When insecurities conflict with scheduling: What do I do?

B

Bunnielight

Member
So over the months, Zed, Dean, Pixie, and I have taken the advice from the More Than Two book and developed a weekly schedule for switch nights.

Therefore Dean has me Tuesdays and Fridays and
Zed has me the other days of the week. So far this schedule has worked quite well.

Now, this coming up weekend, Cuba is coming into town. This is the first time it's happened since he and I hooked up, usually it's me going to see him. This means he will be staying here with us Friday and Saturday in our guest room.

Of course, the fact that we haven't seen each other in 2 months, and we haven't had sex in 3 months, I was really looking forward to some alone time with him. He also vocalized the same to me and requested an evening together

I brought this up to Zed yesterday because it made more sense to me for Cuba to get one of Zed's nights, Saturday night, rather than one of Deans only 2 nights of the week. When I brought this to Zed, he became very forlorn.
"I just don't know if I could swing that."

Meanwhile, Pixie is trying to be very supportive and willing to do anything she can to keep Zed comfortable as well as give Cuba and I the space we request. And Dean has offered up his usual Friday night.

Zed is aware that his issue with this is mostly inside himself. He said he knows he really can't be upset for me asking for what I want and will find something to do Saturday evening but I can see that he is still sullen and hurt by this.

I do not want Dean to have to sacrifice his night, mainly because he is usually the one that makes a sacrifice between the 4 of us. I know he is perfectly willing and just wants me and everyone else to be happy, I just don't find it very fair for him to sacrifice half his time with me because Zed doesn't want to sacrifice one of his 5 days.

I intend on spending most of the week trying to reconnect with Zed and spend a lot of quality time with him. I feel like that's where some of this feeling may be coming from, it's just hard to know what the best thing to do in response. I obviously don't want to force Zed into doing something he doesn't want to do, but at the same time, I know this is part of it and something to be dealt with at some point, sometime.

How would you all suggest that I handle this? I don't really know where this line is to be sensitive to his insecurities vs. staying true to myself and being fair to the other boys.
 
Being sensitive to his feelings doesn't mean caving to what he wants. (And from what you've said elsewhere on the forum about Zed, I don't think he would actually want you to cave.)

You can be sensitive by saying, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you. I've asked you to give up one of your nights with me only because you have a lot more time with me than Dean or Cuba. I would be happy to make extra time for you during the rest of the week, but it's very important to me to have a night with Cuba while he's here, and it makes the most sense for it to be that particular night."

If Zed has told you he knows this is *his* issue and will make the needed adjustments, then you need to take him at his word. If he's "sullen" and "forlorn"... that's HIS problem. HE is the one who needs to manage his emotions. Not you. It isn't up to you to change things or make Dean change things just because Zed is showing negative emotions in response, especially since it sounds like Zed is owning his shit and is telling you NOT to change anything, to go ahead and take Saturday.

The only thing that's your responsibility is how you respond to Zed, and the only thing you need to do for that, in my opinion, is just to acknowledge how he feels ("I see you're having a hard time with this") and give him your support while maintaining your position ("It's important for me to have that night with Cuba. I'm not willing to give that night back to you and take away from Dean, because you have more time with me than he does, but is there any other way I can make this easier for you?")
 
Did you ask him WHY he "doesn't think he could swing that?" I mean, that response is ridiculously vague. After all, he doesn't actually have to do anything for you to be with Cuba that night, so he is perfectly capable of "swinging it." He'll simply have one more night to be free to do something without you, so how is that a problem? What is his issue? Possessiveness? Jealousy? Need to stay in control? Disliking Cuba? Not knowing how to spend his time without you? He needs to be specific and to communicate that with you.

However, whatever it is, you can't fix it for him. If I were you, I would tell him that since you and Cuba haven't seen each other in a long while, you are going to spend Saturday night with Cuba, and make up time with Zed another day, and that whatever issues Zed has, he will have to resolve himself. It's not like you want to change his schedule permanently - he is aware that schedules can be flexible, isn't he?
 
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You've told him what you want. He's told you what he wants.

Why is it that him wanting something different makes him 'insecure?' Couldn't it simply be that he does not what you want?
 
You don't need zed to "swing "anything as he's not required for an action. You choose where you spend your time, you simply tell him that this week you're spending Sat night elsewhere.
 
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As much as I can understand how you feel it's more fair to take a night from the person who has more than twice as much to begin with, keep in mind that no relationship lasts for long if it's built on doing exactly as we please regardless of how it affects the other person. Relationships are a give and take and by nature require us to think about the other person and how our decisions affect them. So you can certainly inform him what you'll do, but bear in mind that a lifetime of decisions adds up to results we may not like, either.
 
WhatHappened said:
As much as I can understand how you feel it's more fair to take a night from the person who has more than twice as much to begin with, keep in mind that no relationship lasts for long if it's built on doing exactly as we please regardless of how it affects the other person. Relationships are a give and take and by nature require us to think about the other person and how our decisions affect them. So you can certainly inform him what you'll do, but bear in mind that a lifetime of decisions adds up to results we may not like, either.
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Yeah, but that door swings both ways. Schedules need to be flexible in order for poly to work.
 
Well, if Dean is perfectly willing to give up the Friday night, isn't that the best option? Maybe he would appreciate the extra time for something else anyway? Or maybe giving makes him feel good. Why make Zed uncomfortable if you can take Friday night and make everybody happy?
 
Socrates said:
Well, if Dean is perfectly willing to give up the Friday night, isn't that the best option? Maybe he would appreciate the extra time for something else anyway? Or maybe giving makes him feel good. Why make Zed uncomfortable if you can take Friday night and make everybody happy?
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If you read the OP she explains why she doesn't want to take away one of dean's 2 nights.
 
Zed's response is horribly vague and basically screams about some deeper issue.

He said he knows he really can't be upset for me asking for what I want and will find something to do Saturday evening but I can see that he is still sullen and hurt by this.
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And that just confirms it.

I don't think you need to change your plans. But I do think you should set aside some time to talk with Zed about what's bothering him. It doesn't just seem to be about the time on that specific day.

Never mind that you have more time with him than with others. I can see that you're focused on that as your justification for why you did what you did. I agree that this isn't about you, though, I think it's about him.

I can't say what's going through his mind, but here's something to think about. You said that Dean has flexed nights in the past. If this is the first time you're asking Zed to shift schedules, he might be reading some deeper meaning into it than just a one-night change. Maybe he's feeling that because you asked him to give up his time, that means his time the least important to you. You know that isn't true, but feelings aren't logical.

The only way you can get to the bottom of it is asking him why he's upset.
 
Being someone who struggles with schedule changes and feeling anxious about new partners in general, I really liked what KC43 wrote and, if my partner acted the way she said, I would feel much better.


KC43 said:
Being sensitive to his feelings doesn't mean caving to what he wants. (And from what you've said elsewhere on the forum about Zed, I don't think he would actually want you to cave.)

You can be sensitive by saying, "I'm sorry this is difficult for you. I've asked you to give up one of your nights with me only because you have a lot more time with me than Dean or Cuba. I would be happy to make extra time for you during the rest of the week, but it's very important to me to have a night with Cuba while he's here, and it makes the most sense for it to be that particular night."

If Zed has told you he knows this is *his* issue and will make the needed adjustments, then you need to take him at his word. If he's "sullen" and "forlorn"... that's HIS problem. HE is the one who needs to manage his emotions. Not you. It isn't up to you to change things or make Dean change things just because Zed is showing negative emotions in response, especially since it sounds like Zed is owning his shit and is telling you NOT to change anything, to go ahead and take Saturday.

The only thing that's your responsibility is how you respond to Zed, and the only thing you need to do for that, in my opinion, is just to acknowledge how he feels ("I see you're having a hard time with this") and give him your support while maintaining your position ("It's important for me to have that night with Cuba. I'm not willing to give that night back to you and take away from Dean, because you have more time with me than he does, but is there any other way I can make this easier for you?")
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Inyourendo said:
If you read the OP she explains why she doesn't want to take away one of dean's 2 nights.
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I did read the OP. I was questioning whether the OP might be overanalyzing things. It's natural to worry about imposing on people excessively. But sometimes the person who feels they are doing all the imposing is the only one worrying, while the person supposedly being imposed upon is actually just fine with it and doesn't feel imposed upon at all. I don't know the people involved well enough to say, but I just wanted to bring up the possibility.
 
Socrates said:
I did read the OP. I was questioning whether the OP might be overanalyzing things. It's natural to worry about imposing on people excessively. But sometimes the person who feels they are doing all the imposing is the only one worrying, while the person supposedly being imposed upon is actually just fine with it and doesn't feel imposed upon at all. I don't know the people involved well enough to say, but I just wanted to bring up the possibility.
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But SHE doesn't want to take a night away from Dean, that's all that matters
 
I agree with the others -- see Cuba and let Zed discover how he handles it so he can know if he can swing it or not. How else would he find out otherwise? He has to get through it, see it's not a big deal, end up fine and learn "Yeah. Ok. I can do that."

Be ok witnessing him process. And yeah, sometimes you will witness him feeling sad and sullen or whatever. Let him do his thing. Zed seems willing to do his emotional management stuff. Encourage and be supportive but don't take his experience or his job away from him just because it is hard for you to watch. Otherwise that's taking away his opportunity to grow and stretch. Growing pains happen.

And if it turns out he can't for some reason after trying, take Dean up on his offer the next time. Or stop seeing Cuba because you are poly-saturated with Zed and Dean. Just like Zed is responsible for his emotional management and his time management? You are responsible for yours.

Galagirl
 
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This may not be useful for right now, but my thoughts after reading this post this morning and reflecting on it during the day:

When Roger and I were mono, we pretty much had "our" nights 7 days/week. Any time that was spent outside of our typical schedule was handled like "hey, I'd like to see my friend this day, how does that work for you?" But the assumption was if we didn't have other plans, we expected to hang out.

Since opening up, Roger and I have tried to be much more conscious of spending quality time together. I usually schedule two date nights with Jack per week. Instead of saying all other days are for Roger, I also schedule two date nights with Roger. Two days that I commit to spending time with him, focused on him and us. That leaves me with three nights to do whatever I'd like to do. Oftentimes, I just relax at home with him like I usually do - but it's not EXPECTED of me. It's just because that's what I feel like doing.

If I choose to do something else on those nights, that's my choice. For instance, if I chose to spend another date night with Jack that week, that's my call and I wouldn't need to check in with Roger beforehand. The benefits are that when I DO have a date night, it's focused on us and that I have the freedom to make my schedule the way I'd like to. If I have plans that conflict with one of our date nights, then I ask Roger if he'd mind switching nights so I can still do what I'd like to do and have quality time with him. Not "give up" a night.

So in your situation, I would be able to offer Roger another night in exchange for his Saturday date night OR offer Jack another night in exchange for his Friday date night. Granted, I'm lucky to have partners who have pretty flexible schedules, but schedules can be flexible if they're scheduled decently far out. I usually schedule several days before the next week starts.

Just my thoughts! May not work if you'd like to keep five date nights with Zed (or if this is too hard for him to consider, given his current insecurities), but for me, it was a step away from co-dependency that was tangled up with monogamy (for us) and a step towards independence and a refocusing on quality time (vs. simply hanging out because we were both free).
 
Inyourendo said:
But SHE doesn't want to take a night away from Dean, that's all that matters
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That's not necessarily true. Maybe the reason why SHE doesn't want to take a night away from Dean is because she feels that it would hurt him on some level, even though he claims he's happy to share. Maybe it's the opposite; he could be hurt that she wouldn't take him up on his offer, like if she'd rejected a gift from him.
 
Dean is willing to make the sacrifices because hw wants her to be happy, but if having Dean make the sacrifice makes her unhappy then it's moot. She gets two days a week with Dean and she doesn't want to give one of them up
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Zed's response is horribly vague and basically screams about some deeper issue.



And that just confirms it.

I don't think you need to change your plans. But I do think you should set aside some time to talk with Zed about what's bothering him. It doesn't just seem to be about the time on that specific day.

Never mind that you have more time with him than with others. I can see that you're focused on that as your justification for why you did what you did. I agree that this isn't about you, though, I think it's about him.

I can't say what's going through his mind, but here's something to think about. You said that Dean has flexed nights in the past. If this is the first time you're asking Zed to shift schedules, he might be reading some deeper meaning into it than just a one-night change. Maybe he's feeling that because you asked him to give up his time, that means his time the least important to you. You know that isn't true, but feelings aren't logical.

The only way you can get to the bottom of it is asking him why he's upset.
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I've actually been spending the last several days connecting with Zed. We talked more in depth about what's been going on with him and it is much deeper, as I anticipated.

His relationship with Pixie has caused an interesting growth experience for Zed. Their relationship has made it much more obvious about my own reservedness in relationships, with people, and with my sexuality. It's made Zed more conscious of my time spent with him, my sexual initiative (or lack-thereof). It's not really a way I like being. I am far more seductive and promiscuous in my own mind than I usually have to courage to follow through with. It is, however, something I have been working on.

It's something that we both have become conscious of and Zed has been careful about and wants to help me grow, but with the abuse I have received in the past the exploration has been a cautious one as Zed doesn't want to trigger me in any way. It's only happened once or twice so far, but we always handle it really well and I find it to be much easier for me than I gave myself credit for :rolleyes:


I also explained to him further why Saturday was best:

Cuba is already having to drive 3 hours into town Friday after working, and then doing the comedy show.
I would really hate to give him Friday only for him to be completely exhausted by the time he comes back to the house.

Saturday evening enables him to work his schedule as he needs and enjoy some time hanging out with everyone, including me and see what Saturday brings. I'm not trying to rush him. I want him to enjoy his weekend.

This is when I opened up the idea to Zed that I wouldn't be totally closed to the idea of staying with them both Saturday night. I know that Zed has expressed interest in this several times before and avoided pressuring me. He knows how closed and private I am sexually and doesn't want to disrespect that.
However, with Cuba it seems to be different. I feel he is an appropriate person to share this with. They are good friends but rarely get to hang out or bond that much. They are both very protective and dominating men who I feel safe with, so why not open up the invitation?

This seemed to make Zed quite happy. :p I let him know, it's open, but not necessarily expected so he has an alternate plan for the evening in case he finds that it simply doesn't feel right. We want to respect everyone's comfort levels here.
 
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Bunnielight said:
...my sexual initiative (or lack-thereof). It's not really a way I like being. I am far more seductive and promiscuous in my own mind than I usually have to courage to follow through with. It is, however, something I have been working on.
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I have this problem too, or something similar. The idea of being "forward" is appealing... the actuality is that I shut myself down before I do it which leads to partners (especially long-term ones where i care more what they think, ironically enough) thinking I'm not interested in them. Yeah, working on it...
 
How does your initiating sex less than Zed would like have anything at all to do with trading a day with Cuba? That doesn't make sense - why are you buying his story? What if you wanted to schedule a platonic thing with a friend? That would have been okay, I assume.

The reason Zed gave you is just bullshit. And not very kind - he compared how sex is with Pixie to sex with you, and you came up short! How mean! And now he needs to punish you by being all pissy about you having one night with Cuba. He's trying to justify his jealousy and possessiveness, and put you down at the same time to make you feel crappy about yourself and like you owe him something. It mystifies me that you are accepting this and not angry about Zed's self-serving attitude.
 
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