection. The most I ever received was from my grandmothers. I longed for it and craved it...and I never stopped. There was always a reason for my parents not to show me love. I was too disrespectful, too loud, too smart mouthed, too pushy, too whiny, too messy, too whatever. I have gone from relationship to relationship just searching for someone to take care of me and give me affection.
I got pregnant and married in my teens. My teenage husband (god that sounds ridiculous now lol) was physically abusive. I relied heavily on my family to help me raise our baby. I had a relationship with him where we basically hated each other, and I left once a year, but stuck it out for "god" (who I no longer believe in btw) for a good 5 years.
As soon as he was gone I started exploring other men and hooking up. It didn't last long though. I found a man who took care of me like I'd always dreamt he would. He did everything right. He was perfect to me. But he was in the military and when he deployed I couldn't stand being alone. I wanted companionship over all else.
That's when my current husband swooped in. He touched me in all the right ways, was intriguing in a way no one I had ever met was, and was an amazing dad. I quickly broke it off with my boyfriend to enter a monogamous relationship with current husband.
I have recently lost my religious beliefs. That has been a very liberating motivator for me to reevaluate myself and my lifestyle.
Back to now... I feel that none of my emotional and physical (affection wise because we have amazing sex) needs are met. He can't forgive me for my past wrongs and I can't divorce him and still be a stay at home mom. We don't want our kids to go through a divorce. We have seen it with our kids from previous marriages. It's hell on them. I also know that the needs I have stem from my childhood and other relationships and intend on fixing my issues. I don't feel that I can soul-search and fix my insecurities and fears in a relationship where I feel so alone and where I have to earn my way (or jump through hoops) to get back into my husbands good graces. Soooo... that brought me to polyamory.
It sounds kind of crazy but I really just want to be loved. I'm not looking for sex. I'm looking for someone to meet my affection needs and for whom I can return the favor. I finally know that I am worth loving. I've come that far. So now I am setting out to find it. Perhaps after working through my own stuff I'll be able to fix my marriage as well. If not, I'll have experienced something different and probably be better off.
I apologize for the lengthy introduction. I don't have many adults to talk to lol!
I am very new, as in I just stumbled upon it today lol, to polyamory. I am 27 and married. My husband and I have kids together and from previous marriages. I have no outside relationships at this time.
I found a blog on polyamory today when searching for "ways to meet your own need for affection." My husband and I haven't achieved closeness for many reasons. We had lots of issues with extended family, money, kids, ex's, my emetophobia etc. I cheated on him with an old high school boyfriend 2 and a half years ago. The whole ordeal lasted about 2 weeks and we had sex 1 time. It left us reeling. I did it to be done with my husband as I was extremely unhappy and wanting to leave but couldn't make myself do it. It isn't something that I'm proud of. We have had a huge disconnect, with him unwilling to forgive and completely ceasing to care for and about me every since. We tried marriage counseling. It didn't help. Every time I think I've made progress at earning my way back into his heart, I find that it was all in my head.
Now rewind to my childhood. I grew up in a Christian family. My parents were average working-class citizens. My mother was very emotionally and mentally abusive. My family didn't give affection. The most I ever received was from my grandmothers. I longed for it and craved it...and I never stopped. There was always a reason for my parents not to show me love. I was too disrespectful, too loud, too smart mouthed, too pushy, too whiny, too messy, too whatever. I have gone from relationship to relationship just searching for someone to take care of me and give me affection.
I got pregnant and married in my teens. My teenage husband (god that sounds ridiculous now lol) was physically abusive. I relied heavily on my family to help me raise our baby. I had a relationship with him where we basically hated each other, and I left once a year, but stuck it out for "god" (who I no longer believe in btw) for a good 5 years.
As soon as he was gone I started exploring other men and hooking up. It didn't last long though. I found a man who took care of me like I'd always dreamt he would. He did everything right. He was perfect to me. But he was in the military and when he deployed I couldn't stand being alone. I wanted companionship over all else.
That's when my current husband swooped in. He touched me in all the right ways, was intriguing in a way no one I had ever met was, and was an amazing dad. I quickly broke it off with my boyfriend to enter a monogamous relationship with current husband.
I have recently lost my religious beliefs. That has been a very liberating motivator for me to reevaluate myself and my lifestyle.
Back to now... I feel that none of my emotional and physical (affection wise because we have amazing sex) needs are met. He can't forgive me for my past wrongs and I can't divorce him and still be a stay at home mom. We don't want our kids to go through a divorce. We have seen it with our kids from previous marriages. It's hell on them. I also know that the needs I have stem from my childhood and other relationships and intend on fixing my issues. I don't feel that I can soul-search and fix my insecurities and fears in a relationship where I feel so alone and where I have to earn my way (or jump through hoops) to get back into my husbands good graces. Soooo... that brought me to polyamory.
It sounds kind of crazy but I really just want to be loved. I'm not looking for sex. I'm looking for someone to meet my affection needs and for whom I can return the favor. I finally know that I am worth loving. I've come that far. So now I am setting out to find it. Perhaps after working through my own stuff I'll be able to fix my marriage as well. If not, I'll have experienced something different and probably be better off.
I apologize for the lengthy introduction. I don't have many adults to talk to lol!
Thanks again.